I kinda sicken me
Rant time.
Haha ya.. the scary thing I wrote before kinda looks like crap. That's what I get for typing past my bed time!
Moving on. How do you know you're a horrible person? It's really easy. It's what happens when everyone else seemingly have worse lives then you and yet you still have the audacity to feel bad yourself.
I have a group of friends online that I talk to pretty much every day. They're all really wonderful people in their own way. We RP together, plot together, and yes... complain to each other. About everything from mothers and fathers to sexual harassment or job hunting issues (which I'm having now as well). The problem is I can only nod my head or give them an internet pat on the back. I just don't understand them.
I'll use one example. Everyone complains about their mother. It's not an unusual thing. However, it seems the mothers my friends have are... well hurtful. I know it's not true and they do have good things to say once in a while, but most of the time the posts we put up seem to go like this:
Exaggerated for your benefit.
Friend: My mom is a jerk!
Me: I'm sure she was just trying to help you in her own way!
Friend: I feel horrible right now, I'm crying, and I think my mother is laughing at me while giving me the middle finger and plotting ways to make my life horrible.
Me: O_O *awkward pat pat on the back*
What do you say to that? How do you respond? Now I've gone and made myself look like a jerk because I ether type too fast or the friend didn't reveal much of the predicament before I decided to speak. And the thing is, I can't really respond to that. Other friends would type "Oh, I know how you feel" or "I've had that problem too. My mother..." All I can do is hide in the shadows of the internet as I wait for a subject change. I really feel bad about this when it happens too. I really, REALLY want to be next to them to hug them or make them smile in any way. But I can't do anything without somehow (in my mind) making it worse. I love my mother and I've never had a real reason to hate her. She's my best friend. I can never relate with something like that. It happens with all types of subjects. Family issues? My family is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me (one exception). School? I studied and never complained (much). Boys? Hahahahaha what boys? Bullies? If I had them I've never noticed.
All this points to one thing: I have nothing to complain about. I look around and I have barely any problems. I must have gotten the lucky foot off the rabbit's body, right?
And after all this... ALL THIS I still have the audacity to feel bad about my life. I have a puppy I can hug when I'm feeling down. I have resources others don't that I can (and do) abuse for some of my problems. I laugh a lot, I smile, I have good food and good friends. Yet sometimes that huge wave of sadness hits me and I'm a reject loser who can't do anything right in her life... I can't get a job, I sucked at school, people are laughing... LAUGHING at my attempt to live life. The laughter is what gets me. I can feel their disgust at my words or my antics seeping into me and I care about what they think. I can't turn my head and say "oh I'm better then them" or ignore it. I care and I want them to be proud. Who's they? Everyone I know and love... friends, acquaintances, random kind people off the street. Oh I act fucking brave and social but after every sentence my first thought is "shit why didn't I keep my mouth shut. They hate me I know it. Shit shit shit no no no I'm going to throw up." The bloody guilt eats away at me too, the cherry one my pity party's cake. I have no right to think like that when others have it worse and they're still doing fine.
So then I sit, thinking how horrible I am while I feel just as shitty as I know I must be. My stomach hurts as my mind sets about explaining specifically why no one really likes me, internet or real. They're only tolerating me. Sometimes I bring myself on the edge of tears, but I usually find something to distract me. Reading is one thing. No one can hate me if I'm not here, right?
I've prided myself on having pretty good empathy. I was always the friend to go to when you were feeling horribly blue and sad, even if I've never had your problem before. Broken up with a boyfriend? Hugs for you and plots to kill him. Friend fight? Try to fix the issue and get both of them feeling better. Every time you're feeling down I would be right there to try and make you feel better. Heck, even my roommate got annoyed when I tried to cheer her up when she wasn't sad one too many times (turned out to be a "zombie mode" for her if you will... completely neutral despite what the face looked like). But now? I bet according to my internet friends I'm the awkward chick that's too socially retarded to even care about them.
Another cherry. I'm complaining to LJ about this. I'm broken somewhere and I'm trying to fix it.
... I have a friend, my greatest friend, who I think works along these lines as well. It takes all of me not to shake her and tell her how she is a fantastic person and how she's wonderful the way she is. She shouldn't be sad about any of this shit because it's not true. People love her despite faults and cracks. Heck, it only makes her more beautiful, unique, special etc on all the corny terms but it works. It bloody works on her. Mistakes are made but others do and will understand...
I wish I could take my own bloody advice.
((Editted))
Shit. I can't even complain because Iknow it would make other feel bad with me! I spend five minutes trying to decide what to type and in the end, it was nothing but a place holder. I can't tell anyone. I think this is how Gil feels. I need a hug.
Haha ya.. the scary thing I wrote before kinda looks like crap. That's what I get for typing past my bed time!
Moving on. How do you know you're a horrible person? It's really easy. It's what happens when everyone else seemingly have worse lives then you and yet you still have the audacity to feel bad yourself.
I have a group of friends online that I talk to pretty much every day. They're all really wonderful people in their own way. We RP together, plot together, and yes... complain to each other. About everything from mothers and fathers to sexual harassment or job hunting issues (which I'm having now as well). The problem is I can only nod my head or give them an internet pat on the back. I just don't understand them.
I'll use one example. Everyone complains about their mother. It's not an unusual thing. However, it seems the mothers my friends have are... well hurtful. I know it's not true and they do have good things to say once in a while, but most of the time the posts we put up seem to go like this:
Exaggerated for your benefit.
Friend: My mom is a jerk!
Me: I'm sure she was just trying to help you in her own way!
Friend: I feel horrible right now, I'm crying, and I think my mother is laughing at me while giving me the middle finger and plotting ways to make my life horrible.
Me: O_O *awkward pat pat on the back*
What do you say to that? How do you respond? Now I've gone and made myself look like a jerk because I ether type too fast or the friend didn't reveal much of the predicament before I decided to speak. And the thing is, I can't really respond to that. Other friends would type "Oh, I know how you feel" or "I've had that problem too. My mother..." All I can do is hide in the shadows of the internet as I wait for a subject change. I really feel bad about this when it happens too. I really, REALLY want to be next to them to hug them or make them smile in any way. But I can't do anything without somehow (in my mind) making it worse. I love my mother and I've never had a real reason to hate her. She's my best friend. I can never relate with something like that. It happens with all types of subjects. Family issues? My family is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me (one exception). School? I studied and never complained (much). Boys? Hahahahaha what boys? Bullies? If I had them I've never noticed.
All this points to one thing: I have nothing to complain about. I look around and I have barely any problems. I must have gotten the lucky foot off the rabbit's body, right?
And after all this... ALL THIS I still have the audacity to feel bad about my life. I have a puppy I can hug when I'm feeling down. I have resources others don't that I can (and do) abuse for some of my problems. I laugh a lot, I smile, I have good food and good friends. Yet sometimes that huge wave of sadness hits me and I'm a reject loser who can't do anything right in her life... I can't get a job, I sucked at school, people are laughing... LAUGHING at my attempt to live life. The laughter is what gets me. I can feel their disgust at my words or my antics seeping into me and I care about what they think. I can't turn my head and say "oh I'm better then them" or ignore it. I care and I want them to be proud. Who's they? Everyone I know and love... friends, acquaintances, random kind people off the street. Oh I act fucking brave and social but after every sentence my first thought is "shit why didn't I keep my mouth shut. They hate me I know it. Shit shit shit no no no I'm going to throw up." The bloody guilt eats away at me too, the cherry one my pity party's cake. I have no right to think like that when others have it worse and they're still doing fine.
So then I sit, thinking how horrible I am while I feel just as shitty as I know I must be. My stomach hurts as my mind sets about explaining specifically why no one really likes me, internet or real. They're only tolerating me. Sometimes I bring myself on the edge of tears, but I usually find something to distract me. Reading is one thing. No one can hate me if I'm not here, right?
I've prided myself on having pretty good empathy. I was always the friend to go to when you were feeling horribly blue and sad, even if I've never had your problem before. Broken up with a boyfriend? Hugs for you and plots to kill him. Friend fight? Try to fix the issue and get both of them feeling better. Every time you're feeling down I would be right there to try and make you feel better. Heck, even my roommate got annoyed when I tried to cheer her up when she wasn't sad one too many times (turned out to be a "zombie mode" for her if you will... completely neutral despite what the face looked like). But now? I bet according to my internet friends I'm the awkward chick that's too socially retarded to even care about them.
Another cherry. I'm complaining to LJ about this. I'm broken somewhere and I'm trying to fix it.
... I have a friend, my greatest friend, who I think works along these lines as well. It takes all of me not to shake her and tell her how she is a fantastic person and how she's wonderful the way she is. She shouldn't be sad about any of this shit because it's not true. People love her despite faults and cracks. Heck, it only makes her more beautiful, unique, special etc on all the corny terms but it works. It bloody works on her. Mistakes are made but others do and will understand...
I wish I could take my own bloody advice.
((Editted))
Shit. I can't even complain because Iknow it would make other feel bad with me! I spend five minutes trying to decide what to type and in the end, it was nothing but a place holder. I can't tell anyone. I think this is how Gil feels. I need a hug.