Why am I awake at 1:15? Oh, that's right; I'm too nauseous to sleep.
I'm up anyway, I might as well be thinking.
[forgive me when it's random.]
I checked out Dave Becker's artwork tonight, and I just love it so much.
I love photography and my fingers are aching to have a black and white camera in my hands again. god I wish I could just be in the photo lab again.
I spent the day sleeping, cuz I can only sleep in the day.
{for those of who you missed the memo, i have pneumonia
which subsequently means i can't finish out this semester either
- insert sound of brains blowing out here - }
actually, scratch that
that's disgusting and so disrespectful for me to joke about that when everyone is dying
i feel like i'm made of thick, solid lead
i can't walk by myself
i think it's mostly my soul rather than the pneumonia
so many things weighing on you takes their toll
so many things that i can't even put into words
but that i cry out at night for
i miss so much
so so so much...
It's been really hard to wake up lately.
The sickness is part of it but it's just life in general. I'm trying so hard not to think about it, but I know he's leaving. I know it and I can't do anything about it. And I know we'll keep in touch. It's just that being separated is hard to handle, and I'm already separated from everyone else.
There's only a few people I can feel real comfort from.
It's hard to lose them, one by one, like dry sand through my fingers.
My heart is aching, just aching and aching like I'm going to die. If you've never felt it, you can't possibly understand. But today I realized something. When it aches, I return to these special memories that I have, that I can never really tell anyone about unless they were with me. The few happy things that have been engraved on my soul. And it's too bad that these things are less easy to access, and a thousand times harder to remember than some really bad things that have happened in my life. But the thing is that these memories are life; these are my life. And the reason I'm so sad when another person leaves is because they're part of those bittersweet memories. It's like having part of my life taken away forever.
Sometimes I never want to meet people again.
Remember what you said to me once? "Sunday School today started with the statement "If you were to meet a friend, how would you go about doing it?" And I was like "I don't want to have to do it again.""
This is what I'm feeling. Some days I pretend to myself that I'm strong enough to not let anyone in anymore, so that I can never be hurt again*. But the thing is that it's so lonely to not have someone know you. To walk wherever you are, the mall, the street, school, and know that no one really cares about you, because how could they if they don't even know you? I want to have friends, and I am friendly. So why don't circumstances work out for me? Why should I always have to be alone in the end? And no one can be alone with you, don't try and tell me that line. When you're alone, you're alone. And you feel it, and you know it. And it's because no one knows you; no one desires to know you deeper, you can't or won't let anyone in. Or else they won't let you in.
*{side note: Is that being strong enough or weak enough?}
I think I hate college. And I think it's because it's so alone there. The closest friend I have is one of my teachers, surprise, surprise. She's the only one who understands with me what it's like to have people be ripped away from you. To lose everything and have nothing left, and still put a good face on on the outside. The college that I go to is a bubble, just like high school was. People there don't know reality. Maybe it's that people everywhere don't know reality. Maybe that's why I'm so alone.
Or maybe it's me. I don't want to take the first step anymore. I don't want to get used to other people's idiosyncrasies, or their mannerisms like I have so many times before. I want to lose myself in the familiar, just this once, and have it be so sweet and satisfying. Because it's really hard to be satisfied now with what I've been handed. I don't want to lose anything again. I don't even want my favorite TV shows to end. TV is what I've been doing lately. Watching the same old shows over and over again. Boy Meets World and Friends and others. Ones that I can lose myself in, because I love those characters like they were my friends. Stupid thing to be so attached to a TV show. But the thing with TV is that you can go back and live moments over and over again. You can't do that in real life. You can't rewind and rewind, sucking nostalgia from it. You can't get an ounce of the feeling back once it's over. But with TV you can. So I've been filling up the silence with their words instead of my own. Because it hurts to think anymore, and it hurts to cry, and it hurts to be alive. And even though the TV shows are sad, they're just reflecting my life. Ending and not beginning anything new. Just ending and ending and ending without fail.
It's been a long night.
Maybe the medicine's talking.
But at least I said something.
[forgive me when it's random.]
I checked out Dave Becker's artwork tonight, and I just love it so much.
I love photography and my fingers are aching to have a black and white camera in my hands again. god I wish I could just be in the photo lab again.
I spent the day sleeping, cuz I can only sleep in the day.
{for those of who you missed the memo, i have pneumonia
which subsequently means i can't finish out this semester either
- insert sound of brains blowing out here - }
actually, scratch that
that's disgusting and so disrespectful for me to joke about that when everyone is dying
i feel like i'm made of thick, solid lead
i can't walk by myself
i think it's mostly my soul rather than the pneumonia
so many things weighing on you takes their toll
so many things that i can't even put into words
but that i cry out at night for
i miss so much
so so so much...
It's been really hard to wake up lately.
The sickness is part of it but it's just life in general. I'm trying so hard not to think about it, but I know he's leaving. I know it and I can't do anything about it. And I know we'll keep in touch. It's just that being separated is hard to handle, and I'm already separated from everyone else.
There's only a few people I can feel real comfort from.
It's hard to lose them, one by one, like dry sand through my fingers.
My heart is aching, just aching and aching like I'm going to die. If you've never felt it, you can't possibly understand. But today I realized something. When it aches, I return to these special memories that I have, that I can never really tell anyone about unless they were with me. The few happy things that have been engraved on my soul. And it's too bad that these things are less easy to access, and a thousand times harder to remember than some really bad things that have happened in my life. But the thing is that these memories are life; these are my life. And the reason I'm so sad when another person leaves is because they're part of those bittersweet memories. It's like having part of my life taken away forever.
Sometimes I never want to meet people again.
Remember what you said to me once? "Sunday School today started with the statement "If you were to meet a friend, how would you go about doing it?" And I was like "I don't want to have to do it again.""
This is what I'm feeling. Some days I pretend to myself that I'm strong enough to not let anyone in anymore, so that I can never be hurt again*. But the thing is that it's so lonely to not have someone know you. To walk wherever you are, the mall, the street, school, and know that no one really cares about you, because how could they if they don't even know you? I want to have friends, and I am friendly. So why don't circumstances work out for me? Why should I always have to be alone in the end? And no one can be alone with you, don't try and tell me that line. When you're alone, you're alone. And you feel it, and you know it. And it's because no one knows you; no one desires to know you deeper, you can't or won't let anyone in. Or else they won't let you in.
*{side note: Is that being strong enough or weak enough?}
I think I hate college. And I think it's because it's so alone there. The closest friend I have is one of my teachers, surprise, surprise. She's the only one who understands with me what it's like to have people be ripped away from you. To lose everything and have nothing left, and still put a good face on on the outside. The college that I go to is a bubble, just like high school was. People there don't know reality. Maybe it's that people everywhere don't know reality. Maybe that's why I'm so alone.
Or maybe it's me. I don't want to take the first step anymore. I don't want to get used to other people's idiosyncrasies, or their mannerisms like I have so many times before. I want to lose myself in the familiar, just this once, and have it be so sweet and satisfying. Because it's really hard to be satisfied now with what I've been handed. I don't want to lose anything again. I don't even want my favorite TV shows to end. TV is what I've been doing lately. Watching the same old shows over and over again. Boy Meets World and Friends and others. Ones that I can lose myself in, because I love those characters like they were my friends. Stupid thing to be so attached to a TV show. But the thing with TV is that you can go back and live moments over and over again. You can't do that in real life. You can't rewind and rewind, sucking nostalgia from it. You can't get an ounce of the feeling back once it's over. But with TV you can. So I've been filling up the silence with their words instead of my own. Because it hurts to think anymore, and it hurts to cry, and it hurts to be alive. And even though the TV shows are sad, they're just reflecting my life. Ending and not beginning anything new. Just ending and ending and ending without fail.
It's been a long night.
Maybe the medicine's talking.
But at least I said something.