UNSPOKEN OF {11}
TITLE: Unspoken Of
RATING: NC-17
PAIRING: NEWS: Nishikato (main), Plenty Others to Come.
DISCLAIMNER: They own themselves, I just watch. ;]
.//eleven
Jin and Yamapi had slept over, and the next day they went to the Jimusho together.
They parted ways as Jin waved goodbye and turned a corner. They were walking down the corridor, noise erupting everywhere with bodies flying all over the place, but Ryo didn’t see or hear any of that. To him, it was deathly quiet and still, to the point he could hear the beat of his own heart. Two hands rested on his shoulders as he jumped slightly, Yamapi smiled, “Ganbatte ne?”
The door to the NEWS room swung open with Yamapi striding in first, followed by a downcast Ryo. Yamapi greeted all in the room, and Ryo simply nodded in acknowledgement. He sat on the edge of the couch, occupying himself with an iPod and a magazine.
Minutes and hours passed as they did what they usually do. Magazine shoots, dance rehearsal, singing, the works. Ryo talked, but only when spoken to and took special care in noting who was in a room before he entered. The day passed by fairly quickly, it was far easier than Ryo had anticipated.
Okay, maybe he had spoken too soon.
He looked back, waving goodbye as he jogged out of the dance hall. He wasn’t looking where he was going so he collided with someone at the doorway. In fact, the vigorous workout had left Ryo so uncoordinated that he stumbled a bit and actually fell on top of the person he had run into. Ryo didn’t even have to look to know who it was; he knew what his luck was like.
“Um, Nishikido-kun, do you mind moving?” Shige said quietly, feeling more than a little uncomfortable right now. Ryo nodded, rolling off immediately as he stood up and nodded his head, turning to leave. Then he heard a loud crash. Ryo looked back, seeing now that Shige was stuck under various large pieces of wood they sometimes used as scenery in stage plays. The question was, should he help or should he get someone else to.
Ryo decided on the first option. He walked over quickly carefully and removed the boards as he made sure to keep a safe distance from Shige. Having moved everything away, Ryo reached out an uncertain hand. Shige paused a minute, looking at the hand before finally deciding to take it. “Thanks,” he mumbled roughly.
Nishikido Ryo was walking behind Shige, a calculated distance between them. No, he was not being a stalker; he just didn’t want Shige to crash down and hurt himself more… seeing as he was already limping. The younger boy winced, dragging his foot along with him as he walked towards the NEWS room. God, why was it so far away. “OW,” Shige yelped, turning and unsuccessfully dragging his foot around the corner.
Ryo rushed forward, hands reaching out, “Do you want me to help?” Shige looked at him, realizing that the distance was much further than his foot could take. He gave a mental sigh, letting silence be his answer as he limped a bit closer to Ryo. The shorter boy took little steps, hands firmly gripping Shige’s arms as he lent his chest for support.
“You know, it’d be much easier if you just swung your arm around my waist.” Ryo blinked, having tried to keep his distance by moving awkwardly along Shige. He let out a little noise, throat drying up as he followed Shige’s directions, feeling the boy’s arm rest on his shoulder. They had made it pretty far like that, and could see the light from the NEWS room. Shige shrugged Ryo off, “Thanks, but wait here a while before you go in; I don’t want Koyama randomly accusing you.” Ryo nodded, watching Shige limp into the room.
A chorus of concern sounded when Shige disappeared into the light. Ryo looked at his watch, five minutes having passed, and he himself walking through the door. There was the usually chatter of the dressing room, but the tension could also be felt. He sat on the couch next to Pi, knowing too well that an uncomfortable silence was slowly settling into the room. He sighed, he wanted to go home and sleep.
\\
The process of healing is an ironic one. It’s ironic in the sense that sometimes it hurts more than anything else.
For Shige, it was an agonizing process. Well, ‘was’ would not be the correct term, instead it should be ‘is’. Shige is still pretty confused, but time had let those seething emotions dwindle to a point where his heart had a chance. He had now realized the reason he could not hate Ryo, but did that actually mean anything? Even if somewhere in the depths of his heart there was a soft spot for the boy, could he ever forgive the sin the other committed? It was painstaking thinking through all this, but time had let it get to a place where it wasn’t solely pain. Shige was grateful for that much, for the ability to feel joy again. It felt good.
For Ryo, it’s safe to say the process of healing was equally grueling. The guilt was still there, in fact maybe it had strengthened when he saw the toll his actions took on Shige. It was his mistake, but he was not the only one suffering. Ryo still loved Shige in every way, shape, and form that he had before with the exception that the feeling was now expressed silently and stealthily. He no longer had it in him to reply starkly to every stupid thing his bandmates said. But it was getting better, and Ryo was becoming more himself again. Maybe Yamapi was right for once, and time really can heal a broken heart.
The relationship between them, whatever the hell it might be, was getting better. The feeling of ‘like’ was not exactly mutual, but neither were there traces of hate. When they caught each other’s eye, which was a rarity, it seemed that all else would cease to be. Temporarily words, actions, thoughts, and all else would disperse and they would just stare at each other. Their minds would be blank, startled and completely unready for the simple yet harsh exchange. Then everything would come back in a rush, remembering, one would break the awkward gaze and realize he had been holding his breath.
Ryo loved wordlessly and gently from a distance, and Shige, being ever observant and brilliant saw that. Shige let it be. Ryo cared for him in the shadows, doing this and that-here and there, but Shige didn’t see it as ‘love’ per se. He saw it more as a remorseful approach to repenting for a sin. Shige was not entirely heartless to think that Ryo did it entirely for his own benefit, to ease that crushing guilt of his, but he did not think more of it either. To him it was a simple gesture, a general caring that had resulted from mistakes made and the desire to fix things. He did not see it as love, or rather, refused to see it as love.
\\
It had gotten to the point where being alone with each other was tolerable to a degree.
“Otsukaresama!” Yamapi shouted as he ducked out from behind the changing curtain and ran to catch the train to his drama site.
Shige stared after the boy, in awe at how he could be so unchanged even when he knew the truth. Koyama was obviously somewhat in the same situation as Yamapi, but the younger was much better at hiding it. Shige wished he could learn from him.
Shige bowed his head and repeated ‘Otsukare’ in various forms to kouhai, senpai, and staff alike. He walked into the NEWS room and noted no one was there before sinking down in a couch and resting his eyes. Then the door creaked open and he was staring up at Nishikido Ryo. Shige nodded, no longer feeling the need to run at the sight of Ryo and went back to sleeping. They were silent and considerate of each other in that manner. Then the room filled and the chatter picked up from Tegoshi’s happy mouth. It seemed like NEWS was ‘back’ in a sense. Maybe on the surface of things, but the deeper issues still needed some dealing with.
Shige sat up, sneezing as Koyama shot him an accusing look. “You stayed up all night studying didn’t you? And you-“ Koyama was interrupted by another sneeze, “left the window open.” The younger boy currently being scrutinized simply nodded and proved Koyama right with another sneeze as he reached out for a tissue. He said thanks when the box was thrust close to him and glanced momentarily at Ryo before the otder boy looked the other way and dropped the box lightly on his lap. Shige took a few tissues and attended to his simple cold. The rest of the day, Koyama was hounding him about his health in a very Koyama-like way that Shige couldn’t really get annoyed about. He simply nodded, half-listening and agreeing to things he wasn’t really sure he had even heard.
Yamapi had magically reappeared at their photoshoot, his cheery bright self, and Shige couldn’t help but watch the boy. He realized, even if it was all an act, Yamapi was doing it for his sake… their sake. He had respected the boy before, but now a faint sense of gratitude mingled with the reverence he had towards the boy. Yamapi was strong, and Shige felt that maybe he could be too.
Ryo was trudging out the door when it began to rain, he made a u-turn and ran into the Kanjani8 room. It was full of the excitement that could always make Ryo smile and feel a bit more at ease. He nodded to acknowledge his bandmates, a faint smirk creeping onto his face before he bent down and stole someone’s umbrella. He ran out of the room and out the door of the jimusho, opening the thing and shielding himself from the rain.
Walking alongside him was Shige. It was purely coincidental and nothing could be done but to bear with it, turning away would make things even worse. Ryo noticed Shige didn’t have an umbrella and recalled that the boy had a slight cold. “You want my umbrella?” Shige didn’t even look at him and shook his head, trembling arms hugging himself for warmth. “Shige,” Ryo said gently, “you should take it. You have a cold.” The younger boy continued to refuse and worry was pulling harder at Ryo until he forced himself to walk closer and move the umbrella over both of their heads.
The younger boy, now semi-soaked, looked up and the Tegomass song ‘Ai Ai Gasa’ fleetingly flew through his mind before he forced the ridiculous notion from his mind. He rubbed his hands together, blowing warm breath onto them as the urge to move closer towards Ryo’s warmth became very enticing. But Shige fought against that, sticking his hands into his pockets and realizing wet fabric would do no good. The clothes were sticking to his skin, and he found it hard to believe that he had chosen to wear such a light jacket.
They walk, not exactly side by side but also not awkward miles apart. No attempt at conversation is made, and acknowledgement is kept to a minimum. That much is understood. Then Ryo stops, and glances at Shige before the younger boy feels warmth on his very much frozen hands. Somehow, during that process, Ryo managed to warm Shige up and transfer the umbrella to the younger boy. Ryo withdraws his hands and dashes off in the direction of his house before Shige can protest.
The younger boy eyes the umbrella in his outstretched hand strangely as his eyes flicker to Ryo’s running figure. Sighing, Shige’s rational mind tells him to use the damn thing and return it first then next morning. He sprints up the steps of his apartment complex and kicks off his shoes once he’s inside his house.
Pity, he forgot entirely about the umbrella as he rushes out the apartment the next morning with a piece of toast in his mouth.
\\
Shige walks into the jimusho and for the first time in a long time he wants to laugh.
Yamapi stares at his cellphone, from which Shige can hear faint coughing. “Ryo-chan caught a cold,” Pi states. And Shige wants to laugh because he thinks it’s just a tad bit ironic. Shige doesn’t though, because it’d be too weird and too rude, because he is slightly worried. However, halfway through the day when Pi’s ‘Ryo-chan caught a cold’ turned into ‘Ryo-chan has a fever’ Shige no longer wanted to laugh. He was concerned, and a bit of guilt tugged at him. “Should we all go visit Ryo-chan and make him feel better?” It’s a question posed at everyone but Yamapi’s eyes are only on him, Shige knows. He passes and nobody says anything or tries to persuade him otherwise.
When Koyama turns down the invitation though, he gets a stern (well kinda) lecture from Pi about the ‘member ai’ stuff Kei was always sprouting. The oldest agrees, sighing reluctantly as he is pulled out of the room and throws one last worried look at Shige. Then the door shuts, and Shige is left thinking about that umbrella resting against his door.
Its needless to say Shige is worried, and Koyama’s not calling him and informing him the severity of the situation is furthermore unbearable.
Koyama doesn’t know what he is going to say to Nishikido Ryo, if he is even going to say anything at all.
He simply follows silently, trudging a very loud and happy head of the line known as Tegoshi and Yamapi. He enters Ryo’s room and sees the boy’s eyes widen in shock and a faint trace of panic. He stays by the door and watches as the other three press forward, wincing slightly as Tegoshi jumps onto Ryo’s bed and results in the kansai boy giving a curt cry.
Koyama realizes he is being very un-koyama-like but he doesn’t really see a way around this and is contemplating leaving when Pi maneuvers the rest out of the room and ‘leaves Ryo in his hands’. Koyama doesn’t know what to say when the door closes, and he knows he had the same exact thought just moments ago. Ryo watches him from the bed, face flushed as he reaches for yet another tissue.
“Why didn’t you bring an umbrella?” it’s an attempt at being Koyama-like but he doesn’t know if he pulled it off.
Ryo blows his nose, “I did but-“ and he stops there, because saying more would make it seem like everything was calculated, and Ryo didn’t like that. “I forgot.” Koyama nods, while vaguely remembering Yasu complaining that Ryo stole his umbrella. He doesn’t say anything further about that because he knows Ryo and Shige’s house are in the same direction. He knows that Shige didn’t have an umbrella and yet Ryo’s the one with the fever. He can figure as much.
“Koyama,” Ryo says softly, “I really am sorry. For everything I’ve done; I know that you probably can’t find it in you to forgive me, but I don’t want forgiveness if it’s to be forced. I’d settle for not being hated. That would be enough.” As the kansai boy coughs yet again, Koyama thinks about how to respond to this. It seems like it’s the first time Ryo’s said something like this, but he knows it’s not. Not just with words, but with apologetic gestures, Ryo had been asking for Koyama not to hate him. It’s just, only now is Koyama willing to listen.
The older boy takes a few moments before speaking, he thinks about what he wants to say very carefully. “I can do as much Ryo. I can not hate you, in fact I don’t think I ever did. I was just angry and shocked, the whole thing took me by surprise and my anger was the only thing I could see. I won’t hate you Ryo, but I can’t say how long it’ll be until I forgive you.” Ryo’s watching him, and it’s evident that he’s trying his best to suppress a cough. “Forgiveness will come, I can promise as much. And Ryo, nobody hates you.” He sees the question in the younger’s eyes and sighs. “Not even Shige.”
Then Koyama gets up and leaves the room, returning shortly with some sort of liquid mixture in a glass. Ryo eyes the concoction with a raised eyebrow but drinks it nevertheless, with ample protest and insults of course. Then the horrible taste is rushed away with the warm water that Koyama hands him and Ryo tops it all off by digging in his drawers and popping a piece of chocolate in his mouth. Koyama laughs, laughs at how childish Ryo’s actions are despite his tough exterior.
And Koyama realizes just how much he’s missed the boy.
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FIC INDEX
goddammit. someone link me to some good angst.
T-T
comments plz