4AM Thoughts...
I was reading my cousin’s blog and it made me think about this one conversation I had with my friend, Ja. We were talking one day and we both decided that we’re making it our resolution this year to sort of go all out with our life.
Not naman go crazy and out of control but more along the lines of find ourselves, experience more, have fun, do what we want, see friends often, connect with those people we’ve lost touch with, be proactive, be independent, no regrets and just. Be. happy.
I’d always look at my college photos and realize that, while I made truly great friends and experienced so many things, I also missed out on a lot of stuff. I felt we were in a hurry. Trimester na nga so that made it easy for us to zip through our course in three and a half years tapos I didn’t even get de-blocked, meaning my classmates from freshman year were my classmates until the end.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my college life. I love being with my friends everyday…waiting for each other in our tambayans…the Thinking Spot (benches beside the LRC Main), Tagaytay (Plaza V), canteen (where my good friend Nina introduced me to the love that is Mango crepe), Study Area (where we also sleep and kill time and suck out the airconditioning) and of course, The Airport. We’d spend the whole day just laughing, I remember. We’d always exhaust our allowable absences, cutting classes with the only guy in the barkada, Anton, to go the mall to watch a movie and take more sticker pictures. We’d do each other’s home works, master kopyahan strategies and made sure everyone had their photocopies. It’s the time where we’d go drinking in UM at the middle of the day with the whole block. Oddly enough, even as I was surrounded by friends who smoked, I never did. Ngayon na lang talaga (tsk tsk tsk). I miss CSB and my steady, sheltered life back then. Everything seemed so easy. So uncomplicated. My friends and I used to talk about who’d get married first, who’d have a baby first, who’d get a job first, what job we’d end up doing, who’d leave to go abroad.
And now, two years later, I’ve lost touch with maybe 95% of my blockmates. I actually only see Ja on a regular basis. Other ones I bump into occasionally - exchange the usual pleasantries and then head off. Funny how I never know what to say anymore even though before in class, we’d yell at each other from across the hall. It makes me sad that whenever I get to talk to a former classmate, we always end up promising each other to catch up, grab some lunch or go out. But deep inside, I know these are just that. Empty promises.
For a while now I’ve been thinking that it’s really up to me to put meaning into these promises. Ja and I were saying before how we should really make it a point to see and keep in touch with those friends. To actually go and pencil in those planned lunches or coffees or dinners or movies because if we don’t do it, it’s never gonna actually happen.
But this is only stage one of the Master Plan. I promised myself I’m really going to try and do something that really makes me happy. It sounds so cliché but I’ve always believed in the school of thought that as long as you’re passionate and happy with what you’re doing, you’re set. Although I know these days, given the economic situation of the country, it may sound very idealistic and unrealistic pero I just can’t imagine myself being stuck in a job I’m not happy with. It’s hard eh. The feeling of nag tya-tyaga lang. That’s what my Tita told me before. To not settle. That I shouldn’t waste my time doing something half-hearted.
I think this is the point where I really want to try and get to know me. Cos sometimes I have a feeling I don’t know myself. Or that I realize I’m like this or that pala. It feels so liberating getting to know oneself. It’s like lately I get to tell myself, hey I’m strong pala, or I’m really stubborn pala or I have certain values pala that I can’t compromise. Stuff like that.
Teka am I still making sense?
Basta I just wish I had been freer then. Or at least willing. Willing to commit mistakes, willing to try something new, willing to take a chance, willing to take the road less traveled, as they say.
I think all of this deep, mumbo jumbo internalizing shiat is brought about by the fact that I’m leaving this year for Australia. Basta I’ve been doing some major rethinking about my life that started this January. I have so much stuff going through my head lately na sometimes I'd just lay down and close my eyes and not do anything. I realize there’s so much I wanna be able to do, I wanna feel, I wanna experience without really having a clue as to how to go about it. All of it is frustrating, scary, depressing and exciting all at the same time. But I’m going to do it. Who knows what’s going to happen right? Now I have the chance to finally take a chance and I’m going on head first. Wish me luck. =)
Not naman go crazy and out of control but more along the lines of find ourselves, experience more, have fun, do what we want, see friends often, connect with those people we’ve lost touch with, be proactive, be independent, no regrets and just. Be. happy.
I’d always look at my college photos and realize that, while I made truly great friends and experienced so many things, I also missed out on a lot of stuff. I felt we were in a hurry. Trimester na nga so that made it easy for us to zip through our course in three and a half years tapos I didn’t even get de-blocked, meaning my classmates from freshman year were my classmates until the end.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my college life. I love being with my friends everyday…waiting for each other in our tambayans…the Thinking Spot (benches beside the LRC Main), Tagaytay (Plaza V), canteen (where my good friend Nina introduced me to the love that is Mango crepe), Study Area (where we also sleep and kill time and suck out the airconditioning) and of course, The Airport. We’d spend the whole day just laughing, I remember. We’d always exhaust our allowable absences, cutting classes with the only guy in the barkada, Anton, to go the mall to watch a movie and take more sticker pictures. We’d do each other’s home works, master kopyahan strategies and made sure everyone had their photocopies. It’s the time where we’d go drinking in UM at the middle of the day with the whole block. Oddly enough, even as I was surrounded by friends who smoked, I never did. Ngayon na lang talaga (tsk tsk tsk). I miss CSB and my steady, sheltered life back then. Everything seemed so easy. So uncomplicated. My friends and I used to talk about who’d get married first, who’d have a baby first, who’d get a job first, what job we’d end up doing, who’d leave to go abroad.
And now, two years later, I’ve lost touch with maybe 95% of my blockmates. I actually only see Ja on a regular basis. Other ones I bump into occasionally - exchange the usual pleasantries and then head off. Funny how I never know what to say anymore even though before in class, we’d yell at each other from across the hall. It makes me sad that whenever I get to talk to a former classmate, we always end up promising each other to catch up, grab some lunch or go out. But deep inside, I know these are just that. Empty promises.
For a while now I’ve been thinking that it’s really up to me to put meaning into these promises. Ja and I were saying before how we should really make it a point to see and keep in touch with those friends. To actually go and pencil in those planned lunches or coffees or dinners or movies because if we don’t do it, it’s never gonna actually happen.
But this is only stage one of the Master Plan. I promised myself I’m really going to try and do something that really makes me happy. It sounds so cliché but I’ve always believed in the school of thought that as long as you’re passionate and happy with what you’re doing, you’re set. Although I know these days, given the economic situation of the country, it may sound very idealistic and unrealistic pero I just can’t imagine myself being stuck in a job I’m not happy with. It’s hard eh. The feeling of nag tya-tyaga lang. That’s what my Tita told me before. To not settle. That I shouldn’t waste my time doing something half-hearted.
I think this is the point where I really want to try and get to know me. Cos sometimes I have a feeling I don’t know myself. Or that I realize I’m like this or that pala. It feels so liberating getting to know oneself. It’s like lately I get to tell myself, hey I’m strong pala, or I’m really stubborn pala or I have certain values pala that I can’t compromise. Stuff like that.
Teka am I still making sense?
Basta I just wish I had been freer then. Or at least willing. Willing to commit mistakes, willing to try something new, willing to take a chance, willing to take the road less traveled, as they say.
I think all of this deep, mumbo jumbo internalizing shiat is brought about by the fact that I’m leaving this year for Australia. Basta I’ve been doing some major rethinking about my life that started this January. I have so much stuff going through my head lately na sometimes I'd just lay down and close my eyes and not do anything. I realize there’s so much I wanna be able to do, I wanna feel, I wanna experience without really having a clue as to how to go about it. All of it is frustrating, scary, depressing and exciting all at the same time. But I’m going to do it. Who knows what’s going to happen right? Now I have the chance to finally take a chance and I’m going on head first. Wish me luck. =)