you can call me queen bee, and baby, i'll rule {let me live that fantasy}
The thing about being an adult is that I have no one to blame for all of this.
I have drunk 3/4ths of a liter of rum in the last week, which I would be concerned about more if I were out of rum. I am not, so it's fine.
While I have been drinking, I have chosen to go through my time binge watching New Girl, which I find very funny because I'm a girl who likes cute things and no, I don't think it's setting women back 50 years, OKAY, that is an actual thing that an actual friend of mine said to me about New Girl--
and eating candy.
It's not leftover from Halloween. It's just candy. I buy myself candy. And then I eat it. I ate a ten pack of SUPERMAN TAFFY from the Dollar Store today. Yesterday Josh and I watched Thor when the movie tickets were on sale, because I'm that boring, and I ate sour candy canes (also from the dollar store) I am shit at budgeting but we probably could afford it, I think, so that's fine, but I threw the candy cane carrier into his car--and how weird is it that I can start buying candy canes BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY NOW?--and he yelled at me and I thought it was funny. I still think it's funny--
and I turned 28.
I had a cheesecake, split it with Josh, because it's his birthday too, and it's not that weird really if you think about it, there's a whole theorem about people sharing birthdays actually because it turns out the number of people that you need to have in a room before the likelihood of one of them sharing a birthday with another one is over 50% (or a large number) is fairly low, like 30. I think I told my therapist 34. But saying to people "it's my birthday, and it's my boyfriend's birthday too!" is amazing.
I introduced Josh as my fiance to my uncle & aunt in front of my parents.
That happened last Friday, and I didn't even have to warn my mom and dad beforehand, they pretty much just "yeah whatever"ed, it's weird, it makes me think about this whole lying thing that people seem to do so casually, and Josh is in the bedroom sleeping and that's lying too, but it's different. People say "oh, yes, well" and that's a lie too, but it's okay, so one is good and the other is bad and I just want to stop lying altogether, because it's a gateway drug for me. I don't get addicted very easily but lying is so easy to make a habit of, for me, we call it the full John, after one of Josh's dad's friends.
Josh's grandmother died.
So we went down to where they live, and every time his aunt introduced us, she would say "This is Josh, and his ... friend ... Erika" and after the twenty or twenty-first time, I know it wasn't my show, but goddamn did I ever feel like saying WOMAN, I CLEAN THIS MAN'S TOILET, STOP CALLING ME HIS FRIEND. He put his fist through a window-that happened, yeah, and I stay up almost every night while he's sleeping because my body hates me, but I like to look at him every so often and remember how much I love him. I'm glad I got to meet his grandmother before she left us, because I miss mine very much.
I keep an appreciation journal.
It helps me remember that things were bad and now they're good, mostly, and maybe they'll be bad again but maybe it's all in how I look at it. I miss the girl who Josh and I are kind of dating; she's incredibly busy right now. Let's call her Elle, because she deserves the safety of anonymity even if she doesn't want it. I told Elle that I love her, and Josh gave her a darling nickname, and I'm jealous of that, but mostly I just wish things were easier on her, because it's so hard for her right now and I wish things were different.
I want to protect her.
I love her, I love talking to her and telling her secrets but it's different now, that we're dating and not just friends, because before I would've joked about her lending me money and now I feel like that's not safe for me to joke about because it has all these implications I'm not comfortable with, and whereas before I would've told her about how much I liked this new girl and how strange it is to be polyamorous, what does that even mean if everyone defines it differently, I don't know how to really be honest or to feel trust in someone else--and we would have laughed about it, and she would have agreed with me, and now it's strange and ... stilted? Maybe not, but certainly different. It took us awhile to find our rhythm when we first became friends and I think I can wait for it to happen again. I want this so badly, I can taste it sometimes, the sea salt air and fog and dogs and laughter.
Life moves pretty fast sometimes. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you might miss it.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.
I have drunk 3/4ths of a liter of rum in the last week, which I would be concerned about more if I were out of rum. I am not, so it's fine.
While I have been drinking, I have chosen to go through my time binge watching New Girl, which I find very funny because I'm a girl who likes cute things and no, I don't think it's setting women back 50 years, OKAY, that is an actual thing that an actual friend of mine said to me about New Girl--
and eating candy.
It's not leftover from Halloween. It's just candy. I buy myself candy. And then I eat it. I ate a ten pack of SUPERMAN TAFFY from the Dollar Store today. Yesterday Josh and I watched Thor when the movie tickets were on sale, because I'm that boring, and I ate sour candy canes (also from the dollar store) I am shit at budgeting but we probably could afford it, I think, so that's fine, but I threw the candy cane carrier into his car--and how weird is it that I can start buying candy canes BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY NOW?--and he yelled at me and I thought it was funny. I still think it's funny--
and I turned 28.
I had a cheesecake, split it with Josh, because it's his birthday too, and it's not that weird really if you think about it, there's a whole theorem about people sharing birthdays actually because it turns out the number of people that you need to have in a room before the likelihood of one of them sharing a birthday with another one is over 50% (or a large number) is fairly low, like 30. I think I told my therapist 34. But saying to people "it's my birthday, and it's my boyfriend's birthday too!" is amazing.
I introduced Josh as my fiance to my uncle & aunt in front of my parents.
That happened last Friday, and I didn't even have to warn my mom and dad beforehand, they pretty much just "yeah whatever"ed, it's weird, it makes me think about this whole lying thing that people seem to do so casually, and Josh is in the bedroom sleeping and that's lying too, but it's different. People say "oh, yes, well" and that's a lie too, but it's okay, so one is good and the other is bad and I just want to stop lying altogether, because it's a gateway drug for me. I don't get addicted very easily but lying is so easy to make a habit of, for me, we call it the full John, after one of Josh's dad's friends.
Josh's grandmother died.
So we went down to where they live, and every time his aunt introduced us, she would say "This is Josh, and his ... friend ... Erika" and after the twenty or twenty-first time, I know it wasn't my show, but goddamn did I ever feel like saying WOMAN, I CLEAN THIS MAN'S TOILET, STOP CALLING ME HIS FRIEND. He put his fist through a window-that happened, yeah, and I stay up almost every night while he's sleeping because my body hates me, but I like to look at him every so often and remember how much I love him. I'm glad I got to meet his grandmother before she left us, because I miss mine very much.
I keep an appreciation journal.
It helps me remember that things were bad and now they're good, mostly, and maybe they'll be bad again but maybe it's all in how I look at it. I miss the girl who Josh and I are kind of dating; she's incredibly busy right now. Let's call her Elle, because she deserves the safety of anonymity even if she doesn't want it. I told Elle that I love her, and Josh gave her a darling nickname, and I'm jealous of that, but mostly I just wish things were easier on her, because it's so hard for her right now and I wish things were different.
I want to protect her.
I love her, I love talking to her and telling her secrets but it's different now, that we're dating and not just friends, because before I would've joked about her lending me money and now I feel like that's not safe for me to joke about because it has all these implications I'm not comfortable with, and whereas before I would've told her about how much I liked this new girl and how strange it is to be polyamorous, what does that even mean if everyone defines it differently, I don't know how to really be honest or to feel trust in someone else--and we would have laughed about it, and she would have agreed with me, and now it's strange and ... stilted? Maybe not, but certainly different. It took us awhile to find our rhythm when we first became friends and I think I can wait for it to happen again. I want this so badly, I can taste it sometimes, the sea salt air and fog and dogs and laughter.
Life moves pretty fast sometimes. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you might miss it.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.