(no subject)
Ok, I am now just sitting here thinking what should I do? 5 days until I am 21 have but 2 wishes and I doubt either will come true at this point. The girl that I have been seeing loves me a lot, she risks everything that is important to her to be with me, but as Rachel once coined the phrase I feel like “Sloppy Seconds”. I am not sure what to do there, maybe end it or fight. I had to call Alison last night as well as Hanna and it was so weird hearing Rachel’s voice and asking for someone else. Even creeper was the way when Hanna said “She would definitely consider it” she sounded like Rachel. What was even weirder was that when I called Alison It sounded like Ashley picking up the phone, and yet I really said nothing to her. I have to find out what Rachel, Mel and Ashley are doing tomorrow, also Mercedes and Oriana. See if I can get some help painting and moving in.
My Agency said they finally got a hold of THJ so within the next week or so I really should go to meet with him and then decided on who I will be signing with. The nightmares are progressively getting worse. I have a nice brush burny type mark on my neck. So let me just illuminate you on the style of night mares I have been having.
It starts off with me living all alone being told that my visions are caused by a tumor. (Very phenomenon like I know) So, I am lying in a bed and I ask this girl to sleep with me, not in the sexual way, but just lie next to me, she does and she is facing away from me curled up next to my side. I close my eyes and she takes my hand and places it under her shirt on her stomach and says I like to feel your skin. At this I open my eyes suddenly to see it is Ashley. At which point the world comes ripping apart, like we are a photo and someone is ripping it to shreds.
I then fall and land about .5 miles from my home in PA. It is the Egnosic’s farm. And I crash in a thud. I pull my self off to find Lynn there, which would make sense seeing as she only, lives 4 houses down. She is planting some different poisonous plants, I offer to help. She kisses me and tells me about (well I can’t remember that any more) all of a sudden it starts to rain and there are these cinder block things. Within minutes the whole place is under water, and Lynn and I keep moving for higher ground. We have a little wink wink nod nod fun, before I know it this world is totally engulfed in water and she has drowned. The water recedes and only about 2 inches resides on the ground. (What makes this really scary is that Lynn and I were never friends never really talked to each other, she beat the crap out of me 1 or 2 times in elementary school, and I got her BF busted for shit I did in HS. I saw her maybe 15 times in 4 years of High School, so she of all people being in my dream is freaky)
Next we move on to me following the old buss rout except I make a turn towards Faiths house. (Faith was teen mom I fell for back in my junior year.) Well this time I saw her she had a baby same size and look of destiny, when we went out. I thought it was Destiny, but actually it was her second and destiny was four. Well one of the kids is sick so I rush them to the hospital, or so I try. Her ex is there and she shoots the car with a flare gun the car burst into flames and we drive over a bridge not yet finished; killing him, her, and the 2 children. As I let out my last breath trying to save Faith and the kids I am one again transported.
I guess at this point my tumor is really bad because my visions are affecting dream me. I am in the middle of an ice storm on Rt. 81 north bound about mid way, when I see a persons flashers so I stop and try to help it is Rachel Frozen to death, she sat in the car with the heat on, but the ice and snow had blocked the tail pipe and the care filled with carbon dioxide. She had a message carved into her stomach and her leg. A police officer, taps me on the shoulder and says I am under arrest for her murder, I push him away and say Philip (because this was the cop who lived next door to me in PA) I loved her, he turns his head in just enough time to see a tractor trailer hit its breaks and smash into him. I turn back and she is gone.
I turn back around towards the accident it’s gone. And I am surrounded by black. At which point all my fears take a physical shape. Everything forms my not being loved, to failure; my self crippled in a wheel chair, unable to dance or even walk, The 4 people who sexually abused me; My biological father telling me how he was so disappointed in me. My mother telling me how I screwed up her life. I can’t escape and I am taken to an inquisitionist tourtcher chamber. At this point I am broken and don’t wish to live. They put me into an iron maiden. As they close the door, the worst of possible fates happens. I feel the pain, but I am no longer there instead I am in a small grotto in like Greece.
Ashley is there and she is just beyond reach, yet I can see her thoughts and they are so painful. Like I killed her, but she still loved me, yet she couldn’t stand to look upon me. It was more horrible than anything I have ever experienced in real life or in a dream. Well almost. I am still with Ashley as the sky grows dark and a hurricane force wind begins. I turn into to this demon, with cosmic powers and I destroy everything on the planet, even Mary. At this point my powers leave me and I am standing over the dead Ashley, Rachel, Mary, and about 3 or 4 other people, some I didn’t know.
Then there is a tribunal floating just above me. Jessica all in white, Lisa in a crimson red, and In Black Sitting in the center was me. Fineries appeared behind me, as gods and goddesses from every myth ever rose up in a coliseum around me. I was to be judged. They made me relive my live over 2 times; All the bad some of the good but mostly the ugly. Lisa Condemned me, Jessica Forgave me, and well I punished me to reality without knowing my purpose, to feel all the pain I caused, and to have no real love in my life ever. At this point I put a rope around my neck and jumped.
I suddenly wake up and I have the brush burny thing on my neck.
My Agency said they finally got a hold of THJ so within the next week or so I really should go to meet with him and then decided on who I will be signing with. The nightmares are progressively getting worse. I have a nice brush burny type mark on my neck. So let me just illuminate you on the style of night mares I have been having.
It starts off with me living all alone being told that my visions are caused by a tumor. (Very phenomenon like I know) So, I am lying in a bed and I ask this girl to sleep with me, not in the sexual way, but just lie next to me, she does and she is facing away from me curled up next to my side. I close my eyes and she takes my hand and places it under her shirt on her stomach and says I like to feel your skin. At this I open my eyes suddenly to see it is Ashley. At which point the world comes ripping apart, like we are a photo and someone is ripping it to shreds.
I then fall and land about .5 miles from my home in PA. It is the Egnosic’s farm. And I crash in a thud. I pull my self off to find Lynn there, which would make sense seeing as she only, lives 4 houses down. She is planting some different poisonous plants, I offer to help. She kisses me and tells me about (well I can’t remember that any more) all of a sudden it starts to rain and there are these cinder block things. Within minutes the whole place is under water, and Lynn and I keep moving for higher ground. We have a little wink wink nod nod fun, before I know it this world is totally engulfed in water and she has drowned. The water recedes and only about 2 inches resides on the ground. (What makes this really scary is that Lynn and I were never friends never really talked to each other, she beat the crap out of me 1 or 2 times in elementary school, and I got her BF busted for shit I did in HS. I saw her maybe 15 times in 4 years of High School, so she of all people being in my dream is freaky)
Next we move on to me following the old buss rout except I make a turn towards Faiths house. (Faith was teen mom I fell for back in my junior year.) Well this time I saw her she had a baby same size and look of destiny, when we went out. I thought it was Destiny, but actually it was her second and destiny was four. Well one of the kids is sick so I rush them to the hospital, or so I try. Her ex is there and she shoots the car with a flare gun the car burst into flames and we drive over a bridge not yet finished; killing him, her, and the 2 children. As I let out my last breath trying to save Faith and the kids I am one again transported.
I guess at this point my tumor is really bad because my visions are affecting dream me. I am in the middle of an ice storm on Rt. 81 north bound about mid way, when I see a persons flashers so I stop and try to help it is Rachel Frozen to death, she sat in the car with the heat on, but the ice and snow had blocked the tail pipe and the care filled with carbon dioxide. She had a message carved into her stomach and her leg. A police officer, taps me on the shoulder and says I am under arrest for her murder, I push him away and say Philip (because this was the cop who lived next door to me in PA) I loved her, he turns his head in just enough time to see a tractor trailer hit its breaks and smash into him. I turn back and she is gone.
I turn back around towards the accident it’s gone. And I am surrounded by black. At which point all my fears take a physical shape. Everything forms my not being loved, to failure; my self crippled in a wheel chair, unable to dance or even walk, The 4 people who sexually abused me; My biological father telling me how he was so disappointed in me. My mother telling me how I screwed up her life. I can’t escape and I am taken to an inquisitionist tourtcher chamber. At this point I am broken and don’t wish to live. They put me into an iron maiden. As they close the door, the worst of possible fates happens. I feel the pain, but I am no longer there instead I am in a small grotto in like Greece.
Ashley is there and she is just beyond reach, yet I can see her thoughts and they are so painful. Like I killed her, but she still loved me, yet she couldn’t stand to look upon me. It was more horrible than anything I have ever experienced in real life or in a dream. Well almost. I am still with Ashley as the sky grows dark and a hurricane force wind begins. I turn into to this demon, with cosmic powers and I destroy everything on the planet, even Mary. At this point my powers leave me and I am standing over the dead Ashley, Rachel, Mary, and about 3 or 4 other people, some I didn’t know.
Then there is a tribunal floating just above me. Jessica all in white, Lisa in a crimson red, and In Black Sitting in the center was me. Fineries appeared behind me, as gods and goddesses from every myth ever rose up in a coliseum around me. I was to be judged. They made me relive my live over 2 times; All the bad some of the good but mostly the ugly. Lisa Condemned me, Jessica Forgave me, and well I punished me to reality without knowing my purpose, to feel all the pain I caused, and to have no real love in my life ever. At this point I put a rope around my neck and jumped.
I suddenly wake up and I have the brush burny thing on my neck.