(no subject)
I can't decide whether I'm really angry or really sad. The only time I don't feel like this is when I'm with Leggs. More when I'm riding her than when she won't stop wandering and pushes me around with her nose and such...
I know what I did to Matt was really horrible and I hate myself for it. Shit, I can't even go one day without thinking about it. I wished and wished for nearly two months that he'd just say hello to me again and when he did, when he mentioned coming to Melbourne my hopes really lifted. I hoped that maybe this was my chance to make it up to him, maybe things could go back to the way they were....now he doesn't seem to be talking to me again. Part of me thinks that it was some sort of revenge, to hurt me like I hurt him...the other thinks I'm just being stupid and he's just busy. I can't decide who's the rational/logical one.
I know I have good things at the moment. What did Inken say? "In Africa children die"? Least I'm not dying. Least I have my one hour with Leggs. Least I have a house, a family. Least I don't have cancer....
Why do I still dwell on the negatives then? Why do I always just see how unpopular I am? Why can I only ever see that I'm fat and that I can't do anything to change that because I barely have the energy to go to school for a few periods let alone exercise? Why can I only see that I've had insomnia for like 5 years and there's no hope of a cure in sight? Why do I only see that every person I've ever had a crush on has liked someone else? And the one crush that was into me? I totally fucked it up. Even girls aren't interested...
I'd like to think I'd never change myself for anyone but I've got to wonder what I'm doing wrong. Am I really that unattractive? Is it my low self confidence? Do I appear real butch because I prefer to hang out with boys? Am I overly sexual/crude? Do I emit weird vibes? Is it my pessimism?
I'd pay to just be able to sit in Legg's stall all day and just watch her. I've never met anyone that can make me forget like she can. Nothing matters when I'm with her. It's just all about the way she moves, the way I should keep my hands and lower leg, the way her ears move when I ask her to do things and the way she canters when she gets excited about jumping...
I'm getting that weird Forever Love hyperventilation thing again Penny, although I guess you'd be proud of me getting rid of chemicals...
I know what I did to Matt was really horrible and I hate myself for it. Shit, I can't even go one day without thinking about it. I wished and wished for nearly two months that he'd just say hello to me again and when he did, when he mentioned coming to Melbourne my hopes really lifted. I hoped that maybe this was my chance to make it up to him, maybe things could go back to the way they were....now he doesn't seem to be talking to me again. Part of me thinks that it was some sort of revenge, to hurt me like I hurt him...the other thinks I'm just being stupid and he's just busy. I can't decide who's the rational/logical one.
I know I have good things at the moment. What did Inken say? "In Africa children die"? Least I'm not dying. Least I have my one hour with Leggs. Least I have a house, a family. Least I don't have cancer....
Why do I still dwell on the negatives then? Why do I always just see how unpopular I am? Why can I only ever see that I'm fat and that I can't do anything to change that because I barely have the energy to go to school for a few periods let alone exercise? Why can I only see that I've had insomnia for like 5 years and there's no hope of a cure in sight? Why do I only see that every person I've ever had a crush on has liked someone else? And the one crush that was into me? I totally fucked it up. Even girls aren't interested...
I'd like to think I'd never change myself for anyone but I've got to wonder what I'm doing wrong. Am I really that unattractive? Is it my low self confidence? Do I appear real butch because I prefer to hang out with boys? Am I overly sexual/crude? Do I emit weird vibes? Is it my pessimism?
I'd pay to just be able to sit in Legg's stall all day and just watch her. I've never met anyone that can make me forget like she can. Nothing matters when I'm with her. It's just all about the way she moves, the way I should keep my hands and lower leg, the way her ears move when I ask her to do things and the way she canters when she gets excited about jumping...
I'm getting that weird Forever Love hyperventilation thing again Penny, although I guess you'd be proud of me getting rid of chemicals...