The Mystery of Myself
"And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore..."
Dido, "Honestly OK"
Things I Know About Myself in no Particular Order:
1. Hanging around couples for too long (even if we're all friends hanging out casually) makes me uncomfortable. I'm happy for them, but I can't help but feel a twinge of bitter jealousy. Why? It's sounds stupid to say it aloud, but I've just never had someone give me that kind of attention. I've never had someone look at me with the kind of love in their eyes that I tend to see in the eyes of serious couples. Even if they've all turned out to be crushes, I've always been the one to kind of look at someone that way, and it's always (well, as far as current goes) gone wrong. (And while it's easy to say that Alan partially fucked me up, that's not it.) I don't mean this in a mean way to my friends who are in relationships--because, like I said, I'm happy for you--but V&J are the only ones I can be around and feel hope (that I might find something close to what they've got) rather than a bit of bitter jealousy or without feeling like I'm interrupting something after a long time.
2. I've become more paranoid than a girl my age should be about ending up alone for the rest of my life. Yes, I've said it a million tiems already, and I know it's stupid because a) I have the rest of my life ahead of me and b) not every person I fall for will reject me. But can you blame me, given my current record? And really, just in general...I guess it's an extension of maybe a deeper fear of abandonment? I dunno.
3. I'm pretty sure I don't believe in love at first sight as strongly as I used to. Which is scary, because a writer of fiction--by default--kind of has to (or a least fake like they do).
4. I have trouble looking someone in the eyes when I talk to them. It's even worse if the person I'm talking to captivates me. (Captivates might be a strong word, but...meh.)
5. I love My Chemical Romance for all the obvious reasons, and for reasons deeper than the obvious as well.
6. Gerard Way is my ideal man. Keyword being "ideal." The chances of him walking into my life are slim to none; the chances he'll walk into my life with a romantic future in sight are even slimmer, if not non-existant. But if he did you can bet I'd hand my heart over in a second. I'm sure I say that more times than anyone cares to hear, but it's not just cause he's damn sexy, okay? >.> Yes, aesthetically, he's gorgeous. But all the things he does artistically, the kind of person he seems to be (I say seems, because I obviously don't know him, know him.)... It just strikes a powerful chord within me, I guess. It reaches past a lot of my recent crappy feelings and keeps me from doing the destructive things I've sworn I would never do, because of how I've seen the way they affect others. If someone else could come into my life and strike that same chord in me... I could die soon after finding that and only regret that I didn't get more time to experience that feeling.
7. I know moping about all of this will get me nowhere closer to figuring it all out, but until I get a sense of direction, I'm not sure what else to do.
Met with the counselor again today, and she kept asking a lot of questions I didn't readily have an answer for. I told her that the stories I write are all quest stories of some kind. Each character is out to seek The Big Thing that will allow the rest of their lives to fall into place, and for once I actually kind of believe something I've said about my own writing. (Not that I don't say stuff about my writing that isn't true all the time, but lately I get the feeling that if someone asked me why I write, I'd only come up with bullshit for them.) And in a way, I added in my ramble to her (really, why she lets me ramble...), I said that my writing is not The Big Thing that I thought would make my life complete. Writing is only the Big Thing through which I'll find (or try to find) The Big Thing that will make my life complete. (If you don't get it, that's fine; even if it seems like she got it, I had trouble explaining it to her.) I figure, much in the same way my characters are facets of me, then maybe each of their quests is in some way reflective of the one I'm on or whatever. Which is strange, if you consider some of the stories I've written...
My counselor asked me, "If you knew what the Big Thing that you were looking for was, what would you be doing different in order to get it?"
I honestly didn't know what to say. Because I really don't know what That Big Thing is that I'm looking for. I'm sure it'll smack me in the face eventually, but for the moment I'm just as unsure about what it is I'm looking for as some of you.
::shrugs::
A girl I had the pleasure of meeting, after reading "Sunset," said she got the impression of loneliness from the story. It kind of surprised me a little, after hearing others get (and love) the obvious romantic-ness out of it, but maybe she's more perceptive than some of the others who have read it. I am, to a degree, lonely. Or rather, I just have a fear of ending up alone. Which, people have been sweet enough to point out, is probably a groundless fear because I have a lot that people look for in a person. (Don't bother with thinking that you were too self-absorbed to give me good advice. You were there to listen to me, and that's more than I could have asked for.) But still the feeling persists that maybe I've got something...not wrong with me. But that there's something I'm either doing or not doing that's keeping certain things I want to happen from happening to me.
::frowns::
Golly. Now I've gone and sounded all depressed and "emo." :P It's Friday, dammit. I should be happy. Cheery. "Off the cuff," as N is oh-so-sweet to observe. (You should observe, I use the "oh-so-sweet" sarcastically.)
N: You seem to have had a very pessimistic two weeks.
Me: What makes you say that?
N: Whenever I ask you a question you answer short or curt. You used to be cheery, off-the-cuff.
Me: *getting annoyed with this line of discussion* I'm still off-the-cuff.
A asked about what off-the-cuff meant. (It means someone who is sponatneous, upbeat...things like that.)
N: I miss the cheery, off-the-cuff Cristina.
Me: *mutters* I'm still off-the-cuff... It's just life, that's all.
I still don't know what to make of her. -_-" Some days she's okay. Others...I dunno. I'd rather not say. But...have I really changed that drastically? I mean I've noticed my own shift in emotional weather, but... You guys who know me...let me know. Tell me honestly. I trust you.
And yes, no matter how many times I hear it, I'm Not Okay is still a good song to reflect current feelings.
Dido, "Honestly OK"
Things I Know About Myself in no Particular Order:
1. Hanging around couples for too long (even if we're all friends hanging out casually) makes me uncomfortable. I'm happy for them, but I can't help but feel a twinge of bitter jealousy. Why? It's sounds stupid to say it aloud, but I've just never had someone give me that kind of attention. I've never had someone look at me with the kind of love in their eyes that I tend to see in the eyes of serious couples. Even if they've all turned out to be crushes, I've always been the one to kind of look at someone that way, and it's always (well, as far as current goes) gone wrong. (And while it's easy to say that Alan partially fucked me up, that's not it.) I don't mean this in a mean way to my friends who are in relationships--because, like I said, I'm happy for you--but V&J are the only ones I can be around and feel hope (that I might find something close to what they've got) rather than a bit of bitter jealousy or without feeling like I'm interrupting something after a long time.
2. I've become more paranoid than a girl my age should be about ending up alone for the rest of my life. Yes, I've said it a million tiems already, and I know it's stupid because a) I have the rest of my life ahead of me and b) not every person I fall for will reject me. But can you blame me, given my current record? And really, just in general...I guess it's an extension of maybe a deeper fear of abandonment? I dunno.
3. I'm pretty sure I don't believe in love at first sight as strongly as I used to. Which is scary, because a writer of fiction--by default--kind of has to (or a least fake like they do).
4. I have trouble looking someone in the eyes when I talk to them. It's even worse if the person I'm talking to captivates me. (Captivates might be a strong word, but...meh.)
5. I love My Chemical Romance for all the obvious reasons, and for reasons deeper than the obvious as well.
6. Gerard Way is my ideal man. Keyword being "ideal." The chances of him walking into my life are slim to none; the chances he'll walk into my life with a romantic future in sight are even slimmer, if not non-existant. But if he did you can bet I'd hand my heart over in a second. I'm sure I say that more times than anyone cares to hear, but it's not just cause he's damn sexy, okay? >.> Yes, aesthetically, he's gorgeous. But all the things he does artistically, the kind of person he seems to be (I say seems, because I obviously don't know him, know him.)... It just strikes a powerful chord within me, I guess. It reaches past a lot of my recent crappy feelings and keeps me from doing the destructive things I've sworn I would never do, because of how I've seen the way they affect others. If someone else could come into my life and strike that same chord in me... I could die soon after finding that and only regret that I didn't get more time to experience that feeling.
7. I know moping about all of this will get me nowhere closer to figuring it all out, but until I get a sense of direction, I'm not sure what else to do.
Met with the counselor again today, and she kept asking a lot of questions I didn't readily have an answer for. I told her that the stories I write are all quest stories of some kind. Each character is out to seek The Big Thing that will allow the rest of their lives to fall into place, and for once I actually kind of believe something I've said about my own writing. (Not that I don't say stuff about my writing that isn't true all the time, but lately I get the feeling that if someone asked me why I write, I'd only come up with bullshit for them.) And in a way, I added in my ramble to her (really, why she lets me ramble...), I said that my writing is not The Big Thing that I thought would make my life complete. Writing is only the Big Thing through which I'll find (or try to find) The Big Thing that will make my life complete. (If you don't get it, that's fine; even if it seems like she got it, I had trouble explaining it to her.) I figure, much in the same way my characters are facets of me, then maybe each of their quests is in some way reflective of the one I'm on or whatever. Which is strange, if you consider some of the stories I've written...
My counselor asked me, "If you knew what the Big Thing that you were looking for was, what would you be doing different in order to get it?"
I honestly didn't know what to say. Because I really don't know what That Big Thing is that I'm looking for. I'm sure it'll smack me in the face eventually, but for the moment I'm just as unsure about what it is I'm looking for as some of you.
::shrugs::
A girl I had the pleasure of meeting, after reading "Sunset," said she got the impression of loneliness from the story. It kind of surprised me a little, after hearing others get (and love) the obvious romantic-ness out of it, but maybe she's more perceptive than some of the others who have read it. I am, to a degree, lonely. Or rather, I just have a fear of ending up alone. Which, people have been sweet enough to point out, is probably a groundless fear because I have a lot that people look for in a person. (Don't bother with thinking that you were too self-absorbed to give me good advice. You were there to listen to me, and that's more than I could have asked for.) But still the feeling persists that maybe I've got something...not wrong with me. But that there's something I'm either doing or not doing that's keeping certain things I want to happen from happening to me.
::frowns::
Golly. Now I've gone and sounded all depressed and "emo." :P It's Friday, dammit. I should be happy. Cheery. "Off the cuff," as N is oh-so-sweet to observe. (You should observe, I use the "oh-so-sweet" sarcastically.)
N: You seem to have had a very pessimistic two weeks.
Me: What makes you say that?
N: Whenever I ask you a question you answer short or curt. You used to be cheery, off-the-cuff.
Me: *getting annoyed with this line of discussion* I'm still off-the-cuff.
A asked about what off-the-cuff meant. (It means someone who is sponatneous, upbeat...things like that.)
N: I miss the cheery, off-the-cuff Cristina.
Me: *mutters* I'm still off-the-cuff... It's just life, that's all.
I still don't know what to make of her. -_-" Some days she's okay. Others...I dunno. I'd rather not say. But...have I really changed that drastically? I mean I've noticed my own shift in emotional weather, but... You guys who know me...let me know. Tell me honestly. I trust you.
And yes, no matter how many times I hear it, I'm Not Okay is still a good song to reflect current feelings.