Labyrinth
So, I just came on here to write something, and I got distracted by this ad on the side of my screen. It features a really slutty-looking girl flopping her chest out towards me with an "I Love Lamp" t-shirt on. So, basically, www.snorgtees.com took a hilarious scene from an equally-hilarious movie and made it slutty. Grrrrreat. No, really, I love that. It's wonderful. How many sluts do you see wearing snortgtees? Really. Whose eyes is www.snorgtees.com trying to pull the wool over? We all know the people who wear t-shirts like these. The kid with the lanyard bracelet who wears an "I am McLovin" shirt... that was hilarious when we all saw it over the summer, but honestly. No one's laughing when you pay $16 to put that on a shirt. And the girl who plays the clarinet who is friends with guys who play World of Warcraft wearing the "textually active ;)" shirt. Stop distracting me, lame t-shirt website!
Back to the point:
I just watched the movie Fracture with my friend Roxanne* and it was terrible. Here's why:
- In some scenes, Anthony Hopkins was talking. In other scenes, Anthony Hopkins was talking with a Scottish accent.
- Roxanne figured out the twist ending in the first 15 minutes, whereas I held onto the idea that Anthony Hopkins magically transformed the murder weapon into a marble.
- Ryan Gosling's sexual new boss, hottie-potaty Rosamund Pike, who is supposed to be a professional career woman, invites him over for a night of sexual escapades (ie nookie) and invites him to her family's Thanksgiving.
- At the Thanksgiving meal, her family acts as though the two had been dating for 8 months and were in a serious relationship, not just jammin' between the sheets inappropriately (and, unless they mentioned it to Human Resources, grounds for termination).
That's that.
Second line of business: Today, through serious personal reflection, I was forced to confront a long-standing phobia of mine. Bowiephobia.
Ever since I saw the movie Labyrinth (maybe it has a The in front of it, I'm too lazy to doublecheck), I have had a fear of David Bowie. To be honest, it subsided briefly, when I saw his cameo in Zoolander. He looked healthy, had subtle and classy makeup on, and did not come across creepy. When I discovered that he had married healthy-looking model Iman, I was happy for him. Not because he had found true love. Not because he had settled down and was enjoying his domestic bliss. Because he could no longer prey on tween girls.
David Bowie never preyed on tween girls, let me rephrase: Jareth the Goblin King preyed on tween girls. He kidnapped their baby brothers and lured them into an underground hell hole, furnished entirely with Jim Henson creations: Hoggle, Ludo, Didymus, the Worm...
And his costumes were horrific. The hair, the eyebrows, the silver, latex cat suits that showcased his man thunder... And the way he caressed his mystical orbs as he send them floating through the air to haunt little Sarah...
Now, because of David Bowie's portrayal of Jareth, I had many a nightmare spanning from 1993 to 1996. They included lazy 80's chases, orb-attacks, and David Bowie's Jareth the Goblin King hovering over me with that goddamn cat suit. When I awoke from these tortured slumbers, I felt... violated.
Today, after much reflection and meditation, I have decided to finally forgive Jareth. Because, in all honesty, Jareth wasn't entirely to blame for my phobia. It was also the ambience of the film itself. It is not David Bowie I should fear. It is not Jareth I should fear. It is Jim Henson. Jim Henson imagined this dungeon of pedophiliac implications and muppet beasts. Jim Henson's sick, twisted mind haunted my memories like the heavy tread of a lost soul...
Phew! That feels better! I feel as though a weight has been lifted.
FUN LABYRINTH TRIVIA: The full costume for Hoggle was lost for some time. It was later found at an unclaimed baggage store in Scottsboro, Alabama and is now on display in their museum.
Sorry, that was unprovoked trivia. I was looking at the IMDb page for this movie and I laughed at that. Think of the look on the guy's face who found that costume... Wow. Poor man...
*names changed for security reasons
Back to the point:
I just watched the movie Fracture with my friend Roxanne* and it was terrible. Here's why:
- In some scenes, Anthony Hopkins was talking. In other scenes, Anthony Hopkins was talking with a Scottish accent.
- Roxanne figured out the twist ending in the first 15 minutes, whereas I held onto the idea that Anthony Hopkins magically transformed the murder weapon into a marble.
- Ryan Gosling's sexual new boss, hottie-potaty Rosamund Pike, who is supposed to be a professional career woman, invites him over for a night of sexual escapades (ie nookie) and invites him to her family's Thanksgiving.
- At the Thanksgiving meal, her family acts as though the two had been dating for 8 months and were in a serious relationship, not just jammin' between the sheets inappropriately (and, unless they mentioned it to Human Resources, grounds for termination).
That's that.
Second line of business: Today, through serious personal reflection, I was forced to confront a long-standing phobia of mine. Bowiephobia.
Ever since I saw the movie Labyrinth (maybe it has a The in front of it, I'm too lazy to doublecheck), I have had a fear of David Bowie. To be honest, it subsided briefly, when I saw his cameo in Zoolander. He looked healthy, had subtle and classy makeup on, and did not come across creepy. When I discovered that he had married healthy-looking model Iman, I was happy for him. Not because he had found true love. Not because he had settled down and was enjoying his domestic bliss. Because he could no longer prey on tween girls.
David Bowie never preyed on tween girls, let me rephrase: Jareth the Goblin King preyed on tween girls. He kidnapped their baby brothers and lured them into an underground hell hole, furnished entirely with Jim Henson creations: Hoggle, Ludo, Didymus, the Worm...
And his costumes were horrific. The hair, the eyebrows, the silver, latex cat suits that showcased his man thunder... And the way he caressed his mystical orbs as he send them floating through the air to haunt little Sarah...
Now, because of David Bowie's portrayal of Jareth, I had many a nightmare spanning from 1993 to 1996. They included lazy 80's chases, orb-attacks, and David Bowie's Jareth the Goblin King hovering over me with that goddamn cat suit. When I awoke from these tortured slumbers, I felt... violated.
Today, after much reflection and meditation, I have decided to finally forgive Jareth. Because, in all honesty, Jareth wasn't entirely to blame for my phobia. It was also the ambience of the film itself. It is not David Bowie I should fear. It is not Jareth I should fear. It is Jim Henson. Jim Henson imagined this dungeon of pedophiliac implications and muppet beasts. Jim Henson's sick, twisted mind haunted my memories like the heavy tread of a lost soul...
Phew! That feels better! I feel as though a weight has been lifted.
FUN LABYRINTH TRIVIA: The full costume for Hoggle was lost for some time. It was later found at an unclaimed baggage store in Scottsboro, Alabama and is now on display in their museum.
Sorry, that was unprovoked trivia. I was looking at the IMDb page for this movie and I laughed at that. Think of the look on the guy's face who found that costume... Wow. Poor man...
*names changed for security reasons