A lot of thoughts about fandom and slash...
(Prepare for word vomit. A lot of word vomit. A lot of freaking word vomit. You have been warned.)
I'm 18 now, and I've been thinking about this for a while. I try to talk to my sister and some friends about it, but I have so much to say about it, they're honestly sick of my opinions! So I'm just going to dump some of my musings here about fandom, squicks and kinks, ships and pairings... Hopefully I can get it all of out my system!
I'm excited too.
I was 12 when I started getting involved in fandom the way we know it today. My first pairing that I actively shipped was Harry/Draco, from Harry Potter. I remember reading so much Drarry on fanfiction.net...before then, I had never been homophobic per se. But as a child (and preteen years too) I had, unfortunately, engaged in some low levels of bullying when it came to calling someone 'gay'. There was a boy in my class when I was in my last year of primary school who was more effeminate than the other boys, and he enjoyed hanging out with girls and making charm bracelets. He was a vey nice kid and I've seen him again recently and he's still as effeminiate as ever. The thing is, everyone would call him gay...as a 12 year old, I don't think he identified with that at all, and to be honest, I didn't even understand what it meant for a while.
It didn't make sense to me - if he's gay why does he like hanging out with girls more? I remember thinking that.. if he was gay he'd try to hang out with boys and stuff, the way that I always hung on to every word a boy I liked said, and would think about for hours over how so and so had 'brushed past me' or 'touched my hair'. Stupid, childish things, but hey..we were making discoveries about ourselves and having 'crushes' was nothing new.
So I was never actively homophobic, but I didn't particularly like thinking about boys kissing each other or girls kissing each other. Then again, I didn't particularly like thinking about girls and boys kissing each other either and very much preferred not thinking about the boys I liked in that way.
When I found fandom and slash pairings, that all changed. I suddenly delved inside the world of homosexual subtext and slash and wow my universe turned upside down. I can't even really remember how it all came about, I've been involved in it for so long! I honestly cannot remember how it felt to not actively ship two characters/people - I can't remember what it felt like to not be a fangirl.
My involvement with fandom came at the same time as puberty and maybe that has something to do with it. I didn't feel like a sexual being as such until, perhaps, I turned 17 (and even now...I'm not very experienced at all. At. All.) but I was fervently shipping two males together and thinking about them having sex and kissing and loving each other.
That's not to say that I didn't ship any het couples. I remember reading quite a bit of Hermione/Fred and I also engaged with Hermione/Draco too. I think I discovered fanvids before fanfiction, so I watched a lot (and still do) of that too. Mostly, though, I'd just ship Harry/Draco/Cedric/Ron in a big sexy orgy and all would be well.
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Fandoms are huge, and I've probably had an opinion about certain ships in more fandoms than I can remember now, but I'm going to make a list of all the ships, in order, I actively and passionately have shipped - meaning I watched fanvids, read fanfiction, thought about a lot etc.
I have shipped all these pairings with an intensity which would scare most sane people, but the bolded pairings are those which I consider to be my "OTPs Forever". If you go to my tumblr and look through the archives, at certain times in the history of my tumblr, you will notice intense concentrations of reblogs of the above bolded ships. Currently, my tumblr is mainly filled with Jesse/Andrew stuff.
As can be noticed, it's mainly slash.
Who would have thought?
I'm heterosexual. I like men. I find most men aesthetically pleasing and if that makes me superficial, then so be it. I'm heterosexual, but for the most part, I absolutely despise reading het. The reason for that, I think, is that I like men and I want to read and think about men loving each other. That's coming from a purely sexual angle.
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Now I'm going to talk about the kinks I enjoy reading, and the squicks I don't enjoy reading.
Fanfiction has become a huge part of my life. I'm 18, and I've graduated from highschool now. Fanfiction and fandom has been a part of my entire high school life. I've read a lot of fanfiction, lots of different kinks, and lots of different types. Mostly I enjoy the fic I read, but sometimes I will finish a fic and wish I hadn't read it, though that's not common. I tend to always finish a fic if I start to read it, though I will not start it at all if I think I'm not going to like it. So, a list of 'squicks' I generally dislike and why:
Oh gosh. Okay, now onto the kinks! I won't write them all, because I have a lot, and some are unnecessarily specific (for certain pairings) and some aren't really 'kinks'. But here goes...
FLUFF? ALWAYS! FLUFF INCLUDES, FOR ME:
Guess which couple's lovechild this is. This image is also my phone's lock screen.
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Now onto musings about my involvement in fandom and shipping. I love it, mostly. Of course, to be involved with 'fandom' you don't necessarily have to read fanfiction and what not, merely love a tv show, or movie, or book, or whatever your fandom is. My involvement with fandom though has been heavily influenced by fanfiction and so that's what I've centered my 'discussion' about. Fanfiction makes it dangerously easy to get emotionally invested in a pairing, and yeah, I can say that I am emotionally invested in a lot of ships, or have been.
Me 99.99%..who am I kidding? Me 100% of the time.
Places like tumblr and livejournal make it easy to 'fangirl' and be involved with your fandom with people who enjoy it like you. It also makes it easy to get ridiculously obsessed and dependent on your ship. Not only that, but for sure you'll meet people who don't have the same OTP as you, who may even bash your ship, which is poor fandom-etiquette, I personally think. One thing that's great though is how basically everyone is pro-gay rights. Perhaps in every fandom (though that could be an outlandish statement, I'm not sure) there will be slash, somewhere. Heck, I know there's Justin Bieber slash fanfiction so slash is always out there, I could say.
I know that me loving slash is why I'm so against homophobia, and all cases of discrimination against someone for their sexuality or gender 'choice' - though I know, it's not really a choice at all.
However, whilst I love fandom, and love fanfiction, I know there are cons. Or consequences.
Last year when I was desperately lonely I was living and breathing Merlin/Arthur so much that I would write in my diary (I'm not kidding) that I wanted to be a man, so I could be homosexual. (I was also crushing hard on Zachary/Chris fic, but probably not as much.) I remember feeling that no one would love me or my body because it wasn't a man's body. I ACTUALLY REMEMBER FEELING THIS. It was getting so bad, and I was constantly reading fic everywhere that I went cold-turkey and stopped. I just stopped. I stopped going on tumblr and livejournal and I left.
Their love. Can''t you see it?
I didn't leave for long though. In the summer of 2010-2011 (I'm in the southern hemisphere) I did a (private) marathon of Doctor Who and fell in love with it again, and started shipping Ten and Rose like it was nobody's business. I went overseas that summer and watched Sherlock (BBC) with my sister and did the same for Sherlock and John. It was pretty tame though, compared to how I used to ship Merlin and Arthur...which is saying something.
So when we came back from overseas, I started my final year of high school. I was pretty 'good' until... in July, I watched X-Men: First Class. I adored James McAvoy as Charles Xavier straight away, but didn't start shipping them until I stumbled across a tumblr that had some Charles/Erik graphics. I wasn't back on tumblr at that point per se. Going through my archives indicates I was barely on from February to July. Somehow I ended up back on tumblr...And then BAM. I was obsessed, I was emotionally involved with Charles/Erik. They were my everything. I read so much fic, it was worse than Arthur/Merlin.
It was my motherlicking OTP.
At school (and this is in my final year of high school too, when I'm preparing for university exams!), in class, feverishly reading fic and feelings things I really shouldn't be feeling in a school environment! I was pretty hugely into Alex/Hank as well and I shipped these two pairings like a mother-bitch. I went all out. Their names are everywhere, all over my school work. Damn, it was ridiculous.
I had so much fun with these two.
I remember feeling that if I didn't read fic and invest myself in my pairings actively every waking second of my life, the fandom would die and didn't want that at all. I know that sounds stupid, but fandoms 'dying' really upsets me. Fandoms don't really die, I guess. As long as fic exists, and people adore their ships, it's never really going to end. There are times, though, when fandoms 'slow'...people stop writing as much fic and all that. When the First Class movie came out my tumblr exploded with my two ships and I was loving it. McFassy Tuesdays and heterosexuality was never an option and Erik as a shark and Charles as a mouse/rodent and I love everyone in this bar and groovy...oh god, it was ridiculous. My dashboard was full of it. I was surrounded by it. And then it slowed down. I think the communities are still going strong, though I haven't looked in a while cause suddenly I was shipping..
Yeah. I have too many feelings for you two. What have you done to me?
Jesse/Andrew. I watched The Social Network on the plane going to the overseas place, but I was half asleep and jetlag and didn't really engage with it. I'd secretly enjoyed Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg's faces though and they'd pop up on my tumblr here and there throughout the year. I don't recall why exactly I suddenly going into this ship. During the awards season for their movie there was that moment Jesse lifted Andrew from his seat, and that moment Andrew stumbled (quite gracefully and adorably) over the word 'inspiringly' and tumblr was loving it. It wasn't because of that though, I didn't start actively shipping them (or Mark/Eduardo) until maybe mid-September or something. I can say that maybe I'm ashamed of how quickly I switched from Charles/Erik to Jesse/Andrew because now I'm all out for these two lovely boys, and I know I felt the same for Charles and Erik.
They were my motherlicking OTP FOREVER DUDE but suddenly that turned into Andrew and Jesse. Okay, so Charles and Erik together are still an OTP, yes. However, I switched from feverishly reading their fic to reading Jesse/Andrew fic. I thought I was obsessed with Charles and Erik...no...I thought I was obsessed with Merlin and Arthur...(I really was. I know I was.)...but no. Apparently, I've never felt this way about a ship before. So now I'm going to devote an entire section to these two, because this ship is what has seemingly taken over my life.
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JESSE EISENBERG AND ANDREW GARFIELD
NOW. THIS SHIP. THIS SHIP. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. The beginning? Okay, yeah, that is a good place.
So why did I suddenly start shipping these two? I think one day they appeared on my dashboard; it was probably one of these pictures...
My tumblr icon. And phone background.
And I realised that they're both ridiculously gorgeous. Not that I already didn't know this, but for some reason, I was compelled to find out more about their ~relationship~ because they looked pretty darn adorable together. They make it easy to ship them. "The ship that sails itself" I've heard some say about them. You only have to watch the interviews and not even the interviews to understand that they have something pretty special. I do ship them ~romantically~ but really, it doesn't even matter. Andrew has said enough times that he 'fell in love' with Jesse and has a 'genuine love' for him. Really, their relationship (romantic or otherwise) is absolutely beautiful and I really can only hope to find someone I get along with as well as these two do together! Jesse is so intelligent and inspiring (have you listened to him speak?) and Andrew, too, is well spoken and funny and has a warm personality, from what he shows us.
The fic though. I have never shipped a [RPF] this much before. Ever. Ever ever ever. Maybe this is why it's so dangerous. These two are real people with real lives and real heterosexual relationships. I'm well aware of that! I always try to separate my fictionalised version of Andrew and Jesse - the ones that are in a happy, loving, sexual relationship, probably married, domestic as ever- and the real ones. It's not really justifiable for me to get a bit iffy about the idea of Andrew and Emma Stone dating. I don't know if they are, I don't care if they are. Jesse has a girlfriend he's been with for years. Great. I know. I know. That doesn't stop me from shipping them, though. I've read enough fic to create them a life right inside my head.
Through stories of every kind - fantasy novels, crime novels, romance, drama, fanfiction - we live the character's lives. If it's well written (and so much fanfiction is, it really is...) it's so easy to get lost in that world. If the fic is long, if it builds the characters up, if you experience their troubles and worries, their happiness, their love for each other...you get lost in it. By being selective about what you read, you create images of your characters - or real people.
I started off by reading Jesse/Andrew but I also read Mark/Eduardo. Of course, when I read them, I'm generally imagining Jesse's version of Mark Zuckerberg, and Andrew's version of Eduardo Saverin. Not the real ones! Though I have read some meta fics which meant I was reading about the real Mark and Eduardo..but I don't do that often.
There's a lot of angst in that ship (duh - have you even seen the movie?) but I've read a lot of poignant stuff. I've been reduced to snotty, bloody tears and that doesn't happen often. (Okay fine, it does.)
Often I have to remind myself that I'm in love with my fiction versions of Jesse and Andrew (and Mark and Eduardo). I respect and admire the actors, the people themselves, but my heart is, when I'm being honest, with my fiction versions. They're the ones who I've read about, engaged with shamelessly. I've read about Andrew and Jesse falling in love, discovering each other, helping each other and sharing with each other. I've read about their first kisses, their first times, the first time they say 'I love you' to each other. The problems they've had to get through...their joys. Weddings. Children. All of that. In fic. In fic you experience these character's most intimate, private moments. So okay, I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. Yes I read a lot of smut, a lot of sex. But as I've mentioned before, I really only enjoy it if it contains feelings. Sex between Andrew and Jesse is special because they love each other, and I love that they love each other. I find them attractive. I'm a sexual being (well, in my head I am) and so it pleases me.
See the following image and music: how I perceive Andrew and Jesse's love (in my headspace)
The same goes for Mark/Eduardo, though the [RPF] is what I'm mainly involved with.
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It's not healthy though. I know that my obsession and craving for these two is not healthy. I'm currently in my final exams period. I have 6 (out of 15) left as I write this currently. Next year I'll be in university. If I'm being realistic, I know this won't last. I thought Charles/Erik was going to last forever, but it really hasn't. I think Jesse/Andrew will stay with me a bit longer, but I know it's not going to last forever.
I've been distanced from nearly all of my friends for the past 2 months due to exams. The one friend (my best friend) who I see less sporadically is also quite into Jesse/Andrew so whenever I go to her house, we basically fangirl over them. Well, I fangirl, and she sits and nods and lets me release all my pent up feelings.
When exams are finally over, and my summer holidays start, and I start seeing real people again..when I go to university and meet people, the opposite sex (I've been going to an all-girls school for the past 4 years) I'm sure it'll be different. My dependence on this ship (and all ships) will ease, I'm sure. I know.
I'm 18 now, and I've been a fangirl..I've been involved with fandom and slash from since I was 12 years old and it's really all I can remember. I can't remember what it felt like to not be involved, honestly. Even on my 'breaks' I'd think about my ships. I know you're never too old to be a fangirl. I know plenty of married women who fangirl regularly over their slash pairings...
I have a feeling, however, that my inane need for Jesse and Andrew is due to me being at home most of the time. My current reality - exams, no friends, a small house and lots of pent up energy - is honestly not as enticing as the universe my ship live in. When I read fic, good fic, I get lost in that world for a few hours. All my worries and stress just disappears. I'm there with Jesse when he goes to the beach house and shares a bed with Andrew for the first time. I'm there with Andrew when he realizes he's in love with Jesse but doesn't know how to tell him. I'm there with Eduardo when he accidentally goes back in time to before Mark betrayed him and realizes he has the opportunity to change what happens in the future. I'm there with Mark when he is setting up the dinner table for Eduardo, when he proposes to Eduardo. And isn't that reality better than the reality I'm currently living? Maybe. Maybe not.
Sometimes they're both as real as each other. I can say that, if I could, I would rush into that reality and leave mine behind without thinking twice. To a place where Andrew and Jesse are happily together, and everyone knows and it doesn't matter that they're both men.
I'm going to stop now. Writing all this has been very good for me. I don't need perspective, because I already have that. Fandom, slash, fic...it's shaped me and it is a part of me. I know, though, when I'm being very honest with myself, that it's not a reality. It's a fantasy, a fantasy as much as the Robin Hobb novels I love to read. It's a world that exists in its own right - in the stories I read and in my head. And sometimes, the world in our head is more real than the 'reality' we actually live in.
It's been very good that I've written all this. I'm going to post this now. And I think I'm not going to go and read fic. It's curious...that I'm not going to do so.
Thank-you for reading all this, if you have. Wow! I've written a lot of word vomit and you've sat through all my musings. Then again, maybe no one has. It doesn't matter though, because I needed to get this all out of my system. Thanks, livejournal. I leave you with two of my favourite gifs.
I adore you, John Barrowman.
You too, Zachary Quinto.
I'm 18 now, and I've been thinking about this for a while. I try to talk to my sister and some friends about it, but I have so much to say about it, they're honestly sick of my opinions! So I'm just going to dump some of my musings here about fandom, squicks and kinks, ships and pairings... Hopefully I can get it all of out my system!
I'm excited too.
I was 12 when I started getting involved in fandom the way we know it today. My first pairing that I actively shipped was Harry/Draco, from Harry Potter. I remember reading so much Drarry on fanfiction.net...before then, I had never been homophobic per se. But as a child (and preteen years too) I had, unfortunately, engaged in some low levels of bullying when it came to calling someone 'gay'. There was a boy in my class when I was in my last year of primary school who was more effeminate than the other boys, and he enjoyed hanging out with girls and making charm bracelets. He was a vey nice kid and I've seen him again recently and he's still as effeminiate as ever. The thing is, everyone would call him gay...as a 12 year old, I don't think he identified with that at all, and to be honest, I didn't even understand what it meant for a while.
It didn't make sense to me - if he's gay why does he like hanging out with girls more? I remember thinking that.. if he was gay he'd try to hang out with boys and stuff, the way that I always hung on to every word a boy I liked said, and would think about for hours over how so and so had 'brushed past me' or 'touched my hair'. Stupid, childish things, but hey..we were making discoveries about ourselves and having 'crushes' was nothing new.
So I was never actively homophobic, but I didn't particularly like thinking about boys kissing each other or girls kissing each other. Then again, I didn't particularly like thinking about girls and boys kissing each other either and very much preferred not thinking about the boys I liked in that way.
When I found fandom and slash pairings, that all changed. I suddenly delved inside the world of homosexual subtext and slash and wow my universe turned upside down. I can't even really remember how it all came about, I've been involved in it for so long! I honestly cannot remember how it felt to not actively ship two characters/people - I can't remember what it felt like to not be a fangirl.
My involvement with fandom came at the same time as puberty and maybe that has something to do with it. I didn't feel like a sexual being as such until, perhaps, I turned 17 (and even now...I'm not very experienced at all. At. All.) but I was fervently shipping two males together and thinking about them having sex and kissing and loving each other.
That's not to say that I didn't ship any het couples. I remember reading quite a bit of Hermione/Fred and I also engaged with Hermione/Draco too. I think I discovered fanvids before fanfiction, so I watched a lot (and still do) of that too. Mostly, though, I'd just ship Harry/Draco/Cedric/Ron in a big sexy orgy and all would be well.
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Fandoms are huge, and I've probably had an opinion about certain ships in more fandoms than I can remember now, but I'm going to make a list of all the ships, in order, I actively and passionately have shipped - meaning I watched fanvids, read fanfiction, thought about a lot etc.
- Harry/Draco from Harry Potter
- Hermione/Fred from Harry Potter
- Howard/Vince from The Mighty Boosh
- Syed/Christian from EastEnders
- Dean/Castiel from Supernatural
- Dean/Sam from Supernatural
- Blair/Chuck from Gossip Girl
- Jared/Jensen [RPF] from Supernatural
- Arthur/Merlin from Merlin (BBC)
- Bradley/Colin [RPF] from Merlin (BBC)
- Ten/Rose from Doctor Who
- Kirk/Spock from Star Trek (all)
- Zachary/Chris from [RPF] Star Trek (2009 film)
- Sherlock/John from Sherlock (BBC)
- Charles/Erik from X-Men: First Class
- Alex/Hank from X-Men: First Class
- Michael/James [RPF] from X-Men: First Class
- Blaine/Kurt from Glee
- Mark/Eduardo from The Social Network
- Jesse/Andrew [RPF] from The Social Network
I have shipped all these pairings with an intensity which would scare most sane people, but the bolded pairings are those which I consider to be my "OTPs Forever". If you go to my tumblr and look through the archives, at certain times in the history of my tumblr, you will notice intense concentrations of reblogs of the above bolded ships. Currently, my tumblr is mainly filled with Jesse/Andrew stuff.
As can be noticed, it's mainly slash.
Who would have thought?
I'm heterosexual. I like men. I find most men aesthetically pleasing and if that makes me superficial, then so be it. I'm heterosexual, but for the most part, I absolutely despise reading het. The reason for that, I think, is that I like men and I want to read and think about men loving each other. That's coming from a purely sexual angle.
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Now I'm going to talk about the kinks I enjoy reading, and the squicks I don't enjoy reading.
Fanfiction has become a huge part of my life. I'm 18, and I've graduated from highschool now. Fanfiction and fandom has been a part of my entire high school life. I've read a lot of fanfiction, lots of different kinks, and lots of different types. Mostly I enjoy the fic I read, but sometimes I will finish a fic and wish I hadn't read it, though that's not common. I tend to always finish a fic if I start to read it, though I will not start it at all if I think I'm not going to like it. So, a list of 'squicks' I generally dislike and why:
- Dub-con/Non-con: I've actually read a lot of this, most of it was with Master/Doctor from Doctor Who but not always. Generally, I like sex if it includes feelings and in my experience, dub-con/non-con don't really include that. I've read enough to know that I don't like it if it's in the forefront or it's something occurring between my favourite ship.
- BDSM: Some people argue it's hot, but I don't really enjoy it all that much. Especially if it's huge 'orgies' with characters I don't care much for. Sometimes sex-toys/bondage etc can be okay, but I don't really like it when one of them are down on all fours, blind-folded and there's a plethora of men all around taking advantage. Sub/Dom can be hot if it's not too over the top..
- Gender-bender: Now, I say this, but I'm not being entirely accurate. Again, perhaps the reason I'm not into this is because I like boys loving boys so let's keep it like that, shall we? I definitely don't like alwaysagirl! because that's basically het and no, no thanks. However, recently I have started thinking about reading suddenlyagirl! and it's weird, cause I thought I'd never like it. That being said, I know me, and I'd only like it if it involved one member of my ship turning into a girl (for reasons unknown, probably), the other member realising they're attracted to them, and then when they turn back into a boy, the one that didn't change gender realising they've always loved the other - girl or boy. Don't know if there's fics like that though. I'll go searching.
- Angst: Okay, I'm lying. I read angst all the time - knowingly as well. However, in my headspace there's two 'main' types of angst. The one I'm ~okay~ with is when my ship are together, but something they can't help breaks them apart. Major character death, circumstances....if there's angst, but in the end, they end up together and all is alright, then that's good too. I can deal with that. What I generally can't deal with though is the angst of a breakup - why would I want to read about my OTP's relationship turning sour. They're my OTP!!!! I don't want to read about their relationship not working out because they're not 'right' for each other or whatever! There's a lot of this with Mark/Eduardo because freaking Mark is an asshole and can't get his head around the fact that Eduardo loves him. Same for Charles/Erik - I have wept for hours over such fics. Also, I can't deal with one of them cheating on the other. I can deal with (sometimes) them cheating with each other, but not on each other. That being said...
- Betrayal/cheating: I know I make no sense. This mostly applies for [RPF] however. I'm very aware that Jesse Eisenberg has a girlfriend, James McAvoy has a wife and child...but I don't care. That doesn't mean I like reading about them breaking up with their significant other to be with Andrew Garfield or Michael Fassbender, respectively. I really don't like that. I generally will not read a fic if it involves the girlfriends/wives. Sometimes it's okay. If the breakup is not in the forefront of the fic and has already happened, alright (that really only applies to Jesse/Andrew) but generally I just prefer that they never existed.
Oh gosh. Okay, now onto the kinks! I won't write them all, because I have a lot, and some are unnecessarily specific (for certain pairings) and some aren't really 'kinks'. But here goes...
FLUFF? ALWAYS! FLUFF INCLUDES, FOR ME:
- Hurt/Comfort: I can't say much for this. Give me taking-care-of-the-significant-other any day.
- Domestic fics: This is a bit generic, but yeah. When nothing particularly happens, but they're together at home, cooking for each other, living with each other, walking around with no clothes on etc All that fluffiness that comes with domestic fics I love.
- Fluffy smut: So basically I like reading sex if it includes feelings and cuddling. PWPs are okay too, if you're in the mood for literally nothing but porn/a sex 'scene'.
- Mpreg: Male pregnancy. It's not for everyone. I guess for me I like the idea of favourite slash couple coming together and having a child that is biologically both theirs. I have not read a lot of mpreg. Usually, I've read it in fandoms where there's some sort of 'magic' involved: Vince getting pregnant by Howard and Naboo helping to deliver the child with his 'shaman powers', Castiel getting pregnant by Dean (he's an angel..can't anything happen?), Merlin getting pregnant by Arthur and magic is involved( Merlin is a warlock...), Charles getting pregnant by Erik because of mutant reasons...There's a Mark/Eduardo fic currently being written where Eduardo gets pregnant and I'm interested to see how the writer deals with the pregnancy! Usually, the actual pregnancy and delivery is not dealt with in detail, and it's just the aftermath which is. I'm thinking of writing one actually, but won't until I've read enough to get some ideas about how to deal with the actual conception.. I'm a science student, really, and I know it can't happen, really, but hey, isn't that what fics for?
Guess which couple's lovechild this is. This image is also my phone's lock screen.
- Rimming and barebacking: Maybe these two don't go hand in hand, but I like both.
- Highschool AUs/AUs in general: I actually do like AUs. I know some people don't always, because there's the 'danger' of the character losing their 'personality' if you stick them into a setting which is not where they 'came from' but all the AUs I've read were absolutely brilliant! Highschool AUs are the sweetest! War AUs also, when written well, are brilliant though have the tendency to break my heart.
- Android/robots: It's such a cool idea.
- Crossovers between fandoms: Again, I know some people don't like it, but I LOVE IT! Namely, Doctor Who/Sherlock, Doctor Who/The Social Network, Harry Potter/The Social Network. It makes for such interesting plots.
- ~Bestiality~ Okay, hear me out. When I say this, I refer to beast!Hank coupled with Alex. I mean, I love Hank when he's 'normal' and I love him when he's all blue and fuzzy and beast.
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Now onto musings about my involvement in fandom and shipping. I love it, mostly. Of course, to be involved with 'fandom' you don't necessarily have to read fanfiction and what not, merely love a tv show, or movie, or book, or whatever your fandom is. My involvement with fandom though has been heavily influenced by fanfiction and so that's what I've centered my 'discussion' about. Fanfiction makes it dangerously easy to get emotionally invested in a pairing, and yeah, I can say that I am emotionally invested in a lot of ships, or have been.
Me 99.99%..who am I kidding? Me 100% of the time.
Places like tumblr and livejournal make it easy to 'fangirl' and be involved with your fandom with people who enjoy it like you. It also makes it easy to get ridiculously obsessed and dependent on your ship. Not only that, but for sure you'll meet people who don't have the same OTP as you, who may even bash your ship, which is poor fandom-etiquette, I personally think. One thing that's great though is how basically everyone is pro-gay rights. Perhaps in every fandom (though that could be an outlandish statement, I'm not sure) there will be slash, somewhere. Heck, I know there's Justin Bieber slash fanfiction so slash is always out there, I could say.
I know that me loving slash is why I'm so against homophobia, and all cases of discrimination against someone for their sexuality or gender 'choice' - though I know, it's not really a choice at all.
However, whilst I love fandom, and love fanfiction, I know there are cons. Or consequences.
Last year when I was desperately lonely I was living and breathing Merlin/Arthur so much that I would write in my diary (I'm not kidding) that I wanted to be a man, so I could be homosexual. (I was also crushing hard on Zachary/Chris fic, but probably not as much.) I remember feeling that no one would love me or my body because it wasn't a man's body. I ACTUALLY REMEMBER FEELING THIS. It was getting so bad, and I was constantly reading fic everywhere that I went cold-turkey and stopped. I just stopped. I stopped going on tumblr and livejournal and I left.
Their love. Can''t you see it?
I didn't leave for long though. In the summer of 2010-2011 (I'm in the southern hemisphere) I did a (private) marathon of Doctor Who and fell in love with it again, and started shipping Ten and Rose like it was nobody's business. I went overseas that summer and watched Sherlock (BBC) with my sister and did the same for Sherlock and John. It was pretty tame though, compared to how I used to ship Merlin and Arthur...which is saying something.
So when we came back from overseas, I started my final year of high school. I was pretty 'good' until... in July, I watched X-Men: First Class. I adored James McAvoy as Charles Xavier straight away, but didn't start shipping them until I stumbled across a tumblr that had some Charles/Erik graphics. I wasn't back on tumblr at that point per se. Going through my archives indicates I was barely on from February to July. Somehow I ended up back on tumblr...And then BAM. I was obsessed, I was emotionally involved with Charles/Erik. They were my everything. I read so much fic, it was worse than Arthur/Merlin.
It was my motherlicking OTP.
At school (and this is in my final year of high school too, when I'm preparing for university exams!), in class, feverishly reading fic and feelings things I really shouldn't be feeling in a school environment! I was pretty hugely into Alex/Hank as well and I shipped these two pairings like a mother-bitch. I went all out. Their names are everywhere, all over my school work. Damn, it was ridiculous.
I had so much fun with these two.
I remember feeling that if I didn't read fic and invest myself in my pairings actively every waking second of my life, the fandom would die and didn't want that at all. I know that sounds stupid, but fandoms 'dying' really upsets me. Fandoms don't really die, I guess. As long as fic exists, and people adore their ships, it's never really going to end. There are times, though, when fandoms 'slow'...people stop writing as much fic and all that. When the First Class movie came out my tumblr exploded with my two ships and I was loving it. McFassy Tuesdays and heterosexuality was never an option and Erik as a shark and Charles as a mouse/rodent and I love everyone in this bar and groovy...oh god, it was ridiculous. My dashboard was full of it. I was surrounded by it. And then it slowed down. I think the communities are still going strong, though I haven't looked in a while cause suddenly I was shipping..
Yeah. I have too many feelings for you two. What have you done to me?
Jesse/Andrew. I watched The Social Network on the plane going to the overseas place, but I was half asleep and jetlag and didn't really engage with it. I'd secretly enjoyed Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg's faces though and they'd pop up on my tumblr here and there throughout the year. I don't recall why exactly I suddenly going into this ship. During the awards season for their movie there was that moment Jesse lifted Andrew from his seat, and that moment Andrew stumbled (quite gracefully and adorably) over the word 'inspiringly' and tumblr was loving it. It wasn't because of that though, I didn't start actively shipping them (or Mark/Eduardo) until maybe mid-September or something. I can say that maybe I'm ashamed of how quickly I switched from Charles/Erik to Jesse/Andrew because now I'm all out for these two lovely boys, and I know I felt the same for Charles and Erik.
They were my motherlicking OTP FOREVER DUDE but suddenly that turned into Andrew and Jesse. Okay, so Charles and Erik together are still an OTP, yes. However, I switched from feverishly reading their fic to reading Jesse/Andrew fic. I thought I was obsessed with Charles and Erik...no...I thought I was obsessed with Merlin and Arthur...(I really was. I know I was.)...but no. Apparently, I've never felt this way about a ship before. So now I'm going to devote an entire section to these two, because this ship is what has seemingly taken over my life.
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JESSE EISENBERG AND ANDREW GARFIELD
NOW. THIS SHIP. THIS SHIP. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. The beginning? Okay, yeah, that is a good place.
So why did I suddenly start shipping these two? I think one day they appeared on my dashboard; it was probably one of these pictures...
My tumblr icon. And phone background.
And I realised that they're both ridiculously gorgeous. Not that I already didn't know this, but for some reason, I was compelled to find out more about their ~relationship~ because they looked pretty darn adorable together. They make it easy to ship them. "The ship that sails itself" I've heard some say about them. You only have to watch the interviews and not even the interviews to understand that they have something pretty special. I do ship them ~romantically~ but really, it doesn't even matter. Andrew has said enough times that he 'fell in love' with Jesse and has a 'genuine love' for him. Really, their relationship (romantic or otherwise) is absolutely beautiful and I really can only hope to find someone I get along with as well as these two do together! Jesse is so intelligent and inspiring (have you listened to him speak?) and Andrew, too, is well spoken and funny and has a warm personality, from what he shows us.
The fic though. I have never shipped a [RPF] this much before. Ever. Ever ever ever. Maybe this is why it's so dangerous. These two are real people with real lives and real heterosexual relationships. I'm well aware of that! I always try to separate my fictionalised version of Andrew and Jesse - the ones that are in a happy, loving, sexual relationship, probably married, domestic as ever- and the real ones. It's not really justifiable for me to get a bit iffy about the idea of Andrew and Emma Stone dating. I don't know if they are, I don't care if they are. Jesse has a girlfriend he's been with for years. Great. I know. I know. That doesn't stop me from shipping them, though. I've read enough fic to create them a life right inside my head.
Through stories of every kind - fantasy novels, crime novels, romance, drama, fanfiction - we live the character's lives. If it's well written (and so much fanfiction is, it really is...) it's so easy to get lost in that world. If the fic is long, if it builds the characters up, if you experience their troubles and worries, their happiness, their love for each other...you get lost in it. By being selective about what you read, you create images of your characters - or real people.
I started off by reading Jesse/Andrew but I also read Mark/Eduardo. Of course, when I read them, I'm generally imagining Jesse's version of Mark Zuckerberg, and Andrew's version of Eduardo Saverin. Not the real ones! Though I have read some meta fics which meant I was reading about the real Mark and Eduardo..but I don't do that often.
There's a lot of angst in that ship (duh - have you even seen the movie?) but I've read a lot of poignant stuff. I've been reduced to snotty, bloody tears and that doesn't happen often. (Okay fine, it does.)
Often I have to remind myself that I'm in love with my fiction versions of Jesse and Andrew (and Mark and Eduardo). I respect and admire the actors, the people themselves, but my heart is, when I'm being honest, with my fiction versions. They're the ones who I've read about, engaged with shamelessly. I've read about Andrew and Jesse falling in love, discovering each other, helping each other and sharing with each other. I've read about their first kisses, their first times, the first time they say 'I love you' to each other. The problems they've had to get through...their joys. Weddings. Children. All of that. In fic. In fic you experience these character's most intimate, private moments. So okay, I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. Yes I read a lot of smut, a lot of sex. But as I've mentioned before, I really only enjoy it if it contains feelings. Sex between Andrew and Jesse is special because they love each other, and I love that they love each other. I find them attractive. I'm a sexual being (well, in my head I am) and so it pleases me.
See the following image and music: how I perceive Andrew and Jesse's love (in my headspace)
The same goes for Mark/Eduardo, though the [RPF] is what I'm mainly involved with.
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It's not healthy though. I know that my obsession and craving for these two is not healthy. I'm currently in my final exams period. I have 6 (out of 15) left as I write this currently. Next year I'll be in university. If I'm being realistic, I know this won't last. I thought Charles/Erik was going to last forever, but it really hasn't. I think Jesse/Andrew will stay with me a bit longer, but I know it's not going to last forever.
I've been distanced from nearly all of my friends for the past 2 months due to exams. The one friend (my best friend) who I see less sporadically is also quite into Jesse/Andrew so whenever I go to her house, we basically fangirl over them. Well, I fangirl, and she sits and nods and lets me release all my pent up feelings.
When exams are finally over, and my summer holidays start, and I start seeing real people again..when I go to university and meet people, the opposite sex (I've been going to an all-girls school for the past 4 years) I'm sure it'll be different. My dependence on this ship (and all ships) will ease, I'm sure. I know.
I'm 18 now, and I've been a fangirl..I've been involved with fandom and slash from since I was 12 years old and it's really all I can remember. I can't remember what it felt like to not be involved, honestly. Even on my 'breaks' I'd think about my ships. I know you're never too old to be a fangirl. I know plenty of married women who fangirl regularly over their slash pairings...
I have a feeling, however, that my inane need for Jesse and Andrew is due to me being at home most of the time. My current reality - exams, no friends, a small house and lots of pent up energy - is honestly not as enticing as the universe my ship live in. When I read fic, good fic, I get lost in that world for a few hours. All my worries and stress just disappears. I'm there with Jesse when he goes to the beach house and shares a bed with Andrew for the first time. I'm there with Andrew when he realizes he's in love with Jesse but doesn't know how to tell him. I'm there with Eduardo when he accidentally goes back in time to before Mark betrayed him and realizes he has the opportunity to change what happens in the future. I'm there with Mark when he is setting up the dinner table for Eduardo, when he proposes to Eduardo. And isn't that reality better than the reality I'm currently living? Maybe. Maybe not.
Sometimes they're both as real as each other. I can say that, if I could, I would rush into that reality and leave mine behind without thinking twice. To a place where Andrew and Jesse are happily together, and everyone knows and it doesn't matter that they're both men.
I'm going to stop now. Writing all this has been very good for me. I don't need perspective, because I already have that. Fandom, slash, fic...it's shaped me and it is a part of me. I know, though, when I'm being very honest with myself, that it's not a reality. It's a fantasy, a fantasy as much as the Robin Hobb novels I love to read. It's a world that exists in its own right - in the stories I read and in my head. And sometimes, the world in our head is more real than the 'reality' we actually live in.
It's been very good that I've written all this. I'm going to post this now. And I think I'm not going to go and read fic. It's curious...that I'm not going to do so.
Thank-you for reading all this, if you have. Wow! I've written a lot of word vomit and you've sat through all my musings. Then again, maybe no one has. It doesn't matter though, because I needed to get this all out of my system. Thanks, livejournal. I leave you with two of my favourite gifs.
I adore you, John Barrowman.
You too, Zachary Quinto.