(no subject)
Lets call the past few days the time of awakening. I have come to realize thing that have long since been forgot. Life’s lessons that should have remained, yet instead faded at the 1st sign of temptation. I have come to realize that I have caused my own pain. Instead of realizing that it was my curiosity, as well as my scientific mind that originally drew me to Ashley. Then I found my self swept up in something that was not prepared to deal with. As I explained to Mel.
Imagine that you were floating alone in a black void, outside time and space. Now imagine that every time you try to pierce the vial into the present, or bring some part of reality into the void it is the same as putting your hand on a hot electric burner and then stabbing a knife through it. Every once in a while there a few people who for some reason pass through the vial, and by all signs will remain there with you. but then they hop back into the plain they know as reality, leaving you twice as alone as before, because where as you didn't know what you were missing, now you do. So in addition to the physical pain you feel now there is emotional.
.
Here is the kicker... lets say you found away to block that emotional pain, and along comes another drifter and they take away that protection that you found, they are the Brutus of this realm. (So close that you trust them with your life and that is exactly what the wind up taking, with a knife to the back) Once you get that add the addition that you can feel everyone in their realms pain as well as joy, there darkest fears, and greatest hopes, yet there is more hatred fear and pain then can ever over come the good. Thus why I am not so quick to feel like tuning the other cheek?
.
That’s the readers digest version. Some talk about me as if I thought I was a god... I look at myself as a monster and I have spent my life from 6 till now in this old seeing past presents and futures as if they were one.
Next I realized that I don’t really need a rock or someone to complete my life. The rock of course would be great, but that is where my spirituality helps. And as far as completing my life, that is where acting and dancing come in. I mean a relationship is suicide if I want to auditing in the spring, for the New Your City Ballet. Or the American Ballet Theater. Also it will be hard enough trying to deal with going into NY randomly for acting, without having to worry about making time. This does not infer that I don’t want to have a relationship, merely the one that I had been really trying to make into something, I realize is not what I wanted, but what everyone else saw. If that makes any sense… it was the outside that made me think that there was something wrong with the inside.
I also realized that things are going pretty well for me. Great job, this place is now turning out really nice, I am in good health, well except for the knees, but even they seem to be better. My mood swings are nearly gone. I am 21 free to do all my way. Yea my sex life is slow… but I know that will be changing soon. I go to the super market, and everyone knows me they know exactly how I pay and in the deli they know my orders how I like my sandwiches. The movie rental place Knows my taste in movies and the staff when I come in brighten up and we discuss movies for a good half an hour. They know how long I like to have the movies for. The Chinese restaurant knows exactly what I order and how I like it to go. The Drycleaners give me a discount because of where I work. I can walk to everything my banks, the super market, and work. And so I come to realize, if certain people wish to through away any type of civilized relationships. Why should I worry about it. I mean if it meant something then it meant something doesn’t mean for eternity it will have to be the same. Instead of trying to create more good times with someone that doesn’t want the same, why not take those time that were good and always keep them close. And why take what you have good in the present and try to force the future to be the present. Here it is the exact opposite why try and finish things b4 they have a chance to start?
There ate more things that have come into a new light, but people will get pissy if I elaborate here.
Imagine that you were floating alone in a black void, outside time and space. Now imagine that every time you try to pierce the vial into the present, or bring some part of reality into the void it is the same as putting your hand on a hot electric burner and then stabbing a knife through it. Every once in a while there a few people who for some reason pass through the vial, and by all signs will remain there with you. but then they hop back into the plain they know as reality, leaving you twice as alone as before, because where as you didn't know what you were missing, now you do. So in addition to the physical pain you feel now there is emotional.
.
Here is the kicker... lets say you found away to block that emotional pain, and along comes another drifter and they take away that protection that you found, they are the Brutus of this realm. (So close that you trust them with your life and that is exactly what the wind up taking, with a knife to the back) Once you get that add the addition that you can feel everyone in their realms pain as well as joy, there darkest fears, and greatest hopes, yet there is more hatred fear and pain then can ever over come the good. Thus why I am not so quick to feel like tuning the other cheek?
.
That’s the readers digest version. Some talk about me as if I thought I was a god... I look at myself as a monster and I have spent my life from 6 till now in this old seeing past presents and futures as if they were one.
Next I realized that I don’t really need a rock or someone to complete my life. The rock of course would be great, but that is where my spirituality helps. And as far as completing my life, that is where acting and dancing come in. I mean a relationship is suicide if I want to auditing in the spring, for the New Your City Ballet. Or the American Ballet Theater. Also it will be hard enough trying to deal with going into NY randomly for acting, without having to worry about making time. This does not infer that I don’t want to have a relationship, merely the one that I had been really trying to make into something, I realize is not what I wanted, but what everyone else saw. If that makes any sense… it was the outside that made me think that there was something wrong with the inside.
I also realized that things are going pretty well for me. Great job, this place is now turning out really nice, I am in good health, well except for the knees, but even they seem to be better. My mood swings are nearly gone. I am 21 free to do all my way. Yea my sex life is slow… but I know that will be changing soon. I go to the super market, and everyone knows me they know exactly how I pay and in the deli they know my orders how I like my sandwiches. The movie rental place Knows my taste in movies and the staff when I come in brighten up and we discuss movies for a good half an hour. They know how long I like to have the movies for. The Chinese restaurant knows exactly what I order and how I like it to go. The Drycleaners give me a discount because of where I work. I can walk to everything my banks, the super market, and work. And so I come to realize, if certain people wish to through away any type of civilized relationships. Why should I worry about it. I mean if it meant something then it meant something doesn’t mean for eternity it will have to be the same. Instead of trying to create more good times with someone that doesn’t want the same, why not take those time that were good and always keep them close. And why take what you have good in the present and try to force the future to be the present. Here it is the exact opposite why try and finish things b4 they have a chance to start?
There ate more things that have come into a new light, but people will get pissy if I elaborate here.