let go
Surgery went well. Healing's supposedly going well. Have to change bandages twice a day. Have a nurse coming to my house to redo the dressing in the mornings when my mom would have to get up too damn early to do it. Mom's doing the dressing in the evenings.
I'm worried about scarring, etc. What if my breast feels different afterwards? I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Have a doctor's appt tomorrow, early.
(By the way, if I'm leaving weirdass comments, it's not you, it's me. I'm on Percocet and seriously, I go to comment on entries and find I already have but I don't remember. It's weird as hell.)
This entry is hard to write, for some reason. I feel ... adrift, on a sea of relentless emotion, in a paddleboat. I've never even been on a paddleboat, that's how adrift I am.
Had therapy today and we talked about the different parts of myself-the "functioner", the "compassionate", and the "giver-upper" or as I later decided to rename it more optimistically, the "Buddha nature."
Functioner does stuff, follows rules, is very rigid & unbending, likes to correct people. Compassionate would spend all her time making sure everyone else is okay and helping other people if I let myself, also hates confrontation. Buddha-nature likes to step back and think about things, but can get very easily drawn into pacification of self and depression.
Key being, of course, moderation, and not to get too drawn into one role or rule-balance is the fulcrum around which a stable life rests.
Looking back, it's obvious to me that I used to be ... unbalanced. Severely so. Even now, it's seductive-to lose myself in passion for someone, or something-even just to fully and wholeheartedly submit to a role, one of the parts of myself.
So this whole balance thing is much easier said than done, but they say admitting it is the first step, don't they?
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.
I'm worried about scarring, etc. What if my breast feels different afterwards? I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Have a doctor's appt tomorrow, early.
(By the way, if I'm leaving weirdass comments, it's not you, it's me. I'm on Percocet and seriously, I go to comment on entries and find I already have but I don't remember. It's weird as hell.)
This entry is hard to write, for some reason. I feel ... adrift, on a sea of relentless emotion, in a paddleboat. I've never even been on a paddleboat, that's how adrift I am.
Had therapy today and we talked about the different parts of myself-the "functioner", the "compassionate", and the "giver-upper" or as I later decided to rename it more optimistically, the "Buddha nature."
Functioner does stuff, follows rules, is very rigid & unbending, likes to correct people. Compassionate would spend all her time making sure everyone else is okay and helping other people if I let myself, also hates confrontation. Buddha-nature likes to step back and think about things, but can get very easily drawn into pacification of self and depression.
Key being, of course, moderation, and not to get too drawn into one role or rule-balance is the fulcrum around which a stable life rests.
Looking back, it's obvious to me that I used to be ... unbalanced. Severely so. Even now, it's seductive-to lose myself in passion for someone, or something-even just to fully and wholeheartedly submit to a role, one of the parts of myself.
So this whole balance thing is much easier said than done, but they say admitting it is the first step, don't they?
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.