a non existing existence
I don't feel like I'm here anymore. I'm not attatched to this world really. Things don't impress me. I feel DEpressed more than anything. Nothing anymore is "cool" to me, nothing at all amazes me. I realized this when the Biltmore house seemed minute and trivial. All the carvings that took years, all the smoothed marble and stained glass left no impression on me. Perhaps because I'm more of a romantic and like the natural world, or maybe I'm the strange and insignificant one in the grand scheme of things. God begs to differ, but lately I've been finding it increasingly hard to believe Him. Which is stupid. I've also found it increasingly harder to hear His voice. I think that's why I've been this way, and I also think it's the very reason why He's pushed me into so many horrible relationships with the male species. NOTE THE SARCASM. I think things with Jacob, the 'yo-yo' trick he's pulling with me (though not intentional, Jacob is definately NOT the JERK type of guy I tend to date). I'm not sure what God has in plans for me, but I know it's something good and better than anything I could think up for me. Cause if I had my way a while back, I'd probably still be with TJ and I wouldn't have "learned as much" as I know now. Though, knowing all this pushes me away from guys altogether just about. I just don't want to ask Him for anything much anymore. I'm kind of afraid I'll get it. I think He does it on purpose. So now I'm just asking Him to do what He does best, and that's to guide my life without my own interference, or as little as possible.
Like the one thing I wanted. I wanted to go on my cruise, and go to NY to stay with my family all summer (which is something I wanted last summer, to go and stay in NY a while and actually get to know my family), but I still wanted to go to Governor's School for English. WELL! Becuase I was a first runner up for Gov. School, they didn't call me till too late. I've already made a comittment to my family, and if I went to Gov. school I wouldn't be going to Mexico. SO! Now I have the satisfaction of being accepted and I can put it on my application that I WAS accepted, and i can also go to NY and get to know my family and I can STILL go to Mexico! that's so awesome. no, God's so awesome. to let me have that stupid little thing i wanted for my own little pride and glory.
So, now I'm not asking for a relationship with Jacob, or better relationships with other friends. I just want a better relationship with God now. He's the only One Who has EVER always been here for me, constantly, and constantly speaking to my heart...even if I'm not always listening. I don't want all that stuff. I hate all that stuff. I hate being hurt, I hate being used and stepped on all the time just because I'm nice and I forgive people easily and i give out multiple chances. For now, I think I'll be a recluse with God.
Like the one thing I wanted. I wanted to go on my cruise, and go to NY to stay with my family all summer (which is something I wanted last summer, to go and stay in NY a while and actually get to know my family), but I still wanted to go to Governor's School for English. WELL! Becuase I was a first runner up for Gov. School, they didn't call me till too late. I've already made a comittment to my family, and if I went to Gov. school I wouldn't be going to Mexico. SO! Now I have the satisfaction of being accepted and I can put it on my application that I WAS accepted, and i can also go to NY and get to know my family and I can STILL go to Mexico! that's so awesome. no, God's so awesome. to let me have that stupid little thing i wanted for my own little pride and glory.
So, now I'm not asking for a relationship with Jacob, or better relationships with other friends. I just want a better relationship with God now. He's the only One Who has EVER always been here for me, constantly, and constantly speaking to my heart...even if I'm not always listening. I don't want all that stuff. I hate all that stuff. I hate being hurt, I hate being used and stepped on all the time just because I'm nice and I forgive people easily and i give out multiple chances. For now, I think I'll be a recluse with God.