277. Things I Used to do Before I Got an iPhone
Okay I love my iPhone. Not in that kind of 'OMG iPhones are amazing look how shiny it is' (it is very shiny to be fair) but in the considerably more disturbing sense that I get separation pangs when we're apart and there's literally no distance I wouldn't drive to retrieve it if I left it behind or somebody stole it and I could follow them with the where's my iphone app. Much as I love the thing though I am very aware that there are whole segments of the human experience I no longer engage in at all. Some of this things are redundant or the iPhone has simply supplanted, but some of them I miss; some of them were useful life skills that I kind of wish I hadn't lost the ability to do.
Anyway it's been a while and I'm pretty sure nobody reads this anyway but if you are and you didn't already know. I like lists. I bit of a list addict, so here's a list of things I miss since I bought an iPhone and they became no longer necessary.
1. The ability to have pointless arguments about film stars
It's not something most people seem to miss but I'm a man who enjoys his arguments about who was in what film, which bond came first and the such. With the iPhone though, you are just getting into the argument with everybody is chipping in and reminiscing about the films to try and sort the thing out and before you know it the iPhone is out on IMDb you have the answer and the conversation is over. You can't get a really drunken wager going on if you only have 2 minutes to get riled up about the thing you are wrong about. The world is losing out on a rich vein of stupid drunken wagering...
2. The ability to watch foreign films.
I don't watch them anymore. Not really anyway. You want to know why? iPhone is why. I can't watch a foreign film because every time it gets to a particularly plot intensive part of the film (read dull) my hand goes on autopilot I take out my phone and check Facebook. When I return to the film 5 minutes later on I have inevitably missed the core piece of the jigsaw that makes the whole film make sense and when I reach the dramatic finale I just sit there thinking 'Dafuq did I just see?' at which point I google the plot synopsis and read the story (90% of the time I google the plot synopsis in the first 5 minutes anyway).
3. The ability to go further than 10 yards from a plug socket.
iPhone users you know what I'm saying here. The battery life on these things compares to my old Nokia 3310 like I compare to Usain Bolt in sprinting ability. Also why not make it so you can take the battery out Apple? Why not make it so you can take the battery out and carry round a spare? Arseholes.
4. The ability to carry out any non screen based activity for longer than 10 minutes.
My concentration span is now 10 minutes, sometimes a bit more but frequently a lot less. If there's no screen involved it's unlikely I'm going to be able to stick at it for longer without getting sucked back into the interweb via my phone. Thankfully I've recently discovered that I can at least read books on my kindle fire without feeling cut off from the world and or slightly bored. That bit in the meeting where you think I am looking for an old email you asked me about... I'm sneaking in a speed round of Candy Crush Saga...
5. The ability to take directions.
I hear you telling me to go but I'm not listening. I'm thinking about how awesome a saddled T-Rex would be for commuting to work. When you finish talking I'm going to ask you the post code and get there by sat nav after using google street view to work out if it's near a chip shop.
6. The ability to remember what I have an haven't told people.
I didn't tell you about this crucial thing that happened in my life and you are annoyed. I on the other hand am confused because in my head the 'told friends and family' button has been firmly switched to the on position. Then I remember that not everyone checks Facebook and that in fact the only people that regularly do I've never met or met only once.
7. The ability to take directions.
Aha fooled you. I am not losing my mind. The directions I'm talking about this time are not geographical. You'll be telling me the correct way to do blah blah blah and I'll be pretending to take notes on my phone while secretly thinking about how best to zombie proof my house in the event of an un-dead apocalypse. After you've gone I'm going to look up how to do it on youtube from someone I inexplicably trust more than I apparently trust you.
8. The ability to communicate effectively in any other medium than email.
Read your emails people. It's an efficient packet on information that requires no irritation and records what you say like a mother fucking court stenographer. I don't want to talk to you on the phone for 2 reasons: 1 I can't effectively Google the answers to your questions and pretend I already knew them while talking on the magic window to knowledge and 2: because you are going to get derailed and end up making chit chat and I'm going to get impatient and then offend you by hurrying you along.
9. The ability to walk past something I like without taking a photo.
My phone is just full of pictures which I have no idea why I took but I thought would be useful later. Worse half of them were taken on the fly while travelling at speed in a car I was supposed to be driving.
10.The ability to travel outside the range of mobile coverage
If there's no signal... I'm not going.
There are more I'm sure but to be I could be here all day. Basically lets just say that iPhone has made me into an information junkie. I don't care if the information is pictures of cats fighting with lightsabers or wikipedia entries on serial killers. I can't go longer than 10 minutes without having some new input. Unless I'm driving and then I'm using it as an iPod and taking pictures of trees that look a bit like the Faceook 'like' sign.
*photo couresty of stealing a conversation between me and my sister...