how can so many things go wrong
It’s so weird how we’re all going through the same thing; the same feelings, the same guilt, the same need to do better in our own lives. The same need to remember people. People who knew Amanda and Scott really well, people who didn’t know them as well. Teachers, friends, family. People far away from Reading and people who live there now. I remember when Steve died and everybody came together as one. I feel like that’s happening now…that everyone isn’t as focused on the bad things about people, but the fact that others love just as much as they do. It’s so sad that it takes death to have that happen.
I feel…terrible. I just do. For so many different reasons, some logical, some completely illogical. Someone told me tonight that it was okay to cry. I know that, I swear it. I think that people think I never cry, because I like to pretend that I don’t. Well, I do. I don’t watch the news because it makes me cry. People’s deaths make me cry. Children’s deaths make me cry. Even a lot of the time when it’s people I don’t know. I may occasionally cry over my own relationships or if I’ve had a really bad day, but most of the crying I do is over death and people leaving. I’ve heard that you can be too people-oriented, and I guess that’s what I am. But what would you rather have me be instead? Uncaring and cold? I admit, maybe I am a little over the top in the lengths that I’ll go to make someone happy. But the point is that I fucking care if somebody lives or dies. Even if I just know them a little, little bit. And I know most everyone else feels the same way.
I want people to know me. I want somebody here at school to know me like Andrew knows me. Now, I realize that takes time. I mean, out of four years of high school and seven years of knowing him in general, we only started being really close within the last year and a half. But the thing is that there really isn’t anyone here that has time to connect with me like I so desire. Maybe cuz this school is so fucking BUSY all the time. In the beginning, and even when I had mono, I had some really good friends. People that I could really depend on, that really loved me. And I know that they still love me, but we’re not really close anymore. I’m lucky if I see them once a week, tops. Lindell is the one exception. We can really pick up wherever we left off, which is very good. Cuz I think I’d go crazy if I didn’t have someone that I could call to come physically see me when I’m upset. But even he’s really busy and we don’t get to hang out as much as we’d like. And all I have to say is, what the fuck is wrong with me? I mean, there are people here who have no depth and don’t care about other people, and even they have close friends that they spend all their time with. Am I destined to be alone? Is that what this is all about? I feel like it’s true. Everyone I’ve ever gotten close with has left me and gone far, far away. Some of them I’ve lost touch with totally, and we rarely talk, if ever. I try calling, I try keeping up the relationship, but it doesn’t work a lot of the time. God, at night I feel so alone sometimes. I put on music, anything to try and help me forget that there’s no one around. But nothing really makes it better. I am home here, and I love my school. But I’m not really home until I’m back with people who really love me, and who I really love, like my brother, like Andrew, like Pastor Alan, like my mom.
I almost wish that I didn’t care as much about everyone. I might be able to be much happier. But that’s a big fucking lie. I could never not care. I could never leave someone stranded, or pretend like I don’t see what’s going on. I don’t know how anyone can be that out of touch.
I hope that there is a Heaven, and that Amanda and Scott are in it. Sometimes you question your faith when bad things happen. Some people say that’s bad to do, but they’re wrong. If God is understanding and loving, He understands us asking things like that. And I guess I’ll never understand, but I’d bet anything that this wasn’t part of God’s “plan,” like some people are trying to pull off saying that it was. I’m pretty sure He didn’t want Amanda and Scott to die, or approve it, or anything like that. I just hope they’re safe in God’s hands. I hope that He welcomed them with so much love…I just want that so bad for everyone.
I feel…terrible. I just do. For so many different reasons, some logical, some completely illogical. Someone told me tonight that it was okay to cry. I know that, I swear it. I think that people think I never cry, because I like to pretend that I don’t. Well, I do. I don’t watch the news because it makes me cry. People’s deaths make me cry. Children’s deaths make me cry. Even a lot of the time when it’s people I don’t know. I may occasionally cry over my own relationships or if I’ve had a really bad day, but most of the crying I do is over death and people leaving. I’ve heard that you can be too people-oriented, and I guess that’s what I am. But what would you rather have me be instead? Uncaring and cold? I admit, maybe I am a little over the top in the lengths that I’ll go to make someone happy. But the point is that I fucking care if somebody lives or dies. Even if I just know them a little, little bit. And I know most everyone else feels the same way.
I want people to know me. I want somebody here at school to know me like Andrew knows me. Now, I realize that takes time. I mean, out of four years of high school and seven years of knowing him in general, we only started being really close within the last year and a half. But the thing is that there really isn’t anyone here that has time to connect with me like I so desire. Maybe cuz this school is so fucking BUSY all the time. In the beginning, and even when I had mono, I had some really good friends. People that I could really depend on, that really loved me. And I know that they still love me, but we’re not really close anymore. I’m lucky if I see them once a week, tops. Lindell is the one exception. We can really pick up wherever we left off, which is very good. Cuz I think I’d go crazy if I didn’t have someone that I could call to come physically see me when I’m upset. But even he’s really busy and we don’t get to hang out as much as we’d like. And all I have to say is, what the fuck is wrong with me? I mean, there are people here who have no depth and don’t care about other people, and even they have close friends that they spend all their time with. Am I destined to be alone? Is that what this is all about? I feel like it’s true. Everyone I’ve ever gotten close with has left me and gone far, far away. Some of them I’ve lost touch with totally, and we rarely talk, if ever. I try calling, I try keeping up the relationship, but it doesn’t work a lot of the time. God, at night I feel so alone sometimes. I put on music, anything to try and help me forget that there’s no one around. But nothing really makes it better. I am home here, and I love my school. But I’m not really home until I’m back with people who really love me, and who I really love, like my brother, like Andrew, like Pastor Alan, like my mom.
I almost wish that I didn’t care as much about everyone. I might be able to be much happier. But that’s a big fucking lie. I could never not care. I could never leave someone stranded, or pretend like I don’t see what’s going on. I don’t know how anyone can be that out of touch.
I hope that there is a Heaven, and that Amanda and Scott are in it. Sometimes you question your faith when bad things happen. Some people say that’s bad to do, but they’re wrong. If God is understanding and loving, He understands us asking things like that. And I guess I’ll never understand, but I’d bet anything that this wasn’t part of God’s “plan,” like some people are trying to pull off saying that it was. I’m pretty sure He didn’t want Amanda and Scott to die, or approve it, or anything like that. I just hope they’re safe in God’s hands. I hope that He welcomed them with so much love…I just want that so bad for everyone.