(no subject)
What happened?
I’m use to my life being less than a cake walk, but thinking back on the past two years I wonder if all of it really happened. Or was this one of those freakishly vibrant dreams that felt SO real, but remained dreams nevertheless.
I know dwelling on the past is a big no-no, but how can I not...when I’m scared of what’s to come. If I try to look forward--to the future...I see nothing. Vast amounts of nothingness to be exact. And that’s scarier than anything I’ve ever had to face. Give me a weapon--point me at a demon--and I can deal, but take away my weapons--and give those demons masks of the ones I trusted...and Im up a proverbial creek without a paddle. Stagnant--stationary. Can’t go back and too scared to go forward.
The said weapons that were pulled away from me are my friends. Well, some of them. And those demons in sheeps clothing? Former friends-past acquaintances-and one-time lov-... But that’s all gone. Has been for a while now. Yet, here I am, still with the dwelling of it all.
I trudge on, and paint my smile on everyday to cover my insecurities...my doubts...and my fears. I’m the senior Slayer here after all, need to act as the bestest Buffy shaped role model for all the junior Slayers that happen to come our way. Vi has been a breath of fresh air. Of all the SITs that stayed with me back in Sunnydale, I didn’t really picture her as one I would grow all that close to. I had a duty to protect her and the others, but now we’re pretty good gal-pals. She held her own around here, and has come a long way from the mousey girl I first met. She’s got a lot to learn, but she’s definitely a success story.
Then, there’s the matter Dawn. My ‘baby’ sister isn’t a baby anymore. She hasn’t been for a while, but I was a bit slow to catch on to that fact. Everyone around me seemed to realize it... Guess it was something that could only be seen by those lacking jaded Buffy vision. Maybe I need glasses... Then again, maybe I just didn’t want to see it. God...she’s gonna be 19! And after that...she will no longer carry the ‘-teen’ at the end of her age. I hate having...a really big number of miles between us. It’s the overbearing/overprotective/slightly paranoid big sister in me. Not a day goes by where I don’t worry about her well being. Wondering if she’s happy. ‘Expect the worse, hope for the best.’, that saying always comes in mind when I think about her. What if she needed me there? For whatever reason. She would have to settle for a phone call or wait till I could catch a flight.
*sighs*
I remember when life was simple...
Actually, no, I really don’t.
I’m use to my life being less than a cake walk, but thinking back on the past two years I wonder if all of it really happened. Or was this one of those freakishly vibrant dreams that felt SO real, but remained dreams nevertheless.
I know dwelling on the past is a big no-no, but how can I not...when I’m scared of what’s to come. If I try to look forward--to the future...I see nothing. Vast amounts of nothingness to be exact. And that’s scarier than anything I’ve ever had to face. Give me a weapon--point me at a demon--and I can deal, but take away my weapons--and give those demons masks of the ones I trusted...and Im up a proverbial creek without a paddle. Stagnant--stationary. Can’t go back and too scared to go forward.
The said weapons that were pulled away from me are my friends. Well, some of them. And those demons in sheeps clothing? Former friends-past acquaintances-and one-time lov-... But that’s all gone. Has been for a while now. Yet, here I am, still with the dwelling of it all.
I trudge on, and paint my smile on everyday to cover my insecurities...my doubts...and my fears. I’m the senior Slayer here after all, need to act as the bestest Buffy shaped role model for all the junior Slayers that happen to come our way. Vi has been a breath of fresh air. Of all the SITs that stayed with me back in Sunnydale, I didn’t really picture her as one I would grow all that close to. I had a duty to protect her and the others, but now we’re pretty good gal-pals. She held her own around here, and has come a long way from the mousey girl I first met. She’s got a lot to learn, but she’s definitely a success story.
Then, there’s the matter Dawn. My ‘baby’ sister isn’t a baby anymore. She hasn’t been for a while, but I was a bit slow to catch on to that fact. Everyone around me seemed to realize it... Guess it was something that could only be seen by those lacking jaded Buffy vision. Maybe I need glasses... Then again, maybe I just didn’t want to see it. God...she’s gonna be 19! And after that...she will no longer carry the ‘-teen’ at the end of her age. I hate having...a really big number of miles between us. It’s the overbearing/overprotective/slightly paranoid big sister in me. Not a day goes by where I don’t worry about her well being. Wondering if she’s happy. ‘Expect the worse, hope for the best.’, that saying always comes in mind when I think about her. What if she needed me there? For whatever reason. She would have to settle for a phone call or wait till I could catch a flight.
*sighs*
I remember when life was simple...
Actually, no, I really don’t.