letting go

[savedbygrace77]

I'm not sure if letting go ever gets easier as you get older.  I'm not sure if having to powerlessly watch a friendship diminish is ever something that passes without a trace.  What a strange reason to come back to LJ huh?  Its funny how one day you feel like you have finally known complete vulnerability with someone- and the next circumstances arise and...even when you dont want them to...the walls reerrect themselves, and you find yourself shutting down again.  I dont want this to happen, I dont.  I just dont know how to stop it.  I dont know how to share you.  I will admit, I am struggling to concede the passenger seat to someone else.  I will admit, I dont like having to be fit into your schedule...and i know that's hypocritical since we both have schedules (but you have to admit yours is much more full than mine)...  I've hated that for a while now and our present circumstance has only made that worse!  DANG IT...I always personalize entries, I make them selfish and deceptive, and immature because I point at people and type with this faint suspicion and hope that they are actually as naive as I want to give them credit for.  You're not stupid, I know you'll know this is about you...and i want to say I'm sorry.  I'm sorry if I haven't been myself.  I'm trying to like this, I'm praying (really...i'm not just saying it) that this will sit well in my heart.  I really just dont know how to walk this ground.  I dont know how to love you in context now....that's not right, I don't know how to practically express that i love you in context now!  I feel like I'm relearning how to act around you.  There is akwardness I've not known between us for years.  For the first time in nearly six months I dont feel compelled to tell you ever detail of my life...and I dont like that.  I dont like seeing us move on.  I knew it was coming, you knew it was coming, but now that it's here I'm unsure, and scared, and prideful, and confused...while you seem so sure (that's a change, huh?).

Regardless, please do not feel hurt, I do still love you...I just am learning what that looks like now.