(no subject)

Feb 28, 2009 19:14

Things seem to be accelerating rapidly these days. Sometimes it's hard to tell where it started and where it will surely end. Sometimes it's hard to believe that things are really as good as they seem when I'm waking up in his arms, or falling asleep in them, or getting taken care of like I swore you never would again. Occasionally it's plausible to wonder what the limit is, or when I'll reach it... the line between the love/hate differences our relationship seems to embody and the place where the differences overshadow the reasons to accept them. I'm happier than I've ever been, but in a more cautious, complicated way than before. My life feels sometimes as if it's attached to invisible threads that have various breaking points. I find myself creating and maintaining a precarious balance of the applied pressure and it's natural culmination. The maintaining - as always - is the hardest part. The threads are all attached to such important and integral parts of me that the snapping of any single one is a horror worthy concept. Sometimes I feel like the importance of each thread is inversely proportionate to the level of pressure it will take to break it. I tread more carefully these days. The goal was always to find myself happy with nothing to lose, but I've learned lately that nothing is more impossible to achieve. If the goal is happiness, and you have through whatever means reached that goal, the proponents that make it possible are precious and should be guarded with appropriate consideration. Sometimes I feel as though I came from nothing and gained too much too fast. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for me to fumble just one of the many things that make me keep breathing day-to-day...
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