(no subject)
cristal
i've been in south florida for almost two years i think, and before that i was living in yonkers, ny... since i've been in florida, i've experienced some of the most painful situations and realizations of my life... i've been involved in the most painful relationship of my life, as well as the most beautiful and loving relationship...
probably needless to say, i'm talking about the SAME relationship... and it's really a microcosm of my life, such extreme highs and lows, such awesome growth and such disgusting stagnation... i feel like i can do EVERYTHING and NOTHING...
i remember when kayla and i broke up, the girl with the big curly hair... i dont know if anyone really knows how much that relationship meant to me... after she left for toronto, i remember lying in bed at night and just MELTING from the pain, just hurting so much that i felt like i was rotting inside... such an axious feeling, like i wanted to run as fast as i could until i just had no energy... it was the kind of helpless anxious feeling you might get when you're late to meet someone important somewhere, and you cant get there, and you cant get in touch with them... you know? wondering what the person is thinking, knowing there's NOTHING you can do... scary stuff...
but i remember lying in bed and eventually deciding to FEEL the pain, just let it wash all over me and feel it... i decided it was no longer BAD to be hurting, it was simply an experience... not good or bad, not right or wrong, it just WAS... and i started to notice something...
i noticed that when i let myself feel how i feel, i learned things... i think the automatic reaction to pain is to either make it go away or to do something else to take your mind off of it... but both are just forms of avoidance... so once i learned to accept my feelings, whether they felt pleasant or not, i became a stronger person, by a LOT...
not to say that it fixed anything... it just gave me a different perspective... it made me a better songwriter, a better lover, a more complete version of myself... it just helped me to really focus my passion, to really get a hold of what it is that makes me FEEL... so now i really know what hurts me, what i will and wont put up with in a relationship, etc...
i miss you... i suppose you may have heard about the hurricanes and power outages and whatnot down here... we got smashed hard and lost power for days, a lot of people still have no water and no power, most stores are still closed, we still cant find any perishables at the grocery store... it's pretty intense... sometimes it seems to me that someone just BUILT florida recently, it doesnt seem very permanent... i mean, this is the 3rd or 4th hurricane, at LEAST, since ive been here, and i think it's the 3rd time we've lost power... im not complaining, i just miss new york...
i've yet to find a true music scene here, other than the omnipresent latin music and reggaeton stuff, which is ok, but not my thing really... i like to play with latin sounds and flavors at times, but it's not a genre i could fit into fully... i do like some of it a lot tho... but i miss being in a band, i miss aura... i wish i would have been the way i am now back then... i thought i was then, but i obviously wasnt ready... i just didnt have the FIRE that i have now... or the voice...
i can really sing now... NOT that you can tell from my stuff on myspace... terrible recordings... but my new stuff is incredible... i actually spent my birthday alone in las vegas... i flew out there for the LAST american idol audition, which was ON my birthday... i wasnt chosen, but i also saw a LOT of people who were much better singers than i, all of them were turned away as well... but out of that came a song, of course... i had started writing it before, but it starts out with:
"i dont want to be/an idle american
i dont want to be/a silent citizen
i cant pretend to be/cuz im not bipartisan
all i want to be/is a man worth meeting"
it's called 'idle american'... i THINK people will get the american idol reference... im really trying to SAY something, im being vulnerable as fuck... in ALL my new songs, im really talking about the truth of my life... another song called 'take off your ring', dealing with the unimaginable struggles of being involved and in love with a married woman... real shit...
anyway cris, i love you and i hope to hear from you soon...
L
i've been in south florida for almost two years i think, and before that i was living in yonkers, ny... since i've been in florida, i've experienced some of the most painful situations and realizations of my life... i've been involved in the most painful relationship of my life, as well as the most beautiful and loving relationship...
probably needless to say, i'm talking about the SAME relationship... and it's really a microcosm of my life, such extreme highs and lows, such awesome growth and such disgusting stagnation... i feel like i can do EVERYTHING and NOTHING...
i remember when kayla and i broke up, the girl with the big curly hair... i dont know if anyone really knows how much that relationship meant to me... after she left for toronto, i remember lying in bed at night and just MELTING from the pain, just hurting so much that i felt like i was rotting inside... such an axious feeling, like i wanted to run as fast as i could until i just had no energy... it was the kind of helpless anxious feeling you might get when you're late to meet someone important somewhere, and you cant get there, and you cant get in touch with them... you know? wondering what the person is thinking, knowing there's NOTHING you can do... scary stuff...
but i remember lying in bed and eventually deciding to FEEL the pain, just let it wash all over me and feel it... i decided it was no longer BAD to be hurting, it was simply an experience... not good or bad, not right or wrong, it just WAS... and i started to notice something...
i noticed that when i let myself feel how i feel, i learned things... i think the automatic reaction to pain is to either make it go away or to do something else to take your mind off of it... but both are just forms of avoidance... so once i learned to accept my feelings, whether they felt pleasant or not, i became a stronger person, by a LOT...
not to say that it fixed anything... it just gave me a different perspective... it made me a better songwriter, a better lover, a more complete version of myself... it just helped me to really focus my passion, to really get a hold of what it is that makes me FEEL... so now i really know what hurts me, what i will and wont put up with in a relationship, etc...
i miss you... i suppose you may have heard about the hurricanes and power outages and whatnot down here... we got smashed hard and lost power for days, a lot of people still have no water and no power, most stores are still closed, we still cant find any perishables at the grocery store... it's pretty intense... sometimes it seems to me that someone just BUILT florida recently, it doesnt seem very permanent... i mean, this is the 3rd or 4th hurricane, at LEAST, since ive been here, and i think it's the 3rd time we've lost power... im not complaining, i just miss new york...
i've yet to find a true music scene here, other than the omnipresent latin music and reggaeton stuff, which is ok, but not my thing really... i like to play with latin sounds and flavors at times, but it's not a genre i could fit into fully... i do like some of it a lot tho... but i miss being in a band, i miss aura... i wish i would have been the way i am now back then... i thought i was then, but i obviously wasnt ready... i just didnt have the FIRE that i have now... or the voice...
i can really sing now... NOT that you can tell from my stuff on myspace... terrible recordings... but my new stuff is incredible... i actually spent my birthday alone in las vegas... i flew out there for the LAST american idol audition, which was ON my birthday... i wasnt chosen, but i also saw a LOT of people who were much better singers than i, all of them were turned away as well... but out of that came a song, of course... i had started writing it before, but it starts out with:
"i dont want to be/an idle american
i dont want to be/a silent citizen
i cant pretend to be/cuz im not bipartisan
all i want to be/is a man worth meeting"
it's called 'idle american'... i THINK people will get the american idol reference... im really trying to SAY something, im being vulnerable as fuck... in ALL my new songs, im really talking about the truth of my life... another song called 'take off your ring', dealing with the unimaginable struggles of being involved and in love with a married woman... real shit...
anyway cris, i love you and i hope to hear from you soon...
L