(no subject)
I wish I never did it. I wish I didn;t tell you to and I wish I never saw the car pass and that I never talked to him or thought maybe it was okay. I hate myself and all I do is fuck things up. I warn everyone about it. I like him and I can't do anything if he doesn't like me back. I'll jsut cry and curse myself for even thinking I had the chance and we all what that leads to. Let's not pretend like it wouldn't happen. And it's not yours or Matt's or anyones but mine for thinking I had the slightest, faintest whiff of an idea that maybe. Just maybe. I could've been happy. But I keep forgetting that good things don't happen to me, because when they do, either something HORRID has to take place to even it out, or I have to screw it up to keep the score even. Like, I really think I deserve to be happy. I know I've done things I wish I hadn't done, but I didn't know any better. I wasn't raised in the best of homes,and I know I'm not the best person and I'm a hypocrite, but everyone deserves to be happy. I just wish I could be totally happy, no strings attached. But I ahve to analyze everything and tear it apart and ruin it becuase I want to know more or why or how or maybe I missed something. He jsut wasn't expecting it. And I know that, but I still blame myself for being to clingy to him and expecting too much in too little time. And I know that. But I can't change how I feel in my heart and what I've rejected and what has happened in my life. I can't doanythig about all the loss I've gone through this summer. But goddamn, am I realyl that bad of a person that I don't deserve to get one fucking thing or person that I want? I wish he saw in my what I saw in him.
When I left your house, I turned on the radio. First, it was a song I've never heard and lyrics were something involving"This kind of love should be expected." I wet and got coffee at Wawa and the end of Smells Like Teen spirit was on. "Denial, Denial, etc etc." And then, Vindicated. I know I'm taking this way to far, but what can I do. If this is what love feels like if this is what it's like in the long run, I hate it and I hope I never love anyone again. This is my first real crush. My first head-over-heels-omg-wow crush. And I can't even do it correctly. I'm so sick of trying to be good enough for my parents and my teachers and even Sean, but I know it'll never happen. I'm still me. no matter how much I try no matter how uch I change, I still have the same name, same looks, same past, same life. And I can't shange that. But I'm trying. But how for can I go if you jsut keep dragging me down and turning me back into what I was? The medicine doesn't work. The music makes me feel worse. My friends jsut make me feel bad for bringing them into it. Everything I do is plgaued my guilt and grief and misery and anger and rebellion. Sometimes I wish I did die that day. I wish I just cut deeper when the police knocked on my door. It's not like the hospital even asked me to lift up my sleeves. To show what's really going on. I feel so bad for making everyone deal with my shit. All because I can't do it myself. I wish I ahd confidence and wit and humor and love and looks and smarts. But I can't even type correctly. God. I hate you, God. If you want me to believe, give me something worth believing in. Give me one reason to honestly say there is good in store for me. All I want is to hang out with him and enjoy my life. Am I that bad? Am I that fucknig desperate and lame and vial that I can't even enjoy a candy bar without looking at the calories to see how much weight I'm gaining? I can't even laugh at a joke without feeling bad or that maybe it's not really that funny? Can I jsut wear an outfit without analyzing everything to make sure I don't look TOO fat? No. I will never matter. I jsut need to accept it. Get used to it. And move on. Matt will never like me, jsut like I will never get in Harvard and become a lawyer, and never get married and live somewhere else or patch things up with my family and be able to tell em mom aout fifth grade and stuff. I just can't. If God exsists, if there is something worth living for, I need to find it realyl soon. I'm running on empty and i don't know how far I can get.
I'm so scared that I'm going to die and no one will ever miss me.
When I left your house, I turned on the radio. First, it was a song I've never heard and lyrics were something involving"This kind of love should be expected." I wet and got coffee at Wawa and the end of Smells Like Teen spirit was on. "Denial, Denial, etc etc." And then, Vindicated. I know I'm taking this way to far, but what can I do. If this is what love feels like if this is what it's like in the long run, I hate it and I hope I never love anyone again. This is my first real crush. My first head-over-heels-omg-wow crush. And I can't even do it correctly. I'm so sick of trying to be good enough for my parents and my teachers and even Sean, but I know it'll never happen. I'm still me. no matter how much I try no matter how uch I change, I still have the same name, same looks, same past, same life. And I can't shange that. But I'm trying. But how for can I go if you jsut keep dragging me down and turning me back into what I was? The medicine doesn't work. The music makes me feel worse. My friends jsut make me feel bad for bringing them into it. Everything I do is plgaued my guilt and grief and misery and anger and rebellion. Sometimes I wish I did die that day. I wish I just cut deeper when the police knocked on my door. It's not like the hospital even asked me to lift up my sleeves. To show what's really going on. I feel so bad for making everyone deal with my shit. All because I can't do it myself. I wish I ahd confidence and wit and humor and love and looks and smarts. But I can't even type correctly. God. I hate you, God. If you want me to believe, give me something worth believing in. Give me one reason to honestly say there is good in store for me. All I want is to hang out with him and enjoy my life. Am I that bad? Am I that fucknig desperate and lame and vial that I can't even enjoy a candy bar without looking at the calories to see how much weight I'm gaining? I can't even laugh at a joke without feeling bad or that maybe it's not really that funny? Can I jsut wear an outfit without analyzing everything to make sure I don't look TOO fat? No. I will never matter. I jsut need to accept it. Get used to it. And move on. Matt will never like me, jsut like I will never get in Harvard and become a lawyer, and never get married and live somewhere else or patch things up with my family and be able to tell em mom aout fifth grade and stuff. I just can't. If God exsists, if there is something worth living for, I need to find it realyl soon. I'm running on empty and i don't know how far I can get.
I'm so scared that I'm going to die and no one will ever miss me.