'cause sometimes you'll find that i'm out of my mind
Therapy is ... kinda weird, to be honest.
Right now? It's rough. It's hard. It's not enjoyable or something I really look forward to.
But I still walk out of there feeling calmer, lighter, and --not necessarily more IN CONTROL RAWR but ... I have this feeling of equanimity, like I can view my life holistically and not splitting it down into tiny problems that then I then magnify 1000x so that they take over my metaphorical computer life monitor.
Some of the arguments in my head in the last hour:
Can someone who truly believes "there are two ways to do things around the house, my way and the wrong way" (POSSIBLY a manifestation of Pure O OCD in this case) and someone with severe ADHD who literally does not notice large amounts of dishes piling up ever co-exist without drama? Because I really hate drama.
(WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS WHEN I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH JOSH ANYTIME SOON. WHYYYYYYY. ALSO, was anyone even fooled by me taking out the genders of the people above, because I think it's pretty obvious that I'm the one who thinks there's my way and the wrong way there.)
Am I actually bisexual or am I just like, biromantic and heterosexual? What does this even mean? I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST MAKING UP WORDS NOW. Also why is this important? It's not important, right, unless I'm single and trying to figure out if I should be dating dudes or ladies or whomever. Right? RIGHT? Is my orientation important? Does it actually matter now or in the future?! But wait, am I bisexual or biromantic?! MAYBE I'M JUST REALLY SLUTTY AND I'M OKAY IF THAT'S THE CASE, BUT I WANT TO KNOW.
(Is this even important? MIND, WHY ARE WE WASTING PROCESSOR CYCLES ON PINNING DOWN IDENTITY WHEN IT'S PRETTY MUCH IRRELEVANT.)
If my voice is so much better in autobiographical pieces (which is what my writing tutor told me) should I just give up trying to write fiction and stick with what I'm good at? But maybe I'm good at it because I've been writing online for 14 years (jesus christ that's a fucking long time) and I shouldn't give up on eventually being good at writing fiction if I practice? But also I don't want to be that one person who became a "fiction writer" by writing thinly veiled novels about her own life so...
(Psst, this is an actual writer. Who gets novels on best-seller lists. Seriously, they're all VERY THINLY DISGUISED "secretly" about her. OLD SCHOOL JOURNALLERS, YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN.)
Is it wrong of me to give people I know really well free passes on potentially -ist stuff they're saying because I know them so well that it's obvious they don't mean it that way? For example, if
panda called someone a feminazi, would I be as upset with her as I was with Josh? Probably not, no. Does that make me a bad person!? Is it okay to make jokes about one's own ethnicity, gender, etc? Oh goddddddd why am I even thinking about this whyyyyyyyyyyyyy this is a swirling vortex of horror--
(I don't believe in god so I should probably stop saying "oh god" and "jesus christ" but "oh universe" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.)
The worst part about having all these arguments in my head right now (I'm pretty sure they've always been there but I'm just paying more attention now, I guess) is that people keep asking me questions and while trying to come up with an answer, I drift off thinking about the myriad arguments I could make for various answers.
SERIOUSLY. For god's sake, don't ask me "how are you" because if you're lucky, I will probably respond 20 minutes later with "survey says I have no idea, how are you?"
Also I want to confess that I wrote the first part of this entry last Tuesday after therapy (in other words FIVE DAYS AGO), and then I was going to write an entire entry about therapy, but ... I did not, and the next day ALL OF THE THOUGHTS I HAD about therapy were gone, like they'd been sucked down the garbage disposal in my head.
Noooooooo, there was a metal spoon in thereeeeeeeeeeeee! AHHHHHHHHH!
CHUNK CHUNK FLRREWWWWNG.
GET DOWN, OH MY GOD-- DUUUUUUCK.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.
Right now? It's rough. It's hard. It's not enjoyable or something I really look forward to.
But I still walk out of there feeling calmer, lighter, and --not necessarily more IN CONTROL RAWR but ... I have this feeling of equanimity, like I can view my life holistically and not splitting it down into tiny problems that then I then magnify 1000x so that they take over my metaphorical computer life monitor.
Some of the arguments in my head in the last hour:
Can someone who truly believes "there are two ways to do things around the house, my way and the wrong way" (POSSIBLY a manifestation of Pure O OCD in this case) and someone with severe ADHD who literally does not notice large amounts of dishes piling up ever co-exist without drama? Because I really hate drama.
(WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS WHEN I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH JOSH ANYTIME SOON. WHYYYYYYY. ALSO, was anyone even fooled by me taking out the genders of the people above, because I think it's pretty obvious that I'm the one who thinks there's my way and the wrong way there.)
Am I actually bisexual or am I just like, biromantic and heterosexual? What does this even mean? I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST MAKING UP WORDS NOW. Also why is this important? It's not important, right, unless I'm single and trying to figure out if I should be dating dudes or ladies or whomever. Right? RIGHT? Is my orientation important? Does it actually matter now or in the future?! But wait, am I bisexual or biromantic?! MAYBE I'M JUST REALLY SLUTTY AND I'M OKAY IF THAT'S THE CASE, BUT I WANT TO KNOW.
(Is this even important? MIND, WHY ARE WE WASTING PROCESSOR CYCLES ON PINNING DOWN IDENTITY WHEN IT'S PRETTY MUCH IRRELEVANT.)
If my voice is so much better in autobiographical pieces (which is what my writing tutor told me) should I just give up trying to write fiction and stick with what I'm good at? But maybe I'm good at it because I've been writing online for 14 years (jesus christ that's a fucking long time) and I shouldn't give up on eventually being good at writing fiction if I practice? But also I don't want to be that one person who became a "fiction writer" by writing thinly veiled novels about her own life so...
(Psst, this is an actual writer. Who gets novels on best-seller lists. Seriously, they're all VERY THINLY DISGUISED "secretly" about her. OLD SCHOOL JOURNALLERS, YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN.)
Is it wrong of me to give people I know really well free passes on potentially -ist stuff they're saying because I know them so well that it's obvious they don't mean it that way? For example, if
panda called someone a feminazi, would I be as upset with her as I was with Josh? Probably not, no. Does that make me a bad person!? Is it okay to make jokes about one's own ethnicity, gender, etc? Oh goddddddd why am I even thinking about this whyyyyyyyyyyyyy this is a swirling vortex of horror--
(I don't believe in god so I should probably stop saying "oh god" and "jesus christ" but "oh universe" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.)
The worst part about having all these arguments in my head right now (I'm pretty sure they've always been there but I'm just paying more attention now, I guess) is that people keep asking me questions and while trying to come up with an answer, I drift off thinking about the myriad arguments I could make for various answers.
SERIOUSLY. For god's sake, don't ask me "how are you" because if you're lucky, I will probably respond 20 minutes later with "survey says I have no idea, how are you?"
Also I want to confess that I wrote the first part of this entry last Tuesday after therapy (in other words FIVE DAYS AGO), and then I was going to write an entire entry about therapy, but ... I did not, and the next day ALL OF THE THOUGHTS I HAD about therapy were gone, like they'd been sucked down the garbage disposal in my head.
Noooooooo, there was a metal spoon in thereeeeeeeeeeeee! AHHHHHHHHH!
CHUNK CHUNK FLRREWWWWNG.
GET DOWN, OH MY GOD-- DUUUUUUCK.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.