(Untitled)

[savenorthmdtown]

As we drove down the street, still glistening and slippery from the late evening showers, we saw a man cross in front of our car wearing matching sport pants and jacket, clutching tight to a child’s backpack. He walked quickly with the backpack tucked under his chin, his nose pressed to the handle so he could smell the mixture of perfume and white

Comments

[anonymous]

As we drove down the street, still glistening and slippery from the late evening showers, we saw a man cross in front of our car wearing matching sport pants and jacket, clutching tight to a child’s backpack... There is no obvious shift from the person in the cars point of view to that of the story tellers, which leads an intelligent reader to believe that the person in the car somehow knows a ridiculous amount of information about this man.

Not enough compound sentences. The writing isnt mature enough to convey a sense of haste via the use of choppy lines, give it a few years.

Also, with the state of gas prices, wouldnt it be cheaper to opt for a more expensive ticket as oppossed to taking a roughly 60 mile round trip, just to get to some run down theatre?

Before you try to tackle irony (thats what I assume you were attempting to do by having the main character break into and rob a toy store in mid day, clothed from the hips down, of course), you need to work on quality.

Less choppy sentences. More descriptive diction; use it to set a tone, and with the tone you may have your character do unrealistic things (robbery) and get away with it.

Don't jump from subject to subject so quick, She would lean against the fence and imitate the monkeys. Her favorites were the elephants. No. The way the grammar is set up in that sentence pretty much calls monkeys elephants: her favorite whats were elephants? Oh right, her favorite animals were elephants.

Also, The same films would play, but the screen was stained and the speakers were blown. 'But' was used completely wrong here. Use 'and,' if you're trying to make the place look shitty, seeee? By placing 'but' where you did, you're setting up a redeeming quality of the theatre, and calling the screens stained and the speakers blown is not too redeeming. Etc.

Other then all that, its alright. Keep on trying, we all have to start somewhere.

[savenorthmdtown]

thanks for the advice. who is this anyway?

[anonymous]

you'd never guess.

[savenorthmdtown]

that's right, and I wouldn't guess, because you could just as easily tell me.