And I always thought I could make it everything alright

[savage_muffin]

I don't think I've ever felt so horrible in my life before. No matter how much I try, I end up hating my self because of all the confusion I manage to cause for myself. I miss him so much. It hurts. But there isn't any easy way out. I swear I tried to look into myself and find something...fucking anything to help me find the right answer...what to do. I sound like some cliche bitch crying about life. Yet I just can't stop crying. I want so much to go back and be happy again for two seconds in his arms and deal with it another time. Yet where the hell would my strength be...the strength everyone, at least I want myself so much to have. It's so funny how weak I feel. Just talking to him and trying to explain things was so difficult. I choked on almost every word I said and I wanted nothing more to just tell him to forget everything I said. But I know where that would go: a circle. Right back to where we were. And I knew the decision I was making wasn't going to be easy. I just didn't think it would be this hard. I usually feel like eating three pounds of food when I feel sad, but now I just feel like I have to throw up. I'm even shivering. It's funny. I wonder what a sane version of myself would think of this crap...but then again there is no sane version of me. I never had to end something with someone I loved. I lost my friendship with Emily and that was hard but at the same time it was different. Mike and I were just...two years. I changed so much in so many good ways b/c of him. And I love him so much. So so much. But love isn't enough no matter who fucking says. When was love ever enough in this world? It's all bullshit. People come and go. I've seen it happen to so many people before. But why the hell did I think I was any different? any more fucking special... I know someone would tell me "it's okay. you move on and you will realize everything will turn out good". I feel like I can't be with anyone ever. And I know I just feel like that right now and all that shit...but the feeling is still there no matter who tells me everything will be better. I want my head to stop but it wont. I want the images to stop. I want to stop feeling like I have to run back into his amrs. I want to stop feeling like I have to keep crying. I want to stop feeling like everything is shit. I just want... I don't even know what I want anymore. The funny thing is...I cause all of this shit for myself. I wish I could make myself better and share more with him and what is him...but in the end I'm just me and it sucks. It sucks because I want to be there and give him everything and at the same time I know that I can not escape what I feel is the right decision. But my right decisions are also fucked up. Listen to myself. Damn. Why the fuck do I have to feel like this and then laugh at myself at the same time. It's all so funny. And so sad.
I just want to stop hurting but I know that foolish. Very foolish. And in the end, one word comes to mind: pathetic.