Rat Trap [4/6]
Title: Rat Trap [4/6]
Author/Artist: Sayasama
Character(s) or Pairing(s): Russia/US, and an "It's complicated" UK->US. Minor pairings include: LietPol (platonic), Netherlands/Canada, and GerIta. France and Prussia also make some appearances later.
Rating: PG-13 (maybe M) for sexual themes, some swearing, and later allusions to violence.
Warnings: Prostitution and the psychology thereof, psychological abuse, Dub-con and/or non-con depending on how you define the terms, swearing, and OOC.
Summary: "'Tis the strumpet's plague/To beguile many and be beguiled by one"-Iago; Othello, Act 4, Scene 1
A/n: Wow, the response for the last chapter was just like...wow. I love you guys, and all your comments left on every chapter~! They make me feel awesome like a little bird.
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Matthew found that he couldn’t complain when he was bear-hugged to the ground of the train station by his overly-affectionate brother. Between the hugging and the (embarrassing) brotherly kisses and the “Mattie, Mattie, I missed you so much” babble, he could hardly speak. When he finally did manage to calm his brother down, it was only so that he could return the enthusiastic greeting (though his greeting involved getting them off the ground, rather than bringing them to it).
“It’s good to see you again Al! Gosh, it’s been… How long has it been?”
“Since summer I guess? I dunno, feels like it’s been forever.”
“Yeah it does. Well, gimme some of your stuff; I got permission for you to stay in my dorm so you don’t have to splurge on a hotel.”
“Awesome!”
Alfred disentangled himself from his brother enough to pass over the one bag he had in his hand. They talked of inane little things as they moved together toward the exit, and moved onto somewhat more substantial matters as they drew closer to the college campus.
Alfred was left in awe when they finally reached the campus. In truth he had never been there, since he had sent Matthew off on his own and the only other time they saw each other was when Matthew came home for the summer. (On another note, summers were an interesting experience. For the past two years, during the week before Matthew got out for the summer, Alfred and Arthur would rush to move Alfred onto Arthur’s floor, trying to make it seem as though he’d been living with the older man the entire time. That had been the arrangement when they were first taken in, so it was the one they simulated whenever Matthew came back. Alfred always managed to convince Arthur to let him move back to his own room after, somehow.)
The campus might as well have been a castle, it impressed Alfred so. The tall, clean brick buildings, the stone pathways that connected them, well-manicured lawns and the rows of flowers all over the place, it all screamed of opportunity and bigger, better things than he’d ever really known. This was what he was working to send Matthew to and the more he looked around and listened to his brother talk about it (“And that’s the library, next to the observatory…”), the more reassured he was. It was worth it, worth the degrading job and the pressure from Arthur, worth dealing with Ludwig when he was on a warpath, worth the way Ivan had looked at him like he was the scum of the earth because he was, he was, oh God he was-
Alfred’s breath caught in his throat when he thought about it. Was it really worth it? No, of course it was, he was just being stupid and selfish again. He had been too much of both for too long, and this most recent fuck-up was just a reality check, reminding him how dumb it was to try and pursue anyone in the first place and how selfish it was to risk his deal with Arthur, made for Matthew’s sake, just for some flimsy happiness that could dry up with a single look.
“Hey, Al? Al, are you okay?” Matthew asked, waving a hand in front of his brother’s face, his own screwed up in concern. Alfred snapped back to the present and tried to arrange his features into a happy expression.
“I-I’m fine! It’s just… It’s nice here Matt, r-real nice,” Alfred responded, his voice trembling only a little bit. And the school was nice, nice and beautiful and worth it, worth it, worth it, thank God above, it was worth it. Matthew had a shot at a normal life now, so it was definitely worth it.
“Al…” Matthew murmured, aware as ever of his brother’s feelings. Working on the instincts that come with being so connected to someone, all the way down to the DNA, Matthew chose to say nothing and instead slung his arm around his brother’s shoulders, keeping them side-by-side for the rest of their trip to the dorms.
000
If Ivan could avoid the Süß Café, he would, but as things stood it was on the street that got him to work and back home the quickest. Stubbornly, he continued to use that route, even though walking by in the evenings and seeing Alfred working near the windows (looking depressed and tired and miserable) made his chest freeze over with bitter anger, sadness, betrayal and maybe concern too, because Alfred always worked so hard and forgot to take care of himself-but no, Ivan didn’t care anymore. Wouldn’t.
So he walked by, day after day, and suppressed any curiosity (worry) he might have felt during the few days he didn’t see Alfred in the window.
000
On the first day of his visit, Alfred just made himself comfortable in Matthew’s dorm room while they talked about inane things. The conversations only got more absurd when Matt’s roommate, a very boisterous Korean who seemed to have a skewed understanding of world history (“I know I’m not the smartest guy out there, but I’m pretty damn sure Jesus wasn’t invented in Korea”), entered into the fray. There were jokes and shenanigans and a good time was had by all.
The second day was what Alfred was really there for, though. Alfred squirmed in his seat, excited that he was actually going to see one of his brother’s games in person, rather than on a poorly-made DVD or on a college sports channel. He was there early, since he had to come to the rink when Matthew did. Sure the rink was cold and his feet were numb, but hey, he had a cell phone to play Pac-Man on and a game to look forward to seeing, so he saw no reason to complain.
He was just about to eat a ghost when someone suddenly came up behind him and started ruffling his hair.
“Hey Matt, what’s with the new cut?” A deep voice asked from behind him. Alfred exited his game then turned around to face the newcomer, feeling a bit strange because of the mix-up. He remembered when they were being bounced around the system it was always Matthew who was getting mistaken for him, never the other way around.
“Uh, I’m not Mattie, I’m his brother,” Alfred said sheepishly to the giant of a man. He was tall, probably around six feet, and muscular without being particularly bulky. His hair stood on end as though he’d just been in a windstorm, probably adding a good two inches to his already ridiculous height. Whoever he was he was friendly, as even after Alfred had corrected him he still took a seat next to him.
“Oh, sorry then. You must be Alfred, right? He talks about you a lot. My name’s Lars, by the way,” the man, now identified as Lars, held out his hand, which Alfred shook firmly.
“Nice to meet you. So, I take it you’re a friend of Mattie’s?”
“Yeah, yeah. Though ah…” Lars scratched at the back of his head, the friendly grin on his face accompanied by a slight flush. “It’s sorta quick to be telling you this, but you’re his only family, right? So it’d only be appropriate to say.”
“Okaaay, go for it.”
“I’m in love with your brother.”
Alfred let out a low whistle, impressed by Lars’ forwardness. “So I take it you’re the one behind the flowers?” He asked his expression happy even though his eyes had taken on a more calculating light. Lars was friendly enough, he had a good handshake, and Matthew obviously thought he was a good enough person to be friends with, but who could really tell?
“He told you about those, huh?” Lars responded, looking both a bit proud and embarrassed.
“Yup. Did he figure out it was you? I never asked.”
At this, Lars gave a long-suffering sigh. “No, and I’m really close to running out of cash, too…”
“Then just tell him,” Alfred said, having had far too much of hesitation in his own love life to be able to stand for it in his brother’s.
Lars’ expression lit up for a moment, before mellowing out into an easy grin. “So, does that mean Mr. Scary Big Brother is giving me permission to ask out his little bro?” He asked, partly joking but with an undercurrent of seriousness and hope.
Alfred took a moment to look pensive, before matching the taller man’s grin with one of his own. “Well, I think I’ll decide on that after the game.”
000
“An’-an’ holy crap, that goal you scored in the last five scheconds? Shiiiit, you owned that rink, m’bro.”
“I know Al, I was there,” Matthew said with a badly suppressed grin. “Who bought you beer again?” He asked with a sigh. His brother was drunk-not terribly so, but enough so that it showed.
“Tall guy, Larry o’ somethin’. Real nice guy. I approve.”
Matthew flushed up to his hairline. “Shut up Al.”
“Ey, where’s th’ Asian kid? Ya know, that hyper one?” Alfred asked his brother, who was trying to maneuver them both into his dorm room.
“Video game tournament in the common room. C’mon now, let’s get you somewhere you can pass out.”
Alfred pouted at him and made an attempt to look a bit more sober. For a moment, he succeeded. “Mattie, I am not that much of a lightweight. Nor am I that drunk.”
“Whatever, just change into some night clothes,” Matthew said with a sigh as he dropped his brother into a chair. A moment later, he had rifled through Alfred’s things, found suitable pajamas, and tossed them at his brother’s head.
Alfred began to struggle out of his clothes, drunkenly fumbling with some buttons here and there, when he caught sight of his own skin and froze. He’d almost forgotten about them-the scars. The ones he shouldn’t have, the ones he couldn’t explain to Matthew even if he wanted to. He couldn’t even remember where most of them came from anymore, just that they were from a handful of johns who liked to play far too roughly. How could he ever explain the patchwork of cuts, burns and bruises to his brother?
“Turn around,” he told Matthew, who unlike him, had nothing to hide but a couple of game-related bruises. Matthew raised an eyebrow at him in reply.
“Al, we’re twins, we essentially have the same body. Besides, I’m not looking at you anyway.”
“Turn around,” he said again, feeling nervous and trying to hide it with petulance. His brother’s face scrunched up in confusion, but he complied and turned to look in the opposite direction.
“This good enough?” Matthew asked. Alfred made a little affirmative noise in reply, before changing as quickly as he could in his tipsy state.
“Alfred…” Matthew began quietly as they both got comfortable in his (far too small for two fully-grown men) bed. In a habit that had probably been with them since their days in the womb, they curled protectively around each other, both because of their small confines and for the sake of creature comfort.
“Yeah?”
“I realize this is probably not the best time, what with me having just scored the winning goal and you being both pleasantly buzzed and excessively happy for me and all but… You’ve been sort of strange since you got here,” Matthew said, trying to maintain eye-contact with his brother, whose focus didn’t seem to be on anything tangible.
“Whaddya mean? I’m totally fine,” Alfred denied, his eyebrows knitting together just a bit.
Matthew sighed. “No, you’re not. You were ready to cry when you got here yesterday, and even before that your last few emails have sounded sort of… urgent. Like you really needed to be here and away from home.”
“Can’t I jus’ be eager t’ see my brother?” Alfred asked defensively, not liking where this was going.
“I don’t doubt that!” Matthew hastily amended, “But there’s something wrong, I can tell, and I want to help. You haven’t been this way since I first left for college and that time you didn’t tell me anything at all. I just want to know for once so I can do something for you,” Matthew said earnestly, desperately hoping that Alfred might let him in on his problems.
“There was nothing wrong then and there’s nothing wrong now,” Alfred nearly snapped, shrinking away from Matthew, toward the edge of the bed. Matthew couldn’t be allowed to know. He couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t or he’d be disgusted and leave too and Alfred would go crazy-
“Is it work? Did you fight with one of your friends there, or get into trouble?” Matthew persisted in asking questions, hoping that if he could make Alfred answer he would eventually get to the truth of the matter.
Alfred shook his head; as far as work at the café went he was doing just fine. As for his night job, Matthew didn’t know about it so he couldn’t be asking about it, so it wasn’t lying if Alfred’s answer didn’t necessarily reflect his feelings on that particular issue.
“Then is it Arthur? Are you guys not getting along or something?”
Alfred shook his head again, not trusting himself to articulate a response to that. In truth he was furious with Arthur, knowing that he was the only one who could’ve let Ivan into the house that night. Arthur had even admitted to it when he confronted the man about it. “It’s your own fault,” he had said, giving Alfred an almost pitying look. “You shouldn’t go about making such… close friends in the first place. They’ll all leave the minute they learn what you are. They won’t understand you, they’ll just be disgusted.”
Alfred’s distress was growing in equal proportion to Matthew’s frustration. Matthew was finding it too difficult to read his tipsy brother’s little head motions; Alfred was finding it hard not to think about all the things that had been making him hurt for weeks. Despite his efforts, his emotions were building up faster than he could push them down.
“Then what is it? If it’s not work and it’s nothing at home, then what is it? Is it someone in the boarding house giving you trouble? Or is some customer from the café harassing you?” Alfred shook his head to each question. Matthew let out a disgruntled noise in response. If it wasn’t work and it wasn’t anyone in the boarding house, what was left? Matthew wracked his brain for something that wasn’t related to those two things. Finally after a few minutes of thinking over their recent emails, Matthew figured it out.
“It’s that guy, isn’t it? The one you’ve been telling me about. Something happened.” A choked sob escaped Alfred at that and Matthew knew he’d gotten it right.
“What happened? If he did anything to you I swear I’ll-“
“N-no!” Alfred said in a voice much too loud for their close proximity. “No. He didn’t do anything,” Alfred said, trying hard to keep his composure. It wasn’t Ivan’s fault, it was his, his from the very beginning, thinking he could be close to anyone outside of the house. He never should’ve gone out with Ivan, he’d known it was wrong and he didn’t deserve it and Ivan didn’t deserve the nasty shock of realizing his companion was little more than a cheap fuck. Tremors shot through him at the thought of those amethyst eyes frozen on him, shocked and disgusted.
“Al, hey, say something, what happened?” Matthew asked, sounding equal parts panicked and concerned.
“It’s m’ fault,” Alfred murmured, his hands clutching at the front of Matthew’s nightshirt as though the strain in his knuckles would keep the strain out of his voice. “I-I messed up Mattie. I messed up, I-“
‘I’m messed up.’
000
“Are you sure you’re gonna be okay Al?” Matthew asked as the train slowly pulled into place. Alfred flushed, very self-conscious about the slight puffiness around his eyes left over from the night before.
“Yeah, I’m gonna be just fine, okay? So stop worrying about my romantic life and start worrying about your own! Mr. Tulips is gonna run out of money before you figure out who the heck he is at this rate!” Alfred mock-scolded, ruffling his brother’s hair. Matthew scrambled to fix the mess Alfred made, pouting as he did so.
“Sh-shut up Al!” Matthew muttered with a half-hearted glare.
For a few seconds after that, they just stood together, both reluctant to separate again. Finally, Alfred sighed and took his bag from Matthew.
“Well, it’s time for me to head out. I’ll see ya when I see ya,” Alfred said, moving forward to give Matthew a tight hug which was readily returned.
“Yeah. I love you bro,” Matthew said quietly but earnestly.
“Love ya too,” Alfred muttered before letting go and boarding the train. Once he was on board and seated, he looked out his window to find Matt and see if he was still there. Finding that yes, Matthew was in fact still there, Alfred proceeded to get his attention via a combination of knocking on the glass, gesturing wildly, and being generally obnoxious. Once his brother’s attention had been gained, he alternated between making embarrassing gestures of affection and silly faces until the train started to pull away, at which point he started waving out the window until he could see his brother no more.
The train ride became more and more torturous the longer it continued. Alfred found himself alternating between thinking deeply about the predicament he was returning to and not thinking at all. He constructed possible solutions only to dismiss them as hare-brained or impossible, and then tried to get rid of all the clutter in his mind so he could start again. So deep in thought was he that he didn’t even realize the hours passing by. He wasn’t even aware of the fact that he’d reached his destination until a kindly old woman tapped his shoulder and told him they had reached the station.
Walking through the train station, Alfred sighed when he exited and finally reached the street. It was a pretty long ways away from-well, not home, but the place he lived. He would walk anyway, just because he honestly wasn’t all that eager to return to the house. So walk he did, right through some of the nicer areas of the town, which opened up into the familiar business district that held law firms and little German cafés alike.
It was in this area, just as the sun was going down, that Alfred’s musing resulted in him bumping into someone. His first reaction was to apologize, but when he looked up at the person in order to do so, his vocal cords froze and refused to utter a word. They were not alone as at that moment his entire body decided to start a mutiny against him, not budging even though he desperately wanted to run away from the piercing violet eyes looking down at him.
This was not how Alfred had envisioned meeting Ivan again.
At first Alfred was unsure of what he should do. Should he say a polite sorry and be on his way, or should he do something else? Ivan answered that question easily enough for him though; once the (apparently equally shocked) Russian had gained his bearings, he brushed right past Alfred without so much as a peep.
There was no denying that it stung to be disregarded so easily, but more than that Alfred wanted to do something. He shouldn’t though, he knew. He should just let Ivan keep on walking and hope that he forgot all about Alfred; that he went on and had a happy fulfilling life that didn’t involve the heartache that came with dating a prostitute. However another voice in his mind begged him to chase Ivan down before it was too late and explain, apologize, do anything so that Ivan wouldn’t hate him at the very least. Would letting Ivan go now set things right? Or was it worth it to run after him and try to talk to him?
Alfred’s mind wasn’t entirely decided on the issue, but his body apparently was as before he realized it, he was charging down the sidewalk heading straight for the Russian’s back. “Ivan!” He yelled, almost surprised to hear his own voice. He saw that broad, familiar back seize up for a moment, before Ivan continued to walk, albeit at a brisker pace. Incensed by the dismissal, Alfred pushed himself to run faster and faster, until there was only a few feet of distance between them. Taking a minute to look at his surroundings-the mostly empty sidewalk, the somewhat busy street and the empty lot about ten feet or so ahead-Alfred made a final decision on what he would do. With one last push forward, Alfred tackled Ivan, making him stumble into the empty lot before they both fell onto the ground there.
“Jesus, do-don’t you know you’re supposed to… w-wait when someone calls for you?” Alfred tried to say around huge gulps of air. He lifted himself up off of Ivan’s back, helping pull the other man up out of the dirt once he was upright. Ivan gave him an extremely displeased look before moving to get up and leave. Alfred would be having none of that though, and grabbed Ivan’s arm tightly, stopping him from getting up. With an almighty sigh, Ivan gave up on trying to leave and settled for looking supremely annoyed.
“ What do you want?” Ivan asked, his voice flat and tired. It hurt Alfred to hear it, hurt to know he was the reason it sounded so worn.
“Look, I know what you saw and I’m not here to tell you it wasn’t what it looked like, ‘cause frankly it was probably a lot worse than what you imagine,” Alfred said quickly, nearly babbling. “But you should know the truth, even though you probably will really hate me after that. Just, just hear me out this once and I’ll never bother you or tackle you into another empty lot again.”
Ivan gave him a piercing glare for a moment, looking ready to utilize his greater size and just get up and leave, even if it meant dragging Alfred with him on his arm. Finally though, after a moment where Alfred couldn’t get himself to look Ivan in the face and so settled for hugging the other’s arm to him like a lifeline, Ivan replied with a sarcastic, “Is that a promise?”
Alfred heaved sigh of relief. “Yeah, it’s a promise.”
“Then I suggest you start explaining. I have no interest in sitting on the ground any longer than I have to.”
“Right, right,” Alfred said, releasing Ivan’s arm now that he knew the other wouldn’t bolt. Bringing his hands to his face, Alfred prepared himself for a very long evening.
“Okay, so I’ve told you about the whole parents leavin’ Mattie and me with my gramps and skipping out on us, right? And then getting bounced around orphanages, and protecting Mattie from bullies and all?” Alfred asked, giving Ivan a moment to give an affirmative answer.
“Right. Well, I think I’ve told you that we stayed in the system until we were too old and got kicked out. When Mattie and I went looking for somewhere to stay, we didn’t really have much of anything to support ourselves on, and Mattie had been accepted to a college he’d only applied to in order to see if he could make it at all. We were desperate, you know? So when we looked through housing ads and saw how cheap Arthur’s place was we went for it. He… he seemed like a real God-send at the time. Arthur sat down with us and let us explain our situation to him. He gave us a room on his own floor at a reduced price and even offered to pay for Mattie to go to college-“
“-That is seeming too good to be true,” Ivan cut in, looking suspicious already.
“That’s because it was,” Alfred responded. “I’m getting there as fast as I can so just calm down, okay? Now as I was saying, he was basically offering to give us everything we needed, and the only catch was that I had to work for him. He said I’d being doing physical labor around the boarding house. I know I should’ve been suspicious, but at the time I was desperate to get Mattie to college because he’d worked for it and deserved it, a-and Arthur was nice, and sympathetic, and a whole mess of things I wasn’t used to.
“So for a few months the two of us lived with Arthur on the second floor doing just what Arthur had said we’d do-manual labor around the house. He was really, really nice to us, me especially. I’ll admit I had something of a crush on him at the time. I-I know it’s stupid but I wasn’t used to being treated kindly and being told I was good and smart and useful-I was nothing but a troublemaker to the people at the orphanages, I sort of forgot that people could be nice. I-It was really nice for those first few months, living with Arthur. But then, then Mattie left for college and things, things changed.”
At this point, Alfred had to take a deep stabilizing breath. He looked over to Ivan and saw he had the Russian’s full attention, which was good he supposed, because for now it was what he wanted. Still, he was so self-conscious about the fact that he was going to tell Ivan the truth, the truth he hadn’t even told Matthew, and in the middle of a random empty lot no less.
“Mattie left, and for a few months I continued to work for Arthur like I did before. But, well, it wasn’t exactly lucrative and I knew it. But Arthur kept saying it was fine, it was fine, he enjoyed having me around and I was good and useful so it was okay. Still, I was uncomfortable with it so I started looking for jobs in the area. He walked in one day when I was doing that and said if it really bothered me so much, he had something I could do that paid much better.”
In, out, Alfred took a few more deep breaths, not wanting to tell any of this to Ivan but knowing that since he’d started, there was no backing down. “Stupidly, I agreed before asking what the job was. Then he, he took me to his room and-“
“-And forced himself on you,” Ivan said, his voice low and his expression grim. Alfred shook his head vigorously.
“No, not that time he didn’t,” Alfred corrected. “I-I liked him, adored him, and I didn’t mind because I thought it would m-m-make him h-happy. It was just him, j-just teaching me things and telling me I was good, a-and a fast learner and that he-“ ‘That he loved me and wouldn’t leave me even if I was dirty or bad.’
“It wasn’t until a month later, when he moved me to a room on the, on the third floor and he made me start seeing other clients that I really realized what I’d been r-roped into. By then I was already heavy in debt and felt like I had to keep doing what Arthur wanted me to if I was gonna keep Mattie in school. So, here I am, two years later, still in the business.
“Hah, and now, irony of all ironies, he-he wants me to move back to his floor. To play pet, I guess? I haven’t, be-because I don’t want to be locked in forever but…” ‘But what’s left out here for me anyway?’
His unspoken words rung through the silence that descended upon him, loud as church bells. Alfred gave himself a mental pat on the back for keeping it together as well as he had. He wondered if breaking down and crying would’ve softened Ivan up more, but rejected the idea almost as soon as it came to him. He didn’t want Ivan’s pity, he just wanted Ivan to know the truth. He deserved that much, even if it was horrible and he didn’t want to hear it.
“So…” Ivan said once the silence became just a bit too much for him, “You are a prostitute.”
“Yes.”
“You were coerced into it.”
“Yes.”
“I can assume then that the person I saw you with was one of your johns?”
“Yes.”
Ivan gave a large sigh, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. “One question, Alfred.”
“Shoot.”
“Why, since you knew your situation, did you ever agree to go anywhere with me?” Ivan asked, and behind his tired voice and carefully blank expression Alfred could see the confusion of a child left alone in a storm, not understanding why he’s been put in the position he’s in.
Alfred hugged his knees to himself, guilt crawling under his skin and making him feel lower than the dirt he was sitting on. “I-I’m sorry. I knew it was wrong and you didn’t deserve it, bu-but I just want to… I just wanted to know you.” Alfred put his head down on his knees, too afraid to look at Ivan now. “I was selfish, I should’ve just said no when you-but you l-looked so hopeful and I wanted to s-see you happy so I said yes because it always, always m-made my day to see you looking happy. A-and I kept seeing you be-because I really, really like you and being with you is like, it’s like being free. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Silence, punctuated by muffled sobs and sharp intakes of breath, reigned once again as the words sunk into Ivan’s mind and heart. He wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about the whole situation, but Alfred’s half-sobbed, stuttered words made him feel warmer than he had in what seemed like an eternity. It was as though a warm breeze had replaced the blizzard in him, melting the snow and promising an abundant spring. Ivan took a moment to revel in the warmth, thankful for its return.
His attention was brought back to the external world when Alfred stood up, his hands and shoulders shaking ever so slightly as he muttered, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have wasted your time. I won’t bother you anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
It was Ivan’s turn to grab Alfred’s arm and haul him to the ground. Alfred yelped, overbalanced, and fell backward, getting the wind knocked out of him when he landed. He looked up at Ivan with something like fear in his eyes, though why that was Ivan couldn’t exactly say. Leaning over the other, so as to look him in the eyes, Ivan tried his hardest not to look particularly intimidating as he asked, “You do not like being there, да?”
For a minute, Alfred looks completely bewildered by the question, as though he’d suddenly forgotten all his English. Then, with a slight tone of indignity in his voice he replied, “Of course I don’t like it! I hate that house, and the sex, and what I’ve been turned into!”
“Then why not leave?”
Immediately Alfred’s head filled with reasons why he couldn’t: Matthew’s tuition, his debt, the fact that he was a dirty whore with nowhere else to go and who would want him around anyway? He was useless and stupid and scarred-“If I leave, he’ll stop paying Matt’s tuition. Mattie’s in his junior year, I can’t just skip out on him now.”
Ivan stared Alfred straight in the eyes for a good long minute, seeming to see the unsaid thoughts swimming about in his mind. “You would leave though, if you could?” Ivan asked.
Alfred had started to nod to the question when his insecurities started clawing at his mind. ‘You’re disgusting,’ a voice rang in his ears. ‘You’re scarred and ugly, you’re dumb, easily tricked; you’re a whore, not even a person, just something others use. If you leave, you’ll be alone. No one would stick by such a repulsive person, and the only person who would is the one who made you what you are. You need Arthur because you have nowhere else to go, no one else to go to.’
“Alfred!” Ivan called, his worry building as he watched Alfred’s eyes become wide and unseeing, as trembling overtook him and that odd look of fear entered his eyes again. “Alfred!”
The second call cut through the darkness of his thoughts and Alfred took a shuttering breath as he came back to himself. “I-I-“
“Whatever you are thinking of,” Ivan interrupted, not wanting to hear another apology, “it was not what I asked. Do not question whether you should, or even if you could. Just think of what you want. Do you want to leave?”
Alfred thought of Toris and Feliks at the café, how much nicer it would be if he didn’t have to lie to them when they questioned him about his fatigue and how nice it would be to not be fatigued at all. How much easier would it be to talk openly with his brother, not having to hide anything? How much more could he have enjoyed every date with Ivan if he hadn’t been apologizing silently through them all? How much stress would he lose if he didn’t have to worry about diseases and infected wounds and the possibility that the next man to walk through his door would be the one to lose it and kill him? Alfred thought of freedom and having dignity and feeling human again. Easily as that, he knew his answer.
“…Ye-yes. I hate this. I want to get out.”
“Then we will find a way to get you out,” Ivan said, sounding completely sure of himself. He stopped leaning over Alfred, straightening up so that the blond would have room to sit up. Quickly Alfred moved to get off the cold ground, only to freeze up midway.
“Wait. We will? We will?” Alfred asked, disbelieving and wondering if maybe he was losing his hearing.
“We will.”
“But how? I can’t exactly just tell Arthur to take my huge debt and shove it,” Alfred said, trying to mentally calculate just how far his debt had escalated. The numbers he was coming up with weren’t promising.
“Then I will pay them,” Ivan said, seeming entirely unperturbed by the prospect.
“No!” Alfred nearly shouted, going so far as to jerk away from Ivan at the very suggestion. Ivan’s expression became clouded with confusion and a bit of hurt at the strong rejection. Alfred only noticed peripherally, too busy was he trying to regain his fragile composure.
“No,” he repeated again, this time quietly. “I won’t be indebted to anyone else. If you really want to help me, do it anyway you want, but you can’t put even a cent toward paying off my debt.”
“Alfred that is ridiculous-you will be stuck there forever if you do not have help financially. Trust me to help you with this, please.”
For a moment Alfred was struck motionless by the memory those words invoked. He had said it before and meant it, he did trust Ivan. But could he trust anyone not to take advantage of him when he was so low?
“Last time I trusted someone with a debt this big, he made me a prostitute,” Alfred said after a long silence.
“Alfred.” Ivan shifted until he was in directly in front of Alfred, looking straight into his eyes. “Alfred, I am not him. Please trust me.”
“I…” Alfred couldn’t look away from those imploring violet eyes that begged for trust. He couldn’t get over that Ivan was here and with him and knew about him but was offering help rather than leaving him alone. Slowly, Alfred moved forward, reaching out to wrap his arms around Ivan’s neck.
“I… I do. I do trust you.”
<-Last Chapter / Next Chapter->
Author/Artist: Sayasama
Character(s) or Pairing(s): Russia/US, and an "It's complicated" UK->US. Minor pairings include: LietPol (platonic), Netherlands/Canada, and GerIta. France and Prussia also make some appearances later.
Rating: PG-13 (maybe M) for sexual themes, some swearing, and later allusions to violence.
Warnings: Prostitution and the psychology thereof, psychological abuse, Dub-con and/or non-con depending on how you define the terms, swearing, and OOC.
Summary: "'Tis the strumpet's plague/To beguile many and be beguiled by one"-Iago; Othello, Act 4, Scene 1
A/n: Wow, the response for the last chapter was just like...wow. I love you guys, and all your comments left on every chapter~! They make me feel awesome like a little bird.
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Matthew found that he couldn’t complain when he was bear-hugged to the ground of the train station by his overly-affectionate brother. Between the hugging and the (embarrassing) brotherly kisses and the “Mattie, Mattie, I missed you so much” babble, he could hardly speak. When he finally did manage to calm his brother down, it was only so that he could return the enthusiastic greeting (though his greeting involved getting them off the ground, rather than bringing them to it).
“It’s good to see you again Al! Gosh, it’s been… How long has it been?”
“Since summer I guess? I dunno, feels like it’s been forever.”
“Yeah it does. Well, gimme some of your stuff; I got permission for you to stay in my dorm so you don’t have to splurge on a hotel.”
“Awesome!”
Alfred disentangled himself from his brother enough to pass over the one bag he had in his hand. They talked of inane little things as they moved together toward the exit, and moved onto somewhat more substantial matters as they drew closer to the college campus.
Alfred was left in awe when they finally reached the campus. In truth he had never been there, since he had sent Matthew off on his own and the only other time they saw each other was when Matthew came home for the summer. (On another note, summers were an interesting experience. For the past two years, during the week before Matthew got out for the summer, Alfred and Arthur would rush to move Alfred onto Arthur’s floor, trying to make it seem as though he’d been living with the older man the entire time. That had been the arrangement when they were first taken in, so it was the one they simulated whenever Matthew came back. Alfred always managed to convince Arthur to let him move back to his own room after, somehow.)
The campus might as well have been a castle, it impressed Alfred so. The tall, clean brick buildings, the stone pathways that connected them, well-manicured lawns and the rows of flowers all over the place, it all screamed of opportunity and bigger, better things than he’d ever really known. This was what he was working to send Matthew to and the more he looked around and listened to his brother talk about it (“And that’s the library, next to the observatory…”), the more reassured he was. It was worth it, worth the degrading job and the pressure from Arthur, worth dealing with Ludwig when he was on a warpath, worth the way Ivan had looked at him like he was the scum of the earth because he was, he was, oh God he was-
Alfred’s breath caught in his throat when he thought about it. Was it really worth it? No, of course it was, he was just being stupid and selfish again. He had been too much of both for too long, and this most recent fuck-up was just a reality check, reminding him how dumb it was to try and pursue anyone in the first place and how selfish it was to risk his deal with Arthur, made for Matthew’s sake, just for some flimsy happiness that could dry up with a single look.
“Hey, Al? Al, are you okay?” Matthew asked, waving a hand in front of his brother’s face, his own screwed up in concern. Alfred snapped back to the present and tried to arrange his features into a happy expression.
“I-I’m fine! It’s just… It’s nice here Matt, r-real nice,” Alfred responded, his voice trembling only a little bit. And the school was nice, nice and beautiful and worth it, worth it, worth it, thank God above, it was worth it. Matthew had a shot at a normal life now, so it was definitely worth it.
“Al…” Matthew murmured, aware as ever of his brother’s feelings. Working on the instincts that come with being so connected to someone, all the way down to the DNA, Matthew chose to say nothing and instead slung his arm around his brother’s shoulders, keeping them side-by-side for the rest of their trip to the dorms.
000
If Ivan could avoid the Süß Café, he would, but as things stood it was on the street that got him to work and back home the quickest. Stubbornly, he continued to use that route, even though walking by in the evenings and seeing Alfred working near the windows (looking depressed and tired and miserable) made his chest freeze over with bitter anger, sadness, betrayal and maybe concern too, because Alfred always worked so hard and forgot to take care of himself-but no, Ivan didn’t care anymore. Wouldn’t.
So he walked by, day after day, and suppressed any curiosity (worry) he might have felt during the few days he didn’t see Alfred in the window.
000
On the first day of his visit, Alfred just made himself comfortable in Matthew’s dorm room while they talked about inane things. The conversations only got more absurd when Matt’s roommate, a very boisterous Korean who seemed to have a skewed understanding of world history (“I know I’m not the smartest guy out there, but I’m pretty damn sure Jesus wasn’t invented in Korea”), entered into the fray. There were jokes and shenanigans and a good time was had by all.
The second day was what Alfred was really there for, though. Alfred squirmed in his seat, excited that he was actually going to see one of his brother’s games in person, rather than on a poorly-made DVD or on a college sports channel. He was there early, since he had to come to the rink when Matthew did. Sure the rink was cold and his feet were numb, but hey, he had a cell phone to play Pac-Man on and a game to look forward to seeing, so he saw no reason to complain.
He was just about to eat a ghost when someone suddenly came up behind him and started ruffling his hair.
“Hey Matt, what’s with the new cut?” A deep voice asked from behind him. Alfred exited his game then turned around to face the newcomer, feeling a bit strange because of the mix-up. He remembered when they were being bounced around the system it was always Matthew who was getting mistaken for him, never the other way around.
“Uh, I’m not Mattie, I’m his brother,” Alfred said sheepishly to the giant of a man. He was tall, probably around six feet, and muscular without being particularly bulky. His hair stood on end as though he’d just been in a windstorm, probably adding a good two inches to his already ridiculous height. Whoever he was he was friendly, as even after Alfred had corrected him he still took a seat next to him.
“Oh, sorry then. You must be Alfred, right? He talks about you a lot. My name’s Lars, by the way,” the man, now identified as Lars, held out his hand, which Alfred shook firmly.
“Nice to meet you. So, I take it you’re a friend of Mattie’s?”
“Yeah, yeah. Though ah…” Lars scratched at the back of his head, the friendly grin on his face accompanied by a slight flush. “It’s sorta quick to be telling you this, but you’re his only family, right? So it’d only be appropriate to say.”
“Okaaay, go for it.”
“I’m in love with your brother.”
Alfred let out a low whistle, impressed by Lars’ forwardness. “So I take it you’re the one behind the flowers?” He asked his expression happy even though his eyes had taken on a more calculating light. Lars was friendly enough, he had a good handshake, and Matthew obviously thought he was a good enough person to be friends with, but who could really tell?
“He told you about those, huh?” Lars responded, looking both a bit proud and embarrassed.
“Yup. Did he figure out it was you? I never asked.”
At this, Lars gave a long-suffering sigh. “No, and I’m really close to running out of cash, too…”
“Then just tell him,” Alfred said, having had far too much of hesitation in his own love life to be able to stand for it in his brother’s.
Lars’ expression lit up for a moment, before mellowing out into an easy grin. “So, does that mean Mr. Scary Big Brother is giving me permission to ask out his little bro?” He asked, partly joking but with an undercurrent of seriousness and hope.
Alfred took a moment to look pensive, before matching the taller man’s grin with one of his own. “Well, I think I’ll decide on that after the game.”
000
“An’-an’ holy crap, that goal you scored in the last five scheconds? Shiiiit, you owned that rink, m’bro.”
“I know Al, I was there,” Matthew said with a badly suppressed grin. “Who bought you beer again?” He asked with a sigh. His brother was drunk-not terribly so, but enough so that it showed.
“Tall guy, Larry o’ somethin’. Real nice guy. I approve.”
Matthew flushed up to his hairline. “Shut up Al.”
“Ey, where’s th’ Asian kid? Ya know, that hyper one?” Alfred asked his brother, who was trying to maneuver them both into his dorm room.
“Video game tournament in the common room. C’mon now, let’s get you somewhere you can pass out.”
Alfred pouted at him and made an attempt to look a bit more sober. For a moment, he succeeded. “Mattie, I am not that much of a lightweight. Nor am I that drunk.”
“Whatever, just change into some night clothes,” Matthew said with a sigh as he dropped his brother into a chair. A moment later, he had rifled through Alfred’s things, found suitable pajamas, and tossed them at his brother’s head.
Alfred began to struggle out of his clothes, drunkenly fumbling with some buttons here and there, when he caught sight of his own skin and froze. He’d almost forgotten about them-the scars. The ones he shouldn’t have, the ones he couldn’t explain to Matthew even if he wanted to. He couldn’t even remember where most of them came from anymore, just that they were from a handful of johns who liked to play far too roughly. How could he ever explain the patchwork of cuts, burns and bruises to his brother?
“Turn around,” he told Matthew, who unlike him, had nothing to hide but a couple of game-related bruises. Matthew raised an eyebrow at him in reply.
“Al, we’re twins, we essentially have the same body. Besides, I’m not looking at you anyway.”
“Turn around,” he said again, feeling nervous and trying to hide it with petulance. His brother’s face scrunched up in confusion, but he complied and turned to look in the opposite direction.
“This good enough?” Matthew asked. Alfred made a little affirmative noise in reply, before changing as quickly as he could in his tipsy state.
“Alfred…” Matthew began quietly as they both got comfortable in his (far too small for two fully-grown men) bed. In a habit that had probably been with them since their days in the womb, they curled protectively around each other, both because of their small confines and for the sake of creature comfort.
“Yeah?”
“I realize this is probably not the best time, what with me having just scored the winning goal and you being both pleasantly buzzed and excessively happy for me and all but… You’ve been sort of strange since you got here,” Matthew said, trying to maintain eye-contact with his brother, whose focus didn’t seem to be on anything tangible.
“Whaddya mean? I’m totally fine,” Alfred denied, his eyebrows knitting together just a bit.
Matthew sighed. “No, you’re not. You were ready to cry when you got here yesterday, and even before that your last few emails have sounded sort of… urgent. Like you really needed to be here and away from home.”
“Can’t I jus’ be eager t’ see my brother?” Alfred asked defensively, not liking where this was going.
“I don’t doubt that!” Matthew hastily amended, “But there’s something wrong, I can tell, and I want to help. You haven’t been this way since I first left for college and that time you didn’t tell me anything at all. I just want to know for once so I can do something for you,” Matthew said earnestly, desperately hoping that Alfred might let him in on his problems.
“There was nothing wrong then and there’s nothing wrong now,” Alfred nearly snapped, shrinking away from Matthew, toward the edge of the bed. Matthew couldn’t be allowed to know. He couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t or he’d be disgusted and leave too and Alfred would go crazy-
“Is it work? Did you fight with one of your friends there, or get into trouble?” Matthew persisted in asking questions, hoping that if he could make Alfred answer he would eventually get to the truth of the matter.
Alfred shook his head; as far as work at the café went he was doing just fine. As for his night job, Matthew didn’t know about it so he couldn’t be asking about it, so it wasn’t lying if Alfred’s answer didn’t necessarily reflect his feelings on that particular issue.
“Then is it Arthur? Are you guys not getting along or something?”
Alfred shook his head again, not trusting himself to articulate a response to that. In truth he was furious with Arthur, knowing that he was the only one who could’ve let Ivan into the house that night. Arthur had even admitted to it when he confronted the man about it. “It’s your own fault,” he had said, giving Alfred an almost pitying look. “You shouldn’t go about making such… close friends in the first place. They’ll all leave the minute they learn what you are. They won’t understand you, they’ll just be disgusted.”
Alfred’s distress was growing in equal proportion to Matthew’s frustration. Matthew was finding it too difficult to read his tipsy brother’s little head motions; Alfred was finding it hard not to think about all the things that had been making him hurt for weeks. Despite his efforts, his emotions were building up faster than he could push them down.
“Then what is it? If it’s not work and it’s nothing at home, then what is it? Is it someone in the boarding house giving you trouble? Or is some customer from the café harassing you?” Alfred shook his head to each question. Matthew let out a disgruntled noise in response. If it wasn’t work and it wasn’t anyone in the boarding house, what was left? Matthew wracked his brain for something that wasn’t related to those two things. Finally after a few minutes of thinking over their recent emails, Matthew figured it out.
“It’s that guy, isn’t it? The one you’ve been telling me about. Something happened.” A choked sob escaped Alfred at that and Matthew knew he’d gotten it right.
“What happened? If he did anything to you I swear I’ll-“
“N-no!” Alfred said in a voice much too loud for their close proximity. “No. He didn’t do anything,” Alfred said, trying hard to keep his composure. It wasn’t Ivan’s fault, it was his, his from the very beginning, thinking he could be close to anyone outside of the house. He never should’ve gone out with Ivan, he’d known it was wrong and he didn’t deserve it and Ivan didn’t deserve the nasty shock of realizing his companion was little more than a cheap fuck. Tremors shot through him at the thought of those amethyst eyes frozen on him, shocked and disgusted.
“Al, hey, say something, what happened?” Matthew asked, sounding equal parts panicked and concerned.
“It’s m’ fault,” Alfred murmured, his hands clutching at the front of Matthew’s nightshirt as though the strain in his knuckles would keep the strain out of his voice. “I-I messed up Mattie. I messed up, I-“
‘I’m messed up.’
000
“Are you sure you’re gonna be okay Al?” Matthew asked as the train slowly pulled into place. Alfred flushed, very self-conscious about the slight puffiness around his eyes left over from the night before.
“Yeah, I’m gonna be just fine, okay? So stop worrying about my romantic life and start worrying about your own! Mr. Tulips is gonna run out of money before you figure out who the heck he is at this rate!” Alfred mock-scolded, ruffling his brother’s hair. Matthew scrambled to fix the mess Alfred made, pouting as he did so.
“Sh-shut up Al!” Matthew muttered with a half-hearted glare.
For a few seconds after that, they just stood together, both reluctant to separate again. Finally, Alfred sighed and took his bag from Matthew.
“Well, it’s time for me to head out. I’ll see ya when I see ya,” Alfred said, moving forward to give Matthew a tight hug which was readily returned.
“Yeah. I love you bro,” Matthew said quietly but earnestly.
“Love ya too,” Alfred muttered before letting go and boarding the train. Once he was on board and seated, he looked out his window to find Matt and see if he was still there. Finding that yes, Matthew was in fact still there, Alfred proceeded to get his attention via a combination of knocking on the glass, gesturing wildly, and being generally obnoxious. Once his brother’s attention had been gained, he alternated between making embarrassing gestures of affection and silly faces until the train started to pull away, at which point he started waving out the window until he could see his brother no more.
The train ride became more and more torturous the longer it continued. Alfred found himself alternating between thinking deeply about the predicament he was returning to and not thinking at all. He constructed possible solutions only to dismiss them as hare-brained or impossible, and then tried to get rid of all the clutter in his mind so he could start again. So deep in thought was he that he didn’t even realize the hours passing by. He wasn’t even aware of the fact that he’d reached his destination until a kindly old woman tapped his shoulder and told him they had reached the station.
Walking through the train station, Alfred sighed when he exited and finally reached the street. It was a pretty long ways away from-well, not home, but the place he lived. He would walk anyway, just because he honestly wasn’t all that eager to return to the house. So walk he did, right through some of the nicer areas of the town, which opened up into the familiar business district that held law firms and little German cafés alike.
It was in this area, just as the sun was going down, that Alfred’s musing resulted in him bumping into someone. His first reaction was to apologize, but when he looked up at the person in order to do so, his vocal cords froze and refused to utter a word. They were not alone as at that moment his entire body decided to start a mutiny against him, not budging even though he desperately wanted to run away from the piercing violet eyes looking down at him.
This was not how Alfred had envisioned meeting Ivan again.
At first Alfred was unsure of what he should do. Should he say a polite sorry and be on his way, or should he do something else? Ivan answered that question easily enough for him though; once the (apparently equally shocked) Russian had gained his bearings, he brushed right past Alfred without so much as a peep.
There was no denying that it stung to be disregarded so easily, but more than that Alfred wanted to do something. He shouldn’t though, he knew. He should just let Ivan keep on walking and hope that he forgot all about Alfred; that he went on and had a happy fulfilling life that didn’t involve the heartache that came with dating a prostitute. However another voice in his mind begged him to chase Ivan down before it was too late and explain, apologize, do anything so that Ivan wouldn’t hate him at the very least. Would letting Ivan go now set things right? Or was it worth it to run after him and try to talk to him?
Alfred’s mind wasn’t entirely decided on the issue, but his body apparently was as before he realized it, he was charging down the sidewalk heading straight for the Russian’s back. “Ivan!” He yelled, almost surprised to hear his own voice. He saw that broad, familiar back seize up for a moment, before Ivan continued to walk, albeit at a brisker pace. Incensed by the dismissal, Alfred pushed himself to run faster and faster, until there was only a few feet of distance between them. Taking a minute to look at his surroundings-the mostly empty sidewalk, the somewhat busy street and the empty lot about ten feet or so ahead-Alfred made a final decision on what he would do. With one last push forward, Alfred tackled Ivan, making him stumble into the empty lot before they both fell onto the ground there.
“Jesus, do-don’t you know you’re supposed to… w-wait when someone calls for you?” Alfred tried to say around huge gulps of air. He lifted himself up off of Ivan’s back, helping pull the other man up out of the dirt once he was upright. Ivan gave him an extremely displeased look before moving to get up and leave. Alfred would be having none of that though, and grabbed Ivan’s arm tightly, stopping him from getting up. With an almighty sigh, Ivan gave up on trying to leave and settled for looking supremely annoyed.
“ What do you want?” Ivan asked, his voice flat and tired. It hurt Alfred to hear it, hurt to know he was the reason it sounded so worn.
“Look, I know what you saw and I’m not here to tell you it wasn’t what it looked like, ‘cause frankly it was probably a lot worse than what you imagine,” Alfred said quickly, nearly babbling. “But you should know the truth, even though you probably will really hate me after that. Just, just hear me out this once and I’ll never bother you or tackle you into another empty lot again.”
Ivan gave him a piercing glare for a moment, looking ready to utilize his greater size and just get up and leave, even if it meant dragging Alfred with him on his arm. Finally though, after a moment where Alfred couldn’t get himself to look Ivan in the face and so settled for hugging the other’s arm to him like a lifeline, Ivan replied with a sarcastic, “Is that a promise?”
Alfred heaved sigh of relief. “Yeah, it’s a promise.”
“Then I suggest you start explaining. I have no interest in sitting on the ground any longer than I have to.”
“Right, right,” Alfred said, releasing Ivan’s arm now that he knew the other wouldn’t bolt. Bringing his hands to his face, Alfred prepared himself for a very long evening.
“Okay, so I’ve told you about the whole parents leavin’ Mattie and me with my gramps and skipping out on us, right? And then getting bounced around orphanages, and protecting Mattie from bullies and all?” Alfred asked, giving Ivan a moment to give an affirmative answer.
“Right. Well, I think I’ve told you that we stayed in the system until we were too old and got kicked out. When Mattie and I went looking for somewhere to stay, we didn’t really have much of anything to support ourselves on, and Mattie had been accepted to a college he’d only applied to in order to see if he could make it at all. We were desperate, you know? So when we looked through housing ads and saw how cheap Arthur’s place was we went for it. He… he seemed like a real God-send at the time. Arthur sat down with us and let us explain our situation to him. He gave us a room on his own floor at a reduced price and even offered to pay for Mattie to go to college-“
“-That is seeming too good to be true,” Ivan cut in, looking suspicious already.
“That’s because it was,” Alfred responded. “I’m getting there as fast as I can so just calm down, okay? Now as I was saying, he was basically offering to give us everything we needed, and the only catch was that I had to work for him. He said I’d being doing physical labor around the boarding house. I know I should’ve been suspicious, but at the time I was desperate to get Mattie to college because he’d worked for it and deserved it, a-and Arthur was nice, and sympathetic, and a whole mess of things I wasn’t used to.
“So for a few months the two of us lived with Arthur on the second floor doing just what Arthur had said we’d do-manual labor around the house. He was really, really nice to us, me especially. I’ll admit I had something of a crush on him at the time. I-I know it’s stupid but I wasn’t used to being treated kindly and being told I was good and smart and useful-I was nothing but a troublemaker to the people at the orphanages, I sort of forgot that people could be nice. I-It was really nice for those first few months, living with Arthur. But then, then Mattie left for college and things, things changed.”
At this point, Alfred had to take a deep stabilizing breath. He looked over to Ivan and saw he had the Russian’s full attention, which was good he supposed, because for now it was what he wanted. Still, he was so self-conscious about the fact that he was going to tell Ivan the truth, the truth he hadn’t even told Matthew, and in the middle of a random empty lot no less.
“Mattie left, and for a few months I continued to work for Arthur like I did before. But, well, it wasn’t exactly lucrative and I knew it. But Arthur kept saying it was fine, it was fine, he enjoyed having me around and I was good and useful so it was okay. Still, I was uncomfortable with it so I started looking for jobs in the area. He walked in one day when I was doing that and said if it really bothered me so much, he had something I could do that paid much better.”
In, out, Alfred took a few more deep breaths, not wanting to tell any of this to Ivan but knowing that since he’d started, there was no backing down. “Stupidly, I agreed before asking what the job was. Then he, he took me to his room and-“
“-And forced himself on you,” Ivan said, his voice low and his expression grim. Alfred shook his head vigorously.
“No, not that time he didn’t,” Alfred corrected. “I-I liked him, adored him, and I didn’t mind because I thought it would m-m-make him h-happy. It was just him, j-just teaching me things and telling me I was good, a-and a fast learner and that he-“ ‘That he loved me and wouldn’t leave me even if I was dirty or bad.’
“It wasn’t until a month later, when he moved me to a room on the, on the third floor and he made me start seeing other clients that I really realized what I’d been r-roped into. By then I was already heavy in debt and felt like I had to keep doing what Arthur wanted me to if I was gonna keep Mattie in school. So, here I am, two years later, still in the business.
“Hah, and now, irony of all ironies, he-he wants me to move back to his floor. To play pet, I guess? I haven’t, be-because I don’t want to be locked in forever but…” ‘But what’s left out here for me anyway?’
His unspoken words rung through the silence that descended upon him, loud as church bells. Alfred gave himself a mental pat on the back for keeping it together as well as he had. He wondered if breaking down and crying would’ve softened Ivan up more, but rejected the idea almost as soon as it came to him. He didn’t want Ivan’s pity, he just wanted Ivan to know the truth. He deserved that much, even if it was horrible and he didn’t want to hear it.
“So…” Ivan said once the silence became just a bit too much for him, “You are a prostitute.”
“Yes.”
“You were coerced into it.”
“Yes.”
“I can assume then that the person I saw you with was one of your johns?”
“Yes.”
Ivan gave a large sigh, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. “One question, Alfred.”
“Shoot.”
“Why, since you knew your situation, did you ever agree to go anywhere with me?” Ivan asked, and behind his tired voice and carefully blank expression Alfred could see the confusion of a child left alone in a storm, not understanding why he’s been put in the position he’s in.
Alfred hugged his knees to himself, guilt crawling under his skin and making him feel lower than the dirt he was sitting on. “I-I’m sorry. I knew it was wrong and you didn’t deserve it, bu-but I just want to… I just wanted to know you.” Alfred put his head down on his knees, too afraid to look at Ivan now. “I was selfish, I should’ve just said no when you-but you l-looked so hopeful and I wanted to s-see you happy so I said yes because it always, always m-made my day to see you looking happy. A-and I kept seeing you be-because I really, really like you and being with you is like, it’s like being free. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Silence, punctuated by muffled sobs and sharp intakes of breath, reigned once again as the words sunk into Ivan’s mind and heart. He wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about the whole situation, but Alfred’s half-sobbed, stuttered words made him feel warmer than he had in what seemed like an eternity. It was as though a warm breeze had replaced the blizzard in him, melting the snow and promising an abundant spring. Ivan took a moment to revel in the warmth, thankful for its return.
His attention was brought back to the external world when Alfred stood up, his hands and shoulders shaking ever so slightly as he muttered, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have wasted your time. I won’t bother you anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
It was Ivan’s turn to grab Alfred’s arm and haul him to the ground. Alfred yelped, overbalanced, and fell backward, getting the wind knocked out of him when he landed. He looked up at Ivan with something like fear in his eyes, though why that was Ivan couldn’t exactly say. Leaning over the other, so as to look him in the eyes, Ivan tried his hardest not to look particularly intimidating as he asked, “You do not like being there, да?”
For a minute, Alfred looks completely bewildered by the question, as though he’d suddenly forgotten all his English. Then, with a slight tone of indignity in his voice he replied, “Of course I don’t like it! I hate that house, and the sex, and what I’ve been turned into!”
“Then why not leave?”
Immediately Alfred’s head filled with reasons why he couldn’t: Matthew’s tuition, his debt, the fact that he was a dirty whore with nowhere else to go and who would want him around anyway? He was useless and stupid and scarred-“If I leave, he’ll stop paying Matt’s tuition. Mattie’s in his junior year, I can’t just skip out on him now.”
Ivan stared Alfred straight in the eyes for a good long minute, seeming to see the unsaid thoughts swimming about in his mind. “You would leave though, if you could?” Ivan asked.
Alfred had started to nod to the question when his insecurities started clawing at his mind. ‘You’re disgusting,’ a voice rang in his ears. ‘You’re scarred and ugly, you’re dumb, easily tricked; you’re a whore, not even a person, just something others use. If you leave, you’ll be alone. No one would stick by such a repulsive person, and the only person who would is the one who made you what you are. You need Arthur because you have nowhere else to go, no one else to go to.’
“Alfred!” Ivan called, his worry building as he watched Alfred’s eyes become wide and unseeing, as trembling overtook him and that odd look of fear entered his eyes again. “Alfred!”
The second call cut through the darkness of his thoughts and Alfred took a shuttering breath as he came back to himself. “I-I-“
“Whatever you are thinking of,” Ivan interrupted, not wanting to hear another apology, “it was not what I asked. Do not question whether you should, or even if you could. Just think of what you want. Do you want to leave?”
Alfred thought of Toris and Feliks at the café, how much nicer it would be if he didn’t have to lie to them when they questioned him about his fatigue and how nice it would be to not be fatigued at all. How much easier would it be to talk openly with his brother, not having to hide anything? How much more could he have enjoyed every date with Ivan if he hadn’t been apologizing silently through them all? How much stress would he lose if he didn’t have to worry about diseases and infected wounds and the possibility that the next man to walk through his door would be the one to lose it and kill him? Alfred thought of freedom and having dignity and feeling human again. Easily as that, he knew his answer.
“…Ye-yes. I hate this. I want to get out.”
“Then we will find a way to get you out,” Ivan said, sounding completely sure of himself. He stopped leaning over Alfred, straightening up so that the blond would have room to sit up. Quickly Alfred moved to get off the cold ground, only to freeze up midway.
“Wait. We will? We will?” Alfred asked, disbelieving and wondering if maybe he was losing his hearing.
“We will.”
“But how? I can’t exactly just tell Arthur to take my huge debt and shove it,” Alfred said, trying to mentally calculate just how far his debt had escalated. The numbers he was coming up with weren’t promising.
“Then I will pay them,” Ivan said, seeming entirely unperturbed by the prospect.
“No!” Alfred nearly shouted, going so far as to jerk away from Ivan at the very suggestion. Ivan’s expression became clouded with confusion and a bit of hurt at the strong rejection. Alfred only noticed peripherally, too busy was he trying to regain his fragile composure.
“No,” he repeated again, this time quietly. “I won’t be indebted to anyone else. If you really want to help me, do it anyway you want, but you can’t put even a cent toward paying off my debt.”
“Alfred that is ridiculous-you will be stuck there forever if you do not have help financially. Trust me to help you with this, please.”
For a moment Alfred was struck motionless by the memory those words invoked. He had said it before and meant it, he did trust Ivan. But could he trust anyone not to take advantage of him when he was so low?
“Last time I trusted someone with a debt this big, he made me a prostitute,” Alfred said after a long silence.
“Alfred.” Ivan shifted until he was in directly in front of Alfred, looking straight into his eyes. “Alfred, I am not him. Please trust me.”
“I…” Alfred couldn’t look away from those imploring violet eyes that begged for trust. He couldn’t get over that Ivan was here and with him and knew about him but was offering help rather than leaving him alone. Slowly, Alfred moved forward, reaching out to wrap his arms around Ivan’s neck.
“I… I do. I do trust you.”
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