i've been doing a lot of pondering...
this livejournal is bad for me... i only write in it when i'm depressed lol
so spring kallah was this weekend. i don't think i got anything out of it. that makes me pretty upset. thursday night and friday i was working on elections stuff, didn't really process anything else that was going on. cucumber mixer was one of the funniest things ever though. lost the election, didn't have any reaction at all, almost as if it'd just been a school assignment that i had finally finished. i'll be able to enjoy senior year though and participate, and i'll still be on cabinet and lead things and be hasty president, so that's all good. i was in my own head all saturday. led the program at the lincoln/vietnam memorials, and that was satisfying. it was really chill and relaxing, but the whole time i could only think about how david had been completely ignoring me. met kayce and raymond, both very cool. glad they'll still be around. went home to get ready for the night. talked with hannah for a long time while we waited, that was really nice, i wish i'd met her in nfty. took prom pictures, so cute. noam katz concert, completely undesired, i wanted to look nice for the dance, not the pre-concert. whatever. havdallah. completely upsetting. grouped by grade so we couldn't sit with the seniors, again only thinking about why david was ignoring me, and they changed the tunes... at spring havdallah? no, that's just wrong. dance was a blur, i barely remember it happening. didn't dance with any guys, dancing with girls is whatever. changed into real clothes first though, so at least i was comfortable again... but still annoyed that david was ignoring me. off in the luggage piles with micah and frodo and some other kids i didn't know. wearing the girl's hat and boa. whatever. senior circle time. i really like senior circle. sat with david for a while, was completely ignored. guilted into candygrams, wrote 10, 4 for him. back into the room. frodo passed me down delaware, that was the perfect thing from him. i was scared he'd give me his hair. he cut it too, looked just like mike fuld. meredith passed marebels to me, rachel wolman, hannah, and rachel barr, maybe someone else, don't remember. completely unexpected, i love her so much. david said he had a plastic foot with the bone sticking out for me to show the foot he has over me which is really cute... but he got it earlier, before spring. i left him when i got up for meredith, didn't go back. no idea what changed - at northern and thevent he was really really sweet and caring, and at spring completely cold. i barely got a hug. no idea why. none. so talia passed hasty to laura miller, and katie passed mar mommy to alyssa and me to her, so alyssa is my mommy and so is laura, but not together, and then hannah made my daddy with alyssa david rose-carmack, which is really fun. he's becoming one of my good friends, i'm glad he'll still be around. i'm really happy with what i got, it made me feel really loved, since i've never gotten anything before. rachel wolman and andrew yosim are basically the parents and/or children of half the region now. senior circle ended, girls room, guys room, stay-up room. two rounds of uno, bored. sat with david again, idn why. talked with marissa and rachel. alex smith came over, i love him. his kisses are cute. frodo calls the "clan" into the foyer. talks about its origins and its message. others kids completely mixing it up, turning it into excluding the "normal" kids. ugh. me and marissa get it. became friends with jp... random, cute. got bored, back into main hall. don't even remember where i went. back to foyer, eric playing guitar, bashing everyone who walked by, really funny though. forgot about the part earlier when a bunch of us crammed onto an air matress. i was next to david, again ignored. back to eric. he's great, so glad he and alyssa are together, i love him. geri called me out on starting to fall asleep. went out to foyer, slept on her pillow for a half hour. woke up freezing. alex comes over, got in his sleeping bag with him another 10 minutes. wake up. note, this writing is about how my brain was working... very little cohesion. bagels for breakfast. intentionally ignoring david at this point, enjoying the seniors, alyssa, geri, friends. dismissed to take our stuff outside. friendship circle, didn't get any candygrams, watched david from across the circle. longer than normal before forced to board buses. goodbyes. didn't cry, just choked up. why? why did i not cry? i love everyone so much this year! i cried last year, and i barely knew any seniors. bus ride home david fell asleep on me. i watched alex play pokemon in the seat in front of me. blurred goodbyes getting off the baltimore bus. took a HaSTY picture. went home, went to sleep.
that was 2 days ago.
yesterday was monday, and it sucked. a lot. i got a headache around first period and went into my bad to realize that i'd left my excedrin with my toiletries from the weekend. ignored it until 4th period when we had to do a practice AP in english with the longest readings imaginable, head throbbing. ate lunch, hoping it'd help. didn't. nurse 5th period, tylenol does nothing for me, asked to lay down, only allowed for 20 minutes because they had to go to lunch. weilert loses it 6th period. accuses us of either not paying attention or cheating. no way that a wrong answer could be because of an ungrasped concept or a correct answer be because of comprehension, no. mitch asked how he could get 3 tests in a row with right answers marked wrong, weilert says luck, mitch says that he must be a lucky son of a bitch then, weilert kicks him out, he leaves. journalism geoff still isn't doing anything, told to draw a comic about spiderman, plus get 2 more graphics. geoff wouldn't help. get home to fight with my mom about when i'm going to study because i tried to accept a babysitting job. there's the headache again. still have to go to work. by myself that night, 4-8, so time to think and ponder life. decided that i'm completely alone in the world, all for myself. parents only remotely on my side, friends sporadic... i have 3 people i can entirely count on. needed a hug right about then, majorly. texted david, got a bit of closure. shea came in to work, we talked while we were free, that was nice. got home, forgot about eating, it was too late. lay in bed, texted logan to tell him that he's one of my true friends. told me how much that means to him, that he feels the same. i needed to hear that... that i can at least count on something in life.
today is tuesday. woke up with a headache. remembered excedrin, went away pretty soon. did pretty well on physics test. chill remainder of day. finished comic for journalism, got it on page, learned how to. stayed after to prepare for nahs inductions. work. me and david, practically no business. completely boring. made a rainbow italian ice, tried the peanut butter flavor burst. $1.40 in tips. left early to get to nahs inductions by 8. explicitly told short i'd be there by 8. phone call from geri 7:40 that they were starting. pissed. get there 7:50, it's over. seriously, wtf. go inside, go up to short, no apology for making me take off work, she says "so can you clean up now?" i leave. most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. why does she have it in for me? get home, eat dinner, get online, watch house, back online. that's now.
bowling for soup tomorrow. extremely excited, figuring out rides though. that's a bitch. soooo excited though. so excited. like majorly. i'm getting a t-shirt, no question, and if i can get it signed i'd die. rest of the week is gonna be idn. it's been really blah or miserable or depressing so far. that's not cool. i felt like wearing a skirt today, though. good decision, i liked it. still wearing it actually. figured out rides now. so excited.
so basically, i don't know what's up these days. blah has been the definate theme. i need a solid rock in my life. my 3 are there for me, no question, but something still seems missing, and i really don't know what. i don't know how i can find it. i don't know what to do. obviously go on with my life, but what about that empty bit? it's really really awful, i hate it. i go to sleep at night hoping that at least my dreams will be better than the day. i had a good dream last night, hopefully tonight i can too. i don't know though. they're not real anyway, but still a temporary bit of bliss. i hate sounding emo like this. i really just need a hug though. i just need someone. i don't know. ignore this last paragraph. no one reads this anyway. it's mostly just for me to get my thoughts out. did that now. probably going to sleep. sleep is always safe.
so spring kallah was this weekend. i don't think i got anything out of it. that makes me pretty upset. thursday night and friday i was working on elections stuff, didn't really process anything else that was going on. cucumber mixer was one of the funniest things ever though. lost the election, didn't have any reaction at all, almost as if it'd just been a school assignment that i had finally finished. i'll be able to enjoy senior year though and participate, and i'll still be on cabinet and lead things and be hasty president, so that's all good. i was in my own head all saturday. led the program at the lincoln/vietnam memorials, and that was satisfying. it was really chill and relaxing, but the whole time i could only think about how david had been completely ignoring me. met kayce and raymond, both very cool. glad they'll still be around. went home to get ready for the night. talked with hannah for a long time while we waited, that was really nice, i wish i'd met her in nfty. took prom pictures, so cute. noam katz concert, completely undesired, i wanted to look nice for the dance, not the pre-concert. whatever. havdallah. completely upsetting. grouped by grade so we couldn't sit with the seniors, again only thinking about why david was ignoring me, and they changed the tunes... at spring havdallah? no, that's just wrong. dance was a blur, i barely remember it happening. didn't dance with any guys, dancing with girls is whatever. changed into real clothes first though, so at least i was comfortable again... but still annoyed that david was ignoring me. off in the luggage piles with micah and frodo and some other kids i didn't know. wearing the girl's hat and boa. whatever. senior circle time. i really like senior circle. sat with david for a while, was completely ignored. guilted into candygrams, wrote 10, 4 for him. back into the room. frodo passed me down delaware, that was the perfect thing from him. i was scared he'd give me his hair. he cut it too, looked just like mike fuld. meredith passed marebels to me, rachel wolman, hannah, and rachel barr, maybe someone else, don't remember. completely unexpected, i love her so much. david said he had a plastic foot with the bone sticking out for me to show the foot he has over me which is really cute... but he got it earlier, before spring. i left him when i got up for meredith, didn't go back. no idea what changed - at northern and thevent he was really really sweet and caring, and at spring completely cold. i barely got a hug. no idea why. none. so talia passed hasty to laura miller, and katie passed mar mommy to alyssa and me to her, so alyssa is my mommy and so is laura, but not together, and then hannah made my daddy with alyssa david rose-carmack, which is really fun. he's becoming one of my good friends, i'm glad he'll still be around. i'm really happy with what i got, it made me feel really loved, since i've never gotten anything before. rachel wolman and andrew yosim are basically the parents and/or children of half the region now. senior circle ended, girls room, guys room, stay-up room. two rounds of uno, bored. sat with david again, idn why. talked with marissa and rachel. alex smith came over, i love him. his kisses are cute. frodo calls the "clan" into the foyer. talks about its origins and its message. others kids completely mixing it up, turning it into excluding the "normal" kids. ugh. me and marissa get it. became friends with jp... random, cute. got bored, back into main hall. don't even remember where i went. back to foyer, eric playing guitar, bashing everyone who walked by, really funny though. forgot about the part earlier when a bunch of us crammed onto an air matress. i was next to david, again ignored. back to eric. he's great, so glad he and alyssa are together, i love him. geri called me out on starting to fall asleep. went out to foyer, slept on her pillow for a half hour. woke up freezing. alex comes over, got in his sleeping bag with him another 10 minutes. wake up. note, this writing is about how my brain was working... very little cohesion. bagels for breakfast. intentionally ignoring david at this point, enjoying the seniors, alyssa, geri, friends. dismissed to take our stuff outside. friendship circle, didn't get any candygrams, watched david from across the circle. longer than normal before forced to board buses. goodbyes. didn't cry, just choked up. why? why did i not cry? i love everyone so much this year! i cried last year, and i barely knew any seniors. bus ride home david fell asleep on me. i watched alex play pokemon in the seat in front of me. blurred goodbyes getting off the baltimore bus. took a HaSTY picture. went home, went to sleep.
that was 2 days ago.
yesterday was monday, and it sucked. a lot. i got a headache around first period and went into my bad to realize that i'd left my excedrin with my toiletries from the weekend. ignored it until 4th period when we had to do a practice AP in english with the longest readings imaginable, head throbbing. ate lunch, hoping it'd help. didn't. nurse 5th period, tylenol does nothing for me, asked to lay down, only allowed for 20 minutes because they had to go to lunch. weilert loses it 6th period. accuses us of either not paying attention or cheating. no way that a wrong answer could be because of an ungrasped concept or a correct answer be because of comprehension, no. mitch asked how he could get 3 tests in a row with right answers marked wrong, weilert says luck, mitch says that he must be a lucky son of a bitch then, weilert kicks him out, he leaves. journalism geoff still isn't doing anything, told to draw a comic about spiderman, plus get 2 more graphics. geoff wouldn't help. get home to fight with my mom about when i'm going to study because i tried to accept a babysitting job. there's the headache again. still have to go to work. by myself that night, 4-8, so time to think and ponder life. decided that i'm completely alone in the world, all for myself. parents only remotely on my side, friends sporadic... i have 3 people i can entirely count on. needed a hug right about then, majorly. texted david, got a bit of closure. shea came in to work, we talked while we were free, that was nice. got home, forgot about eating, it was too late. lay in bed, texted logan to tell him that he's one of my true friends. told me how much that means to him, that he feels the same. i needed to hear that... that i can at least count on something in life.
today is tuesday. woke up with a headache. remembered excedrin, went away pretty soon. did pretty well on physics test. chill remainder of day. finished comic for journalism, got it on page, learned how to. stayed after to prepare for nahs inductions. work. me and david, practically no business. completely boring. made a rainbow italian ice, tried the peanut butter flavor burst. $1.40 in tips. left early to get to nahs inductions by 8. explicitly told short i'd be there by 8. phone call from geri 7:40 that they were starting. pissed. get there 7:50, it's over. seriously, wtf. go inside, go up to short, no apology for making me take off work, she says "so can you clean up now?" i leave. most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. why does she have it in for me? get home, eat dinner, get online, watch house, back online. that's now.
bowling for soup tomorrow. extremely excited, figuring out rides though. that's a bitch. soooo excited though. so excited. like majorly. i'm getting a t-shirt, no question, and if i can get it signed i'd die. rest of the week is gonna be idn. it's been really blah or miserable or depressing so far. that's not cool. i felt like wearing a skirt today, though. good decision, i liked it. still wearing it actually. figured out rides now. so excited.
so basically, i don't know what's up these days. blah has been the definate theme. i need a solid rock in my life. my 3 are there for me, no question, but something still seems missing, and i really don't know what. i don't know how i can find it. i don't know what to do. obviously go on with my life, but what about that empty bit? it's really really awful, i hate it. i go to sleep at night hoping that at least my dreams will be better than the day. i had a good dream last night, hopefully tonight i can too. i don't know though. they're not real anyway, but still a temporary bit of bliss. i hate sounding emo like this. i really just need a hug though. i just need someone. i don't know. ignore this last paragraph. no one reads this anyway. it's mostly just for me to get my thoughts out. did that now. probably going to sleep. sleep is always safe.