Painless Iris
I've been listening to "Iris" and "Suicide is Painless" on constant repeat for the last 2 hours. This might have something to do with my mood. Or maybe it's the rain, and the way two of my roomates are asleep 'till 5pm and the other one is at class, so my house feels sort of deserted. I think I need more candles; the glow they give off is a comforting addition to the harsh glow of my computer screen.
I need to write more poetry.
It's odd. I don't actually feel like talking out loud at all, but I cannot get my inner monologue to shut up. Watching my hands fly over the keyboard inspires an almost unholy fascination. I don't know why. By all rights, if I'm feeling like this it should be 2 in the morning and I should be very, very single. But none of those circumstantial requirements have been met. It's 4:06 pm and still light out. (although my room is pretty dark.) I've met the love of my life, he's everything I ever dreamed of and more--and he loves me in return.
I think,maybe, I'm boring. Or rather, my options are boring. I can't study abroad, or decide to become a foreign journalist or English teacher. I would miss John too much. Most of the time I'm confident that it's been a fair trade--years of heartache for far fewer opportunities for adventure. But sometimes I just want to get out and DO something. Go work for a charity helping children in Africa for a year. Study in a foreign country. Kiss a girl. Have group sex. Travel by myself. Alone, where I can have experiences just for me, that develop me, as a person, as a personality. I don't want to be confused about which of my opinions I've come up with myself, and which I've just picked up from the people (read:mostly John) around me. I want to know that I stand where I stand because I've gotten there myself; not just because I've been nudged in that direction and haven't had time to think about it enough to know if I should be protesting.
And yet part of can't wait until I'm done with school, married, and eventually making babies. Odd, no?
Anyways, my darling Fox has given me just the inspiration I needed to get me out of my funk, so it is off I go.
Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...
[REFRAIN]:
that suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...
[REFRAIN]
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.
[REFRAIN]
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.
[REFRAIN]
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...
[REFRAIN]
A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
[REFRAIN]
'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you please.