(no subject)
i dont want to be dorment, but i fear that it is what i have become. unspeakably asleep with my eyes open. only the shell of a girl could drone on.
i need something brilliant and new, a new extremety or new escape. i need a reason to drink, a reason to breathe, a reason not to jump at every oppertunity to open up. even the false realities of chemials have lost their amusement now. attention isnt what i need, this is much more deeper than that. reassurance, recollection, or a revolution would be more like it. where did all the passion go? where is the control? where are my best friends? where is my home? the rymhing was a coincidence, and im sure i spelt that wrong cause i cant seem to do anything right anymore. god were you ever there? all those times i spoke in the dark, and pressed my tears between the sheets.everytime i cried for an awswer, i was just left with another question. yay, one more to add to the list of reasons why lindsey is a selfish, anappreciative, spoiled, oblivious shell of a girl.at least that left me to conclude an answer to one question. that your existance is ceaced, at least to me. maybe ive just lost my way, but oh lame live journal entry, how i wish i could drop everything and drive into the distance.ive never meant it more than i do now. i think id go to california, everyone always seems happy there. good old disney land, and to see the sun set on the pacific. no more numb limbs, no more credit cards scraping the ice from the windsheild. this is no pathetic search for sympathy, this is some pathetic rambling search for a reason. for an understanding. for a desperation where passion, happiness, and excitement exists. everyone proceeds to tell me that everything will beok, that this is just a phase(ah, good song), and that future has something to bring. that i have talent when things dont work out, and that college brings new oppertunities. well i dont want college, i can bearly do highschool, what the fuck makes anyone think that ill somehow get through that. even ccri will be too hard for me, because whatever small smidgon of intelligence i once had, was smothered by too many stupid desicions.
i guess im just searching for the past to repeat itself, and its so goddamn hippocritical, i cant count how many times ive given the worldly advice of "not living in the past, and making the future" bullshit.its making me sick, the exposure of these emotions ill regret in an hour. to even waste some computer space. to think that anyone would have even read this far. i guess its something pathetic to look back upon, because sometime things will get better. i know this, dont try and tell me, just fuck off and let me wallow in this. once again i doubt that makes any sense even. ha! stupidddd. what happened to hanging out and having fun? i miss everyone, i miss the desire of getting to know someone new. i miss being giddy, or laughing uncontrolably. i cant remember when i did that.sdkjfhaksdjfhjdfjkfhefhjskjdfnkjsdnfjdfn fuck.
i need something brilliant and new, a new extremety or new escape. i need a reason to drink, a reason to breathe, a reason not to jump at every oppertunity to open up. even the false realities of chemials have lost their amusement now. attention isnt what i need, this is much more deeper than that. reassurance, recollection, or a revolution would be more like it. where did all the passion go? where is the control? where are my best friends? where is my home? the rymhing was a coincidence, and im sure i spelt that wrong cause i cant seem to do anything right anymore. god were you ever there? all those times i spoke in the dark, and pressed my tears between the sheets.everytime i cried for an awswer, i was just left with another question. yay, one more to add to the list of reasons why lindsey is a selfish, anappreciative, spoiled, oblivious shell of a girl.at least that left me to conclude an answer to one question. that your existance is ceaced, at least to me. maybe ive just lost my way, but oh lame live journal entry, how i wish i could drop everything and drive into the distance.ive never meant it more than i do now. i think id go to california, everyone always seems happy there. good old disney land, and to see the sun set on the pacific. no more numb limbs, no more credit cards scraping the ice from the windsheild. this is no pathetic search for sympathy, this is some pathetic rambling search for a reason. for an understanding. for a desperation where passion, happiness, and excitement exists. everyone proceeds to tell me that everything will beok, that this is just a phase(ah, good song), and that future has something to bring. that i have talent when things dont work out, and that college brings new oppertunities. well i dont want college, i can bearly do highschool, what the fuck makes anyone think that ill somehow get through that. even ccri will be too hard for me, because whatever small smidgon of intelligence i once had, was smothered by too many stupid desicions.
i guess im just searching for the past to repeat itself, and its so goddamn hippocritical, i cant count how many times ive given the worldly advice of "not living in the past, and making the future" bullshit.its making me sick, the exposure of these emotions ill regret in an hour. to even waste some computer space. to think that anyone would have even read this far. i guess its something pathetic to look back upon, because sometime things will get better. i know this, dont try and tell me, just fuck off and let me wallow in this. once again i doubt that makes any sense even. ha! stupidddd. what happened to hanging out and having fun? i miss everyone, i miss the desire of getting to know someone new. i miss being giddy, or laughing uncontrolably. i cant remember when i did that.sdkjfhaksdjfhjdfjkfhefhjskjdfnkjsdnfjdfn fuck.