(no subject)
I feel it coming on, the breaking down. It's what I do. I pretend like I'm ok with things, then more crap keeps mounting and I don't know if I can really handle it all. And I don't even really know how to explain it all anymore either. It just boils down to a big "I don't know". I hate that. I hate this... the slow draining in your stomache that some things can't be helped no matter how much I try. I'm not a strong person, I know this. I have a tendency to try to present myself as something I'm not. I was called on it last weekend, and it stung, but it's true. I'm perfectly aware that I'm not strong, wise, witty, considerate, or attractive. I hide behind this image of what I feel I'm supposed to be. I'm just a scared, stupid kid in reality. I know nothing, and that's the only certainty in my life.
A friend made a comment about how if no one is really close then they can't hurt you. I suppose I thought I was closer to some people than I really was. It's not the first time. Perhaps it's just me who sucks at the friendship thing. I guess it's not really going to be much of an issue soon. I'll be headed my way, and other people theirs, and I wonder if those paths will converge again. Some people I know will still be there... but some people I really just don't know like I thought I did. Apparently they are just realizing some things that have been going on for over a month that have something to do directly with them. No I haven't talked to them. It's not my responsibility to always have to be the one to initiate these things.
I'll be ok. I'm just jittery. I need sleep. Don't post antagonistic, condescending, or patronizing lectures. If you feel the desire to, you obviously have no earthly clue what is going on because I haven't told you. I'm tired of worrying about how things are going to change from positive to positive to negative to worse so much. I agreed to a National Guard enlisted slot with the intention of going to Officer Candidate School because of the compatibility with my school schedule. It looked like a good thing when I did it (I even talked proudly of it to James), but then Wednesday I was informed that the unit I'm now with is on the short list for Iraq. Well, you may be wondering how this is a problem if I'm doing OCS. I've missed the application date for this year's OCS cycle. It was due in January. This was originally ok, I would just get MOS quallified in a combat arms slot (13B to be exact) and wait until next year's cycle begins. OCS needs applicants, and I'd be in good shape for it too. As coincidence would have it, one of my old ROTC recruiting officers is a Captain in one of the batallions of the brigade, and he was really excited I was coming into the unit. He even promised to put in a good word for OCS when I got around to it because he assumed that was my intent. I told him I intended on going next spring, and he said "Oh, they didn't tell you. Don't count on it." He then told me how the unit was sending in guys sometime this year to Iraq, but not the entire brigade because a lot of them haven't been back from Bosnia very long (they were on a UN peace-keeping tour). Those going would fill serious vacancies in another ARNG unit attached to a RA unit due to a lack of reenlistments. I obviously didn't go to Bosnia. So if I'm MOS quallified by the time they're sent, I might very well be going, too. It gets better. The rest of the brigade apparently is scheduled to go in October/ November of next year. I'm screwed either way. I didn't realize they did this to units like they're doing, but apparently it's worse with some other Reserve units. They're being completely turned into replacement battalions, sending people to other units overseas when need arises. I completely disagree with this due to the simple issue of unit cohesion, but the Army is short on people and need to make due where they can. Plus, the active duty units are rotating out, and the statistic I was told is that by the beginning of this summer, the majority of units in Iraq will be ARNG/ AR units activated. I have no problem with the going part, I just wish I could finish school and get commissioned first.
But the biggest thing is "I don't know". If I'm passed over for deployment for whatever reason, then I can apply (provided I'm MOS quallified) for OCS. Once in OCS, I'm no longer deployable until I'm commissioned and go through my OBC (Officer Basic Course for branch-quallification). I love how unit recruiters don't tell you what's going on. I knew the unit hadn't been to Iraq yet, but I wonder how long I would have been in the dark about all of this without that casual conversation with CPT Clark. I think my facts are straight, I'll clarify later if needed. I'm sorry I don't know more. I'm just trying to finish this semester and leave at some point in early May. I intended on talking about this with more people once I knew more and also in person. This solves a LOT of that problem, albeit impersonally. Obviously, this situation has created some friction in my family, which is never fun. Please understand if I am distant or seem to be distracted, because I am.
I've got to sleep now because I have a midterm tomorrow that's gonna kick me in the rear. I feel better after getting that off my chest. I hope you all are doing well.
A friend made a comment about how if no one is really close then they can't hurt you. I suppose I thought I was closer to some people than I really was. It's not the first time. Perhaps it's just me who sucks at the friendship thing. I guess it's not really going to be much of an issue soon. I'll be headed my way, and other people theirs, and I wonder if those paths will converge again. Some people I know will still be there... but some people I really just don't know like I thought I did. Apparently they are just realizing some things that have been going on for over a month that have something to do directly with them. No I haven't talked to them. It's not my responsibility to always have to be the one to initiate these things.
I'll be ok. I'm just jittery. I need sleep. Don't post antagonistic, condescending, or patronizing lectures. If you feel the desire to, you obviously have no earthly clue what is going on because I haven't told you. I'm tired of worrying about how things are going to change from positive to positive to negative to worse so much. I agreed to a National Guard enlisted slot with the intention of going to Officer Candidate School because of the compatibility with my school schedule. It looked like a good thing when I did it (I even talked proudly of it to James), but then Wednesday I was informed that the unit I'm now with is on the short list for Iraq. Well, you may be wondering how this is a problem if I'm doing OCS. I've missed the application date for this year's OCS cycle. It was due in January. This was originally ok, I would just get MOS quallified in a combat arms slot (13B to be exact) and wait until next year's cycle begins. OCS needs applicants, and I'd be in good shape for it too. As coincidence would have it, one of my old ROTC recruiting officers is a Captain in one of the batallions of the brigade, and he was really excited I was coming into the unit. He even promised to put in a good word for OCS when I got around to it because he assumed that was my intent. I told him I intended on going next spring, and he said "Oh, they didn't tell you. Don't count on it." He then told me how the unit was sending in guys sometime this year to Iraq, but not the entire brigade because a lot of them haven't been back from Bosnia very long (they were on a UN peace-keeping tour). Those going would fill serious vacancies in another ARNG unit attached to a RA unit due to a lack of reenlistments. I obviously didn't go to Bosnia. So if I'm MOS quallified by the time they're sent, I might very well be going, too. It gets better. The rest of the brigade apparently is scheduled to go in October/ November of next year. I'm screwed either way. I didn't realize they did this to units like they're doing, but apparently it's worse with some other Reserve units. They're being completely turned into replacement battalions, sending people to other units overseas when need arises. I completely disagree with this due to the simple issue of unit cohesion, but the Army is short on people and need to make due where they can. Plus, the active duty units are rotating out, and the statistic I was told is that by the beginning of this summer, the majority of units in Iraq will be ARNG/ AR units activated. I have no problem with the going part, I just wish I could finish school and get commissioned first.
But the biggest thing is "I don't know". If I'm passed over for deployment for whatever reason, then I can apply (provided I'm MOS quallified) for OCS. Once in OCS, I'm no longer deployable until I'm commissioned and go through my OBC (Officer Basic Course for branch-quallification). I love how unit recruiters don't tell you what's going on. I knew the unit hadn't been to Iraq yet, but I wonder how long I would have been in the dark about all of this without that casual conversation with CPT Clark. I think my facts are straight, I'll clarify later if needed. I'm sorry I don't know more. I'm just trying to finish this semester and leave at some point in early May. I intended on talking about this with more people once I knew more and also in person. This solves a LOT of that problem, albeit impersonally. Obviously, this situation has created some friction in my family, which is never fun. Please understand if I am distant or seem to be distracted, because I am.
I've got to sleep now because I have a midterm tomorrow that's gonna kick me in the rear. I feel better after getting that off my chest. I hope you all are doing well.