jesus it must be great to be straight
A Story Wherein Alex Turner Feels Left-Out
(any excuse to make fun of the Arctic Monkeys.)
Alex Turner went to London one day. "A str8 boi like me!" he thought. "I hope I fit in! I hope people like me!"
His dreams were shattered when he stepped off the train, out into the bright sunlight and a rock hit him.
"Go home Gay!" shouted Carl Libertine.
"Get out of here, you sick fuck!" shouted Pete. "This is London, not Sheffield!"
"We don’t want your kind here!"
"No!" cried Alex. "I'm straight! Really!"
His pleas made no difference. Pete lobbed a bottle at the young man and Alex fled in terror.
"Woe is me!" he sobbed, feeling really emo on the train ride home. "I am straight! I am!"
He got off the train at the Sheffield stop, feeling pitiful. A tall skinny man was watching him. It was Jarv obviously. Who the fuck else would it be?
"Alright gaymo?" said Jarv.
Alex started crying again. "Jesus it must be great!" he moaned, "to be perceived as straight!"
"That's brilliant, mind if I write it in one of my songs? Cheers!"
Alex shrugged. "What the hell am I doing here, Jarv?" he asked woefully. "I don’t belong here!"
"Wow," said Thom Yorke. "I’m stealing that."
"WTF WTF!" said Alex. "I ain’t no hollaback gurl. This shit is bananas! Stop stealing my shit!"
"Dude," said Gwen Stefani.
Then they boned threeways cos as it turns out, Jarv and Thom Yorke were superstraight too, and also really horny. Gwen Stefani is too cool for sex so she filmed it.
(any excuse to make fun of the Arctic Monkeys.)
Alex Turner went to London one day. "A str8 boi like me!" he thought. "I hope I fit in! I hope people like me!"
His dreams were shattered when he stepped off the train, out into the bright sunlight and a rock hit him.
"Go home Gay!" shouted Carl Libertine.
"Get out of here, you sick fuck!" shouted Pete. "This is London, not Sheffield!"
"We don’t want your kind here!"
"No!" cried Alex. "I'm straight! Really!"
His pleas made no difference. Pete lobbed a bottle at the young man and Alex fled in terror.
"Woe is me!" he sobbed, feeling really emo on the train ride home. "I am straight! I am!"
He got off the train at the Sheffield stop, feeling pitiful. A tall skinny man was watching him. It was Jarv obviously. Who the fuck else would it be?
"Alright gaymo?" said Jarv.
Alex started crying again. "Jesus it must be great!" he moaned, "to be perceived as straight!"
"That's brilliant, mind if I write it in one of my songs? Cheers!"
Alex shrugged. "What the hell am I doing here, Jarv?" he asked woefully. "I don’t belong here!"
"Wow," said Thom Yorke. "I’m stealing that."
"WTF WTF!" said Alex. "I ain’t no hollaback gurl. This shit is bananas! Stop stealing my shit!"
"Dude," said Gwen Stefani.
Then they boned threeways cos as it turns out, Jarv and Thom Yorke were superstraight too, and also really horny. Gwen Stefani is too cool for sex so she filmed it.