(no subject)
Have not dreaded the coming of one day this much.
Five days left. I want to stall the coming of Sunday.
July 24th is bad. 5pm on that day is worse.
The thought of getting through this whole week is tiring. I feel like there are so many people to say goodbye to, so many places I want to see for the last time (for now at least), so many things I want to do with the people I love, so many thoughts and feelings I want to convey.
Minsan I want to just leave without saying bye to anyone. Just so I don't have to go through the whole process of saying goodbye and crying and all that sad, depressing hulabaloo. Even now as I think about it, I still refuse to believe we're leaving for good...even though I know I can come back and visit anytime I want (well, maybe not naman anytime I want want. When I have the means to). But it's the thought of migrating. Hello ang scary to see that our visas are actually Residential ones. Na this trip is NOT a vacation. Na I'm not going there to see The Opera House or Mt. Uluru or to pet Koalas and buy boomerangs and lucky pouches (which are actually made of Kangaroo scrotums. Seryoso. I have one). Na we're going there to live there!
Although, I admit I am a little bit excited about it rin. I'm excited about the whole apartment-hunting and settling down. But scared when my parents are going to leave na and come back here tapos my brothers and I are left on our own...to survive! To pay rent, buy groceries, find a job, pay the bills and whatnot. I mean, what if we can't make rent? What if every single day we have to live off on Purefoods Corned Beef and instant noodles and hotdogs and scrambled eggs and bacon? I mean, I'm not going to complain about that cos me naman, I'm not picky but really, I need to start getting domesticated. I'm almost 23 and I don't know how to cook...right. Diba? I want to be like my bestfriend larutinadiaria who can whip up a mean Paella on her own!!! I can only boast about my cheese and tomato quesadilla...which I really make pretty well, by the way. I feel like given the proper training, I can be a good cook. Honestly. Contrary to popular belief, I know how to bake. I really just don't practice. You'll see, give me a month or two, I promise I can make some amazing dishes na.
Fish and chips, anyone? hehehe.
But house chores are minor concerns. You know what I'm really scared shitless about? That I might fail my mom's expectations of me. Expectations that are exceedingly high I think she's on crack or something. I'm scared that nothing I do will make her happy or satisfy her. EVER. I don't know if anyone else has felt that about one parent or both. I don't really understand why she has such high expectations of me...it's not like I'm a friggin' rocket scientist or anything. Wala lang. It's been such a downer the past few days with her. We've been fighting a lot and I just don't know how to deal anymore. She's been so strict with me and me lang. It's so unfair. I make one measly mistake, I start running for my life but if one of my brother's do, ok lang. Not even a bat of an eyelash from her. I hate the excuse na it's because I'm the only girl I have to do this, have to do that, learn this, act this way. That's never an excuse. I didn't choose to be born a girl. I didn't choose be the only girl. Edi kawawa naman ako? Lahat na lang ng bagay ako ang gagawa cos I'm the girl??? I have to always be on my best behavior, I can never fool around, I can never say anything wrong, I can't step out of line, I can't have a hair misplaced, I can never make a mistake. Sometimes I get so tired of being this way. I mean, I hope she can at least see na despite the restrictions she's imposing and all the expectations she has from me, na at least I'm not a bad daughter. Na I was never naging pabigat and problema for them. Not once. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I really do try. Because I love her. Maybe sometimes I need her to say I did a good job or that she's proud of me. Sometimes I just need her to listen to me, too. Sometimes I also need her to acknowledge my feelings. Na while I'm happy she thinks I can execute all of these grand plans in her head, I don't have special powers, Ma.