[Bleach][frat boys universe][Urahara/Aizen, Isshin, Kyouraku] Moral Support
OH GOD I REALLY SHOULD BE DOING CALCULUS
Instead I bring more Bleach crack! I've also been writing a lot of X-1999 fic fragments lately, so expect some SeishirouxSubaru in the near future XD;
Title: Moral Support
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: implied Urahara/Aizen, Kyouraku, Ukitake, Isshin
Word Count: 1,971
Warnings: SPOILERS PAST CHAPTER 186 OF MANGA/EPISODE 111 OF ANIME. drinking, implied m/m. THE CRACKIEST CRACK THAT EVER CRACKED.
Summary: It is the duty of friends to be as nosy and embarrassing as humanly possible. Set a few months after Peer Pressure.
All fics in this continuity can be found here.
Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite and no copyright infringement was intended by this work of fiction. Thanks.
Moral Support
"Kisuke's got a new lover!" Kurosaki Isshin yelled, plowing haphazardly into eighth division headquarters and landing in front of Kyouraku Shunsui's desk. It happened to be Shunsui's nap hour, but that had never stopped Isshin before. "OI! Wake up! KISUKE'S HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE."
Shunsui woke up and stared at him. "What?"
"Kisuke's having sex with someone!"
"Kisuke's always having sex with someone. Kisuke gets to have sex with Shihouin Yoruichi. I have no pity for the man." Shunsui frowned dramatically. "Yoruichi-sama is such a beautiful flower. I would gladly pluck the petals-"
"ANYWAY," Isshin contined, ignoring him. "This is different! This time, it's a man!"
Shunsui stared at him. "Seriously?"
"Of course! I would never lie about something so important! We must figure out who it is!"
"You mean you don't know?" Shunsui asked, blinking drowsily. "It's our job to know these things."
"EXACTLY!" Isshin roared. "As his closest and dearest friends, it is our duty to be as nosy as humanly possible and embarrass him about his love life!"
"To friendship!" Shunsui said, pulling the full sake dish off of his desk with a flourish and drinking from it. He refilled it and offered it to Isshin, who accepted gladly.
"To friendship!" he declared, and drank.
Somewhere in twelfth division headquarters, Urahara Kisuke shivered.
-------------------------
Long before he ever met the human woman Masaki, Kurosaki Isshin had perfected the art of stalking, mostly to spy on his best friends and catch them in embarrassing moments. Unfortunately for him, no one was sneakier than Urahara Kisuke, and not five minutes after he'd oh-so-carefully hidden himself in the shrubbery outside his window, Kisuke poked his head out.
"Do you want some tea while you're out there, Isshin-kun?"
"WHAT?" Isshin thundered. "WHY WOULD YOU THINK I'M OUT HERE?"
"I also have some dumplings cooking," Kisuke added with a smile.
"I'll be right there," Isshin replied, and brushed the dirt off of his hakama.
-------------------------
"HE IS FAR TOO SNEAKY FOR ME!" Isshin declared to Shunsui and Jyuushirou, who had somehow been talked into tagging along. The sake was, of course, already flowing by the time he'd arrived, and Shunsui was looking a bit flushed. "He asked me in for TEA."
"TEA!" Shunsui yelled, as if tea were an insult to all stalker-kind.
"And DUMPLINGS."
"UNFORGIVEABLE."
Jyuushirou massaged his temples as if he had a headache. "Kurosaki-taichou, what makes you think that Urahara-taichou is…seeing someone?" he asked patiently.
"Kisuke is always seeing someone," Shunsui explained. "But this time, Isshin thinks it's a MAN."
"A man?" Jyuushirou raised an eyebrow.
"A MAN!" Isshin yelled with enthusiasm. "Kisuke has kept his secret passion for his brethren a secret for too long! It's time we rose up and yelled to him, WE ACCEPT YOU!"
"WE ACCEPT YOU!" Shunsui yelled after him, swaying slightly.
"Ah. Sorry I asked," Jyuushirou said, wondering how Isshin knew Kisuke was seeing a man but not really wanting to know the answer.
"So spying outside his bedroom window didn't work," Shunsui mused, suddenly serious. "It might be time to bring in the professionals."
"You could always ask Shihouin-san," Jyuushirou suggested reasonably. "There's no danger to life or limb, and it probably won't cause property damage."
"WE CAN'T ASK YORUICHI-SAMA!" Shunsui was affronted. "What if she's in love with him?! What if we break her beautiful heart? I would never forgive myself! I would offer her my shoulder to cry on, but to her I would forever be the bearer of bad news!"
Jyuushirou figured now wasn't the time to mention Shihouin Yoruichi's well-known dalliances with Shiba Kuukaku, as well as with her bodyguard Soi Fon, and wisely kept his mouth shut lest he cause Shunsui to have a heart attack.
"How else can we discover the identity of Kisuke's mysterious lover?" Isshin mused. "It has to be sneaky, subtle, and completely undetectable."
"I know!" Shunsui perked up. "Let's throw a party!"
"A PARTY!" Isshin roared. "THAT IS A GRAND IDEA!"
"And we'll see who Kisuke flirts with!"
"We'll watch who Kisuke goes HOME with!"
"WE ACCEPT YOU!" Shunsui yelled.
"WE ACCEPT YOU!" Isshin repeated.
Jyuushirou wanted to remind them that the two of them would probably pass out before Kisuke even started flirting, but once again, wisely kept his mouth shut.
-------------------------
The party was a smashing success, as all parties thrown by Isshin, Shunsui, and Kisuke normally were. Eleventh division showed up and quickly out-drank everyone else, and they even had the rare occurrence of Yamamoto showing up in his pajamas to yell at them to be quiet. Yoruichi held court in the corner of eighth division headquarters, several beautiful women surrounding her, and Kisuke prowled the room all night like a tiger on the hunt.
"HE IS SO INTO SOMEONE," Isshin yelled at Shunsui drunkenly.
"I KNOW," Shunsui yelled back.
"Hey it's our number five!" Isshin suddenly changed the subject, stumbling over to the door. "Sousuke! You normally avoid these parties!"
"SOUSUKE!" Shunsui yelled, nearly plowing them over.
"Aizen-taichou," Jyuushirou nodded politely, not drunk in the slightest.
"I was bored, and I could hear you from fifth division," Sousuke smiled at them broadly. "I see you are the same as always, Kurosaki-taichou, Kyouraku-taichou."
"These are the good years!" Isshin told him. "If you can't enjoy life now, when can you enjoy it at all?"
"You know, you can't say that," Shunsui said thoughtfully. "We're dead."
"Fine!" Isshin hiccupped. "If you can't enjoy death now, when can you enjoy it at all? Sousuke! Have a drink!"
"Thank you, but I'd really rather-"
"NO I INSIST."
"HE INSISTS," Shunsui chimed in, producing a sake dish from nowhere and shoving it in Sousuke's face. "You're only young once! Drink up!"
"We'll fill you in on our mission!" Isshin told him excitedly. "We're going to support Kisuke's new lifestyle!"
"WE ACCEPT HIM!" Shunsui yelled.
"Shh! You're not supposed to say that yet," Isshin hissed. "That's for AFTER we find the identity of his MALE LOVER!"
"Why are you yelling this all out loud?" Jyuushirou pointed out calmly. "I'm surprised he hasn't figured you two out yet."
"He hasn't figured us out because we're masters of subtlety," Shunsui told him. "Obviously."
"Oh, obviously."
Sousuke shifted uncomfortably, watching them with thinly-veiled amusement. "What does this have to do with me?"
"You're our friend!"
"Our comrade!"*
"And it is our sworn duty as friends to embarrass each other as much as possible!"
Sousuke smiled at them both and calmly accepted the sake dish. "It's nice to see such dedicated friendships. I'm going to go see who else is here, if you don't mind. Nice seeing you, Ukitake-taichou."
"Don't worry about them, Aizen-taichou," Jyuushirou told him as he walked by. "They're drunk and easily excitable."
"I've noticed," Sousuke said dryly before disappearing off into the crowd.
"WHERE'S KISUKE? DID WE LOSE HIM?" Isshin yelled, and Jyuushirou shook his head and wandered off to have another drink.
-------------------------
Two hours later, eighth division headquarters had mostly cleared out and Isshin and Shunsui were drunker than skunks, lying on the floor staring at the ceiling and laughing like lunatics.
"I think it failed!" Isshin crowed with laughter. "Kisuke didn't flirt with anybody!"
"That's not true!" Shunsui said, cracking up. "He was making eyes at the seventh division captain all night, but she's a woman! POOR YORUICHI-SAMA!"
Suddenly, they were interrupted by a cleared throat. They both craned their necks and looked up to see a very-drunk Kisuke being supported by Sousuke.
"I'm taking Urahara-taichou home," Sousuke told them, hefting Kisuke's weight and grimacing slightly, almost theatrically. "He doesn't look well and someone has to make sure he doesn't break his neck on his way back to twelfth division."
"You should come out drinking with us more often!" Isshin said with enthusiasm. "I'm sure Jyuushirou would appreciate having another helper!"
"Jyuu-chan likes helping us walk back safely," Shunsui snorted. "It makes him feel all responsible."
"Good night, Sousuke!"
"Good night, Kurosaki-taichou, Kyouraku-taichou," Sousuke said, bowing, and helped Kisuke out the door.
The two of them started laughing again.
Then suddenly, Isshin stopped, sat up, and looked at Shunsui wildly. "Did he just…"
Shunsui sat up too. "Did we just…" They stared at each other, then stared at the door.
"OH MY GOD, HE'S SLEEPING WITH AIZEN SOUSUKE!" Isshin yelled, so loudly that all of eighth division headquarters shook.
A little ways away, Urahara Kisuke heard the shout and smirked brilliantly.
-------------------------
"So we've thought it over," Isshin said with a mouthful of dumplings, pointing somewhat rudely with his chopsticks at Kisuke.
"Oh really?" Kisuke asked smoothly with a smile, calmly refilling his soup bowl.
"And we've decided that Sousuke's decently attractive and wouldn't hurt a fly," Isshin continued. Kisuke raised an eyebrow.
"THUS WE APPROVE OF YOUR CLANDESTINE AFFAIR WITH HIM!" Shunsui yelled from outside the window.
"THAT WAS MY LINE, AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" Isshin yelled back at him.
Kisuke smirked. "My, my. You two are quite the detectives."
"You could at least look embarrassed. You're having sex with a man!" Isshin pointed out, poking the table with a chopstick. "You can't just smile mysteriously like you always do!"
"BISEXUALITY IS A GIFT, NOT A CURSE!" Shunsui yelled again.
"IF YOU'RE GOING TO COMMENT, COME INSIDE!" Isshin yelled back.
"You have several good points," Kisuke said, sitting back down and smiling at Isshin. "Aizen Sousuke is decently attractive. But you're wrong, you know."
"You're not having sex with him?" Isshin asked.
"NO WAY! We can't be wrong!" Shunsui was halfway through the window at this point, lugging a jug of something alcoholic.
"Are you two drunk already?" Kisuke asked. "Why didn't you ask me to join you?"
"We're not drunk, we're being supportive!" Shunsui declared, though it was obvious he was lying when he finally made it in the rest of the way and sprawled out on the floor mat.
"Sousuke's not harmless," Kisuke said seriously.
"WHAT?"
"Kisuke, the man refuses to kill spiders! He used a sake dish to take one outside a few days ago!"
"Have you seen him feed the children down in Rukongai? He goes down there with odango and treats the few he can sense with spirit energy!" Shunsui told him.
"He's so nice it makes me want to slap him!"
Kisuke rolled his eyes. "Do you want to know why I've been sleeping with Aizen Sousuke?" he asked.
"SO YOU ARE HAVING SEX!" Isshin yelled.
"Why?" Shunsui asked curiously. "He's a nice guy and all, but honestly, Kisuke, he's so boring."
"Have you seen him sit in the library for hours and read the same book?" Isshin asked in a hushed whisper. For someone with the attention span of a grape, it certainly seemed like an impressive feat.
"It takes so much harassment to just make him have one drink, Kisuke!" Shunsui added. "It would never work. You can't be with a man who won't drink and reads books."
"Kisuke reads books too," Isshin said earnestly. "Do you guys…read together?!"
"NO!" Kisuke told them. "That's not it. Listen to me. Aizen Sousuke is dangerous."
"DANGEROUS TO YOUR VIRTUE, APPARENTLY!"
Shunsui smacked Isshin over the head. "Kisuke was born without his virtue, stupid!"
"His homosexual virtue then?"
"WE SUPPORT YOU, KISUKE!" Shunsui felt the need to declare.
"IN YOUR DEVIANT LIFESTYLE!" Isshin added.
"Although honestly I think that Yoruichi-sama is much hotter and more interesting than Sousuke," Shunsui informed him.
"I'll keep that in mind," Kisuke replied with a cheerful smile.
"And much more dangerous!" Isshin reminded him. "Aizen Sousuke's the type of guy who rescues kittens and gives them to homeless kids to make them smile."
"Yeah, seriously," Shunsui agreed.
Kisuke said nothing more.
-------------------------
In fifth division headquarters, Sousuke plucked the wings off of a fly and watched it twitch in pain, smiling the smile he reserved only for when he was alone.
THE END
* I think I should just mention I originally had the word "nakama" in place of comrade here, before I realised I'd actually be posting these fics. I removed it because I dislike having any Japanese other than honorifics in my fics, but since "nakama" and "comrade" have different meanings, I figured I'd make a footnote in case any Japanese speakers really care <3
Comments are appreciated! If you find any errors, please let me know <3
Instead I bring more Bleach crack! I've also been writing a lot of X-1999 fic fragments lately, so expect some SeishirouxSubaru in the near future XD;
Title: Moral Support
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: implied Urahara/Aizen, Kyouraku, Ukitake, Isshin
Word Count: 1,971
Warnings: SPOILERS PAST CHAPTER 186 OF MANGA/EPISODE 111 OF ANIME. drinking, implied m/m. THE CRACKIEST CRACK THAT EVER CRACKED.
Summary: It is the duty of friends to be as nosy and embarrassing as humanly possible. Set a few months after Peer Pressure.
All fics in this continuity can be found here.
Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite and no copyright infringement was intended by this work of fiction. Thanks.
Moral Support
"Kisuke's got a new lover!" Kurosaki Isshin yelled, plowing haphazardly into eighth division headquarters and landing in front of Kyouraku Shunsui's desk. It happened to be Shunsui's nap hour, but that had never stopped Isshin before. "OI! Wake up! KISUKE'S HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE."
Shunsui woke up and stared at him. "What?"
"Kisuke's having sex with someone!"
"Kisuke's always having sex with someone. Kisuke gets to have sex with Shihouin Yoruichi. I have no pity for the man." Shunsui frowned dramatically. "Yoruichi-sama is such a beautiful flower. I would gladly pluck the petals-"
"ANYWAY," Isshin contined, ignoring him. "This is different! This time, it's a man!"
Shunsui stared at him. "Seriously?"
"Of course! I would never lie about something so important! We must figure out who it is!"
"You mean you don't know?" Shunsui asked, blinking drowsily. "It's our job to know these things."
"EXACTLY!" Isshin roared. "As his closest and dearest friends, it is our duty to be as nosy as humanly possible and embarrass him about his love life!"
"To friendship!" Shunsui said, pulling the full sake dish off of his desk with a flourish and drinking from it. He refilled it and offered it to Isshin, who accepted gladly.
"To friendship!" he declared, and drank.
Somewhere in twelfth division headquarters, Urahara Kisuke shivered.
-------------------------
Long before he ever met the human woman Masaki, Kurosaki Isshin had perfected the art of stalking, mostly to spy on his best friends and catch them in embarrassing moments. Unfortunately for him, no one was sneakier than Urahara Kisuke, and not five minutes after he'd oh-so-carefully hidden himself in the shrubbery outside his window, Kisuke poked his head out.
"Do you want some tea while you're out there, Isshin-kun?"
"WHAT?" Isshin thundered. "WHY WOULD YOU THINK I'M OUT HERE?"
"I also have some dumplings cooking," Kisuke added with a smile.
"I'll be right there," Isshin replied, and brushed the dirt off of his hakama.
-------------------------
"HE IS FAR TOO SNEAKY FOR ME!" Isshin declared to Shunsui and Jyuushirou, who had somehow been talked into tagging along. The sake was, of course, already flowing by the time he'd arrived, and Shunsui was looking a bit flushed. "He asked me in for TEA."
"TEA!" Shunsui yelled, as if tea were an insult to all stalker-kind.
"And DUMPLINGS."
"UNFORGIVEABLE."
Jyuushirou massaged his temples as if he had a headache. "Kurosaki-taichou, what makes you think that Urahara-taichou is…seeing someone?" he asked patiently.
"Kisuke is always seeing someone," Shunsui explained. "But this time, Isshin thinks it's a MAN."
"A man?" Jyuushirou raised an eyebrow.
"A MAN!" Isshin yelled with enthusiasm. "Kisuke has kept his secret passion for his brethren a secret for too long! It's time we rose up and yelled to him, WE ACCEPT YOU!"
"WE ACCEPT YOU!" Shunsui yelled after him, swaying slightly.
"Ah. Sorry I asked," Jyuushirou said, wondering how Isshin knew Kisuke was seeing a man but not really wanting to know the answer.
"So spying outside his bedroom window didn't work," Shunsui mused, suddenly serious. "It might be time to bring in the professionals."
"You could always ask Shihouin-san," Jyuushirou suggested reasonably. "There's no danger to life or limb, and it probably won't cause property damage."
"WE CAN'T ASK YORUICHI-SAMA!" Shunsui was affronted. "What if she's in love with him?! What if we break her beautiful heart? I would never forgive myself! I would offer her my shoulder to cry on, but to her I would forever be the bearer of bad news!"
Jyuushirou figured now wasn't the time to mention Shihouin Yoruichi's well-known dalliances with Shiba Kuukaku, as well as with her bodyguard Soi Fon, and wisely kept his mouth shut lest he cause Shunsui to have a heart attack.
"How else can we discover the identity of Kisuke's mysterious lover?" Isshin mused. "It has to be sneaky, subtle, and completely undetectable."
"I know!" Shunsui perked up. "Let's throw a party!"
"A PARTY!" Isshin roared. "THAT IS A GRAND IDEA!"
"And we'll see who Kisuke flirts with!"
"We'll watch who Kisuke goes HOME with!"
"WE ACCEPT YOU!" Shunsui yelled.
"WE ACCEPT YOU!" Isshin repeated.
Jyuushirou wanted to remind them that the two of them would probably pass out before Kisuke even started flirting, but once again, wisely kept his mouth shut.
-------------------------
The party was a smashing success, as all parties thrown by Isshin, Shunsui, and Kisuke normally were. Eleventh division showed up and quickly out-drank everyone else, and they even had the rare occurrence of Yamamoto showing up in his pajamas to yell at them to be quiet. Yoruichi held court in the corner of eighth division headquarters, several beautiful women surrounding her, and Kisuke prowled the room all night like a tiger on the hunt.
"HE IS SO INTO SOMEONE," Isshin yelled at Shunsui drunkenly.
"I KNOW," Shunsui yelled back.
"Hey it's our number five!" Isshin suddenly changed the subject, stumbling over to the door. "Sousuke! You normally avoid these parties!"
"SOUSUKE!" Shunsui yelled, nearly plowing them over.
"Aizen-taichou," Jyuushirou nodded politely, not drunk in the slightest.
"I was bored, and I could hear you from fifth division," Sousuke smiled at them broadly. "I see you are the same as always, Kurosaki-taichou, Kyouraku-taichou."
"These are the good years!" Isshin told him. "If you can't enjoy life now, when can you enjoy it at all?"
"You know, you can't say that," Shunsui said thoughtfully. "We're dead."
"Fine!" Isshin hiccupped. "If you can't enjoy death now, when can you enjoy it at all? Sousuke! Have a drink!"
"Thank you, but I'd really rather-"
"NO I INSIST."
"HE INSISTS," Shunsui chimed in, producing a sake dish from nowhere and shoving it in Sousuke's face. "You're only young once! Drink up!"
"We'll fill you in on our mission!" Isshin told him excitedly. "We're going to support Kisuke's new lifestyle!"
"WE ACCEPT HIM!" Shunsui yelled.
"Shh! You're not supposed to say that yet," Isshin hissed. "That's for AFTER we find the identity of his MALE LOVER!"
"Why are you yelling this all out loud?" Jyuushirou pointed out calmly. "I'm surprised he hasn't figured you two out yet."
"He hasn't figured us out because we're masters of subtlety," Shunsui told him. "Obviously."
"Oh, obviously."
Sousuke shifted uncomfortably, watching them with thinly-veiled amusement. "What does this have to do with me?"
"You're our friend!"
"Our comrade!"*
"And it is our sworn duty as friends to embarrass each other as much as possible!"
Sousuke smiled at them both and calmly accepted the sake dish. "It's nice to see such dedicated friendships. I'm going to go see who else is here, if you don't mind. Nice seeing you, Ukitake-taichou."
"Don't worry about them, Aizen-taichou," Jyuushirou told him as he walked by. "They're drunk and easily excitable."
"I've noticed," Sousuke said dryly before disappearing off into the crowd.
"WHERE'S KISUKE? DID WE LOSE HIM?" Isshin yelled, and Jyuushirou shook his head and wandered off to have another drink.
-------------------------
Two hours later, eighth division headquarters had mostly cleared out and Isshin and Shunsui were drunker than skunks, lying on the floor staring at the ceiling and laughing like lunatics.
"I think it failed!" Isshin crowed with laughter. "Kisuke didn't flirt with anybody!"
"That's not true!" Shunsui said, cracking up. "He was making eyes at the seventh division captain all night, but she's a woman! POOR YORUICHI-SAMA!"
Suddenly, they were interrupted by a cleared throat. They both craned their necks and looked up to see a very-drunk Kisuke being supported by Sousuke.
"I'm taking Urahara-taichou home," Sousuke told them, hefting Kisuke's weight and grimacing slightly, almost theatrically. "He doesn't look well and someone has to make sure he doesn't break his neck on his way back to twelfth division."
"You should come out drinking with us more often!" Isshin said with enthusiasm. "I'm sure Jyuushirou would appreciate having another helper!"
"Jyuu-chan likes helping us walk back safely," Shunsui snorted. "It makes him feel all responsible."
"Good night, Sousuke!"
"Good night, Kurosaki-taichou, Kyouraku-taichou," Sousuke said, bowing, and helped Kisuke out the door.
The two of them started laughing again.
Then suddenly, Isshin stopped, sat up, and looked at Shunsui wildly. "Did he just…"
Shunsui sat up too. "Did we just…" They stared at each other, then stared at the door.
"OH MY GOD, HE'S SLEEPING WITH AIZEN SOUSUKE!" Isshin yelled, so loudly that all of eighth division headquarters shook.
A little ways away, Urahara Kisuke heard the shout and smirked brilliantly.
-------------------------
"So we've thought it over," Isshin said with a mouthful of dumplings, pointing somewhat rudely with his chopsticks at Kisuke.
"Oh really?" Kisuke asked smoothly with a smile, calmly refilling his soup bowl.
"And we've decided that Sousuke's decently attractive and wouldn't hurt a fly," Isshin continued. Kisuke raised an eyebrow.
"THUS WE APPROVE OF YOUR CLANDESTINE AFFAIR WITH HIM!" Shunsui yelled from outside the window.
"THAT WAS MY LINE, AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" Isshin yelled back at him.
Kisuke smirked. "My, my. You two are quite the detectives."
"You could at least look embarrassed. You're having sex with a man!" Isshin pointed out, poking the table with a chopstick. "You can't just smile mysteriously like you always do!"
"BISEXUALITY IS A GIFT, NOT A CURSE!" Shunsui yelled again.
"IF YOU'RE GOING TO COMMENT, COME INSIDE!" Isshin yelled back.
"You have several good points," Kisuke said, sitting back down and smiling at Isshin. "Aizen Sousuke is decently attractive. But you're wrong, you know."
"You're not having sex with him?" Isshin asked.
"NO WAY! We can't be wrong!" Shunsui was halfway through the window at this point, lugging a jug of something alcoholic.
"Are you two drunk already?" Kisuke asked. "Why didn't you ask me to join you?"
"We're not drunk, we're being supportive!" Shunsui declared, though it was obvious he was lying when he finally made it in the rest of the way and sprawled out on the floor mat.
"Sousuke's not harmless," Kisuke said seriously.
"WHAT?"
"Kisuke, the man refuses to kill spiders! He used a sake dish to take one outside a few days ago!"
"Have you seen him feed the children down in Rukongai? He goes down there with odango and treats the few he can sense with spirit energy!" Shunsui told him.
"He's so nice it makes me want to slap him!"
Kisuke rolled his eyes. "Do you want to know why I've been sleeping with Aizen Sousuke?" he asked.
"SO YOU ARE HAVING SEX!" Isshin yelled.
"Why?" Shunsui asked curiously. "He's a nice guy and all, but honestly, Kisuke, he's so boring."
"Have you seen him sit in the library for hours and read the same book?" Isshin asked in a hushed whisper. For someone with the attention span of a grape, it certainly seemed like an impressive feat.
"It takes so much harassment to just make him have one drink, Kisuke!" Shunsui added. "It would never work. You can't be with a man who won't drink and reads books."
"Kisuke reads books too," Isshin said earnestly. "Do you guys…read together?!"
"NO!" Kisuke told them. "That's not it. Listen to me. Aizen Sousuke is dangerous."
"DANGEROUS TO YOUR VIRTUE, APPARENTLY!"
Shunsui smacked Isshin over the head. "Kisuke was born without his virtue, stupid!"
"His homosexual virtue then?"
"WE SUPPORT YOU, KISUKE!" Shunsui felt the need to declare.
"IN YOUR DEVIANT LIFESTYLE!" Isshin added.
"Although honestly I think that Yoruichi-sama is much hotter and more interesting than Sousuke," Shunsui informed him.
"I'll keep that in mind," Kisuke replied with a cheerful smile.
"And much more dangerous!" Isshin reminded him. "Aizen Sousuke's the type of guy who rescues kittens and gives them to homeless kids to make them smile."
"Yeah, seriously," Shunsui agreed.
Kisuke said nothing more.
-------------------------
In fifth division headquarters, Sousuke plucked the wings off of a fly and watched it twitch in pain, smiling the smile he reserved only for when he was alone.
THE END
* I think I should just mention I originally had the word "nakama" in place of comrade here, before I realised I'd actually be posting these fics. I removed it because I dislike having any Japanese other than honorifics in my fics, but since "nakama" and "comrade" have different meanings, I figured I'd make a footnote in case any Japanese speakers really care <3
Comments are appreciated! If you find any errors, please let me know <3