haven't felt this kind of relief in a while.
Today was a day of many sighs of relief. Not only did I turn in my senior journalism portfolio, I found my heart again. And that was huge.
I'm gonna skip the part about the portfolio because I know what you all want to know. How did I find my heart again?
Well, in case anyone dind't know (because I dind't blog about it) Ryan and I broke it off on Sunday night. I had come to the conclusion that it just couldn't work out between us because we were in two different points in our lives and I felt that I deserved to have the kind of relationship where we could be devoted to eachother and be in the same town. As soon as we broke it off, it immediately felt wrong. I dind't feel completely heartbroken at first, but it did hurt. It sucked a lot. Lora knows this, she watched me and listened to me bitch about it for hours in the newsroom.
Anyways, the last two days had actually been agony, all judgements aside. I felt this horrible pit in my stomach like something I had done was against the rules. By tonite, the pit hadn't gone away. And despite any other convictions I had made to myself from mistakes made while highly intoxicated, i decided that I would not let that fog my vision of something my heart wanted.
Well, I had promised Ryan that I would attend his percussion ensemble concert tonite. It was a blast and I really enjoyed watching Ryan perform with such enthusiasm and passion. But I remember sitting there tonite thinking, this isn't right. I'm not supposed to be the supportive friend that comes to watch Ryan's concert. I'm supposed to be the supportive girlfriend that gets to give a hug and a kiss afterwards!
So after the concert, he invited me to go have a drink with him and rest of the percussion folks at Pioneer Pub. We went and of course everyone was asking about our relationship status. Damn facebook. ugh. everyone knows everything.
After having a drink and having a really great time together, we left and I drove him home to Varnado. It was in the Varnado parking lot that we had about an hour long talk about things. Actually, most of it wasn't really talking, it was a lot of crying, sighing and frustration. I had come to the point where I had realized that this "just being friends" situation really sucked and the only reason why i had made it in the first place was because I was scared. SCared of being burned again by someone i cared about... I know this guy isn't Scott. So why was i so quick to compare them? well, because its all i've got.
There some silence in the car after a while and I finally got the guts to ask him, "so i told you what I think about this, what do you think about it?"
After pausing for about 5 mintes, or what seemed like forever, he said "fuck it raquel. I would rather spend a month with you knowing that we gave it our best shot than spend the rest of my life knowing I gave up the greatest girl in the world over technicality."
It was then that more tears came, and we decided that we weren't giving up and that I didn't have to be scared anymore.
Whew. that feels better.
I'm gonna skip the part about the portfolio because I know what you all want to know. How did I find my heart again?
Well, in case anyone dind't know (because I dind't blog about it) Ryan and I broke it off on Sunday night. I had come to the conclusion that it just couldn't work out between us because we were in two different points in our lives and I felt that I deserved to have the kind of relationship where we could be devoted to eachother and be in the same town. As soon as we broke it off, it immediately felt wrong. I dind't feel completely heartbroken at first, but it did hurt. It sucked a lot. Lora knows this, she watched me and listened to me bitch about it for hours in the newsroom.
Anyways, the last two days had actually been agony, all judgements aside. I felt this horrible pit in my stomach like something I had done was against the rules. By tonite, the pit hadn't gone away. And despite any other convictions I had made to myself from mistakes made while highly intoxicated, i decided that I would not let that fog my vision of something my heart wanted.
Well, I had promised Ryan that I would attend his percussion ensemble concert tonite. It was a blast and I really enjoyed watching Ryan perform with such enthusiasm and passion. But I remember sitting there tonite thinking, this isn't right. I'm not supposed to be the supportive friend that comes to watch Ryan's concert. I'm supposed to be the supportive girlfriend that gets to give a hug and a kiss afterwards!
So after the concert, he invited me to go have a drink with him and rest of the percussion folks at Pioneer Pub. We went and of course everyone was asking about our relationship status. Damn facebook. ugh. everyone knows everything.
After having a drink and having a really great time together, we left and I drove him home to Varnado. It was in the Varnado parking lot that we had about an hour long talk about things. Actually, most of it wasn't really talking, it was a lot of crying, sighing and frustration. I had come to the point where I had realized that this "just being friends" situation really sucked and the only reason why i had made it in the first place was because I was scared. SCared of being burned again by someone i cared about... I know this guy isn't Scott. So why was i so quick to compare them? well, because its all i've got.
There some silence in the car after a while and I finally got the guts to ask him, "so i told you what I think about this, what do you think about it?"
After pausing for about 5 mintes, or what seemed like forever, he said "fuck it raquel. I would rather spend a month with you knowing that we gave it our best shot than spend the rest of my life knowing I gave up the greatest girl in the world over technicality."
It was then that more tears came, and we decided that we weren't giving up and that I didn't have to be scared anymore.
Whew. that feels better.