Friends (repost)
Randomly now, I'm thinking of friends. I'm a bit of a loner, as most will attest, with the occasional very very good friend (John for the past few years now) with whom I can speak of most things. But still, I'm not a prolific friend-maker, and I consistently make sure I don't rely on anyone. Why? In one word, betrayal. Twice, I was (in a not-as-dramatic-as-it-sounds way) betrayed by friends.
The first time, someone who called himself my friend had the gall to ask me to make a choice between keeping him as my friend and being friends with some other person. I picked the other person, not necessarily because I liked him better, but because he didn't force me to make that choice. He moved a month or two later -- this was something I already knew about -- but the point was made to the other fellow. We never really spoke again (and I got attacked by his mother at one point; a very scary thing, when you're ten -- I'd like to say a word or two to her today...).
The second time around, I was friends with two people, and somehow (I'm not entirely sure how -- my memory of this particular incident is still overshadowed by that of the previous one) one of the two pulled the other away from me, and I found myself friendless.
These two events happened very close to each other -- within a year. The effect was huge, though not necessarily bad. In fact, I've always appreciated my self-containedness. Sometimes, it's a problem, as not being able to talk with people always is. But on the other hand, it means that I'm pretty much able to make it through everything, without *needing* anyone's help, even if such help does make it easier. First semester was probably the best example, when I had a loong bout of depression that I made it out of relatively unscathed, with little help (not for lack of trying, but because I wouldn't take it).
Really, it's sort of like sickness. You get sick and you take Tylenol, your body isn't ready next time around. If you let yourself get over it on your own, your body's stronger next time around, and you it gets better and better at fighting illness. It's a similar thing with dealing with whatever life throws at you: if something had you down and you drink it off day after day, or you smoke it away, or you simply ignore it some other way, it may leave for that moment but it'll come back to haunt you. And next time something like it happens, you'll get the combined brunt of both problems.
If you deal with the problems, big and little, however, then every time you're a little more ready for what's coming next.
Was there a point to this Xanga entry? A reason I wrote it? Nah, just some stuff on my mind.
The first time, someone who called himself my friend had the gall to ask me to make a choice between keeping him as my friend and being friends with some other person. I picked the other person, not necessarily because I liked him better, but because he didn't force me to make that choice. He moved a month or two later -- this was something I already knew about -- but the point was made to the other fellow. We never really spoke again (and I got attacked by his mother at one point; a very scary thing, when you're ten -- I'd like to say a word or two to her today...).
The second time around, I was friends with two people, and somehow (I'm not entirely sure how -- my memory of this particular incident is still overshadowed by that of the previous one) one of the two pulled the other away from me, and I found myself friendless.
These two events happened very close to each other -- within a year. The effect was huge, though not necessarily bad. In fact, I've always appreciated my self-containedness. Sometimes, it's a problem, as not being able to talk with people always is. But on the other hand, it means that I'm pretty much able to make it through everything, without *needing* anyone's help, even if such help does make it easier. First semester was probably the best example, when I had a loong bout of depression that I made it out of relatively unscathed, with little help (not for lack of trying, but because I wouldn't take it).
Really, it's sort of like sickness. You get sick and you take Tylenol, your body isn't ready next time around. If you let yourself get over it on your own, your body's stronger next time around, and you it gets better and better at fighting illness. It's a similar thing with dealing with whatever life throws at you: if something had you down and you drink it off day after day, or you smoke it away, or you simply ignore it some other way, it may leave for that moment but it'll come back to haunt you. And next time something like it happens, you'll get the combined brunt of both problems.
If you deal with the problems, big and little, however, then every time you're a little more ready for what's coming next.
Was there a point to this Xanga entry? A reason I wrote it? Nah, just some stuff on my mind.