My therapy session today. My therapist lets me tape record our sessions...so I can review.
Therapist : Mckinna, why are you so mad?
Me : I hate the world. If the world ended tomorrow and we all just suddenly combusted and blood painted the galaxy red, I'd be fine with it.
Therapist : I'd like you to reconsider going on this medication. It would do you a world of good.
Me : Fate is a heartless bitch.
Therapist : What does that have to do with the medication?
Me : Listen I don't need pills to make me feel better, alright? I'll be fine on my own. It's not like I haven't had to deal with this exact same feeling before. I might get very angry sometimes, but that's only when I'm in a room alone. The rest of the time I just smile and play the happy part people expect of Mickie.
Therapist : What did you do this weekend?
Me : We went to group and I actually had a great time with my ex Sybil. I made her laugh. It felt good, being able to do that for her once again. Then I ignored the other Brittney...the one who likes me. Or at least I'm told I ignored the fuck out of her. I don't think she understands that I don't want to be physical with her or anybody for that matter. Thinking about being with someone new makes my stomach want to purge its load and abandon ship. And pretending that I was jealous that she likes some boy didn't help. I only did it because they all expected it of me. Besides, it's a part I'm very familiar with.
Therapist : Did you at least have fun?
Me : Sybil and her fiancee left and things got very boring. Then Brittney got pissed because I wasn't paying attention to her and walked off with Jonathan to Denny's. Joel and I followed later. We got into a fight because he accused me of knowingly and puposefully ignoring Brittney, which I wasn't doing. I told him not to judge too quickly and we were okay after that. We got there and Sybil and her finacee were there so I sat with them and they fed me which was nice. I haven't been eating too much lately.
Therapist : Why's that?
Me : It has to do with the whole purging of the load and such. But anyways, later on Sybil and her fiancee left and then the Rio Rancho kids left and Joel and I were left with Kary and Alyx.
Therapist : Alyx is the one you told me about before?
Me : Yes. The hippie.
Therapist : As I remember, you said she was very attractive?
Me : She is an exceptionally attractive and very raw woman. I've seen her wear makeup only once and I do like the way she actually looks at me and only me when we're having a conversation. She loves to recite her monologues...especially this one from the vagina monologues...and I love to listen. She knows it entirely by heart. It's too bad she has a girlfriend because I might have asked her to a movie once I had been...ready and moved on and such. But since she is taken there will be no flirting of any kind at all. I fucking hate that. I hate it.
Therapist : So you've told me.
Me : ...I'm sorry. I'm kind of... Well let's just say that this moving on thing is a very slow process for me.
Therapist : Did you take my advice and put away anything that reminds you of Kylle?
Me : I did actually. I waited a week then did it when she decided that breaking up with me and not being a couple wasn't enough for me to have to deal with. And I know you said that if I put all those things away that I might actually forget to think about her. So far it hasn't worked. And I know I know...I gotta wait it out.
Therapist : How are you and Kylle doing?
Me : I haven't talked to her in a bit. I'm tired of finding her with her new thing. And I'm pretty sure she either has ADD or has just gotten tired of talking to me...the girl she actually dated. She hardly listens to me when we talk. Her attention is always somewhere else. Which is why I want to talk to her when she's alone only. She things it's because I hate that girl. No...I just don't like being ignored every fucking time.
Therapist : So it's not going good then?
Me : She's my girl, in the strictly friend sense, and that will never change. I will always be there if she needs me. If she called me up tomorrow and said she needed me I'd fly out of here within the day, and it's not just because I love her, it's because she is my friend and I am hers no matter what.
Therapist : You show so much loyalty to the girl who has managed to break your heart twice now.
Me : Well she won't have a chance to do it again. And I do it because, no matter how much she says she doesn't, everyone deserves a good friend. And I'd rather be one of the good ones. I thought about a lot of things as I hung out with Sybil. And I realized, though I had every damn right to act that way, I was acting childish and I didn't much like myself. I'm done with it. I think I'll just balance between Amused and Angry until I gain my bearrings again. I can either be amused with something or angry by myself. It sounds good.
Therapist : If you get any smarter I'll have to start paying you to listen to my problems.
Me : No way! I love to listen to the people I know...but perfect strangers? Dream on, lady.
I'm tired!!! GO TO SLEEP PEOPLE!
Me : I hate the world. If the world ended tomorrow and we all just suddenly combusted and blood painted the galaxy red, I'd be fine with it.
Therapist : I'd like you to reconsider going on this medication. It would do you a world of good.
Me : Fate is a heartless bitch.
Therapist : What does that have to do with the medication?
Me : Listen I don't need pills to make me feel better, alright? I'll be fine on my own. It's not like I haven't had to deal with this exact same feeling before. I might get very angry sometimes, but that's only when I'm in a room alone. The rest of the time I just smile and play the happy part people expect of Mickie.
Therapist : What did you do this weekend?
Me : We went to group and I actually had a great time with my ex Sybil. I made her laugh. It felt good, being able to do that for her once again. Then I ignored the other Brittney...the one who likes me. Or at least I'm told I ignored the fuck out of her. I don't think she understands that I don't want to be physical with her or anybody for that matter. Thinking about being with someone new makes my stomach want to purge its load and abandon ship. And pretending that I was jealous that she likes some boy didn't help. I only did it because they all expected it of me. Besides, it's a part I'm very familiar with.
Therapist : Did you at least have fun?
Me : Sybil and her fiancee left and things got very boring. Then Brittney got pissed because I wasn't paying attention to her and walked off with Jonathan to Denny's. Joel and I followed later. We got into a fight because he accused me of knowingly and puposefully ignoring Brittney, which I wasn't doing. I told him not to judge too quickly and we were okay after that. We got there and Sybil and her finacee were there so I sat with them and they fed me which was nice. I haven't been eating too much lately.
Therapist : Why's that?
Me : It has to do with the whole purging of the load and such. But anyways, later on Sybil and her fiancee left and then the Rio Rancho kids left and Joel and I were left with Kary and Alyx.
Therapist : Alyx is the one you told me about before?
Me : Yes. The hippie.
Therapist : As I remember, you said she was very attractive?
Me : She is an exceptionally attractive and very raw woman. I've seen her wear makeup only once and I do like the way she actually looks at me and only me when we're having a conversation. She loves to recite her monologues...especially this one from the vagina monologues...and I love to listen. She knows it entirely by heart. It's too bad she has a girlfriend because I might have asked her to a movie once I had been...ready and moved on and such. But since she is taken there will be no flirting of any kind at all. I fucking hate that. I hate it.
Therapist : So you've told me.
Me : ...I'm sorry. I'm kind of... Well let's just say that this moving on thing is a very slow process for me.
Therapist : Did you take my advice and put away anything that reminds you of Kylle?
Me : I did actually. I waited a week then did it when she decided that breaking up with me and not being a couple wasn't enough for me to have to deal with. And I know you said that if I put all those things away that I might actually forget to think about her. So far it hasn't worked. And I know I know...I gotta wait it out.
Therapist : How are you and Kylle doing?
Me : I haven't talked to her in a bit. I'm tired of finding her with her new thing. And I'm pretty sure she either has ADD or has just gotten tired of talking to me...the girl she actually dated. She hardly listens to me when we talk. Her attention is always somewhere else. Which is why I want to talk to her when she's alone only. She things it's because I hate that girl. No...I just don't like being ignored every fucking time.
Therapist : So it's not going good then?
Me : She's my girl, in the strictly friend sense, and that will never change. I will always be there if she needs me. If she called me up tomorrow and said she needed me I'd fly out of here within the day, and it's not just because I love her, it's because she is my friend and I am hers no matter what.
Therapist : You show so much loyalty to the girl who has managed to break your heart twice now.
Me : Well she won't have a chance to do it again. And I do it because, no matter how much she says she doesn't, everyone deserves a good friend. And I'd rather be one of the good ones. I thought about a lot of things as I hung out with Sybil. And I realized, though I had every damn right to act that way, I was acting childish and I didn't much like myself. I'm done with it. I think I'll just balance between Amused and Angry until I gain my bearrings again. I can either be amused with something or angry by myself. It sounds good.
Therapist : If you get any smarter I'll have to start paying you to listen to my problems.
Me : No way! I love to listen to the people I know...but perfect strangers? Dream on, lady.
I'm tired!!! GO TO SLEEP PEOPLE!