Posts of Old...
Angst, angst, angst... I found an old journal entry from a diary I was keeping late last summer. It was something short and angsty, but around this time of the month, I'm always thinking about it. Don't click the expansion if you don't want to deal with my dramas.
Sunday April 4, 2010
Cousin Tina asked me one how I felt about this whole "Family Feud" business. I remember that it was one of the first times my family traveled to Dallas without the intention of seeing our whole family- Just the part of it that still spoke to us. I must have been a freshman in college at UT. My sister and I were tossing rings at the booth in the State Fair and Tina just asked, "So, what do you girls think of thes whole feud thing?" She pitched her voice casually, like she was asking me what I thought of the lovely weather, or something else mundane.
I couldn't tell if Brianna was as shocked by the question. She did answer though, she said, "It's so stupid! I shich they'd all stop acting like children!"
The sentiment was one we shared. I didn't know how to feel, my mouth didn't say anything, and Tina dropped it.
No one's ever asked me that question ever again. By now, the moment of asking has passed, the time when things might have been resolved is over.
I still think about what could happen- how I would react if the impossible happened, how I would react if someone, anyone, stood up and said, "I'm sorry."
I always assume that they never think about me- about how I feel. I'm not sure if I think that so I can justify telling them how I feel, being cruel to them as I feel they have been to me, or if believing they felt too ashamed to speak to me would or could help me to forgive.
The thing is, I understand. Feed your family, provide for them, priorities. Did they think I couldn't understand that much? Maybe not at the time, but I understand it now.
The entry ends there. I'm fairly sure I meant to keep writing, but reading it now, I like how it ends. I'm still dealing with my family stuff, so I'm still thinking of the 'what ifs' and 'eventually', but this much is true. And that's part of what kills me. It's all true.
Sunday April 4, 2010
Cousin Tina asked me one how I felt about this whole "Family Feud" business. I remember that it was one of the first times my family traveled to Dallas without the intention of seeing our whole family- Just the part of it that still spoke to us. I must have been a freshman in college at UT. My sister and I were tossing rings at the booth in the State Fair and Tina just asked, "So, what do you girls think of thes whole feud thing?" She pitched her voice casually, like she was asking me what I thought of the lovely weather, or something else mundane.
I couldn't tell if Brianna was as shocked by the question. She did answer though, she said, "It's so stupid! I shich they'd all stop acting like children!"
The sentiment was one we shared. I didn't know how to feel, my mouth didn't say anything, and Tina dropped it.
No one's ever asked me that question ever again. By now, the moment of asking has passed, the time when things might have been resolved is over.
I still think about what could happen- how I would react if the impossible happened, how I would react if someone, anyone, stood up and said, "I'm sorry."
I always assume that they never think about me- about how I feel. I'm not sure if I think that so I can justify telling them how I feel, being cruel to them as I feel they have been to me, or if believing they felt too ashamed to speak to me would or could help me to forgive.
The thing is, I understand. Feed your family, provide for them, priorities. Did they think I couldn't understand that much? Maybe not at the time, but I understand it now.
The entry ends there. I'm fairly sure I meant to keep writing, but reading it now, I like how it ends. I'm still dealing with my family stuff, so I'm still thinking of the 'what ifs' and 'eventually', but this much is true. And that's part of what kills me. It's all true.