a reply
God, I wish I could talk
but it all sounds so stupid coming out of my mouth in real time
and all it does is bum people out
my thoughts about death
man, it's like they're there all the time, and it just takes something little to bring them out
or the nighttime
or me being alone
God, that aching just never goes away
it's dormant sometimes, and sometimes TV can shut it up
but then you do something like listen to music
and the music moves in you like a deep kiss
and it awakens everything that's trying to get out
and all you can do is cry
but it's not something where you release the bad
it's just the sadness moves in you like waves, pulsing through your whole body until you can't breathe
grief that clings to your soul like leeches, that won't leave you alone
that suck your life dry until you can't even move anymore cuz it hurts so bad
but if i talk about stuff like this
if i cry out loud with other people
everyone gets uncomfortable
like they just want to forget that people die
or that people leave
or else they hug me too tight, trying to take the pain away
but no one can share my pain
my pain is mine, caught in my lungs like a shaky breath
i don't even want it but it stays
the only thing that i can count on more than Jesus
and Jesus had a lot of pain, don't tell me that He didn't
i don't know why everyone says that "God so loved the world that He gave His only Son"
if you love someone so much you give yourself, not your child
you save your child from pain
i know God is Jesus and all of that
but why didn't God come Himself?
was He not able?
why did His Son go in his place?
i don't understand
i don't understand pain
i don't understand suffering
there are so many people suffering that we can't even make an indent in the pain
no matter how much we do, it's not enough
which isn't to say people should stop helping others
it's just that God, I thought you came to take away the pain
or to offer release from it
is death the release?
cuz even that hurts all the people still left here
sometimes i wish that everything could be wiped out, but all at once with no pain
then no one would have to feel sad cuz no one would be here
but that would be terrible too
to have an absence of life everywhere
i don't know what i want
i just know i don't want this anymore
but it all sounds so stupid coming out of my mouth in real time
and all it does is bum people out
my thoughts about death
man, it's like they're there all the time, and it just takes something little to bring them out
or the nighttime
or me being alone
God, that aching just never goes away
it's dormant sometimes, and sometimes TV can shut it up
but then you do something like listen to music
and the music moves in you like a deep kiss
and it awakens everything that's trying to get out
and all you can do is cry
but it's not something where you release the bad
it's just the sadness moves in you like waves, pulsing through your whole body until you can't breathe
grief that clings to your soul like leeches, that won't leave you alone
that suck your life dry until you can't even move anymore cuz it hurts so bad
but if i talk about stuff like this
if i cry out loud with other people
everyone gets uncomfortable
like they just want to forget that people die
or that people leave
or else they hug me too tight, trying to take the pain away
but no one can share my pain
my pain is mine, caught in my lungs like a shaky breath
i don't even want it but it stays
the only thing that i can count on more than Jesus
and Jesus had a lot of pain, don't tell me that He didn't
i don't know why everyone says that "God so loved the world that He gave His only Son"
if you love someone so much you give yourself, not your child
you save your child from pain
i know God is Jesus and all of that
but why didn't God come Himself?
was He not able?
why did His Son go in his place?
i don't understand
i don't understand pain
i don't understand suffering
there are so many people suffering that we can't even make an indent in the pain
no matter how much we do, it's not enough
which isn't to say people should stop helping others
it's just that God, I thought you came to take away the pain
or to offer release from it
is death the release?
cuz even that hurts all the people still left here
sometimes i wish that everything could be wiped out, but all at once with no pain
then no one would have to feel sad cuz no one would be here
but that would be terrible too
to have an absence of life everywhere
i don't know what i want
i just know i don't want this anymore