yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down.
I watched someone die today.
My preceptor thought it would be a good experience to watch a code blue - cardiac arrest. And, it was, if 'good' can be considered an appropriate word. I was impressed with how calm and organized everything was, and if it were I in that situation, these are the people I'd want in my care. There are no paddles, no intubation, just nurses taking turns performing chest compressions and the administration of a cocktail of drugs to try to increase the heart rate, blood pressure, anything, until it's decided that nothing is working - or, in today's case, that the family decides to stop these measures based on the patient's wishes. I rushed out of the room as soon as the husband rushed in, and I turned in time to see his face as he looked at his wife. I really wish I hadn't.
Two years ago, I was introduced to my first clinical experience in pharmacy in my therapeutics lectures. These seemingly brilliant (now, I know better) clinical pharmacists came in and told us endless stories of experiences in the hospital. We didn't just talk about a patient's medications - we talked about their symptoms, their diagnoses, their lab values. What did this WBC count mean about the antibiotic therapy? Why can't this person in kidney failure be on this medication? And I was awed by the vast knowledge of these people - they had an answer for every question, seemed to know everything. These people knew just as much - if not more, in certain situations - than doctors, and their decisions directly impacted patient care. If they wanted a drug to be changed, it was changed. They almost had a prescribing authority. I loved it, and I decided at that point that I wanted to be just like them.
Opinions change, of course. Many of my classmates are extremely gung-ho about pharmacy and want to further their education with clinical residencies - another year or two of on-the-job training with lots of hours and little pay. I decided against this when I realized that I couldn't have it all. If I wanted to get married and move in with my fiancé after over seven years together - which I desperately do - I couldn't also pursue a residency, as they didn't exist in his city. I also grew tired of the constant studying and grind of pharmacy school, especially after my last year of classes. I'm tired of being in school, tired of working all the time for little pay, and I'm ready to move on with my life. If I truly wanted to do this - thought that clinical pharmacy was the only way for me - I'd hold off on the wedding and wait. But I just don't have that drive. I think pharmacy school has taken the last of my motivation and I'm ready to think about something else than my career - my future husband, our future family. I'd rather take a much higher paying job in retail pharmacy, working with people - which I love to do - and start paying down the debts, saving for a down payment, planning for our future.
I feel as if I'm in the minority here, at least when I look at my classmates. My life does not revolve around my career - it revolves around my faith, my fiancé, my friends, my four little sisters at home. I don't plan on working 40 hours a week when I start having kids and although I've busted my ass to get where I am, at the end of the day this is just a job. I plan on my life being everything outside of the pharmacy.
And while I had this view before today, I think my experience in the code situation just gave me more reason to believe it. I watched someone die today. I will never forget it - but to these doctors, nurses, pharmacists, it's just another day. I just can't imagine being that desensitized to death, which may be why I'll be happy counting pills and choosing the right over the counter medicine for a cold.
My preceptor thought it would be a good experience to watch a code blue - cardiac arrest. And, it was, if 'good' can be considered an appropriate word. I was impressed with how calm and organized everything was, and if it were I in that situation, these are the people I'd want in my care. There are no paddles, no intubation, just nurses taking turns performing chest compressions and the administration of a cocktail of drugs to try to increase the heart rate, blood pressure, anything, until it's decided that nothing is working - or, in today's case, that the family decides to stop these measures based on the patient's wishes. I rushed out of the room as soon as the husband rushed in, and I turned in time to see his face as he looked at his wife. I really wish I hadn't.
Two years ago, I was introduced to my first clinical experience in pharmacy in my therapeutics lectures. These seemingly brilliant (now, I know better) clinical pharmacists came in and told us endless stories of experiences in the hospital. We didn't just talk about a patient's medications - we talked about their symptoms, their diagnoses, their lab values. What did this WBC count mean about the antibiotic therapy? Why can't this person in kidney failure be on this medication? And I was awed by the vast knowledge of these people - they had an answer for every question, seemed to know everything. These people knew just as much - if not more, in certain situations - than doctors, and their decisions directly impacted patient care. If they wanted a drug to be changed, it was changed. They almost had a prescribing authority. I loved it, and I decided at that point that I wanted to be just like them.
Opinions change, of course. Many of my classmates are extremely gung-ho about pharmacy and want to further their education with clinical residencies - another year or two of on-the-job training with lots of hours and little pay. I decided against this when I realized that I couldn't have it all. If I wanted to get married and move in with my fiancé after over seven years together - which I desperately do - I couldn't also pursue a residency, as they didn't exist in his city. I also grew tired of the constant studying and grind of pharmacy school, especially after my last year of classes. I'm tired of being in school, tired of working all the time for little pay, and I'm ready to move on with my life. If I truly wanted to do this - thought that clinical pharmacy was the only way for me - I'd hold off on the wedding and wait. But I just don't have that drive. I think pharmacy school has taken the last of my motivation and I'm ready to think about something else than my career - my future husband, our future family. I'd rather take a much higher paying job in retail pharmacy, working with people - which I love to do - and start paying down the debts, saving for a down payment, planning for our future.
I feel as if I'm in the minority here, at least when I look at my classmates. My life does not revolve around my career - it revolves around my faith, my fiancé, my friends, my four little sisters at home. I don't plan on working 40 hours a week when I start having kids and although I've busted my ass to get where I am, at the end of the day this is just a job. I plan on my life being everything outside of the pharmacy.
And while I had this view before today, I think my experience in the code situation just gave me more reason to believe it. I watched someone die today. I will never forget it - but to these doctors, nurses, pharmacists, it's just another day. I just can't imagine being that desensitized to death, which may be why I'll be happy counting pills and choosing the right over the counter medicine for a cold.