How I Failed to Get on the Internet Without Really Trying
David Thorpe from Something Awful recently asked readers to submit their vitriol towards the music industry. I submitted this. It didn't make it into his article, which was rather disappointing, but I feel it really should have, especially after reading the ones that did. Here it is, for your pleasure.
Worst Whiney Wack-job: Matthew Bellamy of Muse
The first time I heard Muse, I thought Radiohead had released a new album in which they decided to become semi-coherent again, as opposed to Thom Yorke wailing like Chewbacca on helium while the rest of the band throws Casio keyboards down several flights of stairs. I later discovered that it was an entirely different pseudo-progressive electronica-rock band, fronted by an entirely different falsetto-voiced fop whining incoherently into the microphone.
Forging a career out of making unconvincing ghost noises isn't Bellamy's only interest, however. He's also a crackpot conspiracy theorist. In addition to his blasé ideas about 9/11 being orchestrated by the U.S. government, he has some more colorful beliefs that alien lizard people have invaded our planet and walk among us. In an interview with NME magazine in November 2006, Bellamy said of these lizard people, "There’s a rumour that there’s a certain bloodline that is susceptible to possession from this other entity which lives outside our realm of understanding of the three dimensions. It’s the royal bloodline obviously, which goes back a long, long way."
Oh, Mr. Bellamy, if your songs weren't so philisophical, I just couldn't take you seriously! Oh, no, wait, your lyrics read like a six-year-old playing with a Magnetic Poetry set, except half the words have long been lost under the fridge. Take, for instance, Muse's inescapable single, "Knights of Cydonia". Supposedly it's about a region on Mars that Bellamy believes holds the secrets to the evolution of humans and aliens, most likely linked with some of his theories on star charts and pyramids and Washington D.C. What? Instead of revealing the secrets of the universe, however, "Knights of Cydonia" sounds like a poem idly scribbled down during sixth period algebra by a guy wearing a festive dragon shirt.
Matthew Bellamy's feverish rantings wouldn't be so bad if he kept them confined to a poorly-designed page on the Internet like the rest of the self-respecting lunatics out there. However, the fact that he forces them upon my discriminating ears every time I turn on the radio makes me howl with rage and beat my fists impotently against the complete bibliography of David Icke.
Worst Whiney Wack-job: Matthew Bellamy of Muse
The first time I heard Muse, I thought Radiohead had released a new album in which they decided to become semi-coherent again, as opposed to Thom Yorke wailing like Chewbacca on helium while the rest of the band throws Casio keyboards down several flights of stairs. I later discovered that it was an entirely different pseudo-progressive electronica-rock band, fronted by an entirely different falsetto-voiced fop whining incoherently into the microphone.
Forging a career out of making unconvincing ghost noises isn't Bellamy's only interest, however. He's also a crackpot conspiracy theorist. In addition to his blasé ideas about 9/11 being orchestrated by the U.S. government, he has some more colorful beliefs that alien lizard people have invaded our planet and walk among us. In an interview with NME magazine in November 2006, Bellamy said of these lizard people, "There’s a rumour that there’s a certain bloodline that is susceptible to possession from this other entity which lives outside our realm of understanding of the three dimensions. It’s the royal bloodline obviously, which goes back a long, long way."
Oh, Mr. Bellamy, if your songs weren't so philisophical, I just couldn't take you seriously! Oh, no, wait, your lyrics read like a six-year-old playing with a Magnetic Poetry set, except half the words have long been lost under the fridge. Take, for instance, Muse's inescapable single, "Knights of Cydonia". Supposedly it's about a region on Mars that Bellamy believes holds the secrets to the evolution of humans and aliens, most likely linked with some of his theories on star charts and pyramids and Washington D.C. What? Instead of revealing the secrets of the universe, however, "Knights of Cydonia" sounds like a poem idly scribbled down during sixth period algebra by a guy wearing a festive dragon shirt.
Matthew Bellamy's feverish rantings wouldn't be so bad if he kept them confined to a poorly-designed page on the Internet like the rest of the self-respecting lunatics out there. However, the fact that he forces them upon my discriminating ears every time I turn on the radio makes me howl with rage and beat my fists impotently against the complete bibliography of David Icke.