I'm Finding My Way Back to Sanity Again
Start: 10:01 pm
Wow so this is the first real post I've done in awhile. It's kinda fun reading back over them though haha I was such a brooder in some of them but I'm probably going to be broody in some parts of this to haha.
Alright well first off I still haven't gotten my inspiration back for school :/
It's still mainly me dragging myself through life day by day. One of my classes I don't even know why I'm there and now it's to late to switch out to anything decent. Plus i've noticed that as years progress I'm starting to get quieter and quieter. I hardly talk in classes anymore : /
School is just wearing me down faster then I'd like it to. But really my whole life lately has been uninspired so that makes it even worse. I don't know what to do to snap out of this. And my consideration that I'm depressed can never be resolved because I refuse/can't bring it up with my parents... If I really am suffering from depression that's really not a good thing then...
But moving on from my dreary, uninspired school/life
So my angst over W is slowly getting better.... I think. It doesn't bother me as much anymore that I don't see her or when I do it's not an aching twist. I didn't see her at an event our school had, which is a good thing because I was dreading it all night since it happened last year. But as it turns out she did go to homecoming with MF so good thing Ididn't go. To be honest seeing her there with him was probably my biggest reason why I didn't want to go. So I guess in some sense a small part of me is still holding on. Cause I mean, if I know I can, I'll still try to catch glimpse of her. I still get the urge to know what's going on in her life. My only up is that when I don't... it's alright with me.
But another part of me is just waiting for that day when something will happen that pulls me back into her burning building. And when (if) that day comes, I don't know how I'll feel about it. Heh, don't know if THATS good or bad.
Anyways so one of my classes I've ended up with 2 people who live in my neighborhood in there to. What's the chances of that happening haha. But one of them I talk to sometimes and my family knows hers (plus she's kinda cute to me but it's just the passing cute). I think one of the guys in our class trys to constantly hit on her though. Kinda amusing and sad at the same time haha. The other girl I talk to rarely. But she's pretty cool. OH. But I am also in that class with M's girlfrienddd.
Yeah. That's right. M again.
So know how I posted back during summer how I found out for sure about her. And how it'd suck if I suddenly ended up in classes with her. Well guess the fuck what. Four classes, count them four classes IN A ROW with M. I spend a MINIUM of 4 hours A DAY with this girl. When I had 1 last year and kept minimal contact (if any) with her. Sometimes I think Karma really is paying me back. Plus in the beginning (and sometimes now) I was CONSTANTLY paired up with her. And not cause I sat near or was close in names or some bullshit but randomly paired. Kinda freaky.
Buttt I have gotten to know M and I have to admit. She's a pretty cool person. Very intersting. I don't know if we consider eachother friends. But we do have normal conversation and jokes. So ehh. It's still kind of creepy how I have all these connections to her life though : /
My brother thinks it's all some kind of conspiricy of hers to draw me into her "circle" whatever the hell that is. But some of his predictions are coming true which kind of flips me out sometimes. So that's M's update so far.
So this year it's hard to find some decent underclassmens : /
They're all tiny little egomanic douchebags which no one likes. No. I'm not even kidding. No upperclassmens likes them. AT. ALL.
So I don't even bother giving 99.9% of these brats benefit of the doubt anymore. If anyone proves they're decent to me it's a BIG deal. Which is sad if you think about it. That also brings me to my real topic here.
There's an underclassmen on my bus (what is it with the bus) that I think I have a crush on. I haven't talked to her (of course) but she's really quiet i've noticed. Plus at a fire drill she was hanging around a friend of my friend so it seems like I'd get along with her. Don't you just love these secondary connections? But anyways she kinda has that Kristen Stewart with Jona Jett hair and keeps to herself. Well, on the bus at least. And I donno, OH plus cute smile (I think those are what draws me in the most). I'm kind of kicking myself that I didn't talk to her during the fire drill since she was RIGHT THERE. But I was a little busy in an argument with M about a bet we made haha. She's an underclassmen which makes me more confident around her. I'm not as shy of stumbling on my words so there's a big plus. So I think I could actually randomly turn to her and start a conversation if I ever get a chance haha. You never know, the people I really took intrest in have turned out to swing my way... so I think my -dar is somewhat functioning. Plus she smiled at me when I was finishing my play argument with a friend while walking to the bus and noticed her next to me. Could have said something then to : /
-sigh-
All these missed chances. Well my goal is to know her before the next quarter ends so we'll see how that turns out.
Alright. The biggest thing I wanted to get off my chest.
Since W isn't really taking up 99.65% of my thoughts anymore and I've somehow ended up in a class with her best friend, I've noticed things. As my dear you letters have shown, W's best friend has really caught my eye. I didn't even notice it either. I mean at first it was her saying something in class that impressed me. Then it was her humor, random phrases and then I started to notice her smile and laugh. I think it exploded from there : /
Can't say it's a bad thing though. She really is a breath of fresh air in this failing humanity. And you know with my crush (?) on her I'm not crazy jealous. Like when I thought there was a hickey on her neck it just amused me to no end. And then of course I figured out she must really have burnt herself with something because it was a real wound. But... you know I think that ultimately drew me into her is that... she's everything I expected W to be. To stay as, I should say. Because there was a point when W was like her bestfriend. I also don't want another secondary connection to W : / Because there's no telling where that'll lead to. But really what I'm worried about is the ultimate consequence of falling for, let's give her a name on here shall we? What about... C, for captivating yeah? So I'm just worried about the ultimate consequence for falling for C.
I mean she doesn't have a boyfriend (not that I know of at least) and doesn't seem to be wanting a new one anytime soon (judging from her response to a topic in class). Plus her ex was in idiot for letting go the best thing he could ever have (I knew the guy). But yeah... and I don't think the chances of her swinging my way or even halfway are greater then 0% but one can wish. But well she did randomly come up to me and grab my necklaces and asked what my rings on them were (which I thought was kind of adorable) but I'm probably reading wayyyy to into that. Eh... maybe I'll try to get to know her first. She really does seem like a good person.
Right now my best with her was on Friday. It was intersting though how she was the first one to give me the best possible topic to make my speech about even though we've never really held a proper conversation. Buttt it was probably because she was there with a mutal friend when I ranted about it (Twilight was the topic) before. Still, made me smile that it meant she remembered. So my 1 minute rant got her to die laughing which basically put a HUGE smile on my face for the rest of the day. And I wish she got a better topic since I felt she got jipped with her topics. Also you know I think because she was the one that first shot out the topic I was extra inspired. Plus becausing of it I got like a 1 minute mini convo with her after class :D another big addition to the grin on my face.
Geez I sound so smitten don't I? Haha. So it's basically C is # 1 I want to get to know but (let's call her U for underclassman) is the easiest out of the two.
Okay so there's some other things I wanna hit on real quick but don't have any energy to duelve on it xD
-House
WTF REALLY?! REALLY?! 13 IS GONE YET STILL WITH FOREMAN AND CAMERON IS OUT IN NOVEMBER?! FUCK YOU DAVID SHORE I'M DONE
-WWE
W00T YEAH MICKIE JAMES KEPT HER BELT AND WON THE MATCH ON MONDAY BEAT THAT BITCH
wow... my mind went blank on other things I wanted to hit on XD
Oh well next time haha. If something happens with U or C I'll def be back here about it xD
-SavingMidnight
End: 11:32 pm
Wow so this is the first real post I've done in awhile. It's kinda fun reading back over them though haha I was such a brooder in some of them but I'm probably going to be broody in some parts of this to haha.
Alright well first off I still haven't gotten my inspiration back for school :/
It's still mainly me dragging myself through life day by day. One of my classes I don't even know why I'm there and now it's to late to switch out to anything decent. Plus i've noticed that as years progress I'm starting to get quieter and quieter. I hardly talk in classes anymore : /
School is just wearing me down faster then I'd like it to. But really my whole life lately has been uninspired so that makes it even worse. I don't know what to do to snap out of this. And my consideration that I'm depressed can never be resolved because I refuse/can't bring it up with my parents... If I really am suffering from depression that's really not a good thing then...
But moving on from my dreary, uninspired school/life
So my angst over W is slowly getting better.... I think. It doesn't bother me as much anymore that I don't see her or when I do it's not an aching twist. I didn't see her at an event our school had, which is a good thing because I was dreading it all night since it happened last year. But as it turns out she did go to homecoming with MF so good thing Ididn't go. To be honest seeing her there with him was probably my biggest reason why I didn't want to go. So I guess in some sense a small part of me is still holding on. Cause I mean, if I know I can, I'll still try to catch glimpse of her. I still get the urge to know what's going on in her life. My only up is that when I don't... it's alright with me.
But another part of me is just waiting for that day when something will happen that pulls me back into her burning building. And when (if) that day comes, I don't know how I'll feel about it. Heh, don't know if THATS good or bad.
Anyways so one of my classes I've ended up with 2 people who live in my neighborhood in there to. What's the chances of that happening haha. But one of them I talk to sometimes and my family knows hers (plus she's kinda cute to me but it's just the passing cute). I think one of the guys in our class trys to constantly hit on her though. Kinda amusing and sad at the same time haha. The other girl I talk to rarely. But she's pretty cool. OH. But I am also in that class with M's girlfrienddd.
Yeah. That's right. M again.
So know how I posted back during summer how I found out for sure about her. And how it'd suck if I suddenly ended up in classes with her. Well guess the fuck what. Four classes, count them four classes IN A ROW with M. I spend a MINIUM of 4 hours A DAY with this girl. When I had 1 last year and kept minimal contact (if any) with her. Sometimes I think Karma really is paying me back. Plus in the beginning (and sometimes now) I was CONSTANTLY paired up with her. And not cause I sat near or was close in names or some bullshit but randomly paired. Kinda freaky.
Buttt I have gotten to know M and I have to admit. She's a pretty cool person. Very intersting. I don't know if we consider eachother friends. But we do have normal conversation and jokes. So ehh. It's still kind of creepy how I have all these connections to her life though : /
My brother thinks it's all some kind of conspiricy of hers to draw me into her "circle" whatever the hell that is. But some of his predictions are coming true which kind of flips me out sometimes. So that's M's update so far.
So this year it's hard to find some decent underclassmens : /
They're all tiny little egomanic douchebags which no one likes. No. I'm not even kidding. No upperclassmens likes them. AT. ALL.
So I don't even bother giving 99.9% of these brats benefit of the doubt anymore. If anyone proves they're decent to me it's a BIG deal. Which is sad if you think about it. That also brings me to my real topic here.
There's an underclassmen on my bus (what is it with the bus) that I think I have a crush on. I haven't talked to her (of course) but she's really quiet i've noticed. Plus at a fire drill she was hanging around a friend of my friend so it seems like I'd get along with her. Don't you just love these secondary connections? But anyways she kinda has that Kristen Stewart with Jona Jett hair and keeps to herself. Well, on the bus at least. And I donno, OH plus cute smile (I think those are what draws me in the most). I'm kind of kicking myself that I didn't talk to her during the fire drill since she was RIGHT THERE. But I was a little busy in an argument with M about a bet we made haha. She's an underclassmen which makes me more confident around her. I'm not as shy of stumbling on my words so there's a big plus. So I think I could actually randomly turn to her and start a conversation if I ever get a chance haha. You never know, the people I really took intrest in have turned out to swing my way... so I think my -dar is somewhat functioning. Plus she smiled at me when I was finishing my play argument with a friend while walking to the bus and noticed her next to me. Could have said something then to : /
-sigh-
All these missed chances. Well my goal is to know her before the next quarter ends so we'll see how that turns out.
Alright. The biggest thing I wanted to get off my chest.
Since W isn't really taking up 99.65% of my thoughts anymore and I've somehow ended up in a class with her best friend, I've noticed things. As my dear you letters have shown, W's best friend has really caught my eye. I didn't even notice it either. I mean at first it was her saying something in class that impressed me. Then it was her humor, random phrases and then I started to notice her smile and laugh. I think it exploded from there : /
Can't say it's a bad thing though. She really is a breath of fresh air in this failing humanity. And you know with my crush (?) on her I'm not crazy jealous. Like when I thought there was a hickey on her neck it just amused me to no end. And then of course I figured out she must really have burnt herself with something because it was a real wound. But... you know I think that ultimately drew me into her is that... she's everything I expected W to be. To stay as, I should say. Because there was a point when W was like her bestfriend. I also don't want another secondary connection to W : / Because there's no telling where that'll lead to. But really what I'm worried about is the ultimate consequence of falling for, let's give her a name on here shall we? What about... C, for captivating yeah? So I'm just worried about the ultimate consequence for falling for C.
I mean she doesn't have a boyfriend (not that I know of at least) and doesn't seem to be wanting a new one anytime soon (judging from her response to a topic in class). Plus her ex was in idiot for letting go the best thing he could ever have (I knew the guy). But yeah... and I don't think the chances of her swinging my way or even halfway are greater then 0% but one can wish. But well she did randomly come up to me and grab my necklaces and asked what my rings on them were (which I thought was kind of adorable) but I'm probably reading wayyyy to into that. Eh... maybe I'll try to get to know her first. She really does seem like a good person.
Right now my best with her was on Friday. It was intersting though how she was the first one to give me the best possible topic to make my speech about even though we've never really held a proper conversation. Buttt it was probably because she was there with a mutal friend when I ranted about it (Twilight was the topic) before. Still, made me smile that it meant she remembered. So my 1 minute rant got her to die laughing which basically put a HUGE smile on my face for the rest of the day. And I wish she got a better topic since I felt she got jipped with her topics. Also you know I think because she was the one that first shot out the topic I was extra inspired. Plus becausing of it I got like a 1 minute mini convo with her after class :D another big addition to the grin on my face.
Geez I sound so smitten don't I? Haha. So it's basically C is # 1 I want to get to know but (let's call her U for underclassman) is the easiest out of the two.
Okay so there's some other things I wanna hit on real quick but don't have any energy to duelve on it xD
-House
WTF REALLY?! REALLY?! 13 IS GONE YET STILL WITH FOREMAN AND CAMERON IS OUT IN NOVEMBER?! FUCK YOU DAVID SHORE I'M DONE
-WWE
W00T YEAH MICKIE JAMES KEPT HER BELT AND WON THE MATCH ON MONDAY BEAT THAT BITCH
wow... my mind went blank on other things I wanted to hit on XD
Oh well next time haha. If something happens with U or C I'll def be back here about it xD
-SavingMidnight
End: 11:32 pm