Count your blessings...
...I'm not sure if counting is the most effective way to quantify one's good fortune in life. I just realized when I wrote the title of this journal that it was an echo from my grandmother...she used that phrase too often and it made me frown rather than elate me with gratefulness, at the time I didn't know why. Now I do. Rather than fill me with thankfulness it filled me with guilt.
Yes Grandmother I'm blessed right now...
I have a family who deeply cares for me, accepts me, respects me and loves me. They're not perfect, but I never expected perfection.
I have friends who love me. Seriously, love me. I feel funny confessing this now, but if you would have took a time machine back ten years and asked me "How do you see yourself as a young woman..." You would have gotten something like...well, "A misunderstood frumpy angry elitist librarian who hates the world." Luckily for me, I had met very special people in my life who repaved the road I was on for a more pleasant sunny journey toward healthy actualization.
I accomplished a college education and paid for it myself.
I work at a job that doesn't pay the best, nor does it utilize me probably to the fullest BUT....the people I work with really respect me, and they tell me I'm a joy to be near, and they make me feel at home...which oddly enough can be difficult in the Home department. My boss is grumpy as ever, but she loves me. And I really enjoy my work.
I live in an extremely comfortable luxurious apartment that makes me feel incredibly happy and cared for.
I live with roommates who take care of me and forgive me when I do stupid shit, they make me feel welcome, needed and loved.
I have a kitten named Elroy which my friends can testify is possibly the most wonderful cat ever.
In February I got officially inducted to the kinky community and I am being a complete hedonistic pain-glut about it. I feel tingly just thinking about it.
I have amazing health. My teeth suck, my eyes suck, and my toe's broke, but I have a body that I appreciate.
I have an amazing mind, that can be preoccupied and amused by almost anything. Boredom is a void, I try to avoid.
Basically. I got the good life.
Which means whenever I'm bitchy, pissy, unhappy, I am ridden with guilt. I feel so horribly ungrateful over the life that's been given to me.
"Why am I not happy today? Why does this silliness piss me off so much? I need to learn to let things go."
Maybe I can sweep it under the big fluffy carpet of "I just care too much"
Or maybe I should deny myself that scapegoat and say flat out "I am a high maintenance snooty spoiled brat"
Or maybe...underneath my bubbly happy charming disposition is a growing absess of insatiability rooting from something fractured in my childhood.
Or maybe...I just had a bad day.
What ever the case, Grandma, I don't want to hear about blessings anymore.
I'm blessed, okay? I get it.
What I crave...is forgiveness.
Forgiveness.
For every time I took my anger out on someone who didn't deserve it
For every time I slacked off on a duty I should have done better but wasn't in the mood.
For every time I intentionally forgot about a favor I should have done for a friend but didn't because of a stupid grudge I had
For every time I took advantage of people who cared about me out of selfishness
For every time I was too afraid to say "No."
For every time I was too worried to say "Yes"
For every time I passed unsolicited judgment on a human being, knowing full-well they would never devalue me in that way
For every time I got under someone's skin....because I wanted to.
For every time I had the sudden urge to use or objectify someone I loved who hurt me, but I was too afraid to tell them
For every time I raised my voice too loud
For every time I didn't raise my voice at all.
For every time I let someone else clean up after my mess
For every time I didn't bother helping to clean up your mess
For every time I didn't say "Thank you"
For every time I didn't bother to check in on my friends when they needed it but I was too busy doing something else.
And yea....you get the picture.
I am not grateful for my blessings, but I am grateful that I have been forgiven by my friends who chose to turn the other cheek when I had my claws out, or to look the other way when I stepped on their toes. I've gotten so much unconditional kindess, its really humbled me lately.
Thank you,
Love you, as much as I can,
Probably not half of what you deserve
But you all make me strive to try and give a little more.
And that's the best gift I've ever received.
Peace.
Abby
Yes Grandmother I'm blessed right now...
I have a family who deeply cares for me, accepts me, respects me and loves me. They're not perfect, but I never expected perfection.
I have friends who love me. Seriously, love me. I feel funny confessing this now, but if you would have took a time machine back ten years and asked me "How do you see yourself as a young woman..." You would have gotten something like...well, "A misunderstood frumpy angry elitist librarian who hates the world." Luckily for me, I had met very special people in my life who repaved the road I was on for a more pleasant sunny journey toward healthy actualization.
I accomplished a college education and paid for it myself.
I work at a job that doesn't pay the best, nor does it utilize me probably to the fullest BUT....the people I work with really respect me, and they tell me I'm a joy to be near, and they make me feel at home...which oddly enough can be difficult in the Home department. My boss is grumpy as ever, but she loves me. And I really enjoy my work.
I live in an extremely comfortable luxurious apartment that makes me feel incredibly happy and cared for.
I live with roommates who take care of me and forgive me when I do stupid shit, they make me feel welcome, needed and loved.
I have a kitten named Elroy which my friends can testify is possibly the most wonderful cat ever.
In February I got officially inducted to the kinky community and I am being a complete hedonistic pain-glut about it. I feel tingly just thinking about it.
I have amazing health. My teeth suck, my eyes suck, and my toe's broke, but I have a body that I appreciate.
I have an amazing mind, that can be preoccupied and amused by almost anything. Boredom is a void, I try to avoid.
Basically. I got the good life.
Which means whenever I'm bitchy, pissy, unhappy, I am ridden with guilt. I feel so horribly ungrateful over the life that's been given to me.
"Why am I not happy today? Why does this silliness piss me off so much? I need to learn to let things go."
Maybe I can sweep it under the big fluffy carpet of "I just care too much"
Or maybe I should deny myself that scapegoat and say flat out "I am a high maintenance snooty spoiled brat"
Or maybe...underneath my bubbly happy charming disposition is a growing absess of insatiability rooting from something fractured in my childhood.
Or maybe...I just had a bad day.
What ever the case, Grandma, I don't want to hear about blessings anymore.
I'm blessed, okay? I get it.
What I crave...is forgiveness.
Forgiveness.
For every time I took my anger out on someone who didn't deserve it
For every time I slacked off on a duty I should have done better but wasn't in the mood.
For every time I intentionally forgot about a favor I should have done for a friend but didn't because of a stupid grudge I had
For every time I took advantage of people who cared about me out of selfishness
For every time I was too afraid to say "No."
For every time I was too worried to say "Yes"
For every time I passed unsolicited judgment on a human being, knowing full-well they would never devalue me in that way
For every time I got under someone's skin....because I wanted to.
For every time I had the sudden urge to use or objectify someone I loved who hurt me, but I was too afraid to tell them
For every time I raised my voice too loud
For every time I didn't raise my voice at all.
For every time I let someone else clean up after my mess
For every time I didn't bother helping to clean up your mess
For every time I didn't say "Thank you"
For every time I didn't bother to check in on my friends when they needed it but I was too busy doing something else.
And yea....you get the picture.
I am not grateful for my blessings, but I am grateful that I have been forgiven by my friends who chose to turn the other cheek when I had my claws out, or to look the other way when I stepped on their toes. I've gotten so much unconditional kindess, its really humbled me lately.
Thank you,
Love you, as much as I can,
Probably not half of what you deserve
But you all make me strive to try and give a little more.
And that's the best gift I've ever received.
Peace.
Abby