Entre l'Amour et la Mort, Chapter 11

[sav8801]

Title: Entre l'Amour et la Mort
Author: P-L
Word count: 8295
Fandom: The Hollows, AKA the Rachel Morgan Series, Rachel/Ivy
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Those characters belong to Kim Harrison.  I'm just having a little fun with them.
Summary: A run gone wrong sets events into motion, events that lead to a bittersweet realisation... and the birth of Rachel's worst nightmare.


The sound of Ivy fussing about welcomed me into the kitchen, and I while I walked in, I was silently glad she was on the other side of it. Without doing anything particularly threatening, it felt like she was dropping the temperature several degrees, her motions edging more than a little into vamp quickness. A half full glass of orange juice sat on the corner of the antique table, next to one of her brimstone-laced cookies, a single bite missing from it. Her head disappeared into the freezer, a clean dishtowel in her left hand. With a creaking of plastic, she loosened a handful of ice cubes that she wrapped into the towel, bringing them to her knuckles, staining the white cloth with her blood. Her hands looked even worse than I thought, swollen, raw, seeping blood, and I wasn’t entirely sure she hadn’t broken something. She’d really done a number on herself.

“The pain helps sometimes. It grounds me.” She said before I could ask, in a flat voice that betrayed neither physical nor emotional pain, her back still turned to me. Her tone was distant, as if she was gazing upon some distant memories I didn’t want to know about; the extents she had to go to through to keep her bloodlust bottled up when it gained on her, especially for those three years without any kind of release, were not something I was keen on exploring.

“Can I see?” I swallowed softly, keeping my voice low so it would stay steady. I was still shaky from Skimmer, and she was scaring me. A lot. It had been a long time since I’d seen her this intense, but I wanted to make sure she was at least okay on a physical level. “You might have hurt yourself.”

Ivy turned to face me slowly, the freezer door shutting with a quiet thud behind her. Her spiky hair fell around her lowered face, hiding her eyes from view, but the current of frosty air that twined about me told me they were probably black as sin. It was irrational, but the sore red mark on her neck seemed to glare at me accusingly somehow.

“I don’t think you want to touch me right now, Rachel.” I didn’t miss the emphasis she put on “me”. Damn it all to hell, telling her I’d slept with Marshall would have been hard enough with Skimmer available to console her. I never would have expected that the blond vamp would have dumped Ivy that way, and now, she didn’t have anyone to run to and cry until she got herself together, except maybe Cormel, and I would rather bare my neck to her and beg than let her go to an undead in the shape she was in. She was hungry, restless, and, most importantly, in desperate need of some comfort, a dangerous mix that even a relatively decent vampire like him would take advantage of. Add to it that I probably smelled more tempting that sex incarnate to her with Skimmer’s scent covering me, mixing with my own as well as hers. Not to mention Marshall’s scent... her nose had to be giving her a hard time, and the odds were stacking up against me.

Nice going, Rachel... Double damn, this would’ve been a good time to use my special perfume, I thought, mentally kicking myself for not dabbing a little of the perfume that blocked a vamp’s sense of smell Ivy had given me. I used it sparingly, the damn thing costing more than several months’ worth of runs, but this hardly counted as waste; hell, if I didn’t play my cards right, I’d end up without a vamp in my life to use it, but slipping out of the kitchen to put some of it on would be an admission of guilt, and Ivy would latch on to it without ever giving me a chance to explain.

“Let me see your hand, Ivy.” I asked again, and without waiting for her permission, took her battered fingers gently in mine. I carefully felt for breaks in the delicate bones and found none, yet my eyes kept going from her hand to her face, watching for any cues; she didn’t look good, and not strictly because she was depressed. Her face showed obvious discomfort, and even though she was doing it discreetly, I could see her massaging her side where the bullet had penetrated.

What are you even doing out of the hospital? Not even you can heal a gunshot wound that fast. Maybe she had felt fine, but hurt herself when she wrestled Skimmer off of me. I almost immediately regretted thinking that; it’s not like I needed any extra guilt...

“Are you sure you’re ready to be home yet?” I asked, still holding her hand, my eyes searching for hers. I didn’t want to let go, afraid she would leave to go find some other way to forget the pain. I wanted to offer a little comfort at least; it wasn’t because I’d slept with Marshall that Skimmer dumped her. The issues weren’t related, and she had to understand that I was there for her anyway. Truth be told, I wanted to hug her so badly, but... well, life just sucks sometimes, and it would be a bad idea to touch her any more than I already was when she was still trying to get herself under control. Damn bloodlust.

“I’m fine.” She answered curtly, trying to pull her hand away, but I held fast. Could I really keep hold to it if she tried? No way, but her attempts were half-hearted, and I gripped her hand more firmly in both of mine, looking unconvinced and concerned at the black-haired vamp. “I am fine.” She repeated more slowly, almost threateningly. “I just got tired of spending my every waking moment alone with my mother.” Her words made yet another stab of guilt shoot through me. If only I hadn’t been such a chicken shit and had faced the music, and Ivy’s mother, by visiting more and making her stay in the hospital more bearable, maybe this whole mess would have been averted.

“I’m sorry. I should have faced the big bad vamp.” I apologised.

“Never mind.” She answered and buried her face in her hands. “I just wish... damnit, why did she have to choose now to stop shunning me, of all times?” I didn’t have to ask to know she was talking about Skimmer.

“How did she get out?” I asked softly. “Is she really supposed to be out or did someone pull strings to...” I trailed off, wanting to know if she would own someone distasteful a favour for this. Or if the I.S. would come knocking with questions about an escaped blond-haired, blue-eyed vampire.

“She’s a lawyer, and a good one.” Ivy scoffed at my doubts. “She had her case in the bag three days after they locked her up, she just chose to stay in.” Her eyes grew distant, a small, sad shadow of a smile playing on her lips. “It was an “absence makes the heart grow fonder” kind of thing. She wouldn’t even accept conjugal visits, for God’s sake. She preferred feeding on vamp junkies rather than letting me see her, the pig-headed fool.” Did the fondness in her voice make uncomfortable? Only about as much as jumping up and down barefoot in a pile of rusty nails...

“When Erica visited her and told her about the incident, she kicked everything into gear and got herself out. And now she’s gone. Damnit.”

“I’m sorry about Skimmer, but...” I began to offer, stopping and shivering involuntarily when she met my eyes, frowning at me with twin black orbs.

“Why?” She scoffed harshly. “Why would you be sorry, you never even liked her. Shouldn’t you be glad she won’t be showing up here anymore?”

“I...” I hesitated, taken aback by her open hostility, then sighed. “Ivy, it doesn’t matter what I think. I know she was... is important to you.”

“Just what did you think, exactly? I never understood why you two weren’t at least on talking terms. She tried to be friendly, plenty of times at first, but you never even gave her a chance.”

“Hey, she was bitchy with me all the time.” I protested after Ivy jerked her hand away from mine, without leaving me any chance to hold on this time. “Just because she didn’t wear a T-shirt reading “I hate Rachel’s gut”, doesn’t mean she was genuinely friendly.”

I took slow, backward steps away from Ivy, the tension almost leaving her as I did, her nose no longer giving her such a hard time. She reached for her glass, downing half of it with a mouthful of brimstone cookie.

Easier to be apart. Always fucking easier to be apart. I thought in a surge of bitterness that showed on Ivy’s face as well. In a perfect world, we would have been sitting in front of the TV in our pj’s with a tub of rocky road, while she cried on my shoulder; I could have acted like her best friend. In our world, even the smallest physical comfort was out of reach. Life. Sucks.

“Skimmer wasn’t friendly, Ivy, she was manipulative.” I said with my arms crossed, the frustration loosening my tongue. “She only pretended to try and get along with me so she wouldn’t rub you the wrong way.”

“She had that much decency, at least.” Ivy muttered into her glass, making my jaw drop slack. “Unlike you, she tried to make me more comfortable in this whole mess, if only a little.”

“Hey, in case you missed it while you were busy getting her off me, before she bit me, thank you very much, Skimmer just dumped you, just because you wouldn’t bite her!  In front of me!  Why are you taking her side?!”

“Because in order for her to dump me, we had to have a real relationship in the first place!” She shouted, slamming her glass on the table. For a second her eyes were ablaze with pain and resentment, but it was quickly replaced by regret; it was too late anyway. The cat was out of the bag.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I gritted my teeth, focusing on my lingering anger so I could pretend her slipup wasn’t ripping bloody gouges into my heart. We had something, something real. We did, or at least I thought so. What if she really had been only pretending for my sake in the last months? Was she really as miserable as Jenks said?

“Rachel, I’m sorr-” She begun with her head lowered in shame.

“Because let’s be honest, here, Ivy, you’re better off without her and your real relationship!” I cut her off, my voice dripping with scorn.  “She dumped you because you wouldn’t fuck her in front of me! Yeah, that sounds so real to me! But I guess old habits die hard, don’t they?”

Ivy’s head whipped up, all trace of shame gone. Her face was void of anger, but the temperature in the room dropped even lower, so much so that I was surprised I wasn’t able to see my breath turn into mist, as she pulled an aura on me. The kitchen faded from my awareness, only Ivy’s black eyes remaining. My heart started racing, as if it wanted to jump out of my chest and run the hell away from the angry vampire before she decided to rip it out and eat it.

Okay, so maybe I could stuff my foot in my mouth with the best of them, too...

“What did you say?” Ivy asked slowly, with deadly calm, her battered knuckles turning white on her glass.  “Old habits die hard?”

“I know about you two.” I admitted, more subdued, although unlike her, I wasn’t ashamed of what I said. “I know... what she did to you when you were in high school.”

“What she did to me?!” Ivy exclaimed, bewildered. “Are you actually telling me you hate her because she showed me men aren’t the only option, Rachel? Because ultimately she made me love you? Can you really be this self-centered?”

“Ivy, that’s not what I meant! God, don’t you see? She was using you as a source of blood and sex back then, and she’s doing the exact same thi- Jesus!” I never finished my sentence, because something flew within an inch of my face at roughly a zillion miles per seconds, crashing against the wall behind me with a thunderous noise, drops of citrus-scented liquid splattering me as I ducked away from the shower of glass and juice.

My blood ran cold as I spotted the dent in wall; Christ, Ivy could’ve easily killed me with that glass if she hadn’t had such great hand-eye coordination, but honestly, what the glass hadn’t done, she looked more than ready to get her hands dirty and do herself. Her face was set in murderous anger, her hands braced on the kitchen table clenched tightly enough to make the solid wood groan in protest.

“Who told you that? WHO?! I want to-” she seethed, but quickly grew quiet. Her eyes shifted quickly, and I could almost see the gears spinning in her head. “Bastard. You rat-sucking son of a bitch! Kisten, Rachel? You talked to him about Skimmer and me?”

“Well, yeah...” I was too stunned to hear her calling Kisten that, and maybe a little shaky after a glass grazed my nose at terminal speed, to provide any more of an answer.

“And it never crossed your mind that he might be trying to turn you against her? Or did you think Skimmer and I are the only two jealous vampires in the world? Do you think I’m the only one who instinctively dislikes those who split the attention of those I care about?”

“What are you t... oh.”

“Why yes, Rachel.  Me. How nice of you to remember I loved him as well.”

“Maybe if she didn’t act exactly the way he said she did, I might have.” I said venomously; the little voice of reason in my head kept telling me that she’d just been dumped and was probably looking for a fight, but I could barely hear it over the angry pounding of my own heart. Besides, Kisten loved Ivy; if he said that Skimmer wasn’t good for her, I believed him.

“You don’t know the first thing about her.” Ivy growled.

“Don’t I? Enlighten me, then! What’s her excuse?!”

“Are you sure, Rachel?” Ivy asked in a sombre tone after a short pause. The intensity of her aura diminished, if only a little, when she sat down and released her death grip on the table. “It’s not a pretty story.”

I hesitated, but only for a moment; yes, vampire stories, real ones, were the stuff of nightmares, but I couldn’t keep the moral high ground if I couldn’t face this so-called truth about Skimmer. I nodded.

“Before she came here, Skimmer was Nathalie, her old master’s, favourite.” Ivy began darkly. “It’s an old tradition amongst her bloodline. For the past thousand years, Nathalie took the first daughter of each generation of her line as a companion. This generation, it was Skimmer.”

“She was a dead vamp’s companion?” I asked, not impressed by this story yet. Plenty of vampires had been forced into ugly relationships; heck, Ivy was one of them, and she was one of the most decent persons I knew. “What does that have to do with what she was like in high... school... oh God... Had she... were they...?” I trailed off, horrified. All of a sudden, it made perfect sense, and the last, the very, absolutely last thing I wanted was to hear more.

“Yes. Nathalie had already touched Skimmer for the first time when I met her. For almost a year, actually, Skimmer shared Nathalie’s bed.”

“You met her when she was sixteen! That means she was... Ivy, that’s sick! She was fifteen when a dead vamp first got her hands on her!” I wasn’t angry anymore, simply utterly disgusted.    That a millennia old monster could simply get her claws and fangs into a teenager without anyone raising a finger... it was beyond words!

But the worse thing was probably how blasé Ivy looked about the whole thing. No seething anger, not even silent rage. She didn’t even blink. It made a new, even more chilling thought dawn on me.

“How old were you when Piscary first called you to him?” I asked quietly, my lips barely moving for fear of spilling my guts on the floor if I opened my mouth. I had to grab a nearby chair for support, my knuckles immediately turning white the instant my fingers wrapped around the solid wood.

“Sixteen.” She answered simply, as if her abuse at Piscary’s hands hadn’t just taken on a whole new level of sickness. I’d always assumed she was college aged when it began, like those shadows I saw at Piscary’s before Kist took it over. Never in my worst nightmares had I imagined she could have been so young.

“This is so wrong. So goddamn wrong. Why didn’t anybody stand up to this?!” I asked no one in particular, lost in my outrage and anger as I was.

“They were within their rights, Rachel. We were both adults according to our laws.”

“Your laws blow.”  Just when I thought vamp culture had hit rock bottom, someone tossed it a shovel. I really didn’t want to know if the hole went any deeper...

She stole a quick glance at me, and I saw neither annoyance nor acknowledgement at my disgust and horror. “I’m not one to argue that. It still didn’t stop our parents.” She continued flatly. “My mother sent me far away almost as soon as it begun, but Piscary worked fast. The damage was done; as bad as I was a few months back, as a teenager, with my hormones all over the place and my instincts burgeoning...” Her eyes were distant, like her voice. A small shiver ran through her, and I didn’t want her to continue. I wanted to run to my room, huddle underneath the covers and pretend I never heard any of this. “I was a monster. Piscary... it was part of his duties as my master to help me curb them, so I could fit into society, but he had no interest in that. He wanted me savage.” She swallowed softly, and wrapped her arms around her middle. “He liked me savage.” I barely caught her admission.

“What about Skimmer?” I asked, not so much because I was curious than to pull her away from her memories. To be honest, in this moment, I missed Kisten more acutely than I had in months. I couldn’t deal with this, not by a fucking mile, and I never felt more woefully inadequate for her than now. She needed understanding where I could only offer pity and horror.

“Skimmer...” She started, almost slurring, before shaking her head, as if she’d been dozing off. Her eyes focused sharply on me, but not before I caught a glimpse of the ghosts that haunted her. “She wasn’t quite my polar opposite, but she was a lot more wholesome than me. Nathalie wanted other things from her, almost... normal things. She taught Skimmer everything she could, too much even. When I met her, everyone in school wanted to be close to her. She could have anyone she wanted, but no one actually caught her interest. No one but me. I was intense enough to pique her curiosity.  Plus, what Piscary never taught me about control, he taught me about pleasure and pain, just like Nathalie had done with Skimmer. Not many of the students had ever been with a master.”

“A match made in Hell.” I muttered, and Ivy scoffed softly. “I guess you two had a blast the instant you laid eyes on each other.”

“No. God, I hated her so much at first. The same things that made me sick were making her a bloody goddess in the eyes of everyone, even if she didn’t like guys and didn’t hide it, and it felt so unfair. It didn’t stop her. She started slow hunting me even as she worked to fix me. She helped me control my instincts beyond simply pitting my will against them and fighting every urge I had, and I systematically refused her offers and her advances. I just took her friendship and her help, knowing how she wanted more.” Golly, wasn’t that a subtle reproach...

“The first week, I nearly killed someone, because I didn’t listen to her when she warned me that a teenage boy looking for another notch in his belt was a bad idea to slake my bloodlust.” She said before I could reply anything. “Drained him, broke most of his ribs, both of his arms and shattered one of his knees beyond any kind of recovery.” That she could have inflicted so much damage at sixteen astounded me for a second, until I remembered that unlike me, Ivy had been practising martial arts all of her life. She had the experience as well as the stamina and physical prowesses; no wonder she could mop the floor with me. “I would have been kicked out if the guy hadn’t tried to rape me first, when I tried to leave after my bite hurt him. I got off on self-defence and with a reputation as a total freak. No one even dared talk to me anymore after that, save one person. Care to guess who?”

“Skimmer.” I “guessed” with a roll of the eyes. I wished she would loose the snide.

“She was just too determined to get her fangs into me to give up so easily. It took me a long time to admit I wanted her as well, longer still to admit I actually had feelings for her. I’d known her for two months when she finally caught me. I raged at her for winning and being right for a long time.

“She caught you? But you’re the dominant one?”

“Unusual, I know. She’s the one who caught me, but I wouldn’t go down without a fight. We struggled for dominance, and I came out on top. She still lured me into sleeping with her, and once I had a taste, I couldn’t stop. At first, I made her look like she was in an abusive relationship every time I gave in to my desire and went to her, but she never refused me. She did not care. “I can be patient” she said, “I made you admit you want me. We’ll work on loving me later.” She was patience and beauty incarnate, and despite myself, my feelings grew from lust and desire to hurt into something more tender. I actually looked forward to seeing her. I didn’t leave the instant the deed was done anymore. And then one afternoon she woke up to me smiling at her, without an abundance of bruises covering half her body. The rest is history.”

She observed my reactions closely. I probably looked downright grey and wobbly. I certainly felt that way.

“Maybe she helped you back then.” I admitted after sucking in a long, steadying breath. “Maybe. But you’re not that person anymore. Now she’s just a blood-sucking bitch looking to drag you down to her level.”

“Dragging me down to her level? You mean... being a healthy vampire who doesn’t torture herself every time she gives a little fang? Or is it simply being a vampire?” Ivy’s face darkened; her hands fell limply at her sides. “I guess that’s that then.  The reason you hate her... is because she’s a vampire. Just like me.” It took less than a heartbeat for the tone of Ivy’s voice to douse my anger.  It was a dead voice, all traces of life and hope gone from it. “Damn you, Skimmer. Goddamn you, you were right.” She planted her gaze into mine, and what I saw in it finished ripping my heart out; let’s just say that her eyes made her voice bright and sunny in comparison. “The acceptance, the beauty I want, they’re just a silly dream, nothing more. I should have burned it at the stake long ago.” She rose, walking past me and into the hall in a puff of angry vampire incense.

You know what? I can’t actually stuff my foot in my mouth with the best of them. I can’t, because I am the best, plain and simple. No one can even compete.

“Where are you going? Ivy, wait!” I stepped into the hallway and called out after her, my shout making her dark silhouette come to a halt. I almost sighed in relief; if she just listened, we could be okay. “I don’t know what Skimmer said, and it doesn’t matter, you can’t let it get to you! You’ve worked too hard to just give up because of her.”

Ivy’s still form started shaking. I thought for a second she was crying, and almost threw caution to the wind and reached out for her when I realised she wasn’t. At all. The deep shadows in the hallway seemed to coalesce around her like a black cloak, almost as if her mirthless chuckling summoned them, like the outside manifestation of the darkness her soul was drowning in.

“What Skimmer said? Skimmer didn’t make me realise how pointless and impossible what I want is, Rachel, you did.” She laughed joylessly in that God-awful voice. “You did when you turned away from me, even though you understood everything we could have. And now, you just confirmed it.  You don’t accept what I am, maybe you never have.”

“Would you please stop interpreting everything I said in the worst possible way?! There’s more to you than hunger. Not to Skimmer. I don’t care about your past, she’s like a... a frigging living undead. Even if she’s a victim, no especially if she’s a victim in all of this, she’s not what you need!”

“I doubt you mean that.” She turned around slowly, her posture and tone deceptively relaxed. “You’re terrified of ending up bound to me, even though I did everything I could to avoid that, ever since you were attacked by that damn demon. You can’t possibly think there’s so much more to me if you fear me this way, now can you? I tried to be more for you, and look what that gave me!”

“So you’ll just go back to the way you were, then? Throw everything you’ve worked for away so you can be with her? If you do that, then you’re not going to be who you want to be, you’ll be revelling in your own ugliness. Maybe you don’t think so, but I know you’re better than that, and you deserve better- hey!”

I yelped in surprise when Ivy rushed me, the only thought in my mind that I had finally pushed her too far and was about to get a new scar and lose a bit of fluids for my arrogance. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with me? Following her, when she was in an emotional tempest of a mood, while I was covered in the most potent cocktail of scents ever designed to get idiots like me killed by their vamp roommate? While we argued? Yeah, brilliant. Roll in the Nobel Prize, make it a posthumous edition. I would like to thank my parents who clearly have done something wrong along the way for their daughter to be so dumb. Make this my epitaph while you’re at it...

But no, Ivy didn’t rip me apart where I stood. In fact, considering she was pinning me against the wall, the swift motion carried an odd gentleness. Even when she was angrier than a wet wasp at me and hungry as hell, she couldn’t bring herself to hurt me. Yay for me, boo for natural selection.

“And who is that, Rachel?” She murmured in my ear, her lips brushing against its soft shell, and good God, the bound heat, the repressed longing in her voice made me wish she was screaming at me. “Who is better than someone who threw her life away for me? Who freed me, when nothing and no one could? Tell me, are you that person, dear heart?” She used the endearment like a knife, stabbing it into my heart. “Because if you’re the one who’s supposed to be better than Skimmer and I deserve you, how is it that no matter how hard I try, I can’t have you?”

“I...” I didn’t have an answer for that. In the light she saw her in, Skimmer did seem like someone she should be hanging on too, but she wasn’t... was she? I wasn’t so sure anymore; I kept seeing Skimmer in my mind, wrapping herself around Ivy, comforting her and apologising, then offering her neck, without fear or judgement. Surely, the fact that she’d been the one to send Ivy spiralling out of control, as well as what she said afterwards, cancelled that out, right?

“What we have, it may not be your... definition of love, Rachel, but I’m not sure it’s such a bad thing anymore. She loves me, and she accepts me. It’s enough for me, and more than you ever gave me.”

“You call that accepting?” I shot back nervously; even I couldn’t be completely oblivious to the six feet of angry vampire almost pressed against me, the cold radiating from her quickly turning into scalding heat, but as stupid as it was, I didn’t want her to go. “She called you my pet, for Christ sake, just because you wouldn’t bite her!”

“I am your pet, Rachel, and as I recall, you did try to neuter me. Just like she said. She’s the only one who ever called me out on how messed up you made me.” One of her hands left my shoulder to slip into her jeans pocket. “You tried to de-fang me. Even when you were saying “yes” you tried to erase the part of me that you can’t deal with and keep only what suits you. If that’s not domestication, I don’t know what is.”

“I was trying to help you!” I said in my own defence, the ring of truth of her words lancing more pain through my heart. “I thought my magic could help you, Ivy! You have this all backwards. It was never about... neutering you!”

“Skimmer never tried to help me. It’s not my ridiculous hang-ups about who I am and what I want she accepts; it’s me, the vampire.” She pulled her hand out of her pocket, flashing the pain amulet I had given her, which she was now holding, to me before slipping the hand that held it at the small of my back, beneath the hem of my shirt. I had a fraction of a second to feel the gentleness and cold of her touch and her other hand slip into my hair. I gazed, bewildered, into her bottomless black eyes before my body went numb, the spell overtaking both our bodies; her intentions were clear as crystal. “Just look how accepting you are.”

I saw her coming. I knew what she had in mind, but I couldn’t do anything. She was standing on the edge, and even hinting at resisting would fling her over. I barely felt anything anyway, not her lips on mine, not the firm, but careful strength of her embrace; nothing at all. There was nothing distracting me from her feelings, and boy, I had front row seats to see them...

What happened in the hospital when I first handed Ivy the amulet was happening all over again; just as she pressed her lips more firmly to mine, the shock letting my mouth fall open for her, Ivy’s aura started crawling over me, charged with affection so profound that it took my breath away. But it didn’t make me feel clean and pure, or warmed me to the bottom of my soul, not this time. This time, it chilled me to my core; her love was a withering rose now, alone in a garden overrun by weeds, its beauty slowly bleeding away as it died, starved by my lack of respect for it. Seeing it made me want to curl up and die.

“Ivy...” I almost sobbed, in awe, when she briefly pulled away to glance at my eyes, a tiny, sickly spark of emotion in her twin obsidian orbs. I didn’t have a clue how she could even have stayed sane this long, living next to me while her feelings never went answered, slowly seeping poison into her, but whatever had kept her strong, it was either gone, or simply wasn’t enough anymore. Her very strength and resolve were fading now; even if she believed she was making her own choice by going after Skimmer, I could see the real reason. Despair was creeping up on her, like a barbed wire cruelly tightening around her heart, and all she wanted was someone to face the coming darkness with.

And I selfishly wanted to find a way to stop that and keep her here with me; God help me, now that she was all but shoving her love down my throat, and I saw that she was finally getting over me, I wanted to keep it alive, even knowing how much it hurt her. Talk about making up my mind, but I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand to gaze into her soul like that, with her feelings so raw, exposed and dying, and with an anguished little whimper, I pulled her lips frantically to mine, kissing her with a desperate strength. Her lips parted in surprise, and my tongue invaded her mouth, miraculously avoiding the sharp edges of her fangs. It was entirely possible I was kissing my own death, but I didn’t care.

There was the faintest of clatter at my feet. Ivy, in her shock, had dropped the amulet, and as soon as she did, a torrent of wild sensations assaulted me. I kissed her back almost forcefully, moaning into the velveteen softness of her warm mouth, hints of blood (I spared a disgusted thought that it was probably Skimmer’s blood I tasted, but promptly shoved it away), orange and brimstone mixing with her essence to make me drunk with... need. I couldn’t deny that it was need. Not this time, not now. It was do or die now, and the scales were tipping much too far towards die.

I had just fumbled for the hem of her shirt, my fingers slipping beneath it to caress the soft skin at the small of her back, when she shoved me away, hard. Our blurred auras separated just as brutally, making me double over in pain when the reality imbalance her pure aura had pushed away struck me in the gut like a jackhammer, making my eyes water

Ivy didn’t look resolved anymore when I looked. She didn’t look tragic in her pain and despair. No, the woman who crashed to the floor gracelessly, her eyes wide and wild, her breath panting rapidly, just looked scared out of her mind. And hurt, mustn’t forget hurt, the pain veiling her rapidly constricting brown eyes.

Jesus, what have I done? It looked like I couldn’t have caused Ivy more pain had I ripped her heart out and trampled it.

“No,” she whispered under her breath, her hands clenched around handfuls of her hair “no, no, no, no.”

“Ivy...” I began hesitantly, taking equally slow and hesitant steps towards the crushed vampire. She showed no sign of noticing me, but I wasn’t quite so dumb as to believe she wasn’t aware of me. True enough, she soon fixed her gaze on me, her eyes haunted and hollow.

“Why?” She asked, almost flinching when I tried to help her up. “For God’s sake, why couldn’t you just let me go?”

“Ivy, please get up...” I pleaded, my throat tight with emotion, and reached for her again. “I can’t stand to see you like this. Come on, get up.”

“Don’t touch me!” She shrieked, making me jump, and skittered away from me like a terrified child before the big bad wolf, until her back hit the nearby wall. I’d broken her; the woman whose will recovered from untold torments and came back from the darkest abyss was now lying broken and defeated at my feet, felled by one kiss from me. There was no intoxication in the knowledge; in fact, it made me sick.  I never wanted this kind of power over her; hell, I didn’t want anyone to have this kind of power over Ivy.

“I don’t understand.” I whispered, hardly able to push the words past the lump in my throat. “Ivy, isn’t this what you wanted?”

“NO! No, I didn’t want this! I wanted you to show me I was wasting my time with you, that it was hopeless, not give me a taste of all we could have!” She screamed, then let loose that horrible dead laugh once again, her eyes starting to shimmer. “But you can’t ever do anything the way I want, can you?” She whispered snidely, her face hidden behind her hands so I wouldn’t see her tears, her sorrow hidden behind anger so she didn’t have to face it. “I don’t want this anymore, Rachel. I’m sick of sitting at your feet and scrounge for whatever scrapes of affection you can deign give me without jeopardizing your sexual certainties. You don’t want me, I get it, but she does. She loves me.”

“You love me.” I pointed out pathetically.

She raised her gaze to me, the vulnerability and hopelessness in her eyes making my heart stop. “I don’t want to anymore.” She whispered, and I gasped in pain. “Don’t let me give her up in the name of something that can never be. If I ever meant anything to you, please... let me go. I’m begging you. Tell me whatever you want, that this was a mistake... anything?”

I walked slowly towards her again, without letting her any room to escape. It was a terrible mistake to corner a vampire, but Ivy was the one who looked scared out of her mind now, not me, and I wasn’t entirely sure it wasn’t the best thing for her if she went through me to escape anyway.

“I can’t.” I whispered hoarsely as I knelt before her, sorrow etched on my face. “I can’t let you leave.” I reached out slowly for her, despite the black eyes and the twitching, and the fact that one reflexive move from her would leave me with broken limbs. I pushed a strand of raven hair out of her eyes, and, steadying myself on her trembling shoulders, leaned in and gently captured her mouth with mine. Her lips were so wonderful beneath mine, and I lightly brushed my tongue along them, seeking entrance to deepen the kiss, but she wouldn’t respond, even if she made no move to push me away this time.

“It’s so cruel to kiss me like this when I can smell Marshall on you.” She sniffed after I pulled away, her eyes lightly shut and her face lowered. Some of the tension was gone from her frame, but she looked more resigned than relaxed, to be honest.

“That’s not what you think.” I sighed and offered her a sad smile.

“Like there’s a hundred way to interpret it?” She growled, but her brief bout of defiance died when I tried to press my finger to her lips to silence her. She made it look so easy when she pulled it off, but with my sluggish reflexes, she easily dodged me and caught my wrist. “You chose him over me.”

“I made a mistake. I missed you so badly, Ivy.” I admitted, finally able to face the truth myself. “This place just isn’t the same without you, hell, my life isn’t the same without you. Around Marshall, it wasn’t as bad. I mistook that feeling for love, and I hurt you both because of it. I don’t think he’ll ever speak to me again. Please, believe me. As much as I hate myself for hurting him... hurting you is worse.”

I cradled her face in my hands, using my thumbs to trace her delicate features, the smooth line of her jaw, the silkiness of her lips. She was... God, she was so beautiful, even if I wished she could be smiling. I always knew she was gorgeous, you know, on account of not being blind, but for the first time, I felt that tragic, breath stealing beauty truly sink in to the bottom of my heart. “I don’t want Marshall, I want you.” I said with firm conviction. “We shared auras, just a minute ago.” I added worriedly when she remained silent, and pressed my forehead against hers. Now that I had opened my heart and admitted that I wanted Ivy, and after coming this close to losing her forever twice in as many weeks, keeping my distance from her seemed beyond me. “Don’t you know how I feel about you now?”

“You were so confused... I don’t know. I didn’t want to believe I saw love underneath it all.”

“I’m sorry that I’ve been such a bonehead to you. But it’s your fault for falling in love with an idiot who needs to come within an inch of loosing someone she loves just to realise she loves her.” I joked, and I thought I saw a hint of a shadow of a chuckle escape Ivy. “I should’ve taken a hint. When that guy in the alley said he’d... it didn’t matter that he held a gun to my face and was about to kill me, all I could think about was how I didn’t want him to ever lay a finger you. I always want to die whenever I hurt you.” Another episode sprung to my mind, one I had never been comfortable observing too closely. “When Lee took me into the Ever After, it was the thought of you that brought me back home... to you. You’re my home, Ivy Tamwood, and I think... I know now that I do love you.” I took her hand in mine, as gently as I could, and brought it to my lips. “Please give us one more chance.” Please, God, let me make things right. For her, if not for me.

Ivy stared into my eyes for the longest time, searching them for some sort of hint or confirmation, and I didn’t shy away from the lingering eye contact. Her breath shuddered once, and she slowly, for a vampire, got to her feet and stalked towards the foyer.

“I have to be insane to give up a sure thing with Skimmer for another shot at you.” She muttered with her back turned to me. “You make me hate myself more than anyone since Piscary, you know that?”

I almost took offence at that remark, but upon reflecting on what she just said, I realised she had a right to be bitter. She was going to break the heart of her first true love. Nothing to be laughing about, I suppose.

“You may not think so, but Skimmer deserves better than this. A clean break is the very least I can do for her.” She said darkly, and turned to face me. “Can I ask you to stay up? We still have a few things to talk about. I shouldn’t be long.”

“Yeah, of course.” I answered, a little shaky with the dispersing fear that she would simply leave despite my declaration of love. She seemed about to add something, but she thought better of it and turned to leave. “It’s good that you’re home.”

“Good to be home.” She said over her shoulder, and I could swear I saw a hint of a smile. “I...” She began hesitantly, but couldn’t seem to let the words out.

“I know. I do to.” I answered, taking a guess as to what my usually blunt, no nonsense vampire might have trouble saying. It didn’t feel any kind of wrong to say that; it was the truth, I realised. She nodded at me, and unlike her ex a few minutes ago, she didn’t slam the door behind her, a huge victory. If only the words “You make me hate myself worse than Piscary” hadn’t been uttered seconds ago, I would’ve made a little happy dance.

I picked myself up off the floor and headed to the kitchen. It wasn’t quite as big a mess as it was when I had a go at it with my spelling, but I fully expected Ivy to walk in pretty depressed (read: A fucking emotional wreck) and a clean house would go a long way towards not rubbing her the wrong way. I picked the shattered remains of the glass off the floor first, although there was nothing I could do about the dent in the wall the glass had left without some plaster and a bit of paint. The dishes were next, and I felt a stab of jealousy at the evidence that Ivy had cooked for Skimmer.

Jesus, I turn green every time I see Ivy do anything for her. Am I blind or something? It was really time I took a bloody hint. I’d never really convinced myself that I didn’t care what Ivy and Skimmer did together, but I’d always blamed it on Skimmer being a woman and taking some of the attention Ivy usually showed me. I wondered now if it wasn’t simply because Ivy had actually deep feelings for the blond vampire; I had the hardest time seeing her cooking for Cormel or David, her two other crushes, and while I hated the idea of Rynn and her together because it smacked of abuse, I’d never felt anything at the thought of Ivy and David having a meaningless fling.

Hints, hints, hints. I just suck at them.

With the kitchen cleaned, I headed for the shower to wash off Marshall’s scent to the best of my abilities. My head was still buzzing with everything that had happened, and I realised with a start that in the maelstrom of Ivy’s return, I had forgotten to warn her about the possibility of Saladan being after both our hides. Killing Ivy meant open war with the vampires, a stupid or crazy move, but, oh look, the guy was option number two, a complete nutter. I got worried, but her cell sent me straight to voice mail. Damn.

I tried to relax as I settled into my bedroom with my copy of “Spelling with Bella, A thousand tips for the klutzy witch”, ley line edition.  I wouldn’t be caught dead with it, to be honest, but my mother claimed that the two reasons she got the ley line part of her witch’s degree was my father and this book. I had to start somewhere; Ceri was great with the really freaking high level stuff, but she didn’t have the patience to watch me stumble around the basics, let alone teach them to me. Plus, I had mysterious troubles getting into any catching up ley line class at the university. I had a nagging suspicion they didn’t like the fact that one of their most revered teacher had “died” shortly after being involved in an investigation I was a part of. Pricks. The old bat wasn’t even dead, but it’s not like they’d believe me if I told them that.

Thankfully, the night hadn’t yet begun to break when I heard the front door open and close. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and padded out of my room in my stocking feet. I blinked in surprise when I found the kitchen empty, and strained to listen, trying to locate Ivy by sound. I picked up a faint, rhythmic sound coming from the living room, so I headed that way. The sound gained focus as I went, and I identified it clearly as a woman’s sobbing.

Gosh, Ivy, you could have sought me out... If we were going to truly be together, she was going to have to learn to lean on me when the going got tough.

I walked into the living room, and froze. There were two people in there, one kneeling before the couch, Ivy, the other lying across it. The woman’s face was obscured by Ivy’s body, but I recognised what I could see of the clothing. It was Skimmer, and she was the one crying, although her sobbing was steadily fading. Her stockings were torn, I noticed, and I could only find one of her shoes; the first bubbling of fear started in the pit of my stomach.

“Ivy?” I called her out shakily.

“Don’t come any closer.” She growled at me, her voice as smooth as ground glass. “This is hard enough without your fear driving me insane.”

“What happened?” I asked, taking a hesitant step towards her. The memory of her retelling of their early relationship was still fresh in my mind, and I feared Skimmer had somehow pushed Ivy back into that sorry state.

“Stay back.” She warned me again, but I didn’t listen.

“Are you hurt?” I began, concerned, but ended up shrieking instead when she whipped around snarling.

I had a feeling Ivy’s face in that moment would haunt my nightmares for a good long while...