no, NO songs, only worry.
So as I stare down the barrel of a consultative exam for Social Security disability, I have not been able to stop thinking about what disability even is. I've tried my best to get to the lifestyle it seems like everyone else can do-not that it's not effort for them, they're just not ... completely shattered by it like I am????
I'm having a lot of "do I even qualify" thoughts, like "maybe everyone else around me can see i'm not disabled and so i'm just imagining it."
If my experience is that no matter how hard I try, I literally cannot sustain the work options available to me, due to (a partial list off the top of my head of the worst problems)
* severe and somewhat unpredictable yet regular mental/emotional breakdowns which come with uncontrollable crying, occasional screaming and flailing ('meltdowns'?)
* inability to communicate respectfully with authority figures, especially when there's an expectation of punishment
* dissociation from, y'know, this reality to the point where I regularly don't remember what day it is
* incredible exhaustion from tasks most people consider 'normal' (i.e. going to the grocery store, talking to strangers, an 8 hour shift)
BUT so many people who know me in an acquaintance sort of way think I totally can handle this stuff--
is it possible that I'm actually not ill and it's just that I'm... ______________ (I don't know what that blank is, maybe malingering? enjoying not 'having' to work? or giving up too soon?)
I'm so in my own head about this I would really welcome some outside input. Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.
I'm having a lot of "do I even qualify" thoughts, like "maybe everyone else around me can see i'm not disabled and so i'm just imagining it."
If my experience is that no matter how hard I try, I literally cannot sustain the work options available to me, due to (a partial list off the top of my head of the worst problems)
* severe and somewhat unpredictable yet regular mental/emotional breakdowns which come with uncontrollable crying, occasional screaming and flailing ('meltdowns'?)
* inability to communicate respectfully with authority figures, especially when there's an expectation of punishment
* dissociation from, y'know, this reality to the point where I regularly don't remember what day it is
* incredible exhaustion from tasks most people consider 'normal' (i.e. going to the grocery store, talking to strangers, an 8 hour shift)
BUT so many people who know me in an acquaintance sort of way think I totally can handle this stuff--
is it possible that I'm actually not ill and it's just that I'm... ______________ (I don't know what that blank is, maybe malingering? enjoying not 'having' to work? or giving up too soon?)
I'm so in my own head about this I would really welcome some outside input. Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.