(no subject)
kind of weird. I found some of my music files from Flag right before I left and I kind of realized that most of my stuff came from Kevin and how significantly he has and did influence(d) my life even today.
I am at an impasse.
I feel a whole grip of emotions today and one of the most overpowering one is this creeping loneliness. I feel like a lot of it is curable but there is a part of me embracing it because i remember it always used to be fuel to turn me into someone who is better than I believe I am. I remember waiting and waiting. and I remember a sort of sadness when i thought about the return to normal. I think because I knew at the time that things would never go back to the way it was. I think I knew that he would never look at me like that and I would never love or give myself over so completely again. As i reflect on all the social and physical relationships I have had since...I realize that none of them have been perfect-quite the opposite- and the caliber/quality of the experience has been a measurable decline since. I think the end of the year is the worst time to see me from my perspective because i think it is when I have the most clarity. I display my most cynical, self-denigrating personality traits whenever my failure to progress becomes more poignant=>the end of the year, my birthday, christmas, the massive number of anniversaries that occur now.
I think a beer is in order. I almost cried today.
I am at an impasse.
I feel a whole grip of emotions today and one of the most overpowering one is this creeping loneliness. I feel like a lot of it is curable but there is a part of me embracing it because i remember it always used to be fuel to turn me into someone who is better than I believe I am. I remember waiting and waiting. and I remember a sort of sadness when i thought about the return to normal. I think because I knew at the time that things would never go back to the way it was. I think I knew that he would never look at me like that and I would never love or give myself over so completely again. As i reflect on all the social and physical relationships I have had since...I realize that none of them have been perfect-quite the opposite- and the caliber/quality of the experience has been a measurable decline since. I think the end of the year is the worst time to see me from my perspective because i think it is when I have the most clarity. I display my most cynical, self-denigrating personality traits whenever my failure to progress becomes more poignant=>the end of the year, my birthday, christmas, the massive number of anniversaries that occur now.
I think a beer is in order. I almost cried today.