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I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I love Tuesdays.
Part of it is due to the fact that I don't have class until 2pm, and then I have my favorite class at night, but I think it is also the result of a mental choice to let Tuesdays be the day that I don't worry or stress about anything. I'm not sure why I can't do that EVERY day, but I think limiting it to Tuesdays is still a good start.
So...how's life friends? I feel a little out of touch lately...
I've been stressed lately, and this week is a crazy one..but after it's over, I intend to get back caught up academically and socially.
So for those of you who have been asking about Mema, she is still in ICU for now, has a fever that comes and goes, and her pain level has been high lately..she seems to be getting weaker to me, but the doctors haven't shown much concern. Doctors are dumb, I'm skeptical.
Going to the hospital over the weekend was definitely hard on me. Thank God she's in Rex, the one hospital where Thomas never was for more than a night or two...but still, hospitals have a universal smell and feel and sound. Seeing families sitting together outside of an ICU room, teary eyed and with the appearance that they had not slept in days, absolutely broke my heart. Staying in Mema's room alone, while she whimpered in pain...with those steady beeping machines, and the hum of others...ugh. I don't think I can be a nurse. It hurts too much to go back, and I honestly don't know if I could make it through my first day of clinicals, my first week of clinicals...my first year...etc. I don't WANT to learn to become emotionally unattached..to not feel the pain of a patient or the grief of their family. I don't know if I could deal with becoming hardened enough so that I could maintain a professional demeanor. And I definitely don't want to spend another day of my life not crying until nobody is around. The lump in your throat that chokes and suffocates you...can't deal with it.
Not that I've made up my mind...I'm just saying.
So tomorrow I have poli sci, then a french test, then after anatomy I'm heading straight for Wake Forest, to work at the studio until 8 or 9, and then drive back here. Thursday, I'm going to skip philosophy and head to Wake Forest right after my lab, and work until 9 or so. Friday, I'll head home with Mack and Lisa in tow once we're all done with classes for the day, probably spend some time at the hospital...saturday who knows, Sunday church and lunch at Nana's house, then back here for the superbowl and another week. I have at least 3 tests next week, so hopefully I will get to study while working..but who knows. It's going to be busy.
I'm tired just thinking about it..but it's gonna be good. God has been really great lately, teaching me a lot and encouraging me through answered prayers...I really can't complain about anything right now, and that's really really nice.
So now, I'm going to go get myself a mocha, then head to english and end my Tuesday happily.
The End.
I can't sleep. I can't rest. I can't study.
My brain won't stop...it's processing over and over the thoughts and conversations and worries of the day and week, and I'm going crazy. I absolutely cannot find the peace that I need to sleep right now, or to feel better.
So far this week has been awful, and I've done a lot of crying, had a lot of headaches and heartaches, and very little sleep. Academically, I'm suffering because I can't focus. I want so badly to do well this semester, and yet my brain just seems determined to reject any new information. I want to sleep at night, but my body won't cease to be restless and my mind to take a break from its busy work.
I'm trying not to worry about Mema, but it isn't working. She is still in ICU, having a lot of episodes of extremely rapid heartbeats, her incision is constantly leaking a great deal of fluid, she can't be fed any other way that through her IV, and she is in more pain than ever before...which for her is more than most people ever know. Rara hasn't slept much, relaxed or played golf...and most of my family members are emotionally really strung out over this. I wish I could be there for my sister, and Rara, and whoever else needs encouragement. I need encouragement.
I'm not happy here.
I don't know why really...maybe it's something wrong with me. I miss the way things were, and the way I thought they would be.
I miss the dance studio. More than anything I miss the hugs and smiles. There is a definite lack of hugs and smiles in my days now. I miss dancing when I feel like crying. It's a lot harder to cope now. I miss late night trips to Wendy's with Rachel and sitting in the Kroger parking lot discussing life. I miss Matthew pestering me to play with him, or telling me random facts about Star Wars that mean absolutely nothing to me, other than that he loves it and I love him. I miss the words of wisdom from Mary-Taylor and Stephie that were constantly imparted on me throughout each week. I miss my church, and the wonderful people there who know me so well. I miss late night phone conversations. I miss walking down my road and lying on the driveway looking at the stars. I miss innocence.
But I'm finding brokenness again. It's not always a bad thing, it just hurts a lot. I'm feeling pretty unreachable again...but I know that isn't the case. I need to read Psalm 139 and sleep. I need solace. And I'm sorry...to so many of you.
Mema has only been gone for three days, and I already miss her so much.
It hasn't really sunk in yet that she's gone for good...tonight we were all having dinner at their house and I was sitting in the den by her chair, thinking of the last time I was there with her sitting beside me making Christmas ornaments...and it felt so weird to know that I will never hear her voice, or see her smile anymore. I wish so much that I had spent more time with her like she always wanted me to. I wish I had taught her to make a rose out of icing for her cakes like I promised her. I wish we had never fought this year.
Watching her dying was so hard. Seeing Rara look at her for the last time, hearing Barbara tell her that she didn't have to keep holding on for us, and Jordan sobbing as she said that Mema was her best friend, and she just wanted her to be there to see Jordan walk down the aisle...it just hurts. I hated to see Matthew experiencing the pain of death so young...I don't want him to know that kind of pain yet, or ever really.
We all know that she's in heaven, and that she will never hurt or be sick again. I know that she is with her parents that we all miss, and with Thomas again. It's just not going to be the same without her.
She was so amazing...she would do anything for anyone, and give everything she had to anyone who would ask. She was so strong; she definitely held our family together. Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving are going to be so different, so hard. Nobody makes the food quite as good as Mema's, nobody makes us laugh like she always did when she was irritated at Rara. Nobody can take care of us like Mema. I will miss her stories and the wisdom she always had for me...she taught me so much about love and faith and people.
But once again I am finding my way through the hurt. I know that the death of someone you love is not something you ever get over; it's something that you get through one day at a time, one anniversary, one memory, one breakdown...one at a time. It's hard to be going through this all again...it keeps bringing up painful memories from when Thomas died. Satan is definitely working hard to tear me down and pile this onto the struggles I've already been having. I'm having a hard time...I don't really know how to deal with this, and catch up in school, and work through the things in my spiritual life that have been really bothering me lately. I'm so overwhelmed, and I feel really alone...but I know that God will not give me more than I can handle, and that all this comes to strengthen my faith. It's going to take a lot of hard days, and long nights lying awake...but I will get through it one day at a time.
In the meantime, prayers and hugs and "hey, let's go get coffee"s are very welcome...I need to know people are there for me when others keep letting me down. I just need to quit letting myself down.
Part of it is due to the fact that I don't have class until 2pm, and then I have my favorite class at night, but I think it is also the result of a mental choice to let Tuesdays be the day that I don't worry or stress about anything. I'm not sure why I can't do that EVERY day, but I think limiting it to Tuesdays is still a good start.
So...how's life friends? I feel a little out of touch lately...
I've been stressed lately, and this week is a crazy one..but after it's over, I intend to get back caught up academically and socially.
So for those of you who have been asking about Mema, she is still in ICU for now, has a fever that comes and goes, and her pain level has been high lately..she seems to be getting weaker to me, but the doctors haven't shown much concern. Doctors are dumb, I'm skeptical.
Going to the hospital over the weekend was definitely hard on me. Thank God she's in Rex, the one hospital where Thomas never was for more than a night or two...but still, hospitals have a universal smell and feel and sound. Seeing families sitting together outside of an ICU room, teary eyed and with the appearance that they had not slept in days, absolutely broke my heart. Staying in Mema's room alone, while she whimpered in pain...with those steady beeping machines, and the hum of others...ugh. I don't think I can be a nurse. It hurts too much to go back, and I honestly don't know if I could make it through my first day of clinicals, my first week of clinicals...my first year...etc. I don't WANT to learn to become emotionally unattached..to not feel the pain of a patient or the grief of their family. I don't know if I could deal with becoming hardened enough so that I could maintain a professional demeanor. And I definitely don't want to spend another day of my life not crying until nobody is around. The lump in your throat that chokes and suffocates you...can't deal with it.
Not that I've made up my mind...I'm just saying.
So tomorrow I have poli sci, then a french test, then after anatomy I'm heading straight for Wake Forest, to work at the studio until 8 or 9, and then drive back here. Thursday, I'm going to skip philosophy and head to Wake Forest right after my lab, and work until 9 or so. Friday, I'll head home with Mack and Lisa in tow once we're all done with classes for the day, probably spend some time at the hospital...saturday who knows, Sunday church and lunch at Nana's house, then back here for the superbowl and another week. I have at least 3 tests next week, so hopefully I will get to study while working..but who knows. It's going to be busy.
I'm tired just thinking about it..but it's gonna be good. God has been really great lately, teaching me a lot and encouraging me through answered prayers...I really can't complain about anything right now, and that's really really nice.
So now, I'm going to go get myself a mocha, then head to english and end my Tuesday happily.
The End.
I can't sleep. I can't rest. I can't study.
My brain won't stop...it's processing over and over the thoughts and conversations and worries of the day and week, and I'm going crazy. I absolutely cannot find the peace that I need to sleep right now, or to feel better.
So far this week has been awful, and I've done a lot of crying, had a lot of headaches and heartaches, and very little sleep. Academically, I'm suffering because I can't focus. I want so badly to do well this semester, and yet my brain just seems determined to reject any new information. I want to sleep at night, but my body won't cease to be restless and my mind to take a break from its busy work.
I'm trying not to worry about Mema, but it isn't working. She is still in ICU, having a lot of episodes of extremely rapid heartbeats, her incision is constantly leaking a great deal of fluid, she can't be fed any other way that through her IV, and she is in more pain than ever before...which for her is more than most people ever know. Rara hasn't slept much, relaxed or played golf...and most of my family members are emotionally really strung out over this. I wish I could be there for my sister, and Rara, and whoever else needs encouragement. I need encouragement.
I'm not happy here.
I don't know why really...maybe it's something wrong with me. I miss the way things were, and the way I thought they would be.
I miss the dance studio. More than anything I miss the hugs and smiles. There is a definite lack of hugs and smiles in my days now. I miss dancing when I feel like crying. It's a lot harder to cope now. I miss late night trips to Wendy's with Rachel and sitting in the Kroger parking lot discussing life. I miss Matthew pestering me to play with him, or telling me random facts about Star Wars that mean absolutely nothing to me, other than that he loves it and I love him. I miss the words of wisdom from Mary-Taylor and Stephie that were constantly imparted on me throughout each week. I miss my church, and the wonderful people there who know me so well. I miss late night phone conversations. I miss walking down my road and lying on the driveway looking at the stars. I miss innocence.
But I'm finding brokenness again. It's not always a bad thing, it just hurts a lot. I'm feeling pretty unreachable again...but I know that isn't the case. I need to read Psalm 139 and sleep. I need solace. And I'm sorry...to so many of you.
Mema has only been gone for three days, and I already miss her so much.
It hasn't really sunk in yet that she's gone for good...tonight we were all having dinner at their house and I was sitting in the den by her chair, thinking of the last time I was there with her sitting beside me making Christmas ornaments...and it felt so weird to know that I will never hear her voice, or see her smile anymore. I wish so much that I had spent more time with her like she always wanted me to. I wish I had taught her to make a rose out of icing for her cakes like I promised her. I wish we had never fought this year.
Watching her dying was so hard. Seeing Rara look at her for the last time, hearing Barbara tell her that she didn't have to keep holding on for us, and Jordan sobbing as she said that Mema was her best friend, and she just wanted her to be there to see Jordan walk down the aisle...it just hurts. I hated to see Matthew experiencing the pain of death so young...I don't want him to know that kind of pain yet, or ever really.
We all know that she's in heaven, and that she will never hurt or be sick again. I know that she is with her parents that we all miss, and with Thomas again. It's just not going to be the same without her.
She was so amazing...she would do anything for anyone, and give everything she had to anyone who would ask. She was so strong; she definitely held our family together. Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving are going to be so different, so hard. Nobody makes the food quite as good as Mema's, nobody makes us laugh like she always did when she was irritated at Rara. Nobody can take care of us like Mema. I will miss her stories and the wisdom she always had for me...she taught me so much about love and faith and people.
But once again I am finding my way through the hurt. I know that the death of someone you love is not something you ever get over; it's something that you get through one day at a time, one anniversary, one memory, one breakdown...one at a time. It's hard to be going through this all again...it keeps bringing up painful memories from when Thomas died. Satan is definitely working hard to tear me down and pile this onto the struggles I've already been having. I'm having a hard time...I don't really know how to deal with this, and catch up in school, and work through the things in my spiritual life that have been really bothering me lately. I'm so overwhelmed, and I feel really alone...but I know that God will not give me more than I can handle, and that all this comes to strengthen my faith. It's going to take a lot of hard days, and long nights lying awake...but I will get through it one day at a time.
In the meantime, prayers and hugs and "hey, let's go get coffee"s are very welcome...I need to know people are there for me when others keep letting me down. I just need to quit letting myself down.