(no subject)
I am a little disappointed in a society where a girl with big boobs can't hook a guy. I mean, what else am I good for if my chest isn't doing it? Although I am on the heavy side by Asian standards, I am pretty normal for white standards. Oh wait, I only like Asians. I guess I'm screwed, then, for now. haha.
Lately I've come to realize that I am not as good as I think I am. I throw myself headfirst into things and have trouble coming out or getting through, I can't control my emotions very well, I get upset, and I lash out at people. Luckily, I am able to contain myself enough so that instead of flipping over tables and kicking chairs in my classrooms, I limit myself to shredding pieces of scrap paper underneath my desk. I am a little psycho, but at least I'm not hurting anyone.
I bought a $70 jacket to help myself get over Rich, because as Anita put it, retail therapy is a lovely thing. But today, I wanted to be with him. I wanted nothing more than to hang out with him and spend time with him, and so I ditched the second half of Japanese and perhaps fatefully caught him as he got off work. He said that his ride usually comes early, but for my convenience, his aunt was late. Fate? Not really, because I sat with him and we made small talk (Small planes were flying overhead, and I said that I like planes. and then he said something about birds, and I said I'd like to be a bird. He said that was weird, but what! I thought that most people wanted to be birds too!) and eventually, I asked, "What are you doing tonight?"
"Nothing," he said. "I'm still kind of tired from last night." And then he asks me what I was doing. Nothing, of course, was the answer.
And then he left. Bye bye, Hanazawa Rui--
I don't even like him that much. I don't know why my heart felt constricted. But I think that I'm not good enough.
Except, I can do better! I don't even like Koki that much. Gosh. I'm going for a Jin lookalike next, shoot.
I'm slowly learning to channel my pain and frustration into exercise. That way, I expend that energy and work on my body! I want to be beautiful. (I just wish exercise could give me a cuter face.) But I really do want to be beautiful, on the inside and out. I want to be the best kind of person.
And maybe when I am more beautiful, I will date someone who loves me, and Rich will feel bad that he didn't call me back, or that he didn't treat me like a friend like he used to. Right now, I feel a bit cast-aside, a bit not good enough, but that's okay. I really don't think I'm good enough at the moment, and I don't blame him for not liking me as much as I like - liked? - him. It's not his fault, so I can't hold that against him. Some things just aren't meant to work out.
But one day, I will be good enough. I promise.
Lately I've come to realize that I am not as good as I think I am. I throw myself headfirst into things and have trouble coming out or getting through, I can't control my emotions very well, I get upset, and I lash out at people. Luckily, I am able to contain myself enough so that instead of flipping over tables and kicking chairs in my classrooms, I limit myself to shredding pieces of scrap paper underneath my desk. I am a little psycho, but at least I'm not hurting anyone.
I bought a $70 jacket to help myself get over Rich, because as Anita put it, retail therapy is a lovely thing. But today, I wanted to be with him. I wanted nothing more than to hang out with him and spend time with him, and so I ditched the second half of Japanese and perhaps fatefully caught him as he got off work. He said that his ride usually comes early, but for my convenience, his aunt was late. Fate? Not really, because I sat with him and we made small talk (Small planes were flying overhead, and I said that I like planes. and then he said something about birds, and I said I'd like to be a bird. He said that was weird, but what! I thought that most people wanted to be birds too!) and eventually, I asked, "What are you doing tonight?"
"Nothing," he said. "I'm still kind of tired from last night." And then he asks me what I was doing. Nothing, of course, was the answer.
And then he left. Bye bye, Hanazawa Rui--
I don't even like him that much. I don't know why my heart felt constricted. But I think that I'm not good enough.
Except, I can do better! I don't even like Koki that much. Gosh. I'm going for a Jin lookalike next, shoot.
I'm slowly learning to channel my pain and frustration into exercise. That way, I expend that energy and work on my body! I want to be beautiful. (I just wish exercise could give me a cuter face.) But I really do want to be beautiful, on the inside and out. I want to be the best kind of person.
And maybe when I am more beautiful, I will date someone who loves me, and Rich will feel bad that he didn't call me back, or that he didn't treat me like a friend like he used to. Right now, I feel a bit cast-aside, a bit not good enough, but that's okay. I really don't think I'm good enough at the moment, and I don't blame him for not liking me as much as I like - liked? - him. It's not his fault, so I can't hold that against him. Some things just aren't meant to work out.
But one day, I will be good enough. I promise.