(no subject)
Vacation: Shocking how a week of perfect bliss and happiness can come to such a sudden halt. That’s right: it was back to school for me. I find it odd how most bad things happen all at once, and good things are completely sporadic. I find it odd how I am such a different person when I don’t go to school. I find it odd how I fit so well in what I run away from; how I fit so well in what I try to avoid; I fit so well with what I disapprove.
Mom got a job cut. How can I be wanted all these things when there are other things that need to be taken care of first. I am the only one in this house who can stand up and be strong about things. I have to hide my emotions like stoicism here, to prove to my family that we’ll be ok. This is a huge hit on my mom. She works her fucking ass off. She tries so hard. And she pisses me off so much and I say I hate her and sometimes I mean it but it hurts so bad to see her hurting. I can’t be wasting my food. I can’t keep leaving the light on. Grocery shopping once a month. None of these trips to the movies. As much as I have been wanting to get out of here so bad, but I need to stay. I need to get a job, and I need to support my family. Things don’t fix with a touch of a button anymore. My dad is sitting at his computer in his ripped jeans from the 80's and an under t-shirt. i can't help but feel helpless but i hate feeling like a charity case. i feel like theres no winning anymore.
Today is Corey’s birthday. I thought a lot about the last time I saw him; how much we laughed. I remember how he laughed; I miss his laugh. I remember when we tried to stand up in these boats, and we just couldn’t balance at all. Or the time we sat in the middle of Sloper pond and told jokes for hours. I started thinking about how much I thought it was all my fault. And I thought about how much I tried to convince myself it wasn’t and how I wanted to teach myself so bad that it wasn’t my fault; I still can’t change.
I started thinking about a lot of things today that I probably shouldn’t. I keep thinking I am a burden to everyone; that I complain too much. Then I really got into thinking; for the worst. In English we’re reading Julius Caesar and one of the characters, Brutus, has a disease called stoicism, which means you show no emotions and don’t let any emotions get in the way of work, family etc. but you set out a time and a place to let your emotions go. And I am afraid I’m turning into that. And the reason it’s a disease is because people who have it, tend to end up a certain way; dead. They hold their emotions so much that they can’t handle it anymore and kill themselves. I started thinking about cutting today. To be so completely honest, I have done it twice, a year or two ago. I kept getting these notes in my locker that told me to die; to kill myself; to never show up in school again. And as more and more of them came, the more I believed them. So, I tried it. It’s the complete wrong approach but it worked the way I had planned. I made a vow to a friend, Whitney, that I would never ever do it again. And I haven’t. But this week is making me think about it. I know I can hold back, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want to; and it’s scaring me. My thoughts are killing me right now; like a nail is slowly being drilled in my heart and head; slowly, but I can feel like. Deeper and deeper. And then it’s taken out to be drilled in again; slowly, but deeper and deeper. My guidance counselor asked me if I had ever thought of cutting, or suicide, and I told her no. She asked if I had ever done it; I said no. I lied to her. The one person left that I can trust no matter what; and I lied to her. So yesterday I told her I didn’t want to talk to her again. Not in a mean way, but I think she took it that way. And it is defiantly not a smart move on my part because that’s the one thing that is helping me right now but I can’t look her in the eyes anymore. I feel terrible for lying. I know I am strong and all, but I am worried if I don’t get out of here, or do something about this; well, I don’t want to end up like Corey. I don’t want my friends crying; or hurting. And the one person who reads this is probably shocked and maybe freaking out but she needs to know she doesn’t have to. I am fine and I will make it.
I was told to be the bigger person in every situation. I don’t want to be the bigger person, but I know I have to do it. I want to give up, but everything pushes me to do it anyways. I hate life’s cycle.
I have decided to stop writing. I have no motivation for anything. I am contemplating everything lately and maybe it is just the week but we can only hope.
Joanna got me into this book; the perks of being a wallflower. I’m hoping it will help me. I love it so far.
Um, I had so much more to say; I just don’t know if I should. I don’t know how. My brain is moving faster than I can type. It always does that. I don’t know why.
I have a feeling i'm going to regret posting this one but here goes...
i'm regreting a lot. and i also hate that.
Mom got a job cut. How can I be wanted all these things when there are other things that need to be taken care of first. I am the only one in this house who can stand up and be strong about things. I have to hide my emotions like stoicism here, to prove to my family that we’ll be ok. This is a huge hit on my mom. She works her fucking ass off. She tries so hard. And she pisses me off so much and I say I hate her and sometimes I mean it but it hurts so bad to see her hurting. I can’t be wasting my food. I can’t keep leaving the light on. Grocery shopping once a month. None of these trips to the movies. As much as I have been wanting to get out of here so bad, but I need to stay. I need to get a job, and I need to support my family. Things don’t fix with a touch of a button anymore. My dad is sitting at his computer in his ripped jeans from the 80's and an under t-shirt. i can't help but feel helpless but i hate feeling like a charity case. i feel like theres no winning anymore.
Today is Corey’s birthday. I thought a lot about the last time I saw him; how much we laughed. I remember how he laughed; I miss his laugh. I remember when we tried to stand up in these boats, and we just couldn’t balance at all. Or the time we sat in the middle of Sloper pond and told jokes for hours. I started thinking about how much I thought it was all my fault. And I thought about how much I tried to convince myself it wasn’t and how I wanted to teach myself so bad that it wasn’t my fault; I still can’t change.
I started thinking about a lot of things today that I probably shouldn’t. I keep thinking I am a burden to everyone; that I complain too much. Then I really got into thinking; for the worst. In English we’re reading Julius Caesar and one of the characters, Brutus, has a disease called stoicism, which means you show no emotions and don’t let any emotions get in the way of work, family etc. but you set out a time and a place to let your emotions go. And I am afraid I’m turning into that. And the reason it’s a disease is because people who have it, tend to end up a certain way; dead. They hold their emotions so much that they can’t handle it anymore and kill themselves. I started thinking about cutting today. To be so completely honest, I have done it twice, a year or two ago. I kept getting these notes in my locker that told me to die; to kill myself; to never show up in school again. And as more and more of them came, the more I believed them. So, I tried it. It’s the complete wrong approach but it worked the way I had planned. I made a vow to a friend, Whitney, that I would never ever do it again. And I haven’t. But this week is making me think about it. I know I can hold back, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want to; and it’s scaring me. My thoughts are killing me right now; like a nail is slowly being drilled in my heart and head; slowly, but I can feel like. Deeper and deeper. And then it’s taken out to be drilled in again; slowly, but deeper and deeper. My guidance counselor asked me if I had ever thought of cutting, or suicide, and I told her no. She asked if I had ever done it; I said no. I lied to her. The one person left that I can trust no matter what; and I lied to her. So yesterday I told her I didn’t want to talk to her again. Not in a mean way, but I think she took it that way. And it is defiantly not a smart move on my part because that’s the one thing that is helping me right now but I can’t look her in the eyes anymore. I feel terrible for lying. I know I am strong and all, but I am worried if I don’t get out of here, or do something about this; well, I don’t want to end up like Corey. I don’t want my friends crying; or hurting. And the one person who reads this is probably shocked and maybe freaking out but she needs to know she doesn’t have to. I am fine and I will make it.
I was told to be the bigger person in every situation. I don’t want to be the bigger person, but I know I have to do it. I want to give up, but everything pushes me to do it anyways. I hate life’s cycle.
I have decided to stop writing. I have no motivation for anything. I am contemplating everything lately and maybe it is just the week but we can only hope.
Joanna got me into this book; the perks of being a wallflower. I’m hoping it will help me. I love it so far.
Um, I had so much more to say; I just don’t know if I should. I don’t know how. My brain is moving faster than I can type. It always does that. I don’t know why.
I have a feeling i'm going to regret posting this one but here goes...
i'm regreting a lot. and i also hate that.