(no subject)
I wish stuff sometimes.
when it comes to boys, the things I wish tend to come true more often than not. I need to be more careful with my manifestations. I need to try not to just get plastered and sleep with people I actually like once, and then leave awkwardly in the morning. I think I really, really like keith. this is a problem because I am reasonably sure that he doesn't really, really like me back. even that I can't be sure of though. before we had sex I totally thought he was into me for the longest time. he was always staring at me, and standing a little too close to me, and blushing when I caught him doing either of those things. now, after that crazy drunken night when we finally gave in... things feel weird, and I am forced to remember that I really don't know this person at all. that I just tend to put the face of the last person I slept with on the fantasy of this perfect boy. it's funny that they always seem so perfect on the surface. it's ridiculous that they always believe I'm what they want.
I'm what everyone wants.
and it's really not because I'm universally desirable or anything... it's just because I'm a liar. sometimes when I'm feeling optimistic about myself and my life, I allow myself to create a euphemism for that. I am a social chameleon. I am resourceful. I am socially mutable. I'm a gemini. I am a many layered, complicated being. lately I am forced to accept that there is no halfway when it comes to truth. there is the truth, and I mean the whole thing. anything less is a lie. I have discovered in my life that I can make almost anyone believe almost anything. I can spin words and gestures and facial expressions into an irreffutable web of deciet, and I have spent much of my life doing just that... I am manipulative. I was born with a golden tongue and big, pretty, expressive eyes. it makes me wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to have an honest connection with anyone. ever. it's so hard when you can get anything you want, but you feel morally opposed to using what you have to get it. it's like having a billion dollars but feeling wrong about spending it.
even so...
it's so hard to stop myself from thinking of ways to snare him. of ways to get him alone again. what I should be thinking about is how to pay my rent. about how my stomach is eating itself. about like, salvaging the shreds of my relationship with shareef. what I should NOT be thinking about is how much I want to wake up in keith's messy apartment every morning until I ... well, until I inevitably get sick of him, take all his money, ruin his life, and move on to one of his friends, I guess.
wow. I'm not a very good person.
maybe I should just sit this one out... maybe I should just let it be one of those nights where you get really, really fucked up and do something you probably shouldn't have done that you're probably never going to do again. maybe I should focus less on imaginary relationships and crushes, and more on getting my life in order and mending fences with the people I've hurt. maybe... just maybe, I could actually do the right thing for once instead of doing all the wrong things just because I'm afraid to have anything worth losing.
maybe I should move to barcelona, because I can.
I don't want to run anymore. I remember when I first met shareef... how magical everything seemed back then. how much I loved my life and how much I wanted him to be a part of it forever. we used to talk about our futures as if they necessarily included each other, and I loved that too. things used to be so much better. was it a product of my own limited capacity for love, or a product of my short attention span? was it me at all? was it him? these are all the questions you ask yourself after things crash and burn and feel... final. I have to hope they're not as final as they seemed on saturday... or do I? I'm so damn confused. maybe it's just time to walk away before it hurts too much more. maybe I should cut my losses and just move on to something else. something better. that's what I've always done in the past whenever anything got too hard... and just look at me now! I guess maybe that's the point of it all. if one action necessarily yields a negative result, I suppose it's unwise to repeat said action with hopes that you'll achieve a positive one. insane, even.
goodbye, keith.
hello, life.
when it comes to boys, the things I wish tend to come true more often than not. I need to be more careful with my manifestations. I need to try not to just get plastered and sleep with people I actually like once, and then leave awkwardly in the morning. I think I really, really like keith. this is a problem because I am reasonably sure that he doesn't really, really like me back. even that I can't be sure of though. before we had sex I totally thought he was into me for the longest time. he was always staring at me, and standing a little too close to me, and blushing when I caught him doing either of those things. now, after that crazy drunken night when we finally gave in... things feel weird, and I am forced to remember that I really don't know this person at all. that I just tend to put the face of the last person I slept with on the fantasy of this perfect boy. it's funny that they always seem so perfect on the surface. it's ridiculous that they always believe I'm what they want.
I'm what everyone wants.
and it's really not because I'm universally desirable or anything... it's just because I'm a liar. sometimes when I'm feeling optimistic about myself and my life, I allow myself to create a euphemism for that. I am a social chameleon. I am resourceful. I am socially mutable. I'm a gemini. I am a many layered, complicated being. lately I am forced to accept that there is no halfway when it comes to truth. there is the truth, and I mean the whole thing. anything less is a lie. I have discovered in my life that I can make almost anyone believe almost anything. I can spin words and gestures and facial expressions into an irreffutable web of deciet, and I have spent much of my life doing just that... I am manipulative. I was born with a golden tongue and big, pretty, expressive eyes. it makes me wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to have an honest connection with anyone. ever. it's so hard when you can get anything you want, but you feel morally opposed to using what you have to get it. it's like having a billion dollars but feeling wrong about spending it.
even so...
it's so hard to stop myself from thinking of ways to snare him. of ways to get him alone again. what I should be thinking about is how to pay my rent. about how my stomach is eating itself. about like, salvaging the shreds of my relationship with shareef. what I should NOT be thinking about is how much I want to wake up in keith's messy apartment every morning until I ... well, until I inevitably get sick of him, take all his money, ruin his life, and move on to one of his friends, I guess.
wow. I'm not a very good person.
maybe I should just sit this one out... maybe I should just let it be one of those nights where you get really, really fucked up and do something you probably shouldn't have done that you're probably never going to do again. maybe I should focus less on imaginary relationships and crushes, and more on getting my life in order and mending fences with the people I've hurt. maybe... just maybe, I could actually do the right thing for once instead of doing all the wrong things just because I'm afraid to have anything worth losing.
maybe I should move to barcelona, because I can.
I don't want to run anymore. I remember when I first met shareef... how magical everything seemed back then. how much I loved my life and how much I wanted him to be a part of it forever. we used to talk about our futures as if they necessarily included each other, and I loved that too. things used to be so much better. was it a product of my own limited capacity for love, or a product of my short attention span? was it me at all? was it him? these are all the questions you ask yourself after things crash and burn and feel... final. I have to hope they're not as final as they seemed on saturday... or do I? I'm so damn confused. maybe it's just time to walk away before it hurts too much more. maybe I should cut my losses and just move on to something else. something better. that's what I've always done in the past whenever anything got too hard... and just look at me now! I guess maybe that's the point of it all. if one action necessarily yields a negative result, I suppose it's unwise to repeat said action with hopes that you'll achieve a positive one. insane, even.
goodbye, keith.
hello, life.