[Wilson/House] KITTEN FIC! (yes, I shouted the title. It's about kittens, it should be shouted.)
Title: The One Where They Got Kittens
Disclaimer: I'm not David Shore
Summary: Kittens!
Spoilers: None (Set in Post-Grace Season Two. Season Three didn't happen)
Words: 1,861
Rating: G
Warnings: Schmooch & Kittens.
Author's Note: This is the off-shoot of a conversation between thedeadparrot and me. I think it speaks for itself, so I'm just going to post it:
parrot: It's just, yeah. Why Kids?
pen: They are "cute"?
parrot: Well, so are puppies.
pen: Kittens are more so.
parrot: We don't have as many "Look, House got Wilson a puppy!" fics out there.
pen: Well, I think House would never have a puppy (esp. because he has Chase). I do think there should be more "Wilson and House have kittens" fic, though. House and Wilson are definitely cat people.
parrot: Haha. Kittens!
pen: House would have a little furball, and be mean to it, and the cat would only like him more.
parrot: I dare you to write a kitten!fic now.
And, I just couldn't back down from a dare! I promise to like... kill Wilson later ... to counterbalance the sugary-aftertaste.
Onward!
The One Where They Got Kittens
The box blocked his door. He hadn't ordered any packages. If this was Wilson's idea of a joke, it wasn't funny. He opened the flaps with his cane, thinking that there better not be a pile of Wilson's shit in there. He had moved out a few days ago. They weren't fighting; well, they kind of weren't fighting. (House didn't think they could go more than seventy-two hours without fighting. It was like breathing, or blow jobs.)
Meow. Oh, Fuck. House stared at the contents, death glare, lazers. He needed some rat posion. Six, ugly as sin, kittens looked up at him with sad eyes. They meowed. They wanted their Mommy and they seemed to think House would be an excellent surrogate. Pushing the box aside, House let himself into the apartment. He needed to pee. He didn't think about them for the rest of the night.
They were still there in the morning.
*
The six little furballs had piled on top of each other creating a mish-mesh grey, black, and white. It had been a little chilly last night. All slept comfortably. Why hadn't someone picked them up yet? And why the fuck were they on his doorstep? A little black one -- that Steve McQueen could totally take in a fight -- untangled itself from the others and tried to climb out of the box. It looked at him with hopeful eyes. It clawed at the box and after two minutes (House knew, he timed it), the little kitten fell out of the box and rubbed itself against House's leg. It purred. House kicked it away. It looked startled, but not defeated. It pounced on House's sneaker. A gray long-haired kitten popped out of the box and attacked the black one, then scampered off into House's apartment. The black one followed.
Oh, for the love of Wilson.
*
He hated them. (Kind of.)
*
The gray one, that House had christened Voldemort, was dying first; next would be Severus, the black one that had taken to following him around. They were the ring leaders. They gave the other four bad ideas. Like, oh, say, climbing onto his piano and scratching the top with their nasty little claws. Or attacking Steve's cage. Then, then, they had to audacity to look up at him with huge eyes and suggestively meow, trying to illicit sympathy.
*
Severus tried to sleep with him. House wouldn't have it. (Yet, he woke the next morning with the little kitten snuggling next to him. Voldemort was on his head.)
*
"What's in the box?"
Obviously, Cameron asked. She always asked. Chase and Foreman didn't notice.
"Presents!" House grinned, "Everyone gets one!" House ripped off the cover, and started tossing out the kittens on the table. They hissed as they flew through the air. There was two solid white ones, two black and white ones, and of course, the little gray and black rascals.
His minions blinked. Chase looked a little squeeful, and resisted the urge to scoop them up and cuddle them. Foreman leaned forward, shocked but not speechless. This was House, after all. "You can't have cats in the hospital."
"But they are so cute!" House pushed Severus away, but it batted at his hand and then clung to his arm.
"They aren't cute!" Cameron hissed, and pushed away from the kittens like they were pictures of what House and Wilson really did on their lunch breaks. "They could have fleas, or ringworm, or hundreds of diseases!"
"Like I'd bring infected animals into the hospital." Glaring. Lots of Glaring. Okay, he so would do that. Because that would be interesting, and he loved interesting. It would also piss Cuddy off; causing her to get feisty and stick her breasts in his face in some effort to scare him. He was really into that.
Cameron got up. "I'm calling Cuddy."
House rolled his eyes and shouted, "WILSON! CAMERON IS A TATTLE-TALE." Cameron groaned and made the phone call. Chase buried his head in his hands. Foreman pretended he wasn't there. "What?" House shrugged. "Thin walls; way easier than using the telephone."
And it was. Wilson already appeared in the hallway wearing his copyrighted 'I'm Going to Kill You' face. As he opened the door, a white one and white and black one ran under his feet and out the door. "What the...?" Wilson jumped, because he did not expect that. He was kind of expecting House to bitch about some MRI machines or the nurses. "Kittens? You have kittens?"
Voldemort had cocked his head when Wilson entered. Wilson neared the table and the kitten waited, waited, waited, until Wilson was close enough. Then, it attacked --
His tie (it was green and so pretty). Wilson remained oblivious. "House, seriously."
"Do you expect me to keep them in my apartment? They would rip it to shreds."
Wilson nodded, understanding the logic (he'd be around House far too long). "And by parading them around here, you'd figured you'd get some poor schmuck or one of the nurses to take them home."
"Bingo. You're one of the poor schmucks. Voldemort likes you. He's yours." Whether he liked Wilson was questionable, but he definitely liked his tie.
"Voldemort?"
"Yup." House pointed at the black one still attacking him, "Severus. And Lucius, Narcissa, Barty, and Bellatrix are the others."
"I give up." Throwing up his hands, Wilson walked out of the conference room.
"Hold on!" House grabbed Voldemort by the neck and passed it off to Wilson. "Don't forget your new little friend."
Wilson accepted with kitten in a very un-Wilsonesque fashion: by just taking it and leaving. Hm, House made note of it. Severus leaped from the table and started pawing at the door. House also noted that.
He turned back to his team, "One down, five to go."
Cameron watched with her hands on her hips. Foreman still pretended he wasn't there. Chase said, "I want Barty."
*
Cuddy was pissed. (But she took Lucius anyway.)
[insert own cat-lady joke here]
*
Wilson and Voldemort returned when they heard the screaming died down. Cuddy had dragged House off to the clinic, and by the sound of it he would be there for eternity and a day. Wilson let himself and a handful of his baldies into House's office. Voldemort squirmed out of his arms and attacked Severus. The kids all giggled and squealed and awe'd at the kittens (even the "older" thirteen-year-olds, because, c'mon, kittens!)
In his best 'kind but firm' voice, Wilson told them not to leave House's office or bother the other doctors. Cameron, from her desk, just looked confused as she opened the mail. Foreman buried his head deeper into Forbes. Chase looked jealous. And bored with the crossword, he decided to join Wilson. (Wilson told him not to kiss any of them, and Chase told him not to kiss any of their mothers.)
Chase helped the girls redirectorate House's office with pictures rainbows and unicorns. The kids didn't like any of House's lps, so Wilson logged into House's ITunes account and let them go crazy: Hanson (Middle of Nowhere, duh), Christina Aguilera (Debut Release, because House already had Back to Basics), The Spice Girls (Spice & Spiceworld, they just couldn't decide!), and Savage Garden (Greatest Hits, Chase's suggestion). House had just purchased a branding-spanking-new Wii (with his own money - no wonder he could never "afford" to pay for his own meals) and Wilson told the kids that they could 'use it until it broke'.
He settled into House's chair and charted. No one saw him slip in the earplugs before the shindig got started. Voldemort settled onto his charts and crinkled them. Severus attacked the big-ball. The other four basked in the glory of belly-rubs. (Only Narcissa acted like a snot and refused to play with them.)
The elevator opened and House heard scarring sounds (it wasn't music, it was noise) blasting from his office. He thought was a going to be sick. Cameron and Foreman looked motified from the conference room. They pleaded with him, silently, for relief. They could save themselves. He popped a Vicodin, sat down on the floor, and whipped some kid's ass at Super Mario.
/ If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends / Make it last forever, friendship never ends! /
*
Three were left. Cameron and Foreman wouldn't take them. House threatened to 'fire them' (or something equally as absurd) and they laughed in his face. Damn, why did he train them so well?
*
One of the baldies begged and cried until to her mother let her take Narcissa and Bellatrix home. House rewarded her with a bag of lollipops (he had stolen from clinic) for the outstanding performance.
That left only Severus. Maybe Brenda wanted it. House would happily give it over. He didn't like the kitten anyway.
(Seriously, he didn't.)
*
Wilson had herded the hellions back to the cancer wing. He left Voldemort in House's office. The kitten was pissed. Wilson slammed the door in its face; it started to meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow,
And meow.
This caused Severus to join in. (Barty was still curled up on Chase's lap.)
House watched the kittens claw at the glass door, and started to see the very elementary logic. He gazed across the balcony into Wilson's office. It was oh-so-simple. And Wilson was needy. He'd never abandon something so precious as a kitten. Hell, he didn't even protest when House made him take one. He wanted one. He would take two.
House cornered the kittens and scooped them up; held them good and tight as he climbed over Wilson's balcony. When he plopped them on Wilson's desk, they stopped crying. Both looked pleased at the new surrounding and went after the Care Bears. "Just as I speculated."
Wilson was almost afraid to ask. House continued, "That settles it: you're moving back in with me. The kittens need a stable environment that promotes good self-esteem and family values -- or they cry."
"And you think we fit those qualifications."
"We would if you stopped acting like a jackass."
And, then they fought. (Because it had reached the seventy-two hour mark.) But, it ended up working out just dandy. All's fair in love and kittens.
*
Severus and Voldemort loved their two daddys very much.
*
"Why are you obsessed with Harry Potter?" Wilson had control of the remote. Voldemort slept on his chest. House sat beside him with Severus on his lap.
"Because the whole world is."
"You don't like crazes."
"Caught me. Alan Rickman is the sexiest man alive."
"Those are the movies, which you don't watch."
"Course I watch them."
"You don't do anything without me, and I've only seen them at work."
"I do do things without you."
"Like what?"
"Masturbate."
And that concluded the Kitten Saga -- for the moment, at least (with kittens, the saga never ends) -- because talking about masturbation and Harry Potter within the same five minutes was just not necessary. Wilson flipped to Mythbusters and they lived happily ever after (for the next seventy-two hours).
The. End.
ETA: Cutest Kitten Ever!
Disclaimer: I'm not David Shore
Summary: Kittens!
Spoilers: None (Set in Post-Grace Season Two. Season Three didn't happen)
Words: 1,861
Rating: G
Warnings: Schmooch & Kittens.
Author's Note: This is the off-shoot of a conversation between thedeadparrot and me. I think it speaks for itself, so I'm just going to post it:
parrot: It's just, yeah. Why Kids?
pen: They are "cute"?
parrot: Well, so are puppies.
pen: Kittens are more so.
parrot: We don't have as many "Look, House got Wilson a puppy!" fics out there.
pen: Well, I think House would never have a puppy (esp. because he has Chase). I do think there should be more "Wilson and House have kittens" fic, though. House and Wilson are definitely cat people.
parrot: Haha. Kittens!
pen: House would have a little furball, and be mean to it, and the cat would only like him more.
parrot: I dare you to write a kitten!fic now.
And, I just couldn't back down from a dare! I promise to like... kill Wilson later ... to counterbalance the sugary-aftertaste.
Onward!
The One Where They Got Kittens
The box blocked his door. He hadn't ordered any packages. If this was Wilson's idea of a joke, it wasn't funny. He opened the flaps with his cane, thinking that there better not be a pile of Wilson's shit in there. He had moved out a few days ago. They weren't fighting; well, they kind of weren't fighting. (House didn't think they could go more than seventy-two hours without fighting. It was like breathing, or blow jobs.)
Meow. Oh, Fuck. House stared at the contents, death glare, lazers. He needed some rat posion. Six, ugly as sin, kittens looked up at him with sad eyes. They meowed. They wanted their Mommy and they seemed to think House would be an excellent surrogate. Pushing the box aside, House let himself into the apartment. He needed to pee. He didn't think about them for the rest of the night.
They were still there in the morning.
*
The six little furballs had piled on top of each other creating a mish-mesh grey, black, and white. It had been a little chilly last night. All slept comfortably. Why hadn't someone picked them up yet? And why the fuck were they on his doorstep? A little black one -- that Steve McQueen could totally take in a fight -- untangled itself from the others and tried to climb out of the box. It looked at him with hopeful eyes. It clawed at the box and after two minutes (House knew, he timed it), the little kitten fell out of the box and rubbed itself against House's leg. It purred. House kicked it away. It looked startled, but not defeated. It pounced on House's sneaker. A gray long-haired kitten popped out of the box and attacked the black one, then scampered off into House's apartment. The black one followed.
Oh, for the love of Wilson.
*
He hated them. (Kind of.)
*
The gray one, that House had christened Voldemort, was dying first; next would be Severus, the black one that had taken to following him around. They were the ring leaders. They gave the other four bad ideas. Like, oh, say, climbing onto his piano and scratching the top with their nasty little claws. Or attacking Steve's cage. Then, then, they had to audacity to look up at him with huge eyes and suggestively meow, trying to illicit sympathy.
*
Severus tried to sleep with him. House wouldn't have it. (Yet, he woke the next morning with the little kitten snuggling next to him. Voldemort was on his head.)
*
"What's in the box?"
Obviously, Cameron asked. She always asked. Chase and Foreman didn't notice.
"Presents!" House grinned, "Everyone gets one!" House ripped off the cover, and started tossing out the kittens on the table. They hissed as they flew through the air. There was two solid white ones, two black and white ones, and of course, the little gray and black rascals.
His minions blinked. Chase looked a little squeeful, and resisted the urge to scoop them up and cuddle them. Foreman leaned forward, shocked but not speechless. This was House, after all. "You can't have cats in the hospital."
"But they are so cute!" House pushed Severus away, but it batted at his hand and then clung to his arm.
"They aren't cute!" Cameron hissed, and pushed away from the kittens like they were pictures of what House and Wilson really did on their lunch breaks. "They could have fleas, or ringworm, or hundreds of diseases!"
"Like I'd bring infected animals into the hospital." Glaring. Lots of Glaring. Okay, he so would do that. Because that would be interesting, and he loved interesting. It would also piss Cuddy off; causing her to get feisty and stick her breasts in his face in some effort to scare him. He was really into that.
Cameron got up. "I'm calling Cuddy."
House rolled his eyes and shouted, "WILSON! CAMERON IS A TATTLE-TALE." Cameron groaned and made the phone call. Chase buried his head in his hands. Foreman pretended he wasn't there. "What?" House shrugged. "Thin walls; way easier than using the telephone."
And it was. Wilson already appeared in the hallway wearing his copyrighted 'I'm Going to Kill You' face. As he opened the door, a white one and white and black one ran under his feet and out the door. "What the...?" Wilson jumped, because he did not expect that. He was kind of expecting House to bitch about some MRI machines or the nurses. "Kittens? You have kittens?"
Voldemort had cocked his head when Wilson entered. Wilson neared the table and the kitten waited, waited, waited, until Wilson was close enough. Then, it attacked --
His tie (it was green and so pretty). Wilson remained oblivious. "House, seriously."
"Do you expect me to keep them in my apartment? They would rip it to shreds."
Wilson nodded, understanding the logic (he'd be around House far too long). "And by parading them around here, you'd figured you'd get some poor schmuck or one of the nurses to take them home."
"Bingo. You're one of the poor schmucks. Voldemort likes you. He's yours." Whether he liked Wilson was questionable, but he definitely liked his tie.
"Voldemort?"
"Yup." House pointed at the black one still attacking him, "Severus. And Lucius, Narcissa, Barty, and Bellatrix are the others."
"I give up." Throwing up his hands, Wilson walked out of the conference room.
"Hold on!" House grabbed Voldemort by the neck and passed it off to Wilson. "Don't forget your new little friend."
Wilson accepted with kitten in a very un-Wilsonesque fashion: by just taking it and leaving. Hm, House made note of it. Severus leaped from the table and started pawing at the door. House also noted that.
He turned back to his team, "One down, five to go."
Cameron watched with her hands on her hips. Foreman still pretended he wasn't there. Chase said, "I want Barty."
*
Cuddy was pissed. (But she took Lucius anyway.)
[insert own cat-lady joke here]
*
Wilson and Voldemort returned when they heard the screaming died down. Cuddy had dragged House off to the clinic, and by the sound of it he would be there for eternity and a day. Wilson let himself and a handful of his baldies into House's office. Voldemort squirmed out of his arms and attacked Severus. The kids all giggled and squealed and awe'd at the kittens (even the "older" thirteen-year-olds, because, c'mon, kittens!)
In his best 'kind but firm' voice, Wilson told them not to leave House's office or bother the other doctors. Cameron, from her desk, just looked confused as she opened the mail. Foreman buried his head deeper into Forbes. Chase looked jealous. And bored with the crossword, he decided to join Wilson. (Wilson told him not to kiss any of them, and Chase told him not to kiss any of their mothers.)
Chase helped the girls redirectorate House's office with pictures rainbows and unicorns. The kids didn't like any of House's lps, so Wilson logged into House's ITunes account and let them go crazy: Hanson (Middle of Nowhere, duh), Christina Aguilera (Debut Release, because House already had Back to Basics), The Spice Girls (Spice & Spiceworld, they just couldn't decide!), and Savage Garden (Greatest Hits, Chase's suggestion). House had just purchased a branding-spanking-new Wii (with his own money - no wonder he could never "afford" to pay for his own meals) and Wilson told the kids that they could 'use it until it broke'.
He settled into House's chair and charted. No one saw him slip in the earplugs before the shindig got started. Voldemort settled onto his charts and crinkled them. Severus attacked the big-ball. The other four basked in the glory of belly-rubs. (Only Narcissa acted like a snot and refused to play with them.)
The elevator opened and House heard scarring sounds (it wasn't music, it was noise) blasting from his office. He thought was a going to be sick. Cameron and Foreman looked motified from the conference room. They pleaded with him, silently, for relief. They could save themselves. He popped a Vicodin, sat down on the floor, and whipped some kid's ass at Super Mario.
/ If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends / Make it last forever, friendship never ends! /
*
Three were left. Cameron and Foreman wouldn't take them. House threatened to 'fire them' (or something equally as absurd) and they laughed in his face. Damn, why did he train them so well?
*
One of the baldies begged and cried until to her mother let her take Narcissa and Bellatrix home. House rewarded her with a bag of lollipops (he had stolen from clinic) for the outstanding performance.
That left only Severus. Maybe Brenda wanted it. House would happily give it over. He didn't like the kitten anyway.
(Seriously, he didn't.)
*
Wilson had herded the hellions back to the cancer wing. He left Voldemort in House's office. The kitten was pissed. Wilson slammed the door in its face; it started to meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow, and meow,
And meow.
This caused Severus to join in. (Barty was still curled up on Chase's lap.)
House watched the kittens claw at the glass door, and started to see the very elementary logic. He gazed across the balcony into Wilson's office. It was oh-so-simple. And Wilson was needy. He'd never abandon something so precious as a kitten. Hell, he didn't even protest when House made him take one. He wanted one. He would take two.
House cornered the kittens and scooped them up; held them good and tight as he climbed over Wilson's balcony. When he plopped them on Wilson's desk, they stopped crying. Both looked pleased at the new surrounding and went after the Care Bears. "Just as I speculated."
Wilson was almost afraid to ask. House continued, "That settles it: you're moving back in with me. The kittens need a stable environment that promotes good self-esteem and family values -- or they cry."
"And you think we fit those qualifications."
"We would if you stopped acting like a jackass."
And, then they fought. (Because it had reached the seventy-two hour mark.) But, it ended up working out just dandy. All's fair in love and kittens.
*
Severus and Voldemort loved their two daddys very much.
*
"Why are you obsessed with Harry Potter?" Wilson had control of the remote. Voldemort slept on his chest. House sat beside him with Severus on his lap.
"Because the whole world is."
"You don't like crazes."
"Caught me. Alan Rickman is the sexiest man alive."
"Those are the movies, which you don't watch."
"Course I watch them."
"You don't do anything without me, and I've only seen them at work."
"I do do things without you."
"Like what?"
"Masturbate."
And that concluded the Kitten Saga -- for the moment, at least (with kittens, the saga never ends) -- because talking about masturbation and Harry Potter within the same five minutes was just not necessary. Wilson flipped to Mythbusters and they lived happily ever after (for the next seventy-two hours).
The. End.
ETA: Cutest Kitten Ever!