Dirty
I am so dirty. I am a bitter, angry, promiscuous, drug addicted, lying thief. What would you want with me? What would anyone want with me? I break everything that I touch. I can be cruel and heartless and cutting. I can tear into those that I love without mercy. But to most I am simply cold, never giving them the chance to get close. I don’t think I could fathom not being selfish. I cause all of my own problems, but always place blame else ware. And even at my best when I am trying to be more than all of that, I am depressed to the point of paralysis. I am incapable of digging myself out of this hole. I beg for help, but none comes, so in anger the cycle begins again. Will I ever be free?
I know I don’t deserve freedom, but I’m told it is offered nonetheless. I’m told that there is love and forgiveness and life abundant, but it seems that I am too far gone, too messed up even to attain what is free. Those things that have been promised are not displayed in my life. Why not? Am I really beyond God’s reach? Is it possible that I am really that bad or that he is really not that good? Everyone around me would say, “no” but what then? Where is the third option? Why isn’t God doing what he promised?