Aw DAMNIT! I hate long entries but... I've got a lot to say!
Last night was intense, on all moods in the spectrum. I did get to see a port in a storm though! *waves at Heather* oh *and is also sorry for forgetting Emily's name* It was really good to see them. I'm almost sorry I couldn't have hung out with them, but I'll get to that part later. At the beginning of the evening I went over to Shane's house to kick off his two day "Parent Free Party!"
Later that night I spent some time with a friend that I had not spent time alone with in a while. You know those people who just take you into this mental maelstrom that leaves you no knowing how to proceed from then on? Well multiply that feeling to the tenth degree and you'll get how I'm feeling. Of course, if I were talking to him, that feeling would be irreleveant to anything. That's our biggest disagreement. I take my emotions very seriously. Most people do! Your typical person doesn't disregard emotional preference in every single decision! Granted, sometimes it's better to go against what your emotions say if doing what you want to do is destructive to yourself or others, but still that decision was made because you know you would feel better that you made the "reasonable choice" later. I don't see anything wrong with that, but he said that if you made that reasonable decision based on the fact that you would feel better about it in the long run, you're still wrong in motive, because you're making your decision based on something that is not always reliable (emotion) and if you had made that decision using something that is always right (reason) then it would have made you right both in motive and truth.
Basically it boils down to this: if you use even a little bit of emotional infleuence to cloud any decision you ever make (unless it's a simple question of preference like "should I wear red or blue today?") you are stupid because you're using a method that's sometimes right but most times wrong. Reason however is always right, and even if you were to arrive at the wrong answer using reason, then you are blameless because you used a method that, up till then, is always correct.
I think he's wrong. He says that the reason I don't like that "fact" is because I've built up an identity for myself. An identity with "staying true to myself using my emotions" as a foundation. To say that emotions are irrelevant to anything would destroy my foundation, and cause my self built identity to collapse, leaving me with too many questions that I would be uncomfortable with. It would be like starting all fucking over again, and that's not fair! Especially whey I wouldn't even know if he were right for sure to begin with. I can't even fathom it.
Now don't get mixed up. He's not saying I should live a life without emotion. That's impossible, (nor is it healthy) he's also not saying that I should try to supress my emotions, he's just saying that I should disregard them when making a decision. But that's just too passive for me! For example, I like hanging out with people for the hell of it. If I like a person, I will get together with them "just for fun." If I were to disregard emotion then I would just continue to be lonely because "people only hang out with people 'for the heck of it' because they don't like to feel alone." Yeah, I hope that doesn't sound silly to just me.
I don't like being unhappy, and if I were to do what he thinks I should do, I'd be unhappy all the time. (yet another decision based on emotion) He asked me why I valued happiness so much over "truth"... why do I like being happy. All I could answer was, "Because I like the feeling" "Why" "Because I dislike being sad" "Why" I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! It's like asking me do define why I'm black, I JUST AM! ("No see you're black because the melanin in your skin...") I can't break it down anymore. I can't explain it. I can't define SELF. He says I can but I'm just afraid to because the consequences would be big. I'm frustrated.
And I really don't know why I subject myself to this every time I spend time with him. Probably because of my emotions... or maybe there's a part of me that does want to value truth over emotion and it draws me to interaction with him despite the fact that I get hurt in the process. You see I have emotions that go both ways, yes and no, and I don't know which one to pick. Should I seek truth (clouded by feelings of happiness when I'm with him) or should I ignore it and keep my foundation (also clouded with emotion because I like the way things are). I really don't know. Help.
Later that night I spent some time with a friend that I had not spent time alone with in a while. You know those people who just take you into this mental maelstrom that leaves you no knowing how to proceed from then on? Well multiply that feeling to the tenth degree and you'll get how I'm feeling. Of course, if I were talking to him, that feeling would be irreleveant to anything. That's our biggest disagreement. I take my emotions very seriously. Most people do! Your typical person doesn't disregard emotional preference in every single decision! Granted, sometimes it's better to go against what your emotions say if doing what you want to do is destructive to yourself or others, but still that decision was made because you know you would feel better that you made the "reasonable choice" later. I don't see anything wrong with that, but he said that if you made that reasonable decision based on the fact that you would feel better about it in the long run, you're still wrong in motive, because you're making your decision based on something that is not always reliable (emotion) and if you had made that decision using something that is always right (reason) then it would have made you right both in motive and truth.
Basically it boils down to this: if you use even a little bit of emotional infleuence to cloud any decision you ever make (unless it's a simple question of preference like "should I wear red or blue today?") you are stupid because you're using a method that's sometimes right but most times wrong. Reason however is always right, and even if you were to arrive at the wrong answer using reason, then you are blameless because you used a method that, up till then, is always correct.
I think he's wrong. He says that the reason I don't like that "fact" is because I've built up an identity for myself. An identity with "staying true to myself using my emotions" as a foundation. To say that emotions are irrelevant to anything would destroy my foundation, and cause my self built identity to collapse, leaving me with too many questions that I would be uncomfortable with. It would be like starting all fucking over again, and that's not fair! Especially whey I wouldn't even know if he were right for sure to begin with. I can't even fathom it.
Now don't get mixed up. He's not saying I should live a life without emotion. That's impossible, (nor is it healthy) he's also not saying that I should try to supress my emotions, he's just saying that I should disregard them when making a decision. But that's just too passive for me! For example, I like hanging out with people for the hell of it. If I like a person, I will get together with them "just for fun." If I were to disregard emotion then I would just continue to be lonely because "people only hang out with people 'for the heck of it' because they don't like to feel alone." Yeah, I hope that doesn't sound silly to just me.
I don't like being unhappy, and if I were to do what he thinks I should do, I'd be unhappy all the time. (yet another decision based on emotion) He asked me why I valued happiness so much over "truth"... why do I like being happy. All I could answer was, "Because I like the feeling" "Why" "Because I dislike being sad" "Why" I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! It's like asking me do define why I'm black, I JUST AM! ("No see you're black because the melanin in your skin...") I can't break it down anymore. I can't explain it. I can't define SELF. He says I can but I'm just afraid to because the consequences would be big. I'm frustrated.
And I really don't know why I subject myself to this every time I spend time with him. Probably because of my emotions... or maybe there's a part of me that does want to value truth over emotion and it draws me to interaction with him despite the fact that I get hurt in the process. You see I have emotions that go both ways, yes and no, and I don't know which one to pick. Should I seek truth (clouded by feelings of happiness when I'm with him) or should I ignore it and keep my foundation (also clouded with emotion because I like the way things are). I really don't know. Help.